The Soundbooth Chronicles Part III: Always and Forever
Dark clouds are forming on the horizon. A common theme in my dreams.
Christmas. On my way to see my family for Christmas.
July. July 14th, in the morning. EARLY in the morning. What the hell is wrong with you Pat?
Christmas none the less, and I am driving my beat up Jeep Cherokee to either Sedalia or my parents house i'm not entirely sure but I know it is monday and i know something is not right
A whiskey cold empty triumphant Labor day weekend years ago. I died, yet was forever cursed to continue living. Waking up with only one desperate thought: well you got what you wished for, is that what you really want?
it is too warm, and those clouds look too much like rain and thunder as opposed to snow and cheer and i arrive and all is good because i remember completely fucking up the last one and i heard about my grandma fucking up the last holiday which was my cousin's son's birthday last week
Apparently there was a part of me that did. More than ever, I might add. And black was after that. Black, always looming on the edge of my vision. A self inflicted wound of the soul (always the most difficult to see) which still bleeds hurt, betrayal, and confusion into my periphery, just out of sight and secret to only me. Something that will follow me to the grave and haunt me always and forever.
July 13th, The day before, Pat. What world are you in?
and i put two and two together that things are just not right here that something is not jiving with common reality yet i press on and on deeper into the house that i grew up in
It just seems so different these days, as if I never lived there, and I think that is part of growing up and moving away, when you come back to the house where you spent your childhood, it just seems different. Add to that the miles you've traveled, both physically and most of all emotionally, and you are a stranger in a strange land. There comes a time in everybody's life that they can never be the same bright eyed child that grew up in those walls. The unscarred youth eagerly running down the steps on Christmas morning, or counting the days to (inevitably) one less summer vacation all the while seeing an infinity of lazy summer days through a child's innocent eye.
my brother is there and his friend is too and my dad asks if i want anything to drink and i tell him a beer would be nice and i feel fine for once around my parents i feel relaxed and i don't know what is coming over me because i never feel relaxed around my family but for once i do
still though something feels off
Departing into a new world, I turned a page in what has been almost two years of ecstasy and misery. I turned that page with my compadres; Goob, Eddie Monster, and Chris, the three of us drinking stolen wine in 7B. I will never forget those Adam's Mark days, I will always treasure my late night hours prowling the air shafts and forgotten hallways. I will always remember the friends I made there (Brian B-Gottie, Eric, Brian S, The Haasch, The General King KT, Goob, The Puppy, Eddie Monster, Tom Foolery, Closet Cruz, Last Minute Lopez, Karen, Damnit Janet, Alex of the Power, The Mo-Dil Show, The infamous Jim and Joe Show!!!, Bus, Kurt the Flirt, Timmy!!!, Poison Girl, Scotty Doesn't Know, Pinky and the Brain, The One Upper, Darth Dottie, RAAAMMMZZZYYYY!!!!!, Tron Squirrelly, Green Dick, Laura G, Ankika Baby, Michael A, Souli B, Margeret C, Erik D, Bianca, Parker, Princess Fiona, Randy Walnuts, Fana, Larry R, Major and the entire engineering gang, and most of all Corey, my predecessor to the legend of AV10, thanks for getting it all started. Even though we never worked together, I hope I maintained an acceptable monthly quota of mayhem. I will make sure that legacy is passed down to whoever gets those keys. With Swank coming in, that might not happen, so I guess it was a good run.
and then i wake up and realize i nodded off at my parents house on one of the overstuffed leather sofas and i curse myself because once again i checked out at christmas even though i swore i would never do it again so i get up and try to maintain an image of composure even though i am now in enemy territory and am not sure when i can expect to be under fire
I remember the groups I hosted in my dungeon during my sentence. My favorites include CanVention, NAGVA, PHMA, FurCon, UAC (The Globos, E. And the Trussell, don't forget the Trussell and Globo!!!), HRC (obviously), Colorado Gold Rush, Constellation Brands, Motorola (bitch of a set, but got to learn the Hog 2), 2008 Libertarian Party Convention (!!!), Sun Microsystems,
dinner is over and we are on to a dessert of holiday sugar cookies on santa claus themed dishes along with gooey over filled pastries and my mom won't even look at me with anything but an eye of disapproval
I could have done without MENSA, SPS, Barbershop, Smart Marriages, Adventures in Advertising, Microsoft, Focus on the Family, US Economic Commission, Most government groups, Kleinfelder, Jack off (and) Jill, All Debutante Galas,
Which you are used to these days, right Pat?
so i keep on going trying to help and outside i realize with a start that it is raining and i wonder how long i was out after doing the math i figure an hour maybe because the sun is just going down but wait is this july or is this december? i cannot tell for during the last days time has a way of distorting itself and much like in the dark tower series which i am reading my world has moved on and time and everything else is not like it used to be
I am not proud of the fact that I had to leave for health reasons. My position at the Adam's Mark was causing stress that I could only manage by drinking excessively and on extreme occasions I began cutting myself again. My scarlet trails run down my right leg and lead you right to the old Adam's Mark. I never thought it would turn out that way, it was supposed to be an hourly job that paid my way through grad school. Somewhere I lost my way.
but that is how it was always supposed to be and even though i always denied the truth it was always meant to be regardless of what class i took or career path i went down my internal dissolution was always in the cards lurking just around the corner like the cheerful santa claus face of my youth falling away from my trembling fingers and shattering along the edges of his jovial face as the ceramic behind him broke apart
I became caught up in the urban warfare that was life at the A-Mark. I thrived on it. I was a pirate and a gangster. I loved every minute when it was clan warfare and we were up to something to fuck with another department (preferably banquets, they were the sitting ducks in our sights). Security was a close second. We ruled that hotel, and I will never forget my pride in my crew during the last days. It was hard to leave, it really was. Half of my friends down there did not even know I was leaving. Just like always, I pretended that I was born there, and I always lived there. I never alluded to an outside life, and I didn't start than. I figured that I came in unknown, and I would leave the same way I have always left: silently.
my zune was next and stunned i was unable to worry about the small electronic device laying in two pieces on the hardwood for i was worried about what i might drop next and all the while i was telling myself to keep it together for just ten minutes.
One of the first jobs I left with very little notice was Cbeyond. I resigned quietly, I shook hands with my boss quietly, and we parted ways amiably. Leaving the A-Mark was even more subtle. For some stupid reason I didn't want everyone to know I was leaving, yet I have been trying to get out for a year. Unlike the bullshit I have done in the past, I am missing the old school. I am a fish used to a big tank yet placed in a small one. I still have a roughneck, cut-throat, clandestine attitude that I perfected at the Adam's Mark.
the guests have left and for some reason its just me and my mom in the kitchen but she appears to have retreated to the sitting area which is sunken from the kitchen and everything is wrong because the sitting area sits to the west but now it is to the south and i pick up the shattered remains of the saint of the yule and realize he is still mainly intact and identifiable
And I'm scared because I need to be a bit more responsible, more professional, more down to earth than I was at the A mark. Bad habits set in, though, and they don't go away. If there is one thing that I took away from the Adam's Mark, it is bad habits. I think that is part of the reason that a few of the senior people refuse to abandon the sinking ship, bad habits are tolerated.
but he is broken at the same time and i can't help but comment on the irony of the situation which oddly enough earns me a laugh from my mom
Breaking comfortable bad habits is a challenge for me. It always has been, because I always need a crutch when times are hard. But right now, times are certainly not hard, but old habits die hard. Always and forever.
I walk down to the sunken living room and suddenly find myself in a winter street with snow blowing around me and I approach my car with my mom sitting inside it and suddenly a bear begins approaching and i panic i've had this dream before and i experience the same feelings I'm falling and helpless and i can't do anything because i'm trapped and falling into the realization of the absurdity of the situation and i can't do anything but wake up
I don't understand myself sometimes. I have a mate whom I love with all of my heart, I have a fantastic new career which I just started, and with a new tenant my monetary situation is improving greatly. So why do I still act like a lonely single guy? Sometimes I confuse myself and most times I realize that I am just a slave to my vices.
I am still hoping (and I believe it is soon), that I will wake up from the most disturbing dream of my life. My only fear is that I will be waking up in the next clearing.
Hail to the Vortex,
Patient Saint
Christmas. On my way to see my family for Christmas.
July. July 14th, in the morning. EARLY in the morning. What the hell is wrong with you Pat?
Christmas none the less, and I am driving my beat up Jeep Cherokee to either Sedalia or my parents house i'm not entirely sure but I know it is monday and i know something is not right
A whiskey cold empty triumphant Labor day weekend years ago. I died, yet was forever cursed to continue living. Waking up with only one desperate thought: well you got what you wished for, is that what you really want?
it is too warm, and those clouds look too much like rain and thunder as opposed to snow and cheer and i arrive and all is good because i remember completely fucking up the last one and i heard about my grandma fucking up the last holiday which was my cousin's son's birthday last week
Apparently there was a part of me that did. More than ever, I might add. And black was after that. Black, always looming on the edge of my vision. A self inflicted wound of the soul (always the most difficult to see) which still bleeds hurt, betrayal, and confusion into my periphery, just out of sight and secret to only me. Something that will follow me to the grave and haunt me always and forever.
July 13th, The day before, Pat. What world are you in?
and i put two and two together that things are just not right here that something is not jiving with common reality yet i press on and on deeper into the house that i grew up in
It just seems so different these days, as if I never lived there, and I think that is part of growing up and moving away, when you come back to the house where you spent your childhood, it just seems different. Add to that the miles you've traveled, both physically and most of all emotionally, and you are a stranger in a strange land. There comes a time in everybody's life that they can never be the same bright eyed child that grew up in those walls. The unscarred youth eagerly running down the steps on Christmas morning, or counting the days to (inevitably) one less summer vacation all the while seeing an infinity of lazy summer days through a child's innocent eye.
my brother is there and his friend is too and my dad asks if i want anything to drink and i tell him a beer would be nice and i feel fine for once around my parents i feel relaxed and i don't know what is coming over me because i never feel relaxed around my family but for once i do
still though something feels off
Departing into a new world, I turned a page in what has been almost two years of ecstasy and misery. I turned that page with my compadres; Goob, Eddie Monster, and Chris, the three of us drinking stolen wine in 7B. I will never forget those Adam's Mark days, I will always treasure my late night hours prowling the air shafts and forgotten hallways. I will always remember the friends I made there (Brian B-Gottie, Eric, Brian S, The Haasch, The General King KT, Goob, The Puppy, Eddie Monster, Tom Foolery, Closet Cruz, Last Minute Lopez, Karen, Damnit Janet, Alex of the Power, The Mo-Dil Show, The infamous Jim and Joe Show!!!, Bus, Kurt the Flirt, Timmy!!!, Poison Girl, Scotty Doesn't Know, Pinky and the Brain, The One Upper, Darth Dottie, RAAAMMMZZZYYYY!!!!!, Tron Squirrelly, Green Dick, Laura G, Ankika Baby, Michael A, Souli B, Margeret C, Erik D, Bianca, Parker, Princess Fiona, Randy Walnuts, Fana, Larry R, Major and the entire engineering gang, and most of all Corey, my predecessor to the legend of AV10, thanks for getting it all started. Even though we never worked together, I hope I maintained an acceptable monthly quota of mayhem. I will make sure that legacy is passed down to whoever gets those keys. With Swank coming in, that might not happen, so I guess it was a good run.
and then i wake up and realize i nodded off at my parents house on one of the overstuffed leather sofas and i curse myself because once again i checked out at christmas even though i swore i would never do it again so i get up and try to maintain an image of composure even though i am now in enemy territory and am not sure when i can expect to be under fire
I remember the groups I hosted in my dungeon during my sentence. My favorites include CanVention, NAGVA, PHMA, FurCon, UAC (The Globos, E. And the Trussell, don't forget the Trussell and Globo!!!), HRC (obviously), Colorado Gold Rush, Constellation Brands, Motorola (bitch of a set, but got to learn the Hog 2), 2008 Libertarian Party Convention (!!!), Sun Microsystems,
dinner is over and we are on to a dessert of holiday sugar cookies on santa claus themed dishes along with gooey over filled pastries and my mom won't even look at me with anything but an eye of disapproval
I could have done without MENSA, SPS, Barbershop, Smart Marriages, Adventures in Advertising, Microsoft, Focus on the Family, US Economic Commission, Most government groups, Kleinfelder, Jack off (and) Jill, All Debutante Galas,
Which you are used to these days, right Pat?
so i keep on going trying to help and outside i realize with a start that it is raining and i wonder how long i was out after doing the math i figure an hour maybe because the sun is just going down but wait is this july or is this december? i cannot tell for during the last days time has a way of distorting itself and much like in the dark tower series which i am reading my world has moved on and time and everything else is not like it used to be
I am not proud of the fact that I had to leave for health reasons. My position at the Adam's Mark was causing stress that I could only manage by drinking excessively and on extreme occasions I began cutting myself again. My scarlet trails run down my right leg and lead you right to the old Adam's Mark. I never thought it would turn out that way, it was supposed to be an hourly job that paid my way through grad school. Somewhere I lost my way.
but that is how it was always supposed to be and even though i always denied the truth it was always meant to be regardless of what class i took or career path i went down my internal dissolution was always in the cards lurking just around the corner like the cheerful santa claus face of my youth falling away from my trembling fingers and shattering along the edges of his jovial face as the ceramic behind him broke apart
I became caught up in the urban warfare that was life at the A-Mark. I thrived on it. I was a pirate and a gangster. I loved every minute when it was clan warfare and we were up to something to fuck with another department (preferably banquets, they were the sitting ducks in our sights). Security was a close second. We ruled that hotel, and I will never forget my pride in my crew during the last days. It was hard to leave, it really was. Half of my friends down there did not even know I was leaving. Just like always, I pretended that I was born there, and I always lived there. I never alluded to an outside life, and I didn't start than. I figured that I came in unknown, and I would leave the same way I have always left: silently.
my zune was next and stunned i was unable to worry about the small electronic device laying in two pieces on the hardwood for i was worried about what i might drop next and all the while i was telling myself to keep it together for just ten minutes.
One of the first jobs I left with very little notice was Cbeyond. I resigned quietly, I shook hands with my boss quietly, and we parted ways amiably. Leaving the A-Mark was even more subtle. For some stupid reason I didn't want everyone to know I was leaving, yet I have been trying to get out for a year. Unlike the bullshit I have done in the past, I am missing the old school. I am a fish used to a big tank yet placed in a small one. I still have a roughneck, cut-throat, clandestine attitude that I perfected at the Adam's Mark.
the guests have left and for some reason its just me and my mom in the kitchen but she appears to have retreated to the sitting area which is sunken from the kitchen and everything is wrong because the sitting area sits to the west but now it is to the south and i pick up the shattered remains of the saint of the yule and realize he is still mainly intact and identifiable
And I'm scared because I need to be a bit more responsible, more professional, more down to earth than I was at the A mark. Bad habits set in, though, and they don't go away. If there is one thing that I took away from the Adam's Mark, it is bad habits. I think that is part of the reason that a few of the senior people refuse to abandon the sinking ship, bad habits are tolerated.
but he is broken at the same time and i can't help but comment on the irony of the situation which oddly enough earns me a laugh from my mom
Breaking comfortable bad habits is a challenge for me. It always has been, because I always need a crutch when times are hard. But right now, times are certainly not hard, but old habits die hard. Always and forever.
I walk down to the sunken living room and suddenly find myself in a winter street with snow blowing around me and I approach my car with my mom sitting inside it and suddenly a bear begins approaching and i panic i've had this dream before and i experience the same feelings I'm falling and helpless and i can't do anything because i'm trapped and falling into the realization of the absurdity of the situation and i can't do anything but wake up
I don't understand myself sometimes. I have a mate whom I love with all of my heart, I have a fantastic new career which I just started, and with a new tenant my monetary situation is improving greatly. So why do I still act like a lonely single guy? Sometimes I confuse myself and most times I realize that I am just a slave to my vices.
I am still hoping (and I believe it is soon), that I will wake up from the most disturbing dream of my life. My only fear is that I will be waking up in the next clearing.
Hail to the Vortex,
Patient Saint