I Feel Dead All Over
Last night was the first time I felt weird around Cris. We layed in my bed and watched The Island...which is incredibly TOO MUCH running. Damn those kids run lol. Anyhow I knew we couldnt have sex so my drive was ZERO. I guess I just feel betrayed by Cris. I feel like I trusted him with the most secret part of me and now he wants nothing to do with it. For me...sex is more than just physical. YEa it feels good, and I like it and have an orgasm damn near everytime, sometimes doubles...But its the movement of the bodies, the togetherness, two bodies occupying one space and time. Why!!!! Doesnt he see this? Why does he want to give up the one place where we can be together? He says hes scared and doesnt want to be reckless. But he only wants to do that for himself. He's punishing me to make himself feel better. And he doesnt even know it. I'm so sad right now. I wish this wasnt all happening. I want to wake up, I hate this dream!!!!
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So now what do I do? We are exchanging presents, going to the festival of lights and seeing fun with Dick and Jane tonight. Am I to feel out of place all night? I think I should try and enjoy this as platonically as possible. I can do that. But I jsut dont see Cris as a platonic friend. But then again I have never given him the chance to be. I feel Dead all Over