- i don't wanna be there when ur coming down, & i don't wanna be there when u hit the ground -
brandy-- my very long journal entry to keep you busy :) lyy
today was like every other school day. those ones where i don't get enough sleep, the day went by without me even seeming to be there, i was in my own world, and whatever. ever since i talked to brandy about -him- i've been thinking about -him-. it's bad. feels like im going back to my own solitude. i just wish i could change so many things. i want to be in that position again and be myself. i won't lie to him anymore. god, and it just pisses me off thinking that slut slept with him. she doesn't and won't ever know. i guess i couldn't be let down if i didn't expect anything at all from people but hell, lets all just start over :[ i miss the happiness he use to give me. it was unlike *ANY* other feeling. i can't lie to myself or anyone else. this is it. realizing once more that i'll never be able to get over him. he's always going to be a part of me, whether i like it or not i guess. but i do like it. the bad attention was better then no attention at all and he was just simply p.e.r.f.e.c.t - thinking back on it, tears me apart. i wasn't strong enough to keep him in my life, i wasn't mature enough, or stable enough mentally. i just want his attention again, good or bad. don't let go of the one who makes u smile. hold them close, don't let your friends sleep with them at your own sake:\ heh. how could i let my angel get away.. ?¿
well this morning sarah told me her dad doesn't want me hanging out with her anymore. oh, heh there goes another friend. and it's all because one fucking desicion i made in the beginning of the year. i screw myself over. im so tired of it. i want to change and i've just begun that with her OUT of my life. i just need time. i guess that's too much to ask. argh. i hate it all :\
rob.. one of my closest friends. he's been doing heroin and he told me on the day i was having so much trouble dealing with scott and it was just another burden on my shoulders. he let me down. nothing less. he always told me he'd never do that and fucking look. i can't take it. he told me he was quitting and staying at his moms away from all that shit but looks like hes not. remember how i said i thought he was fucked up the day i saw him after school? well he was. this is making him only care about himself. he was never a selfish person but now he somehow is. and i don't wanna deal with it but i can't let him in it all alone. he said ' i kno you went through something tragic but you don't understand.' fuck that. he doesn't understand. i just get so ~frusterated~ and everytime he calls and he sounds fucked up i just wanna hang up on him. but im too afraid to ask him so i don't kno for sure but i should trust my instinct. i hate him for doing it and i hope one day he reads this and realizes what hes putting me through as well as all his family that cares. he doesn't wanna go to rehab bc 'it won't work' well neither will doing line after line and i kno damn well, he can lie and deny it but it -is- going to end up with him shootin. and i just can't fucking deal.
this friday we have an 'all sports day' thats some gay shit. and i can't skip bc of all the days i've missed let alone being suspended. im not going to participate and i'm not going to wear yellow as all the freshman are suppose to. what are the going to do, put me in the inschool room, big fuckin whoop. this weekend im hopefully going with brandy to her dads bc it's tias bday :) we'll prolly go to pnut and what not, but who knows for sure. brandy wanted me to have a long entry so i talked about everything on my mind. shes napping cause tia bo bia's on playing sims til 7, but she'll bb in less than 15 mins. that's about all for now. byeee
today was like every other school day. those ones where i don't get enough sleep, the day went by without me even seeming to be there, i was in my own world, and whatever. ever since i talked to brandy about -him- i've been thinking about -him-. it's bad. feels like im going back to my own solitude. i just wish i could change so many things. i want to be in that position again and be myself. i won't lie to him anymore. god, and it just pisses me off thinking that slut slept with him. she doesn't and won't ever know. i guess i couldn't be let down if i didn't expect anything at all from people but hell, lets all just start over :[ i miss the happiness he use to give me. it was unlike *ANY* other feeling. i can't lie to myself or anyone else. this is it. realizing once more that i'll never be able to get over him. he's always going to be a part of me, whether i like it or not i guess. but i do like it. the bad attention was better then no attention at all and he was just simply p.e.r.f.e.c.t - thinking back on it, tears me apart. i wasn't strong enough to keep him in my life, i wasn't mature enough, or stable enough mentally. i just want his attention again, good or bad. don't let go of the one who makes u smile. hold them close, don't let your friends sleep with them at your own sake:\ heh. how could i let my angel get away.. ?¿
well this morning sarah told me her dad doesn't want me hanging out with her anymore. oh, heh there goes another friend. and it's all because one fucking desicion i made in the beginning of the year. i screw myself over. im so tired of it. i want to change and i've just begun that with her OUT of my life. i just need time. i guess that's too much to ask. argh. i hate it all :\
rob.. one of my closest friends. he's been doing heroin and he told me on the day i was having so much trouble dealing with scott and it was just another burden on my shoulders. he let me down. nothing less. he always told me he'd never do that and fucking look. i can't take it. he told me he was quitting and staying at his moms away from all that shit but looks like hes not. remember how i said i thought he was fucked up the day i saw him after school? well he was. this is making him only care about himself. he was never a selfish person but now he somehow is. and i don't wanna deal with it but i can't let him in it all alone. he said ' i kno you went through something tragic but you don't understand.' fuck that. he doesn't understand. i just get so ~frusterated~ and everytime he calls and he sounds fucked up i just wanna hang up on him. but im too afraid to ask him so i don't kno for sure but i should trust my instinct. i hate him for doing it and i hope one day he reads this and realizes what hes putting me through as well as all his family that cares. he doesn't wanna go to rehab bc 'it won't work' well neither will doing line after line and i kno damn well, he can lie and deny it but it -is- going to end up with him shootin. and i just can't fucking deal.
this friday we have an 'all sports day' thats some gay shit. and i can't skip bc of all the days i've missed let alone being suspended. im not going to participate and i'm not going to wear yellow as all the freshman are suppose to. what are the going to do, put me in the inschool room, big fuckin whoop. this weekend im hopefully going with brandy to her dads bc it's tias bday :) we'll prolly go to pnut and what not, but who knows for sure. brandy wanted me to have a long entry so i talked about everything on my mind. shes napping cause tia bo bia's on playing sims til 7, but she'll bb in less than 15 mins. that's about all for now. byeee