(no subject)
"i dont blame ben at all. but he doesnt want us 2 be us again. i feel the glue thats been holding my heart 2gether after tom start 2 brake away, i feel so alone,"
Isnt it a shame how we dont let go of some of the things in our past? How we hold onto sentimental bullshit to reassure ourselves that we arent actually bad people, but that someone actually gave a shit - I meant something to someone for a little while - ok so they got bored and fell out of love with me, but for a while, what I could give was enough. Thats why we hold on sometimes. Because without the sentiment that life leaves us we'd be empty, lacking compassion, feeling and sense of need. So even if now when I saw Jess I wouldnt say more than a sentence to her, for the moment of time it took her to write that, I meant something. I only hope I can do that to someone else and make it last a little longer before I decide that my life really is worthless and I make a decision I cant reverse. Fucking teenage angsty relationships that cling onto your heart like a torn plastic bag in a tree. Shredded and lifeless. Makes me sick to think of this, I should be happy - I deserve it, all I ever wanted to do was be the best I could be and share that with someone who could care for me as much as I could them. Now I know thats far too much to fucking ask. Might as well just fuck anything and everything that walks, take as many drugs as I can get my hands on and piss all my money away until I have nothing left. Maybe then someone will pick me up and give me the love I yearn. But then again maybe tomorrow I'll go to work and be ordered around all day and crack a few jokes and stare at myself in the mirror on my break, looking for something I can offer. Maybe I'll take an overdose. Maybe I'll burn my house down with me and all my fmaily inside.
Maybe no-one will ever read this.
Isnt it a shame how we dont let go of some of the things in our past? How we hold onto sentimental bullshit to reassure ourselves that we arent actually bad people, but that someone actually gave a shit - I meant something to someone for a little while - ok so they got bored and fell out of love with me, but for a while, what I could give was enough. Thats why we hold on sometimes. Because without the sentiment that life leaves us we'd be empty, lacking compassion, feeling and sense of need. So even if now when I saw Jess I wouldnt say more than a sentence to her, for the moment of time it took her to write that, I meant something. I only hope I can do that to someone else and make it last a little longer before I decide that my life really is worthless and I make a decision I cant reverse. Fucking teenage angsty relationships that cling onto your heart like a torn plastic bag in a tree. Shredded and lifeless. Makes me sick to think of this, I should be happy - I deserve it, all I ever wanted to do was be the best I could be and share that with someone who could care for me as much as I could them. Now I know thats far too much to fucking ask. Might as well just fuck anything and everything that walks, take as many drugs as I can get my hands on and piss all my money away until I have nothing left. Maybe then someone will pick me up and give me the love I yearn. But then again maybe tomorrow I'll go to work and be ordered around all day and crack a few jokes and stare at myself in the mirror on my break, looking for something I can offer. Maybe I'll take an overdose. Maybe I'll burn my house down with me and all my fmaily inside.
Maybe no-one will ever read this.