frustration
I have a male friend whom I've known for over a year now. I don't see him all that often, but I still consider him a good friend, and a very special person.
From the get-go of our friendship, people have been telling me that he "likes" me. When we were first friends, I was pursuing someone else, and didn't really see what everyone else saw, anyway. I was like "he's just friendly and flirty, he doesn't like me in particular." Well, along the way, I've come to believe it a little more. We even had kind of a date.
The thing is, though, he seems to be fighting it for some reason. He'll start to say something, then kind of stop himself. He's divorced (fairly recently), so maybe it's that he's afraid of getting hurt. He's older than I am (I'm not sure by how much, since he doesn't tell his age, but I think he's about 40)... so that may be bothering him, too.
The thing is... he wants to like, avoid giving me his phone number. He programmed mine into his cellphone the other day, and acted as if he'd call. Hopefully he will. I understand why he wouldn't give me his home number -- he lives with his mother, and her health isn't the best. Why not the cell, though? I haven't really out and out asked for his number, but I believe my mother did (she's friends with him, too), and he just kind of changed the subject.
Anyway, the point of all my babble is...
If he does have any feelings for me, I'd be more than happy to give him a chance. I don't think he realizes that, though. I'm pretty sure he thinks I think he's too old for me. I'm starting to develop feelings for him, so this is becoming complicated.
I'm wanting to find someone. I'm ready to be in a relationship again. If he has no interest, then I will look elsewhere; but the thing is, at this point, I don't want to end up with someone, only to find out I could've been with this friend.
I just don't know what to do. I'm tired of being alone because I'm hanging my hopes on maybes -- I've done that way too many times.
We had a (very) long hug goodbye last Saturday, and he kind of held my hand while we finished talking (as I was telling him to give me a call). We were looking directly into each other's eyes, and a connection is definitely there.
*sigh* This is so... confusing.
Hopefully, he will call. Hopefully we can get together for lunch or something. I'm trying so hard not to make the same mistakes I've made so many times before. I think we could be truly happy... if we'd both just let go and let it happen.
I'm not asking for advice, because there's nothing you can really tell me to do... seeing as the ball is in his court, and all. I'm just venting.