(no subject)
I was foolish to think that I could rise above it all like some sort of angelic being whose feet never touch the soil. I fell into this crevice again and my hands and feet are muddy just as yours are. And right now, I can't tell whether I am clamouring out or not. I can't tell if the things I do are a ritual to my demise or if I am desperately trying to regain some sort of foothold. I've been crying a great deal since yesterday. It began yesterday when my best friend told me that she doesn't have any feelings for me and never could after we slept in the same bed. I never loved anyone like I loved her and I know that the one dream I would do anything for; the dream I would die just to have a taste of, there's not even a sliver of hope for.
For the longest time, the fear of death had kept me going. It was a motivator for me in my lowest time. But, the emotional pain that I experience right now as I think that I'll never be as close to my best friend as I'd like to, I'd gladly welcome the possibility of oblivion, of fading into nothing and with the knowledge of the world that I've gleaned, I'm inclined to believe that there is nothing on the other side. It's funny how, when I was younger, oblivion in death scared me so much that I didn't want to think about it. Then, as I've gotten into college. It was a liberating thought, but still frightening. Now, as I feel this impeding darkness wash over me, this kind of darkness that permeates even bright and happy days for everyone else. I see twilight where others see a bright noon, dark clouds where others see sunlight.
I hope that I don't sound like I'm asking for pity. I guess I just know that it's in my head and that I can clamour for this. It's just funny how easily unrequited love can tear us down.
An online friend was trying to help drag me from the muck decided that somehow telling me that there would never be anything between her and I. I think it only helped push me further toward the edge. Not that I exactly wanted to date her; but because she proved to me how truly worthless I look in the eyes of the opposite sex. I know, ultimately, I just need more confidence and less anxiety. I just think those are two things that won't come easily and so the road seems long and nearly impossible. I look at myself in the mirror and realize how fat and ugly, I am. I'm 28 years old, and to me that feels like I'm ancient. I think above all of this, I want for her happiness so badly. I would do anything to make sure that she is always happy. I would sacrifice my entire being for her.
I guess, in this, lies my destiny. I hope that one day I can prove to her how much I love her. This is probably the only thing that keeps me going now. And the strange thing is, I want nothing from it but her happiness, to lift her above all of this.
For the longest time, the fear of death had kept me going. It was a motivator for me in my lowest time. But, the emotional pain that I experience right now as I think that I'll never be as close to my best friend as I'd like to, I'd gladly welcome the possibility of oblivion, of fading into nothing and with the knowledge of the world that I've gleaned, I'm inclined to believe that there is nothing on the other side. It's funny how, when I was younger, oblivion in death scared me so much that I didn't want to think about it. Then, as I've gotten into college. It was a liberating thought, but still frightening. Now, as I feel this impeding darkness wash over me, this kind of darkness that permeates even bright and happy days for everyone else. I see twilight where others see a bright noon, dark clouds where others see sunlight.
I hope that I don't sound like I'm asking for pity. I guess I just know that it's in my head and that I can clamour for this. It's just funny how easily unrequited love can tear us down.
An online friend was trying to help drag me from the muck decided that somehow telling me that there would never be anything between her and I. I think it only helped push me further toward the edge. Not that I exactly wanted to date her; but because she proved to me how truly worthless I look in the eyes of the opposite sex. I know, ultimately, I just need more confidence and less anxiety. I just think those are two things that won't come easily and so the road seems long and nearly impossible. I look at myself in the mirror and realize how fat and ugly, I am. I'm 28 years old, and to me that feels like I'm ancient. I think above all of this, I want for her happiness so badly. I would do anything to make sure that she is always happy. I would sacrifice my entire being for her.
I guess, in this, lies my destiny. I hope that one day I can prove to her how much I love her. This is probably the only thing that keeps me going now. And the strange thing is, I want nothing from it but her happiness, to lift her above all of this.