Tim Rossovich is not tending bar
The label says I’m drinking “kiwi strawberry sparkling flavored beverage.” I actually feel like drinking Warren Zevon’s most famous cocktail, heartbreak motor oil and Bombay gin - and at this point I’d better Google the phrase “heartbreak motor oil” because I’d hate to misquote Zevon, and sure enough, that’s the wording, but then the question that begs to be answered is “just what the heck is heartbreak motor oil?” because Zevon can’t really have been singing about automotive lubricants (Tim Rossovich is the only person I can think of who is reputed to have drunk motor oil), so I Google onward, but I don’t feel like wading through all 308 hits on the exact phrase “heartbreak motor oil,” so I stop at the first plausible suggestion: that perhaps it’s a reference to Guinness Stout. Guinness Stout and Bombay gin. Yeah, I could go for a glass of each right about now. But instead I’m drinking this “kiwi strawberry sparkling flavored beverage,” and the list of ingredients says nothing about kiwis, nothing about strawberries, nothing about 10W-30 or Bombay Sapphire. This beverage does, however, contain “natural flavor,” which raises another question that begs to be answered: “Just what the heck is ‘natural flavor,’ anyway?” Maybe I’ll just go take a nap and ponder that one.