Pieces of what we used to call hope
That title is from MGMT's Pieces of what btw
First off I am really sorry if I owe you comments/replies or whatever things are just really shit at the moment, and I should explain why.
Saturday was both brilliant and terrible. Musically it was the best gig I’ve ever been to, both Spiers & Boden and the Tacet Ensemble were so amazing. But, photography wise I fucked up and fucked up so spectacularly and it’s all my fault. You guys know I was pretty freaked out just because it was Spiers & Boden, but uh the crowd. Folk and classic music conjures up images of people sitting around drinking sophisticated drinks etc right? Well yeah that was it basically, now put a nervous wreck in that kind of crowd, walking around and taking photos with a camera that clicks, and I mean really loudly. I’ve never noticed it before, at the Concorde you can’t hear yourself think so why would I notice it. But at a show that quiet I was irritating myself with it let alone the rest of the audience.
Basically the point of this is that I was so nervous and so on edge that I couldn’t stop shaking and maybe just over a dozen photos are in focus and even then they’re pretty shitty images.
And of course Adam (the percussionist for the Tacet Ensemble) is actually expecting me to email him the pictures, but I don’t have any that I could send to him, because the ones I have are freaky shots of the venue/the guys setting up during sound check. I have none on them actually performing.
I have pretty shitty self-esteem anyway and although it’s not reliant on other peoples opinion of myself or what I do it is on how I see myself and really I am right back to square one because of this. I even pulled out of camera club tonight and I love my camera club, I just didn’t want to deal with seeing other peoples’ stuff at the moment.
The thing is I keep reading these posts about how things are really shity for you guys because of your relationships with other people/family etc and I don’t comment because I have fuck all experience with that stuff. I am spectacularly messed up but it’s an internal thing, for the most part, I got bullied a lot at school and I have a deep seated loathing for my gran and most of my aunts and uncles, but they tend to live far enough away/I get out the house when they’re over so I don’t have to deal with them.
But the majority of shit in my life stems from myself, particularly because of the Aspergers, it means I get my wires crossed a lot and can’t deal with certain aspects of ‘normal’ social interaction, and that I end up interpreting things the wrong way. But knowing that it’s me and my issues also means that I know I have to be the one to sort myself out, which is good because I’m the only one that knows what works and what makes sense in my head. Like this, what started out as a rant has become me hashing things out and reordering myself into something that works again.
Like that Rocksound article with Ryan, where he said he’d take things apart as a kid and then realise he didn’t know how to fix them. It made me feel really kind of sad for him because I can look at a pile of junk and see the bits that fit together, the lines where things start to make sense again, and I can’t imagine not having that. Either internal or external.
In addition to all my advent and secret santa things I’m going to make a music post! Not until the 21st though. Last year I did my year in pictures, which I might do again this year, idk, it would mostly be gig!spam but some of you might enjoy the other random things that crop up. But yes music post! I’ve been planning it in my head for like a month at least, my Top Ten albums and Top Ten songs of the year, I have playlists that I’m listening to now and yeah, I like talking about music I love and why I love it, and I like sharing new things with people. So expect that, music and flail. I bet I even end up surprising myself with the songs/albums that show up where ever they do. (No.1 Album has been decided for ages though; shush you’ll find out later. All the songs are still undecided though, short list of 27 right now, that has to go down to ten!)
And they'll definitely be songs/albums/bands you've never heard of in there, trust me on this shit
Hmm I feel much better in myself now.
First off I am really sorry if I owe you comments/replies or whatever things are just really shit at the moment, and I should explain why.
Saturday was both brilliant and terrible. Musically it was the best gig I’ve ever been to, both Spiers & Boden and the Tacet Ensemble were so amazing. But, photography wise I fucked up and fucked up so spectacularly and it’s all my fault. You guys know I was pretty freaked out just because it was Spiers & Boden, but uh the crowd. Folk and classic music conjures up images of people sitting around drinking sophisticated drinks etc right? Well yeah that was it basically, now put a nervous wreck in that kind of crowd, walking around and taking photos with a camera that clicks, and I mean really loudly. I’ve never noticed it before, at the Concorde you can’t hear yourself think so why would I notice it. But at a show that quiet I was irritating myself with it let alone the rest of the audience.
Basically the point of this is that I was so nervous and so on edge that I couldn’t stop shaking and maybe just over a dozen photos are in focus and even then they’re pretty shitty images.
And of course Adam (the percussionist for the Tacet Ensemble) is actually expecting me to email him the pictures, but I don’t have any that I could send to him, because the ones I have are freaky shots of the venue/the guys setting up during sound check. I have none on them actually performing.
I have pretty shitty self-esteem anyway and although it’s not reliant on other peoples opinion of myself or what I do it is on how I see myself and really I am right back to square one because of this. I even pulled out of camera club tonight and I love my camera club, I just didn’t want to deal with seeing other peoples’ stuff at the moment.
The thing is I keep reading these posts about how things are really shity for you guys because of your relationships with other people/family etc and I don’t comment because I have fuck all experience with that stuff. I am spectacularly messed up but it’s an internal thing, for the most part, I got bullied a lot at school and I have a deep seated loathing for my gran and most of my aunts and uncles, but they tend to live far enough away/I get out the house when they’re over so I don’t have to deal with them.
But the majority of shit in my life stems from myself, particularly because of the Aspergers, it means I get my wires crossed a lot and can’t deal with certain aspects of ‘normal’ social interaction, and that I end up interpreting things the wrong way. But knowing that it’s me and my issues also means that I know I have to be the one to sort myself out, which is good because I’m the only one that knows what works and what makes sense in my head. Like this, what started out as a rant has become me hashing things out and reordering myself into something that works again.
Like that Rocksound article with Ryan, where he said he’d take things apart as a kid and then realise he didn’t know how to fix them. It made me feel really kind of sad for him because I can look at a pile of junk and see the bits that fit together, the lines where things start to make sense again, and I can’t imagine not having that. Either internal or external.
In addition to all my advent and secret santa things I’m going to make a music post! Not until the 21st though. Last year I did my year in pictures, which I might do again this year, idk, it would mostly be gig!spam but some of you might enjoy the other random things that crop up. But yes music post! I’ve been planning it in my head for like a month at least, my Top Ten albums and Top Ten songs of the year, I have playlists that I’m listening to now and yeah, I like talking about music I love and why I love it, and I like sharing new things with people. So expect that, music and flail. I bet I even end up surprising myself with the songs/albums that show up where ever they do. (No.1 Album has been decided for ages though; shush you’ll find out later. All the songs are still undecided though, short list of 27 right now, that has to go down to ten!)
And they'll definitely be songs/albums/bands you've never heard of in there, trust me on this shit
Hmm I feel much better in myself now.