True Blood Thoughts 6.03!
Are we still strapped in tight, motherfuckers? Yes? Then let's do this again. Episode three, and GO!
Well, vanilla-chai-skinny-soy-latte, first. Then Go.
*Previously, some stuff happened.
*We open on Eric sliding his hand up Willa's thigh and asking if she's daddy's little girl. That actress' job doesn't suck right now. He asks if her daddy would be sad if Eric decided to rape her and I know it's skeevy, but it's fictional so I'm allowed to find it hot and you all have to shut up. She snaps out of her glamour and offers to help him - she knows about the "experiments". Eric is intrigued enough to whisk her out the window before the guards turn up. Credits.
*Jess turns the TV off and quizzes Bill about his premonitions. He has to stop them coming true, because one of the burning vampires was Jessica, and Bill can simply not be with the having of that. He's scary, but at least he's daddy again, so we love him a bit just for now.
*Sookie is still playing with that new light trick, Jason is feeling a bit under the weather and pops one of Lafayette's pills, and son, do we not remember last time with the boner that ended all boners? No time, because WARLOW. We all race around in the yard like morons for a minute, and Warlow gets away. Nial is going out to find Warlow, and Jason doesn't get to go because he is concussed and stupid in roughly equal amounts.
*Eric is back with Willa, and Pam and Tara are less than impressed with him. Pam wants to kill her, Tara wants to glamour her and send her home, because Tara is less mean than Pam. Eric would like everybody to stop arguing and pack their stuff so they can leave. Willa wants to help, and doesn't need to be glamoured. Not sure if trust. Not sure if hot. But Eric wants to find "camp", so I guess we're stuck with this chick for now. I, however, will need to see boobs before forming a solid opinion.
*Some heinous psycho in a lab coat is tormenting Steve Newlin, who is the newest visitor to vamp camp.
*Pam is sad about Fangtasia, Eric pretends he isn't, and we don't buy it. About to leave Fangtasia, Pam once again suggests killing Willa, Eric says no.
*Sam and Lala wake up in Sam's trailer, the hipster activist wannabe's helped them inside. Big Hair Chick ("Nicole") is actually an okay lady. The other guy, howevs, is a douche. Whatever the plan is, Lafayette is going to help, whether Sam likes it or not, and that's because Sam has always been cool to Lafayette, and Lala loves him.
*Eric is at Ginger's gross, skanky door. She's excited to the point of being all drippy downstairs, but here are Tara and Pam to ruin everything, and Ginger is disappointed that she and Eric will not be "fuckin" on this occasion, though Eric promises her they will one day. I so badly don't want to see that. They're all going to ground, and no, the vamps will not be sleeping all together and leaving Willa outside, she will be staying with Eric because Eric doesn't trust Pam not to kill her. Neither do I, truth be told. Ginger, take Pam and Tara to your underground lair (ew. Not a euphemism).
*Bill is convinced he should try daywalking, because, you know, that worked in his hallucination, and Sookie couldn't stake him so clearly he's immortal, or somesuch shit like that. Jessica realises that this would be the definition of going full retard, and one should never go full retard. She begs him not to do it because he's her world, her father, her maker, her friend and OMG ALL THE FEELS LET ME SHOW YOU THEM. Bill has an ass that is dumb, however, so he has a lash at it anyway. And bursts into flames. Because of his ass, and how dumb it is. He staggers inside, Jessica smothers him with a blanket and then wails over her crispy-bacon maker.
*Nial is doing some supernatural version of CSI and finding fairy forensic clues at Club Fae. The spilled blood is all purple and glowy, and here's some pretty little fae boy near death and thinking stuff at Nial. Some awful vamp did all this, so wow, thanks Warlow, you suck. Nial mercy-kills the fae boy.
*Sookie brings Jason some juice and wants to hospitalise him. He refuses, and tells her he's actually better than he was, because a couple of days ago he was hallucinating racist shit and seeing his dead parents. He wants Sookie to press on the pressure points in his hands to help his headache. She complies, but then gently advises him that maybe Mama and Daddy weren't quite as perfect as they thought.
*Kevin! Hey Kevin! He and Andy talk about his vampire dry-cleaner, so that's hysterical. Andy has put Holly and her kids in a hotel to protect them from hungry vamps, but it's not really working and O HAI FAIRY TWEENS. Bahahahaha Andy hasn't named them yet, he's just using numbers.
*Rikki is here to warn Alcide and Martha that the cops are here for Emma, and why Rikki is not naked is beyond me. There's far too much t-shirt and nowhere near enough titty in this scene for my liking. Sorry to be a frat boy about it, but there it is, y'know? Martha has emphysema, hee. Rikki is mean to Emma and scares her into shifting. I'm hoping that was a last resort, because Rikki is hotter than the hinges of hell, but there's no need for that. Cops search the house, nothing but Rikki holding a puppy. The puppy is wearing clothes, Martha and Rikki snark at each other, Alcide overrules Rikki, and hello there, owl on the hill.
*Andy is teaching Holly to shoot, and she sucks. The faetweens are giggly and annoying, they're using their "hand-lasers" as Andy calls them, to zap frogs, which is distracting. Andy has brought Holly to Fort Bellfleur because it's a safe place and awww.
*Willa wants to jump Eric's cold, dead bones, She's trying to put the moves on him, and it's not working per se, but he's closer to trusting her than not. She tries to taste one of his blood tears (he has the bleeds because its daytime), but Eric puts a stop to that because I guess he just doesn't like fun, or something.
*Benlow (that's Ben/Warlow for those of you playing along at home) meets up with Nial and pretends to ask for directions. Nial buys into this shit and they shoot the shit about Warlow, Sookie, and the general state of suckitude of things in the world.
*Bill decides to "run errands" and won't let Jessica help because there's a vampire curfew and he can't risk her getting caught. She argues and wins because she's awesome, so Bill asks her to dress like a slutty schoolgirl to impress some science guy. Said science guy is required because he's the dude who did the blood synthesis-y thing that made Trublood possible. Jessica gets her Lolita on, and science guy almost jizzes in his chinos.
*Steve Newlin is pale and gross. Sarah Newlin has the biggest, most Southern, beauty pageant queen hair that anyone has ever had. He wants her help to escape, she wants him to fuck himself deeply, in the ear, thrice. Because this is vamp camp, and he will be hanging out for the time being. Here's psycho lab coat guy with some torture devices.
*Professor science guy is only just containing his boner as Jessica bats her eyelashes and flaunts her cleavage at him. She grabs him and that would be gingerbaby = 1, scienceskeeze = 0.
*Bill is at Sookie's house, she doesn't want to let him in, and wow he's a jerk to the nth degree. He just kind of busts into the house because he doesn't need an invite now that he's Lillith but not. Bill gives Jason his second concussion of the day, because he wants Sookie's blood so he can synthesise it. He's a jackass about it too, and Sookie doesn't want to play anymore. He gets all "you're dead to me now Sookie", which suits her just fine. Bill leaves, letting Jason fall down the stairs as he does so.
*Hipster activist kids have night vision thingies as they approach a bonfire in a wolf yard party. They're trying to sell their schtick to the wolves, who are all kinds of not into it. Alcide is meaner and mean, and Rikki is not helping, she's wolfing and so are some of the others. Alcide issues the stand down, but that works like not at all, and the owl on the hill is suddenly naked!Sam here to re-kidnap Emma. The Rikkiwolf has gouged Nicole's leg, the Alcidewolf stops her from finishing the job, some jeans suddenly materialise themselves around Sam's arse, and off we go to help this Nicole chick and her dumb butt.
*Ginger answers Eric's phone because she's stupid, but Eric understands that. He wants Tara to tape Willa's mouth shut, Tara Does Not Want, but Tara does not get to Not Want, because Eric is her granddaddy, and as such, Tara will do what she is told. Pam, however, slaps Willa's face playfully because she would rather enjoy taping some mouths shut. The Gov is on the phone, and is all ZOMG you have my daughter. Hee, Eric's phone is untraceable! His phone is untraceable Nora! Eric taunts Truman a bit, Tara believes that he really will kill Willa, and is back to Not Wanting. The Gov caves, he'll do whatever Eric wants, so Eric will give Willa back to him. They go to get her, but Tara has a dumber butt than anyone else in this episode, because she's grabbed Willa and hightailed it. Eric glamours Ginger into stalling the Gov while he deals with this colossal shitstorm.
*Nial has some glowy blood to show Jason and Sookie, and here's Benlow for good measure. I lost interest in this scene, so Sookie's sweeping up the plate Bill broke and I'm not quite sure what's happening. I literally cannot make myself pay attention to this scene. She and Benlow can feel each other listening in on their thoughts, or something. Nial gets all twitchy because Warlow is apparently back, and YEAH HE IS, except, not really, because it's Nora. Jason cops another concussion.
*Andy accosts Bill (whom he still calls "Vampire Bill") in the cemetary. He's all, sorry to do this, great-x5-uncle-vampire-Bill, but curfew, y'know? Bill smells fae on a stuffed dog in Andy's car and is all congrats on your new litter of kids when can I eat them? He walks away with a smile of immense creepitude on his face. Credits.
Well, vanilla-chai-skinny-soy-latte, first. Then Go.
*Previously, some stuff happened.
*We open on Eric sliding his hand up Willa's thigh and asking if she's daddy's little girl. That actress' job doesn't suck right now. He asks if her daddy would be sad if Eric decided to rape her and I know it's skeevy, but it's fictional so I'm allowed to find it hot and you all have to shut up. She snaps out of her glamour and offers to help him - she knows about the "experiments". Eric is intrigued enough to whisk her out the window before the guards turn up. Credits.
*Jess turns the TV off and quizzes Bill about his premonitions. He has to stop them coming true, because one of the burning vampires was Jessica, and Bill can simply not be with the having of that. He's scary, but at least he's daddy again, so we love him a bit just for now.
*Sookie is still playing with that new light trick, Jason is feeling a bit under the weather and pops one of Lafayette's pills, and son, do we not remember last time with the boner that ended all boners? No time, because WARLOW. We all race around in the yard like morons for a minute, and Warlow gets away. Nial is going out to find Warlow, and Jason doesn't get to go because he is concussed and stupid in roughly equal amounts.
*Eric is back with Willa, and Pam and Tara are less than impressed with him. Pam wants to kill her, Tara wants to glamour her and send her home, because Tara is less mean than Pam. Eric would like everybody to stop arguing and pack their stuff so they can leave. Willa wants to help, and doesn't need to be glamoured. Not sure if trust. Not sure if hot. But Eric wants to find "camp", so I guess we're stuck with this chick for now. I, however, will need to see boobs before forming a solid opinion.
*Some heinous psycho in a lab coat is tormenting Steve Newlin, who is the newest visitor to vamp camp.
*Pam is sad about Fangtasia, Eric pretends he isn't, and we don't buy it. About to leave Fangtasia, Pam once again suggests killing Willa, Eric says no.
*Sam and Lala wake up in Sam's trailer, the hipster activist wannabe's helped them inside. Big Hair Chick ("Nicole") is actually an okay lady. The other guy, howevs, is a douche. Whatever the plan is, Lafayette is going to help, whether Sam likes it or not, and that's because Sam has always been cool to Lafayette, and Lala loves him.
*Eric is at Ginger's gross, skanky door. She's excited to the point of being all drippy downstairs, but here are Tara and Pam to ruin everything, and Ginger is disappointed that she and Eric will not be "fuckin" on this occasion, though Eric promises her they will one day. I so badly don't want to see that. They're all going to ground, and no, the vamps will not be sleeping all together and leaving Willa outside, she will be staying with Eric because Eric doesn't trust Pam not to kill her. Neither do I, truth be told. Ginger, take Pam and Tara to your underground lair (ew. Not a euphemism).
*Bill is convinced he should try daywalking, because, you know, that worked in his hallucination, and Sookie couldn't stake him so clearly he's immortal, or somesuch shit like that. Jessica realises that this would be the definition of going full retard, and one should never go full retard. She begs him not to do it because he's her world, her father, her maker, her friend and OMG ALL THE FEELS LET ME SHOW YOU THEM. Bill has an ass that is dumb, however, so he has a lash at it anyway. And bursts into flames. Because of his ass, and how dumb it is. He staggers inside, Jessica smothers him with a blanket and then wails over her crispy-bacon maker.
*Nial is doing some supernatural version of CSI and finding fairy forensic clues at Club Fae. The spilled blood is all purple and glowy, and here's some pretty little fae boy near death and thinking stuff at Nial. Some awful vamp did all this, so wow, thanks Warlow, you suck. Nial mercy-kills the fae boy.
*Sookie brings Jason some juice and wants to hospitalise him. He refuses, and tells her he's actually better than he was, because a couple of days ago he was hallucinating racist shit and seeing his dead parents. He wants Sookie to press on the pressure points in his hands to help his headache. She complies, but then gently advises him that maybe Mama and Daddy weren't quite as perfect as they thought.
*Kevin! Hey Kevin! He and Andy talk about his vampire dry-cleaner, so that's hysterical. Andy has put Holly and her kids in a hotel to protect them from hungry vamps, but it's not really working and O HAI FAIRY TWEENS. Bahahahaha Andy hasn't named them yet, he's just using numbers.
*Rikki is here to warn Alcide and Martha that the cops are here for Emma, and why Rikki is not naked is beyond me. There's far too much t-shirt and nowhere near enough titty in this scene for my liking. Sorry to be a frat boy about it, but there it is, y'know? Martha has emphysema, hee. Rikki is mean to Emma and scares her into shifting. I'm hoping that was a last resort, because Rikki is hotter than the hinges of hell, but there's no need for that. Cops search the house, nothing but Rikki holding a puppy. The puppy is wearing clothes, Martha and Rikki snark at each other, Alcide overrules Rikki, and hello there, owl on the hill.
*Andy is teaching Holly to shoot, and she sucks. The faetweens are giggly and annoying, they're using their "hand-lasers" as Andy calls them, to zap frogs, which is distracting. Andy has brought Holly to Fort Bellfleur because it's a safe place and awww.
*Willa wants to jump Eric's cold, dead bones, She's trying to put the moves on him, and it's not working per se, but he's closer to trusting her than not. She tries to taste one of his blood tears (he has the bleeds because its daytime), but Eric puts a stop to that because I guess he just doesn't like fun, or something.
*Benlow (that's Ben/Warlow for those of you playing along at home) meets up with Nial and pretends to ask for directions. Nial buys into this shit and they shoot the shit about Warlow, Sookie, and the general state of suckitude of things in the world.
*Bill decides to "run errands" and won't let Jessica help because there's a vampire curfew and he can't risk her getting caught. She argues and wins because she's awesome, so Bill asks her to dress like a slutty schoolgirl to impress some science guy. Said science guy is required because he's the dude who did the blood synthesis-y thing that made Trublood possible. Jessica gets her Lolita on, and science guy almost jizzes in his chinos.
*Steve Newlin is pale and gross. Sarah Newlin has the biggest, most Southern, beauty pageant queen hair that anyone has ever had. He wants her help to escape, she wants him to fuck himself deeply, in the ear, thrice. Because this is vamp camp, and he will be hanging out for the time being. Here's psycho lab coat guy with some torture devices.
*Professor science guy is only just containing his boner as Jessica bats her eyelashes and flaunts her cleavage at him. She grabs him and that would be gingerbaby = 1, scienceskeeze = 0.
*Bill is at Sookie's house, she doesn't want to let him in, and wow he's a jerk to the nth degree. He just kind of busts into the house because he doesn't need an invite now that he's Lillith but not. Bill gives Jason his second concussion of the day, because he wants Sookie's blood so he can synthesise it. He's a jackass about it too, and Sookie doesn't want to play anymore. He gets all "you're dead to me now Sookie", which suits her just fine. Bill leaves, letting Jason fall down the stairs as he does so.
*Hipster activist kids have night vision thingies as they approach a bonfire in a wolf yard party. They're trying to sell their schtick to the wolves, who are all kinds of not into it. Alcide is meaner and mean, and Rikki is not helping, she's wolfing and so are some of the others. Alcide issues the stand down, but that works like not at all, and the owl on the hill is suddenly naked!Sam here to re-kidnap Emma. The Rikkiwolf has gouged Nicole's leg, the Alcidewolf stops her from finishing the job, some jeans suddenly materialise themselves around Sam's arse, and off we go to help this Nicole chick and her dumb butt.
*Ginger answers Eric's phone because she's stupid, but Eric understands that. He wants Tara to tape Willa's mouth shut, Tara Does Not Want, but Tara does not get to Not Want, because Eric is her granddaddy, and as such, Tara will do what she is told. Pam, however, slaps Willa's face playfully because she would rather enjoy taping some mouths shut. The Gov is on the phone, and is all ZOMG you have my daughter. Hee, Eric's phone is untraceable! His phone is untraceable Nora! Eric taunts Truman a bit, Tara believes that he really will kill Willa, and is back to Not Wanting. The Gov caves, he'll do whatever Eric wants, so Eric will give Willa back to him. They go to get her, but Tara has a dumber butt than anyone else in this episode, because she's grabbed Willa and hightailed it. Eric glamours Ginger into stalling the Gov while he deals with this colossal shitstorm.
*Nial has some glowy blood to show Jason and Sookie, and here's Benlow for good measure. I lost interest in this scene, so Sookie's sweeping up the plate Bill broke and I'm not quite sure what's happening. I literally cannot make myself pay attention to this scene. She and Benlow can feel each other listening in on their thoughts, or something. Nial gets all twitchy because Warlow is apparently back, and YEAH HE IS, except, not really, because it's Nora. Jason cops another concussion.
*Andy accosts Bill (whom he still calls "Vampire Bill") in the cemetary. He's all, sorry to do this, great-x5-uncle-vampire-Bill, but curfew, y'know? Bill smells fae on a stuffed dog in Andy's car and is all congrats on your new litter of kids when can I eat them? He walks away with a smile of immense creepitude on his face. Credits.