(no subject)
I haven't updated since March, but today's been hard & I felt the need. I'm moving out of the house I've lived in since I was born this week, it's been in my family since it was built 40 years ago. The thought of another family living here is craaaazy. I was looking at Katie's myspace and saw this pic of me, manda, chris & leah during the summer. we all loooked so happy. & now we have drifted so much. & it sucks. then i was packing up my room and looking at these things.. things that remind me of my mom and other subjects that bring up hard feelings. i've realized how much i've changed and grown up these past few years. i hate change, but right now its what i need. i found a pic of me and paula in hampton over the summer. i hate the fact that i don't see her everyday anymore.. i hardly ever see her now. me and her were so close and she knew me so well. i genuinely miss her. me and alli haven't hung out in soo long and it feels like we just arent the same anymore. & i cant for the life of me figure out why. its just not the same. nothing is. another thing i cant figure out for the life of me is why while all this changing is going on and people keep leaving and whatnot.. i'm happy. i cant say i've honesly been happy in a really long time. and a kid shouldn't have to say that. but its the sad truth. all morning i've been packing and i've been so upset because i think moving wasnt a bad thing. but now after i let this allout and i look around at all the boxes in my room, its the right thing. i havent talked to my mom in a month or so.. we're fighting and i'm being a real jerk. but i think its better this way for a bit. & i like not having all that distant parent drama in the back of my mind right now. i miss maggie so much. why is she going through this? what did she do wrong? she's the nicest girl i've ever met. for the life of me i cannot understand it whatsoever. my dads bringing me and alli to see her sometime sooon. "change, the only thing i hate more than you." that song by number one fan is deffinately been getting me through. i really really like the spill canvas a whole lot. school has been phanominal this year. i've been getting all A's with the exception of geometry.. i suck at that class so much. my dentist told me people who did good in algebra do horrible in geometry. & i was great in algebra.. so there ya go. i'm new medication & i have to keep a strict diet... yet another change. i got something new on my permenant record this year. i'm a witness to something.. blaaaaaaah. hangning out with lc & conti has been wonderful however. (: i took everything that wasnt mine or stuff i was holding onto becuase i couldnt let go & i gave it away. all anne-maries shit, things of my mom, and other things i had borrowed and never gave back.. actually seeing anne-marie everyday in school is fine with me.. she's not going away and i'm dealing with that. i've become comfortable with the fact that its life and i'm just gonna have to deal with it. hopefully i'll keep moving on & maybe even get over the whole situation. its a long shot but hey. i found all my incredibles stuff... hahahahahahaha i was sucha loser last year. at the beginning of the school year all i thought was "wow. we're sophomores already!" now all i think is "wow. we're only sophomores?!!" lifes passing by so quickly, although sometimes i feel stuck and like time is standing still. its like life is a blur. october has come & gone so fasst. its unbelievable. everyone should go out & buy crash. its amazing & i got alot from it. leah's bday is monday.. wahooo, happy birthday! (: i actually get to hang out with amanda and chris and katie! eeee. i miss them so much. i made a stupid mistake and i can't take it back and i'm paying for it. i should've been a better friend. in some ways i think this is a good thing. its been teaching me you cant take back what you do, you need to think about things before you make decisions. "who are you going to hurt?" "who are you going to help?" "how will this effect you?". 2005 has been full of extremely segnificant changes, and i'm sure 2006, 2007, 2008, ect... holds a few, too.