Virginia, listen up: There is no Santa Claus
Photo: Huffington Post
Virginia, your little friends are right: There is no Santa Claus. Why someone who is 8 years old still believes in this claptrap is something you should take up with your pediatric psychiatrist. Maybe he needs to switch up your meds.
I’m pretty sure you wrote to me because you were hoping I’d say Santa exists, just like the editor of the New York Sun told you. Let’s get one thing straight: That guy’s a drunk and his paper’s a rag. We sell a hundred times as many papers in this town as he does.
He says, “Your friends have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.” What he calls skeptical I call realistic. “They do not believe except they see,” he said. What that means I have no idea. Let’s just put it this way, Virginia-don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. That includes fat guys with beards wearing red suits in December.
That clown across town says Santa Claus “exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist.” Virginia, look out the window: See that homeless guy lying up against the Dumpster? See that old woman crying because she doesn’t have enough money to buy medicine and food? Go talk to them about love and generosity. Yeah, Virginia-love and generosity and devotion exist, and so does the Easter bunny. Wait-you thought the Easter bunny was real? Sorry to burst your bubble, kid.
And spare me that idiot’s “Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus.” Listen up, Virginia, because your parents won’t tell you this: The world will grind you between its molars and spit you out like a watermelon seed unless you line up, shut your mouth and work for The Man your entire life. And even then there are no guarantees you won’t wind up like that bum by the Dumpster. Dreary? You ain’t seen nothin’.
That drunk at the Sun said, “Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign there is no Santa Claus.” Let’s take that logic and extend it: “Nobody sees earthworms the size of telephone poles, but that is no sign there are no earthworms the size of telephone poles.” Got it, kid? That guy has more hot air than a steam locomotive.
In fact, he probably had a head full of meth, judging by the way he was raving. I mean, listen to this crap: “There is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men who ever lived, could tear apart.” This guy has spent too much time under the black light listening to Pink Floyd.
So, one more time, Virginia: There is no Santa Claus. Now get outta here, kid. I’m meeting some friends at the bar.