the bleach you cant handle [diagnosis::the two year fuck you]
-short overview-
i haven't used this site in a very long time...im not sure why..i just seemed to drift away from it for some reason. i dont know if its because i dont like alot being displayed or telling anyone but for a reason i feel like its not. i always seem to blog or use this journal account when something is depressing me or whatever other pathetic problem i seem to face, that is immature these days, lol. sometimes i get frustrated with myself...ok well i do oftenly. but anyways, it always seem to be a boy issue, because of me being so hopeless romantic.. but this time everything seems okay lol. really, i can say honestly that my life isnt awful, its kinda annoyingly stressful at times, but thats life.
what really bugs me though, is just past. obviously everyone is going to have things in the past they regret and keep others feel all of the past was appropriate. i feel this way, i guess. but there is not a moment i dont see and try to catch up on the past and still wonder what things would be like, either still using methamphetamine's to ex-boyfriends.
what really was fucken retarded this morning was just like triggering words i used in a sentence just talking about the weather. the mother fucking weather made me want to blog..lol like not SAD more like oh sunsets/gitsies = a clear memory.
going outside smoking a cigarette with Zachary West on Gitsie's front deck, against the night air that was being stabbed by the following daybreak, that bled oranges, pinks, and warm tones....while there was a warmth in me being with this kid. like i do feel like i really did like this kid a lot, and then to think that it was most likely him just playing me like the trailer trash that he made me be, was kind of a luck in itself? no. not at all. it just sucked. i know that it was one gay hapless romantic, and one hapless romantic confused soul. probably with the mindset subconscious of dating another male because of some form of attraction but that stemming of from his non-existant relationship with his drug fiend father.
which he was never very happy about whenever that was mentioned. ironic? maybe.
i do miss him a little, and i think i always will but he was not a good person, after my drug problem spiraled out of control. he really wasnt, there was distance and then dropped communication, and just his increased sex drive...terrific.
so two years of my heart that i really thought i gave all the devotion i could being beyond naive and a glass addict.
hey, what's not a boyfriend if they don't smoke crack with you?
[ yea slightly disfunctional ]
then that was the two year struggle between him and this other boy, Kevin Loiselle. A gay kid that was first encounter on shit-space. who i had dated, off and on the scenes with Zachary. Ugh, yea. so there was a kid that i was happy with and my friend was happy with his good friend, and it was all jolly in Etardd, NH. we all had great memories, high on ecstasy [egh lol night was messsed] or pot or just going out late to eat...being a little more than rebelous teens, just basically doing whatever trying to not be bored and stay happy. then alcohol got me twistd, not drunk just fucken retarded. one of many many reason i hate and refuse to consume any form of alcohol. until i was drinking when Zachary was in a Job Corps. place in VT, and i was with Kevin just hanging..buzzed not thinking that anything was going to happen,, then i started arguing with Zachary. And this was my first deception to him, i broke up with him over an email, and most likely cheated on him since he probably didnt get it until morning. so there, another deception in his life, just what he needed. yea it was stupid...but okay since the shit he played with me for a year and a half longer [bullet laced prada baggage]
so blah blah...it went on. i honestly dont recall the rest since the glass usage got worse, but if i was told about the story line i could tell you if it was or wasnt true to the best of my ability. all i know is that everyone seemed to jsut fuck me over in the end, which is okay...and im hoping there okay now. i know that one is okay. i recently connected to make an ammends since everytime i did i was being just a douchebag and scum. and this time its just plain honesty. with Zachary, it ended after harsh words were exchanged after i got out of rehab when he tried to sleep with me that weekend when i was going to and decided not to and then bitched him out after he stopped complete contact with me for like over two months then rage was just handed out in cute little party favors to eachother, pathetically just flaming eachothers fires to see how far we could puch the others limits and make them feel like more shit...and if i hadnt apologize for like the honeslty over dozen time, it would be the cahin over. it is my fault though, i do think that i was being fucken retarded and too pig headed to see and want to believe any of it.
as after that there was an adam, and that fell out for his benefit and reasoning.
now im with a boy that is a fucken great guy..fucken sweetest boy in the world. i think he is the fucken most adorable cutest fucken most amazing creature on this planet. gentle and passionate and so loyal.
i love my boyfriend, my everything. Shin.
i fucking love him...i don't need to
question it,
you can.
my parents are very happy with this boy...and love him to death and are very happy and are thinking the best. which is great. and i know that i have been through madd relationships...but that doesnt mean im a slut, well it does, it does lol. but its doesnt mean that i am not a person and that i cant have or try hard to be happy and functionally in a relationship. this boy is great...i wont fucken kill myself if anything ever happens but it would be the worst breakup so far. and i dont think that will happen, and im just actually kinda confident, i get iffy/...but who doesnt...he is my everything, and i live my life on a 24hr basis. if you woke up earlier than me today and have been sober all day, you have more sobriety than me. and if you woke up with hooker, youve had more sex than me. but at the start of your day, its all the same. the same sky, same breath, same passion, same corruption...
.....to understand everything is to forgive everything.
when you realize how perfect everything is you'll tilt your head at the sky and laugh......
peace.love.empathy.
i haven't used this site in a very long time...im not sure why..i just seemed to drift away from it for some reason. i dont know if its because i dont like alot being displayed or telling anyone but for a reason i feel like its not. i always seem to blog or use this journal account when something is depressing me or whatever other pathetic problem i seem to face, that is immature these days, lol. sometimes i get frustrated with myself...ok well i do oftenly. but anyways, it always seem to be a boy issue, because of me being so hopeless romantic.. but this time everything seems okay lol. really, i can say honestly that my life isnt awful, its kinda annoyingly stressful at times, but thats life.
what really bugs me though, is just past. obviously everyone is going to have things in the past they regret and keep others feel all of the past was appropriate. i feel this way, i guess. but there is not a moment i dont see and try to catch up on the past and still wonder what things would be like, either still using methamphetamine's to ex-boyfriends.
what really was fucken retarded this morning was just like triggering words i used in a sentence just talking about the weather. the mother fucking weather made me want to blog..lol like not SAD more like oh sunsets/gitsies = a clear memory.
going outside smoking a cigarette with Zachary West on Gitsie's front deck, against the night air that was being stabbed by the following daybreak, that bled oranges, pinks, and warm tones....while there was a warmth in me being with this kid. like i do feel like i really did like this kid a lot, and then to think that it was most likely him just playing me like the trailer trash that he made me be, was kind of a luck in itself? no. not at all. it just sucked. i know that it was one gay hapless romantic, and one hapless romantic confused soul. probably with the mindset subconscious of dating another male because of some form of attraction but that stemming of from his non-existant relationship with his drug fiend father.
which he was never very happy about whenever that was mentioned. ironic? maybe.
i do miss him a little, and i think i always will but he was not a good person, after my drug problem spiraled out of control. he really wasnt, there was distance and then dropped communication, and just his increased sex drive...terrific.
so two years of my heart that i really thought i gave all the devotion i could being beyond naive and a glass addict.
hey, what's not a boyfriend if they don't smoke crack with you?
[ yea slightly disfunctional ]
then that was the two year struggle between him and this other boy, Kevin Loiselle. A gay kid that was first encounter on shit-space. who i had dated, off and on the scenes with Zachary. Ugh, yea. so there was a kid that i was happy with and my friend was happy with his good friend, and it was all jolly in Etardd, NH. we all had great memories, high on ecstasy [egh lol night was messsed] or pot or just going out late to eat...being a little more than rebelous teens, just basically doing whatever trying to not be bored and stay happy. then alcohol got me twistd, not drunk just fucken retarded. one of many many reason i hate and refuse to consume any form of alcohol. until i was drinking when Zachary was in a Job Corps. place in VT, and i was with Kevin just hanging..buzzed not thinking that anything was going to happen,, then i started arguing with Zachary. And this was my first deception to him, i broke up with him over an email, and most likely cheated on him since he probably didnt get it until morning. so there, another deception in his life, just what he needed. yea it was stupid...but okay since the shit he played with me for a year and a half longer [bullet laced prada baggage]
so blah blah...it went on. i honestly dont recall the rest since the glass usage got worse, but if i was told about the story line i could tell you if it was or wasnt true to the best of my ability. all i know is that everyone seemed to jsut fuck me over in the end, which is okay...and im hoping there okay now. i know that one is okay. i recently connected to make an ammends since everytime i did i was being just a douchebag and scum. and this time its just plain honesty. with Zachary, it ended after harsh words were exchanged after i got out of rehab when he tried to sleep with me that weekend when i was going to and decided not to and then bitched him out after he stopped complete contact with me for like over two months then rage was just handed out in cute little party favors to eachother, pathetically just flaming eachothers fires to see how far we could puch the others limits and make them feel like more shit...and if i hadnt apologize for like the honeslty over dozen time, it would be the cahin over. it is my fault though, i do think that i was being fucken retarded and too pig headed to see and want to believe any of it.
as after that there was an adam, and that fell out for his benefit and reasoning.
now im with a boy that is a fucken great guy..fucken sweetest boy in the world. i think he is the fucken most adorable cutest fucken most amazing creature on this planet. gentle and passionate and so loyal.
i love my boyfriend, my everything. Shin.
i fucking love him...i don't need to
question it,
you can.
my parents are very happy with this boy...and love him to death and are very happy and are thinking the best. which is great. and i know that i have been through madd relationships...but that doesnt mean im a slut, well it does, it does lol. but its doesnt mean that i am not a person and that i cant have or try hard to be happy and functionally in a relationship. this boy is great...i wont fucken kill myself if anything ever happens but it would be the worst breakup so far. and i dont think that will happen, and im just actually kinda confident, i get iffy/...but who doesnt...he is my everything, and i live my life on a 24hr basis. if you woke up earlier than me today and have been sober all day, you have more sobriety than me. and if you woke up with hooker, youve had more sex than me. but at the start of your day, its all the same. the same sky, same breath, same passion, same corruption...
.....to understand everything is to forgive everything.
when you realize how perfect everything is you'll tilt your head at the sky and laugh......
peace.love.empathy.