001
[The camera switches on, and you are greeted with an extreme close-up of Mikhail's filthy, pockmarked cheek. After a moment of crazy motion blur wobbling, he steadies it, holding the screen far enough from his face that he can give you the one eyed death glare. When he speaks, his accent sounds ridiculously over the top and his voice is all low and conspiratorial, like he's telling a horror story.]
For three weeks, I try to locate source of water contamination. Every road is dead end. A complete mystery.
[Dramatic pause!]
But apparently the children bring with them good luck. Clapet? It seems you were right all along!
SUCCESS!
[At that, he holds up to the screen the most gruesome looking animal corpse in the history of ever. It's missing both eyes, lacks a bottom jaw and it's all fleshy and soaking wet and urgh.]
It is raccoon, like from Walt Disney movie, Pocahontas!
[He stares down at it super fondly before glancing up at the camera again.]
The tap water--- she should be safe to drink once more in approximately... two to three days. Until then, as stated in the signed papers, water bottles will be provided within the cafeteria at no extra cost.
[He rests the dead raccoon on his shoulder, wipes the gore left on his bare hands off onto his sleeves and unzips the breast pocket of his awesome standard issue groundskeeper jumpsuit. From it, he pulls a little piece of paper, which he then holds off-screen.
In a monotone, I'M CLEARLY READING FROM PROMPTS voice:]
Welcome to Camp Isukketpuns, where the sun is always shining and laughter, adventure, smiling and artistic creativity all abounds. Now, whether you are in cabin Saber-toothed-tiger [He pauses to limply claw a hand at the camera] or the cabin Dodo, [Cue arm flap] remember to listen to the camp counselors at all times, and that the nightly curfews exist for maximum enjoyment of all. I am Mr. Bakunin, your groundskeeper of eleven years, and it is my job to work behind the scenes to ensure that you have safe and wonderful visit.
[And--- wait, what's this? The side of his mouth wobbles and for a brief moment he looks genuinely pained; his stained teeth bared and eye narrowed. Then it becomes apparent that he's trying to smile. He holds it a little longer, before dropping the act entirely and resuming the glare from before.]
You keep out of my way and we'll all get along just fine.
For three weeks, I try to locate source of water contamination. Every road is dead end. A complete mystery.
[Dramatic pause!]
But apparently the children bring with them good luck. Clapet? It seems you were right all along!
SUCCESS!
[At that, he holds up to the screen the most gruesome looking animal corpse in the history of ever. It's missing both eyes, lacks a bottom jaw and it's all fleshy and soaking wet and urgh.]
It is raccoon, like from Walt Disney movie, Pocahontas!
[He stares down at it super fondly before glancing up at the camera again.]
The tap water--- she should be safe to drink once more in approximately... two to three days. Until then, as stated in the signed papers, water bottles will be provided within the cafeteria at no extra cost.
[He rests the dead raccoon on his shoulder, wipes the gore left on his bare hands off onto his sleeves and unzips the breast pocket of his awesome standard issue groundskeeper jumpsuit. From it, he pulls a little piece of paper, which he then holds off-screen.
In a monotone, I'M CLEARLY READING FROM PROMPTS voice:]
Welcome to Camp Isukketpuns, where the sun is always shining and laughter, adventure, smiling and artistic creativity all abounds. Now, whether you are in cabin Saber-toothed-tiger [He pauses to limply claw a hand at the camera] or the cabin Dodo, [Cue arm flap] remember to listen to the camp counselors at all times, and that the nightly curfews exist for maximum enjoyment of all. I am Mr. Bakunin, your groundskeeper of eleven years, and it is my job to work behind the scenes to ensure that you have safe and wonderful visit.
[And--- wait, what's this? The side of his mouth wobbles and for a brief moment he looks genuinely pained; his stained teeth bared and eye narrowed. Then it becomes apparent that he's trying to smile. He holds it a little longer, before dropping the act entirely and resuming the glare from before.]
You keep out of my way and we'll all get along just fine.