Field Report #7932
Brief: In the wake of personal upheaval, unit is engaging in detailed technical analysis to determine the best course of recreation and rehabilitation.
Full: I have temporarily retired myself from active volunteer service, in consideration of two major factors. First, as I have been meticulously compiling a complete set of field reports (#s 7897-7931) to document recent events, my functional performance has been heavily compromised by personal issues. The voluminous reports detailing them are classified and stored in the "Slag I Completely Fragged Up" data archive (section #U12-56.7). Second, in a matter related to those personal issues, I find myself completely unable to separate my limbs from their position around Trailbreaker, impairing my operational status.
This leaves me frustratingly inactive during the substantial time intervals during Trailbreaker's periods of recharge. In order to make constructive use of these intervals, I have studied examined patterns of human time usage over the medium of the Internet and initiated Operation Lurking Walrus. Far and away the most substantial quantity of time is spent on what are termed "massively multiplayer online roleplaying games," and the premium software title among these with the heaviest traffic is "World of Warcraft." See Fig. 1 for sample gameplay footage.
Figure 1
I am in the process of observing that the average human is not particularly intelligent or productive with their short life span.
Unfortunately, my entirely objective and rigorous analysis has been stymied before obtaining any actual gameplay experience. Prior to entering the simulated world of the game, the player must select a "race" (i.e. species) for visual self-representation and a "class" suite of abilities to develop as one progresses. I have been unable to get past this selection process, because all of the races are total bullshit. I'll review the evidence.
Human: Fantasy my plated aft. The only thing imaginative or interesting I can find about the human presence in this allegedly escapist virtual reality is that there are few to no signs of the human tendency towards massive overbreeding. This lack of children is the probable cause behind the swollen mammaries of the females (see Fig. 2).
Figure 2
Orc: They're not bloodthirsty thugs, they're noble warriors! Funny, that almost sounds familiar. Where have I heard that line of slag before? Oh, right.
Figure 3
Night Elf: This initially seemed like an appealing option, with both an intriguing fictional "lore" attached to the race in-game and a pleasing aesthetic. I have since realized that their entire purpose is to be the subject of pornographic materials.
Figure 4
Blood Elf: See above, then add a color inversion.
Figure 5
Draeenaneieiiia: I can't spell it and neither can anyone else.
Figure 6
Troll: The idea of riding a Dinobot around is immensely appealing, but not much else is. Bad hygiene and poor posture. Next.
Figure 7
Dwarf: Now we're getting much closer to the mark. Properly proportioned and amusing in both their demeanor and alcoholism, this race is only unacceptable because I have no idea which version of their plural is correct. Also, I am displeased that a kilt is not part of the starting equipment.
Figure 8
Tauren: I am frankly terrified of the human anthropomorphization of the beasts they slaughter for food consumption. This alone would bear investigation, but the discovery that the Tauren in game eat beef products has deterred me from, you know, actually wanting to know.
Figure 9
Undead: Speaking of cannibalism. Strange as it may sound, the representation of unrepentant evil makes me uninclined to take one of these on as my persona in my spare time. I'll leave that to Slingshot.
Figure 10
Gnomes: Gnomes are without a doubt the best race playable in World of Warcraft. They are sleek, compact death machines of efficient scale, and cute as a button to boot. That being said, WTF CLASS SELECTION? I can't be a Gnome priest or paladin, carrying forth on a holy crusade to purge the worlds of Azeroth of carnival ride height requirements? They don't even get their own starting area, they just get tacked onto Ironforge?
I think I need to pay Blizzard headquarters a visit. And when I do, it will look almost as terrifying as Fig. 11.
Figure 11
Warpath out.
Full: I have temporarily retired myself from active volunteer service, in consideration of two major factors. First, as I have been meticulously compiling a complete set of field reports (#s 7897-7931) to document recent events, my functional performance has been heavily compromised by personal issues. The voluminous reports detailing them are classified and stored in the "Slag I Completely Fragged Up" data archive (section #U12-56.7). Second, in a matter related to those personal issues, I find myself completely unable to separate my limbs from their position around Trailbreaker, impairing my operational status.
This leaves me frustratingly inactive during the substantial time intervals during Trailbreaker's periods of recharge. In order to make constructive use of these intervals, I have studied examined patterns of human time usage over the medium of the Internet and initiated Operation Lurking Walrus. Far and away the most substantial quantity of time is spent on what are termed "massively multiplayer online roleplaying games," and the premium software title among these with the heaviest traffic is "World of Warcraft." See Fig. 1 for sample gameplay footage.
Click to viewFigure 1
I am in the process of observing that the average human is not particularly intelligent or productive with their short life span.
Unfortunately, my entirely objective and rigorous analysis has been stymied before obtaining any actual gameplay experience. Prior to entering the simulated world of the game, the player must select a "race" (i.e. species) for visual self-representation and a "class" suite of abilities to develop as one progresses. I have been unable to get past this selection process, because all of the races are total bullshit. I'll review the evidence.
Human: Fantasy my plated aft. The only thing imaginative or interesting I can find about the human presence in this allegedly escapist virtual reality is that there are few to no signs of the human tendency towards massive overbreeding. This lack of children is the probable cause behind the swollen mammaries of the females (see Fig. 2).
Figure 2
Orc: They're not bloodthirsty thugs, they're noble warriors! Funny, that almost sounds familiar. Where have I heard that line of slag before? Oh, right.
Figure 3
Night Elf: This initially seemed like an appealing option, with both an intriguing fictional "lore" attached to the race in-game and a pleasing aesthetic. I have since realized that their entire purpose is to be the subject of pornographic materials.
Figure 4
Blood Elf: See above, then add a color inversion.
Figure 5
Draeenaneieiiia: I can't spell it and neither can anyone else.
Figure 6
Troll: The idea of riding a Dinobot around is immensely appealing, but not much else is. Bad hygiene and poor posture. Next.
Figure 7
Dwarf: Now we're getting much closer to the mark. Properly proportioned and amusing in both their demeanor and alcoholism, this race is only unacceptable because I have no idea which version of their plural is correct. Also, I am displeased that a kilt is not part of the starting equipment.
Figure 8
Tauren: I am frankly terrified of the human anthropomorphization of the beasts they slaughter for food consumption. This alone would bear investigation, but the discovery that the Tauren in game eat beef products has deterred me from, you know, actually wanting to know.
Figure 9
Undead: Speaking of cannibalism. Strange as it may sound, the representation of unrepentant evil makes me uninclined to take one of these on as my persona in my spare time. I'll leave that to Slingshot.
Figure 10
Gnomes: Gnomes are without a doubt the best race playable in World of Warcraft. They are sleek, compact death machines of efficient scale, and cute as a button to boot. That being said, WTF CLASS SELECTION? I can't be a Gnome priest or paladin, carrying forth on a holy crusade to purge the worlds of Azeroth of carnival ride height requirements? They don't even get their own starting area, they just get tacked onto Ironforge?
I think I need to pay Blizzard headquarters a visit. And when I do, it will look almost as terrifying as Fig. 11.
Figure 11
Warpath out.