True Blood DoubleThoughts: episodes 10 and 11
So, okay. I had a horrendously busy week what with, you know, life and everything, so that combined with the fact that episode 10 was another one that just didn't wow me meant that the Thoughts were delayed. But now I have the day off work, I've decided to take a break from my diet and exercise plan, and so I'll now do a double rewatch whilst consuming chocolate crepes, brioche, and iced coffee. Aw yeah.
EPISODE 10
*Previouslies. Yeah, we know this already.
*News story about TruBlood factories being bombed. Yeah, thanks a lot, Bill. Vamps are killing more humans to compensate, but here's Steve Newlin blowharding about how everything is all lovely. Sookie turns off the TV all "Oh, shut up!" and girl, I feel you.
*She has a gun, who gave her that again? Is that the same one Terry gave her back in season one? But here's Mike Spencer at the door and he's a vampire, and he's gross. Sookie stakes him with her take-out chopsticks as he's chowing on her thigh, and dear lord, will that house ever stay clean?
*Look, here's the thing - I know this show has a large ensemble cast and sometimes they have to thin the herd, but could they maybe stop killing off the characters who still have Awesomeness Potential? Mike was so squicky and hilarious.
*Heres a couple of those Eurotrash bouncer guys in berets escorting Molly in to face the authority. She's all decked out in handcuffs, a bra and an iStake, and to all those people saying Tina Majorino or however the fuck you spell it has a rocking body, yeah, no. I mean, she's cute as hell and I want to pick her up and put her in my pocket and keep her, don't get me wrong. But she has the figure of a preteen. Once again, however, the character's Awesomeness Potential should have been taken into account.
*Russell can't wait for some good ol' fashioned staking. Salome gives Molly a chance to change her mind, but as Bill says, they have to kill her anyway because she compromised their security. Rosalyn says they should put her out of her misery, and that seems unusually kind of her. Kibwe is totally mean and all "you're not worth converting", which, hi, ASSHOLE. Dude, you're not even sort of hot anymore, despite that fierce jacket thingy you're wearing. Molly is perfection and badassery as she tells them all to get fucked and that being a jerkwad in the name of a book that was written thousands of years ago is the opposite of evolved, and we all see whut they did thar but we love it anyway.
*Bill blesses Molly in the name of Lillith then iStakes her. Steve almost has an orgasm in his pants but Salome decides it's time for a prayer circle. Russell is all mmkay, no, TAKEOUT. He pisses Salome off by taking Steve out to hunt humans. He's in the mood for Greek, so even before we get there we know we're hitting a frat house.
*Maxine is being awful as she drives Hoyt home from the hospital. Hee, she doesn't approve of California. She still thinks she can tell Hoyt what to do, and he's not into it. He wants to move to Alaska and start over. I don't like the kid, but he has a point.
*This little Ann Rice looking motherfucker ("Elijah" apparently, not Mac as I thought I'd read somewhere) is appropriating all of Fangtasia's nightly takings as Pam raises an eyebrow at the fact that he can count past five. I love Pam. Pam, gimme your jacket girl. I'm starting to like Elijah and his bitchiness, all "yeah, you and Blockbuster video". Tara snarks that Pam isn't paying her employees, which, hee. She totally wouldn't. Elijah thinks the vampire equivalent of glory holes might be a way to boost business, but Pam is not on board. Hang on, wasn't she a hooker in a past life? You'd think she'd have already looked into things of that nature. Anyhoo, now he's all "you must make new vamps, k thx, or I gets all ya stuff!" and that includes Tara. Neither of them will be having with that, thanks.
*Andy is sifting through all the Mike!Goo and OMG I love this scene. He and Sookie try to talk nice about Mike, but then devolve into a girly dish session about how gross he was.
*Bill is futzing around with that blood vial thingy again, and here's Skarsgaard in a tank top all tall and muscular and whatnot and excuse me while I rewind. Bill is doing his best to keep Eric alive, some of the other authority members wanted to kill him straight away. Eric wants to know why Bill cares, and Bill, ever-loyal, says that Eric saved his life and now he owes him. See, Bill really does think he's doing the right thing here. He thinks Eric needs to chat up Lillith again, so he and Nora force Eric to do another shot of vintage vamp juice. Nora goes along for the ride.
*Bill watches on the plasma as Nora and Eric's eyes glass over and Lillith appears out of nowhere and WAIT THAT'S NOT LILLITH IT'S GODRIC! Nora has a serious WTF moment and tries to talk Lillith up to her Dad. Eric is all, soz, I tried my best, YOUR TURN. Now here's Lillith all naked and murdery tearing Godric's neck open and relieving him of his head. Nora screams and Eric cries like a bitch, and I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that *whispers* psst, guys, your maker was ALREADY DEAD, and not like you guys are already dead, but already really, really dead.
*Russell and Steve are slowdancing to Katy Perry in the middle of a frathouse bloodbath. This scene is ludicrous, and basically the reason I love this show. "Teenage Dream" is so appropriate for Steve's boycrush on Russell.
*Merlotte's. Some asswipe wants to kill Jessica, but Sam and Lafayette (who looks fabulous in his pink shirt and rainbow wristbands) cannot be having with that and are all *shotgun*. Jessica terrorises the rednecks for a minute, then lets them go. Hee, Lala wants them to take thier fries to go and one redneck spills them. Jason catches a wayward fry on his way in to chat to Jessica. She has no guards because Bill stopped paying them, but that's okay because she was just about to eat them. Turns out they're both here to meet someone, and oh look, it's Hoyt Fuck-knuckle Fortenberry.
*Pam thinks her customers are lame and doesn't want to turn any of them. Tara decides she'll turn two because she always wanted kids, and Pam's like UH, NO. Tara gets the sads for a minute as she thinks that means Pam is going to let Elijah have Fangtasia, and, you know, her. Pam puts the kibosh on that and says Elijah can have the bar, because what the hell is it worth at this point anyway. She doesn't say it, but there's no way she'll let Elijah take her vampbaby. They will both live in the wind, and Pam calls Elijah a dickhead dipped in afterbirth, and that's creative even for her. She's a bit teary as she contemplates giving up Fangtasia, and that's kind of sad because she built the place with Eric so it obviously means a lot to her.
*Jess and Jason are like Alaska wtf. Hoyt is a giant manchild as he asks Jessica to glamour the memory of her and Jason out of him. Okay, I know he used to love her and that Jason was his BFF. But he and Jessica had broken up, for fuck's sake, and he really needs to be a grown up and deal with the fact that breaking up with his girlfriend is not the end of the world. The dude is 29. And Jessica was a single girl, she didn't do anything wrong. As Hoyt's best bud, Jason should have realised that exes were off limits, and Jess probably should have succumbed to the "other fish in the sea" theory too, but neither of them deserve Hoyts' particular level of dicketry. She's lovely as she glamours him with way more kindness than the buttsmear deserves, and I hate to see her cry over said buttsmear again. Jess and Jason leave sadly, and I hate Hoyt for being crueler to them than they ever were to him.
*Jason is sitting around not helping as Sookie is packing stuff to go stay with him. All the corpses and whatnot in her house and only now does she want out? Damn. LOL, Jason looks under the skirt of a teddy bear. He wants to know more about what Gran said, and Sookie is less than good at detective work. I'm with Jason on this one, wouldn't you check some shit out before admitting defeat? He finds a scroll in a box under the floorboards, but they can't understand it because it's all Walk Like An Egyptian or somesuch shit.
*Sam is trying to scam some authority chick over the phone to get information on Emma. Luna is losing her shit because they're getting nowhere and Sam's vampire friends are no help - exactly which friends is she referring to? Because Bill and Eric aren't on the scene right now, Jessica is too young to be useful, and as far as we know he hasn't tried to approach Tara and Pam. They decide to hit New Orleans and take Russell on themselves.
*Sookie and Jason are at the university trying to get some answers on the scroll, but the professor they talk to is more interested in discussing his ex wife's habit of naming her toes. I want to name my toes.
*Holly has arranged for Lafayette to make dinner for them. Andy declares his love for Lafayette, and Andy can take a damn number and get in line, k thx.
*Jessica is all sad remembering how nice Hoyt was before he became a total feminine cleansing wash one might use on a Summer's Eve and the bag it came in. But hey, here's Bill's entourage all kidnappy and bossy, but Bill's on the security chick's iPhone video commanding Jess to go with them.
*Hey, it's Duke! Boyfriend, you're still SO not a duke. Steve is all silly and unconvincing during this interview. Russell is cuddling the Emmapup and saying how handsome Steve is, is he not? Kibwe is all, um, kay sure. Hey, Eric has switched sides, yay for the authority, PRAISE LILLITH! I mean, not really, because we know Eric is too smart for this shit, but Russell and all the others are buying it, especially as Eric pretends to forgive Russell for nomming on his parents and baby sister back in viking times.
*Sam and Luna nakedly enter Steve's dressing room after shifting out of mouse form. They shift back as Rosalyn and Steve come in praising last night's Greek take-out.
*Jason and Sookie are in the squad car. Jason hits the lights and sirens so he can pull Hoyt over. Jessica has done a damn good glamouring job, because he talks amiably to Jason like a stranger. Jason tries, once again, to talk him out of going. Hoyt thinks it's a trick designed by his mother, and he's still going to Alaska. Jason accepts it at last, and lets him go. He goes back the the cruiser and cries in Sookie's arms and it is many, many kinds of sad.
*Jessica is so pouty and cute as the guards bring her to Bill, but he's all O HAI PROGENY *hugs*. He shows her around, but she's not feeling the historical tour because Bill is starting to sound all religious and manic like her real daddy used to, and she's just not keen to go back to that. He makes her read the book anyway, but at least he's still treating her nicely this episode, all smiles and "come on princess, daddy will show you to your room." Still, I've seen the next episode, and my hatred levels are rising in anticipation.
*Tara is all dramatic and panicky as she leads Elijah into the club. She's tried to turn Ginger and has possibly killed her because Pam didn't know anything about this and didn't teach her how to turn humans without kiling them and Tara doesn't know anything about birthing no baby vampires! Oh, and also, she's lying. Elijah is in mardi gras beads and lace fingerless gloves, which adds to his Awesomeness Potential, but here goes Ginger stabbing him and Tara relieving him of his head because THEY ARE NOT FUCKING RUNNING. Ginger screams like a screaming thing and Pam is all WTF. Tara says that noone is to fuck with them in their house, and Pam looks proud and pissed in equal amounts.
*Steve's back and the reception vamp is all, um, about your Emmapup, she's a lot more Emma and a lot less Pup than she used to be. He's super mean to his pet and makes her cry. Two little white mice run by.
*Russell is hilarity plus as he bitches about how boring it is to discuss education reform. He wants them all to go out and nom on some fairies, then do science stuff to fae blood to extend their daywalking abilities. He's got a point, if the Japanese can make fake blood, they should be able to harness the power of fae blood. The other vamps are all, "erm, remember Lillith? She's all about us being vampires, and being vampires means NO DAYTIME HIJINKS." They think fairies are an abomination and Russell is all *sulk* YOU'RE an abomination and flounces out of the room after throwing Salome against the wall and threatening them in his hokey German accent.
*The other vamps look wigged, Jessica is all scared and whimpery and I kind of want to cuddle her, and Nora seems to think that now might be an appropriate time to jump ship.
*Sookie and Jason are at Club Fae to get Claude and Claudija's help with the scroll. They pout Britishly over it before deciding to let a very pregnant Maurella at it. I love Maurella's eyelashes and I totes have that bracelet. Claude bitches about Claudija's age behind her back. Maurella does some light-zappy-finger-thingy at the parchment. The contract is between some oldschool Stackhouse ancestor and Warlow - Sookie was signed over decades before her birth, and is legally vamp property. Credits.
*THINGS THAT DO NOT STRICTLY RELATE TO THIS EPISODE, BUT IN SOME WAY SORT OF DO.
- There was no Terry and Arlene in this one. However, they were in the last one and I totes didn't talk about it because I forgot because I R SMARTZ SUMTIEMS. She was badass and Terry stepped up to the fucking plate and Patrick got dead and the ifrite was reigned in and Zafira backed the fuck off, and I'm glad they're all okay now, and I'm superglad that Arlene didn't have to shoot Patrick for Terry because that would have fucked her up but good, and I'm sad that now Terry has something else to be all fucked up over.
- There was no Alcide in this episode. What the fuck. It's a good thing I saw "Magic Mike" last week so I got a Manganiello fix from somewhere. And on that, if you haven't seen it, get onto that. I can take or leave Channing Tatum, but McConaughey was hilarious and OTT and actually kind of hot in an I-hate-myself-and-want-to-shower-immediately sort of way - I don't know, I think it's the accent. I'm the first to admit I'm a total whore for a pretty voice like that. And Joe? Well, he was Big Dick Ritchie and oh what I wouldn't give for that silhouette screen to have NOT been there. Dayum.
- Remember last season when Pam was all killy and tried to attack Tara but couldn't because there were rednecks with cameras? She vowed that she'd kill Tara someday and OMG TECHNICALLY SHE KIND OF DID.
- There was something else important from episode 9 that I missed and was going to discuss, but now I can't remember it so WATCH THIS SPACE, Y'ALL. OR DON'T IF YOU'RE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.
EPISODE 11
* Previously, all that stuff *points up* just happened.
*Bill is hallucinating that the blood vial is talking to him. The man lived through the sixties, you'd think he'd realise that if inanimate shit starts talking to you, you Just Say No. Lillith is here though and she's bloody and gross and needs a wax and her fangs are too long but Bill ignores her - then sees a bloody handprint on the vial's case. Ruh-roh. Credits.
*I wonder if the actors have any opinion about which image appears behind their names on the credits? Like, Deborah Ann Woll's is always that roadkill opossum, Lucy Griffiths got saddled with the clan kid, and Janina's is the rusty car in the swamp. Hee, and Allan Ball gets stripper ass.
*Nora is still skeeved by everything in general, and girl, gimme your dress. Salome sashays in and is all affectionate and she and I totally have the same hair. She seems suspicious of Nora's "nope, I'm totes fine, not having any doubts at all, here, let's make out" thing.
*Jessica is similarly skeeved and would like to borrow Bill's phone so she can warn Jason about Russell and Steve. He's not into it, but instead of pretending to be nice like last week, he's a total cunt about it. She tries to bluff him by saying she'll turn Jason, but he sees through that, hence the cuntishness. To be fair, she's a terrible liar, and she takes it one step too far with the "blessed ... by Lillith!" shtick. I really hope the writers didn't decide to make Bill as hateful as possible just to appease the few whiny fans who hated him already, but the thing is, right now I kind of hate him too. And by the end of the episode, Imma hate him even more. I'm trying to think of him the way I think of Scientologists - they do assholish things because they believe in assholish things written by assholish people, but in the end, they're victims too, and victims with power over others are dangerous. See, unlike Eric, Pam, and even Jessica, who seem (for the most part) to be happy as vampires, Bill has always been sad, confused and conflicted. Now he's been drugged and brainwashed, and, as we'll find out later in the episode, influenced by the fact that he's in a nest (which makes vampires into total cunts). I'm not defending him, because, as stated, I sort of hate him right now ... but there's blame to share here, is all I'm saying. He forces Jessica to go to Bon Temps to sire Jason, and she is not at all down.
*Eric is pacing in his room all pale and wearing that eeky red eyeliner the makeup department insist on putting on him. Here's Nora, and well, they're fucking each other instead of coming up with an actual plan, but hey. It's actually kind of hot, and if Nora's not wearing that dress anymore, I reassert my claim to it. After all it appears she'd rather wear Skarsgaard instead, and, y'know, who wouldn't.
*Sookie is a bit weepy about being official vamp property, and Jason tells her that nobody is going to sell her while he's around, and it's sort of sweet. Jason agrees that the eighties special effects mist sounds creepy, and why is Sookie losing her shit about this when she's been so calm and collected about much crazier shit for five seasons now? Hee, he will never get used to being thrown out of the invisible doors of Club Fae.
*Club Fae looks like an indoor carnival. It's silly. I want it.
*Military types have turned up at the Authority headquarters. Salome is all Pleasure to see you again General Cavanaugh but he's not buying it, especially as Bill and Eric are totes rude to him. Nora and Salome try to make nice, Rosalyn tries to bullshit him and he calls her out on it. They have video of Steve and Russell eviscerating the frat boys and he wants to talk to Roman, but OMG HI SANGUINISTAS. Cavanaugh is pissed and tells them that they are exponentially fucked if they think that this is actually going to be a thing that is happening. They try to bullshit him some more so he tells them some conspiracy theorist stuff about how they have weapons ready and waiting to take out all vampires, and have been working on this shit for like twenty years. Eric has had enough talk of black helicopters and secret societies, so he twists the guy's skull around.
*Jason rolls up to find Jessica all freaked out and scrambly because she's supposed to vamp him. She tries to nix the supervision detail, but these guards aren't as cool as the last guys who used to play gin rummy with her. She then tries to talk to Jason with her eyes and he's not getting it because he's talking relationships with her, so she bites his neck and OH NOES.
*Salome and Kibwe are like, ZOMG Eric you dick. Rosalyn is glad Cavanaugh is dead, and Salome bitches at her, and now everyone's bitching at everyone else, but it's all okay because Eric can go and glamour all the neccessary people and then the problem will be fixed, and hey, why doesn't Nora come too? Huh, okay, but take a security detail because Bill says so.
*Holy fucker, here's Jason lying in a grave with Jessica, and I confess, they got me here. I thought she vamped him for reals, and I'm glad they didn't go there, because as much as a Jason vampire would be hilarious, I just don't know how they could do that storyline and keep it fresh, y'know? I mean, we already did that with Tara - human character we've known and loved for a few years now suddenly becomes a vampire and now we watch them Adjust. Having said that, I still think Jason's in a bit of danger of SOMETHING happening to him because of later in the episode, but we'll get to that. For now, he's just going to put a coupla wooden bullets in these guards while Jessica takes a leaf out of Nora's book and has some pretty blood spatters on her face - not that blood is pretty per se, but more like Stabbing Westward cover-art makeup than the messy chin-dribble a lot of other vamps get post-nom. She warns Jason about the Russell and Steve issue and says she really wouldn't mind spending all of eternity with him, but he's got bigger things to deal with right now.
*Pam is checking the desk for Elijah bits, and she needs to gimme her dress. Tara doesn't know what the Authority are and says that they and the pope can fuck her and my god I love Tara so much it pains me. Pam commands Tara to never discuss Elijah's death again, and you may need this later. Pam seems disproportionately panicky and hey here's Jessica all teary and wanting help and Pam is not a halfway house, goddamnit. She threatens Jessica and calls her a little ginger bitch, and I thought she and Jess were at least slightly cool by now? Like, a couple of blog entries ago she was teasing Jessica about draining the trucker. Is she still pissed about Jess fighting Tara? IDK. Either way she agrees to hide Jessica from Bill and the Authority if Jessica explains what Eric's deal is right now. Tara, get a coffin out of storage.
*Eric and Nora are being driven by their security detail, and Eric kills them both at a red light. Churchy chant music as Nora drops her Authority pin to the ground and both of them fly away. That's really kind of sweet, she's the only vampire besides him (oh, and Russell, but whatever) who we've seen fly, it's like Godric taught both his kids the same trick when they were younger and I love it.
*It's almost dawn so the Authority vamps are going to ground. Sam, Luna, and Luna's boobs take the opprotunity to look around for Emma.
*The fairies take Sookie to meet the Elder, and warn Sookie that said Elder is about as reliable as a Phish fan. The fairies are all dressed in these bright jewel tones, which really works on most of them, but is not really Sookie's best look. I'm loving Maurella's eyeshadow, but now here's the Elder, dancing like some stoned out peacenik chick at a drum circle, but she has fabulous hair and needs to give me her necklace. She'd like to know if Sookie is for or against Ke$ha but Sookie isn't a fan, and it really would be kind of sad if Ke$ha was some kind of poet because her spelling is atrocious and I love the Elder, but her and I are both getting off topic here. Yes, the Elder did know Sookie's great^15 grandfather, he was handsome and kind of a creep. Is Sookie for or against John Cougar Melloncamp? Aw, against? Sookie, that Hurts So Good. Hee, the Elder sort of calls Sookie a slut, and she's offended, and it's hilarious, and everyone's destiny is entwined. I'm thinking because Russell is Warlow, because Andy is Bill's descendent and is now babydaddy to a fairy, and somesuch nonsense. But it is forbidden to speak of such things, apparently.
*Hey, the Elder should probably give me her wristcuff too. Sookie is for Boyz 2 Men? Gah. Why. Jason's back to warn Sookie and the fairies are all WTF, Russell is alive?!?!? O FUCK.
*Here we are at Merlottes and Holly is basically the most adorable person alive. She's all teeth and big sparkly eyes and hilarity and sweetness - she's basically Donkey from the Shrek movies in human form. She's got her kids here to apologise to Andy, and while Wade seems like a nice kid, Rocky is a little punk, and nice job on the WT names Holly. Andy tries a little too hard to be a cool stepdad, and Rocky sort of goes for it if only to shut his mother up, but hey, it's something.
*O HAI THERE ALCIDE WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT IMMA BE PAUSING THIS AND STARING AT THE SCREEN FOR A LIL BIT, DON'T MIND ME Y'ALL. He's out in the yard of his pop's trailer using a hoe, and I have a couple of jokes i could make there, but I'll let them go because I'm a sophisticated grown up, lol. Some guy turns up to warn Alcide and his dad about all the babyvamp attacks in the area, but Alcide's Dad is all, MEH, I HAZ SILVER FENCE, I R SAFES. This guy is like, whatevs, just trying to be nice, not that you deserve it Herveaux because in case you forgot, YOU SUCK. Apparently Daddy!Herveaux stole a buttload of money from his pack back in the day, so they abjured him. Alcide calls him out on it, and kind of sees what being a lone wolf can do to a man, so he starts hoeing again, and hee, I am a child.
*The fairies are all babbling about wtf they're going to do, but Sookie wants them all to fight with her. The Elder is all for it, and Sookie is glad to have an ally, even if she is batshit crazy.
*Here's where I start getting worried for Jason's safety, because this scene is done in such a way that makes it look like a goodbye. Sookie looks like a little girl in her pink dress, watching her big brother run off to football practise, and it seems so reminiscent of their childhood that I can't help but think something less than awesome is going to happen to Jason soon. They both say they love each other and hug before Jason runs off.
*Aw, Terry is all happy and snuggly with Arlene, and Andy is glad to see them both back on top of their game. Lafayette turns up for his one damn line of the episode (hmph) to declare that he is "a bitch, not a snitch. LOVE IT," and prance out in his gorgeous purple top. Andy wants to know the secret of a good relationship, so Arlene tells him a bunch of stuff about trust and whatnot, but O CRAP here's Maurella looking pregnant-er than ever, and Arlene is Arlene-ing about OMG ANDY DID YOU PUT THAT BUN IN HER OVEN??? Hee, Maurella called him Andrew.
*Andy is like, ZOMG BETCH YOU ARE NOT GOUGING ME FOR FAE CHILD SUPPORT and she's all, um, yeah, hi, you swore on the light, dude, so SNAP. Andy seems to think swearing on the light is kind of like when iTunes sends you a new batch of Terms & Conditions - you don't actually give a fuck at the time, you just agree to get what you want but then all of a sudden you're part of a human centipede and I should stop watching South Park.
*Jess, Tara and Pam are in the back room of Fangtasia and Pam is telling them about what ass-wads vampires become in nests, and how from the sound of it, sharing Lilliths blood has made the Authority vamps even worse than usual. That's probably good for Jessica to hear, that Bill isn't himself right now, because seeing him be such a jackhole to her has to hurt. Nope, Pam's never done the nest thing, she finds most vampires as irritating as most humans. Whoever did Pam's makeup this week got her blush all lopsided. Tara's eyeshadow, however, is almost as awesome as Maurella's. Pam snarks about having a sleepover with the babyvamps and then eyerolls out.
*Jessica is all, so, she's fun, and Tara is like *eyeshift mumble* yeah I guess, I don't know, YOU'RE FUN, stop talking to me, I haven't really thought about it, SUBJECT CHANGE PLZ. Jess is like, hee, you haz girlcrush? At which point Tara gets all scrambly and OMG she totally does, and she says that her and Pam is never going to happen which means it totally WILL happen, and Santa I have been such a good girl this year. Jessica says she doesn't really know that many people "of the gay persuasion", and, just to be clear, doesn't she know exactly one? Being Lafayette? Because, see, I think we've pretty much established by now that most of the vampires are bisexual, or globalsexual, or as-long-as-it-ends-in-blood-and-an-orgasm-I-don't-give-a-fuck-sexual. Not that it matters, I'm just saying, is all. Oh, wait, there was Jesus too, so two. But again, whatevs.
*Aw, this is sad. Jessica likes talking to Tara because she has no friends. And I guess right now she really kind of doesn't, what with Bill crossing over to the dark side. I cry a little bit as she says it doesn't matter if Tara beats her up, she still likes her, and how does Tara not melt into a pool of pity and cuddle the poor litlte gingervamp right now? She does, however, promise to bring Jessica a fangbanger later, and Jessica should give me her t-shirt.
*Back out in the bar, Pam is sitting in Eric's throne watching her pretty little progeny, and Tara is pouring a drink and watching her hotter-than-the-hinges-of-hell maker, and I need them naked together like YESTERDAY, but hey, here's Rosalyn all whut whut where's the sherriff he's one of my 204 kids, like Octomom eat THAT. Tara spins some bullshit about how Elijah collected his Benjamins and split, but Rosalyn can smell his blood and now would like some of Tara's so as to call it square. She asks Tara if she killed Elijah, but Pam jumps in and confesses - she killed Elijah because he was getting on her nerves. Rosalyn snaps her fingers and has Pam surrounded by beret-wearing guys, and Pam is under arrest, and I will have that dress also. When I first watched this I was all "damn Tara, way to step up for your maker/ladycrush, don't let her take the rap for you!" but then I realised - Tara can't tell the truth and save Pam, because she was commanded not to talk about Elijah. She has no choice but to let them take her maker, and I guess it kind of is her choice but she should also consider giving me her jacket. Oh, and Rosalyn has sniffed Jessica out too, and is gonna take her home to Daddy. Babyvamp in TROUBLE.
*The blood vial is talking to Bill again, and hey, I like those curtains around his bed. Or Salome's bed, or Roman's bed, or whoever's bed it is. Lilith has Chosen Bill and wants him to drink her blood, so, okay.
*Sad!Wolf trailer. Daddy Herveaux yells at some sport guys on TV while Alcide nukes some Campbell's Vegetable Beef soup, and I can tell you right now that no man with a body like his goes around eating sodium-filled crap like that, but okay. Commotion - there are some babyvamps futzing around by the fence, they can't breach it so they try for the neighbours. Papa says they're not their problem anymore, but Alcide sucks a lot less than his dad so he decides to go all Buffy/Blade on the babyvamps asses.
*Jason is pacing out on the porch with a gun, but here's Russell and Steve. Bahahahahaha Russell met Jesus, "he was a boring hippie who stank of patchouli". Y'know, through years of Catholic school, I always suspected as much. Jesus and I would totally have been buds - it's his entourage that pisses me off. His groupies need to die in a fire, but the man and I could totally listen to some Cat Stevens and bake organic brownies together. But for now, Russell is going to glamour Jason into taking them to Club Fae.
*Babyvamp chaos at the trailerpark. Alcide is all "SHOTGUN MOTHERFUCKERS!" These babyvamps are so green they don't even realise that the true death means gooey grossness. Alcide kills one, nearly gets his vains drained, but then Papa decides to tear himself away from the penalty replays or whatever the fuck and do some shotgunning of his own. Alcide's hair is all snarfy.
*Mice in the Authority are suddenly naked people, and have Sam Trammell and Janina Gavankar actually needed to hit the wardrobe department all season? The Emmapup is locked up with a group of naked humans who are obviously set to be Authority chow, so this cage is basically like a vampire's pantry, and if Emma makes it out of this alive, that kid will be in therapy forever. Ruh-roh, busted by vamp guards. Luna is imprisoned, Sam talks them into letting him be Bill's next meal.
*It seems that Lillith is kind of a slut when it comes to Choosing people, because she's just Chosen Kibwe. Bill cannot be having with that, and liberates his head from his body. That water feature has stayed clean about as long as Sookie's Gran's carpet.
*Pam and Jessica are brought in by Rosalyn and the bouncers. Hee, Rosalyn is leading Jessica by her ear. Pam's figure is DAYUM. Her and Sam see each other in the hall and are both like DA FUQ? and Sam shouts at her to help Luna, but of course, Pam doesn't have the first clue who Luna is.
*Uh-oh. Dad's mad. Jessica disobeyed and this is where I start to hate Bill as much as the rest of the fandom hates Bill. She tries to pull the Longshadow card on him, and he really has no answer for that, except for to be a total buttwad, of course. Then he loses me as his champion as he HITS HIS BABY IN THE FACE and I want to punch him in the jeans.
*Lilith is Choose-Slutting again, and now she wants Salome.
*Jason has led the boys to the Field of Fae, and Steve is in the back of the cruiser knocking on the windown all "baby, lemme out!", and , hee. Now they're both stoned on the scent of fairies, and Jason is just standing there looking dumber than usual. The fairies are all, um, Elder, honey, IT'S LOOKING LIKE NOW. She says she's all over it, and goes out there to allow shit to get real. She zaps Steve, and like Sookie, I really enjoy watching that. She tries to get Russell, but he's too quick and drags Jason in front of him as the Elder tries to banish Russell "into the realms and beyond", so Jason gets the microwave blast instead. Luckily the realms don't seem to go beyond that big-ass oak tree, but at the very least, Jason took a hell of a wallop, so I'm wondering what next episode holds for his general wellbeing. The fae all stand there uselessly while Russell eats the Elder, and I don't know if it's because of the six pints of fairy blood he just ingested, or because the magic keeping the club invisible died along with the Elder, but now Russell can see them, and shit is about to get very, very real. Credits.
Mmkay, going to try to find the promo, Jess' blog and inside the episode:
- The promo is sort of a clusterfuck of non-information, just everyone versus everyone else, kind of thing. One interesting part, however, is Eric looking kind of like he's trying to reason with Bill, as opposed to shanking the motherfucker. I'm hoping it works and that Bill snaps the fuck out of it. Also, Mr Compton, Chancellor Compton, Your Highness, Whatever The Fuck Your Title Is These Days, you are hereby officially on notice. You have been a jackwad, and you have smacked your babyvamp in the face. I am going to need you to spend a minimum of three episodes in season 6 doing nothing but cuddling her, acquiring attractive donor humans for her to feed on, buying her expensive dresses and shoes, and grovelling in humblest apology for being no better than her awful human father.
- As for Inside The Episode, apparently Lillith has an endgame - she's pitting all the chancellors against each other so that they'll kill each other and she'll be left with the strongest one to do her bidding. My money is on Salome, because Bill will come to his fool senses. I mean, Salome and Lilith will both bite it, of course, but whatever.
- No new revelations from Jessica's blog, it's a text entry instead of a video. Babyvamp was lonely in the Fangtasia basement, we knew this already.
EPISODE 10
*Previouslies. Yeah, we know this already.
*News story about TruBlood factories being bombed. Yeah, thanks a lot, Bill. Vamps are killing more humans to compensate, but here's Steve Newlin blowharding about how everything is all lovely. Sookie turns off the TV all "Oh, shut up!" and girl, I feel you.
*She has a gun, who gave her that again? Is that the same one Terry gave her back in season one? But here's Mike Spencer at the door and he's a vampire, and he's gross. Sookie stakes him with her take-out chopsticks as he's chowing on her thigh, and dear lord, will that house ever stay clean?
*Look, here's the thing - I know this show has a large ensemble cast and sometimes they have to thin the herd, but could they maybe stop killing off the characters who still have Awesomeness Potential? Mike was so squicky and hilarious.
*Heres a couple of those Eurotrash bouncer guys in berets escorting Molly in to face the authority. She's all decked out in handcuffs, a bra and an iStake, and to all those people saying Tina Majorino or however the fuck you spell it has a rocking body, yeah, no. I mean, she's cute as hell and I want to pick her up and put her in my pocket and keep her, don't get me wrong. But she has the figure of a preteen. Once again, however, the character's Awesomeness Potential should have been taken into account.
*Russell can't wait for some good ol' fashioned staking. Salome gives Molly a chance to change her mind, but as Bill says, they have to kill her anyway because she compromised their security. Rosalyn says they should put her out of her misery, and that seems unusually kind of her. Kibwe is totally mean and all "you're not worth converting", which, hi, ASSHOLE. Dude, you're not even sort of hot anymore, despite that fierce jacket thingy you're wearing. Molly is perfection and badassery as she tells them all to get fucked and that being a jerkwad in the name of a book that was written thousands of years ago is the opposite of evolved, and we all see whut they did thar but we love it anyway.
*Bill blesses Molly in the name of Lillith then iStakes her. Steve almost has an orgasm in his pants but Salome decides it's time for a prayer circle. Russell is all mmkay, no, TAKEOUT. He pisses Salome off by taking Steve out to hunt humans. He's in the mood for Greek, so even before we get there we know we're hitting a frat house.
*Maxine is being awful as she drives Hoyt home from the hospital. Hee, she doesn't approve of California. She still thinks she can tell Hoyt what to do, and he's not into it. He wants to move to Alaska and start over. I don't like the kid, but he has a point.
*This little Ann Rice looking motherfucker ("Elijah" apparently, not Mac as I thought I'd read somewhere) is appropriating all of Fangtasia's nightly takings as Pam raises an eyebrow at the fact that he can count past five. I love Pam. Pam, gimme your jacket girl. I'm starting to like Elijah and his bitchiness, all "yeah, you and Blockbuster video". Tara snarks that Pam isn't paying her employees, which, hee. She totally wouldn't. Elijah thinks the vampire equivalent of glory holes might be a way to boost business, but Pam is not on board. Hang on, wasn't she a hooker in a past life? You'd think she'd have already looked into things of that nature. Anyhoo, now he's all "you must make new vamps, k thx, or I gets all ya stuff!" and that includes Tara. Neither of them will be having with that, thanks.
*Andy is sifting through all the Mike!Goo and OMG I love this scene. He and Sookie try to talk nice about Mike, but then devolve into a girly dish session about how gross he was.
*Bill is futzing around with that blood vial thingy again, and here's Skarsgaard in a tank top all tall and muscular and whatnot and excuse me while I rewind. Bill is doing his best to keep Eric alive, some of the other authority members wanted to kill him straight away. Eric wants to know why Bill cares, and Bill, ever-loyal, says that Eric saved his life and now he owes him. See, Bill really does think he's doing the right thing here. He thinks Eric needs to chat up Lillith again, so he and Nora force Eric to do another shot of vintage vamp juice. Nora goes along for the ride.
*Bill watches on the plasma as Nora and Eric's eyes glass over and Lillith appears out of nowhere and WAIT THAT'S NOT LILLITH IT'S GODRIC! Nora has a serious WTF moment and tries to talk Lillith up to her Dad. Eric is all, soz, I tried my best, YOUR TURN. Now here's Lillith all naked and murdery tearing Godric's neck open and relieving him of his head. Nora screams and Eric cries like a bitch, and I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that *whispers* psst, guys, your maker was ALREADY DEAD, and not like you guys are already dead, but already really, really dead.
*Russell and Steve are slowdancing to Katy Perry in the middle of a frathouse bloodbath. This scene is ludicrous, and basically the reason I love this show. "Teenage Dream" is so appropriate for Steve's boycrush on Russell.
*Merlotte's. Some asswipe wants to kill Jessica, but Sam and Lafayette (who looks fabulous in his pink shirt and rainbow wristbands) cannot be having with that and are all *shotgun*. Jessica terrorises the rednecks for a minute, then lets them go. Hee, Lala wants them to take thier fries to go and one redneck spills them. Jason catches a wayward fry on his way in to chat to Jessica. She has no guards because Bill stopped paying them, but that's okay because she was just about to eat them. Turns out they're both here to meet someone, and oh look, it's Hoyt Fuck-knuckle Fortenberry.
*Pam thinks her customers are lame and doesn't want to turn any of them. Tara decides she'll turn two because she always wanted kids, and Pam's like UH, NO. Tara gets the sads for a minute as she thinks that means Pam is going to let Elijah have Fangtasia, and, you know, her. Pam puts the kibosh on that and says Elijah can have the bar, because what the hell is it worth at this point anyway. She doesn't say it, but there's no way she'll let Elijah take her vampbaby. They will both live in the wind, and Pam calls Elijah a dickhead dipped in afterbirth, and that's creative even for her. She's a bit teary as she contemplates giving up Fangtasia, and that's kind of sad because she built the place with Eric so it obviously means a lot to her.
*Jess and Jason are like Alaska wtf. Hoyt is a giant manchild as he asks Jessica to glamour the memory of her and Jason out of him. Okay, I know he used to love her and that Jason was his BFF. But he and Jessica had broken up, for fuck's sake, and he really needs to be a grown up and deal with the fact that breaking up with his girlfriend is not the end of the world. The dude is 29. And Jessica was a single girl, she didn't do anything wrong. As Hoyt's best bud, Jason should have realised that exes were off limits, and Jess probably should have succumbed to the "other fish in the sea" theory too, but neither of them deserve Hoyts' particular level of dicketry. She's lovely as she glamours him with way more kindness than the buttsmear deserves, and I hate to see her cry over said buttsmear again. Jess and Jason leave sadly, and I hate Hoyt for being crueler to them than they ever were to him.
*Jason is sitting around not helping as Sookie is packing stuff to go stay with him. All the corpses and whatnot in her house and only now does she want out? Damn. LOL, Jason looks under the skirt of a teddy bear. He wants to know more about what Gran said, and Sookie is less than good at detective work. I'm with Jason on this one, wouldn't you check some shit out before admitting defeat? He finds a scroll in a box under the floorboards, but they can't understand it because it's all Walk Like An Egyptian or somesuch shit.
*Sam is trying to scam some authority chick over the phone to get information on Emma. Luna is losing her shit because they're getting nowhere and Sam's vampire friends are no help - exactly which friends is she referring to? Because Bill and Eric aren't on the scene right now, Jessica is too young to be useful, and as far as we know he hasn't tried to approach Tara and Pam. They decide to hit New Orleans and take Russell on themselves.
*Sookie and Jason are at the university trying to get some answers on the scroll, but the professor they talk to is more interested in discussing his ex wife's habit of naming her toes. I want to name my toes.
*Holly has arranged for Lafayette to make dinner for them. Andy declares his love for Lafayette, and Andy can take a damn number and get in line, k thx.
*Jessica is all sad remembering how nice Hoyt was before he became a total feminine cleansing wash one might use on a Summer's Eve and the bag it came in. But hey, here's Bill's entourage all kidnappy and bossy, but Bill's on the security chick's iPhone video commanding Jess to go with them.
*Hey, it's Duke! Boyfriend, you're still SO not a duke. Steve is all silly and unconvincing during this interview. Russell is cuddling the Emmapup and saying how handsome Steve is, is he not? Kibwe is all, um, kay sure. Hey, Eric has switched sides, yay for the authority, PRAISE LILLITH! I mean, not really, because we know Eric is too smart for this shit, but Russell and all the others are buying it, especially as Eric pretends to forgive Russell for nomming on his parents and baby sister back in viking times.
*Sam and Luna nakedly enter Steve's dressing room after shifting out of mouse form. They shift back as Rosalyn and Steve come in praising last night's Greek take-out.
*Jason and Sookie are in the squad car. Jason hits the lights and sirens so he can pull Hoyt over. Jessica has done a damn good glamouring job, because he talks amiably to Jason like a stranger. Jason tries, once again, to talk him out of going. Hoyt thinks it's a trick designed by his mother, and he's still going to Alaska. Jason accepts it at last, and lets him go. He goes back the the cruiser and cries in Sookie's arms and it is many, many kinds of sad.
*Jessica is so pouty and cute as the guards bring her to Bill, but he's all O HAI PROGENY *hugs*. He shows her around, but she's not feeling the historical tour because Bill is starting to sound all religious and manic like her real daddy used to, and she's just not keen to go back to that. He makes her read the book anyway, but at least he's still treating her nicely this episode, all smiles and "come on princess, daddy will show you to your room." Still, I've seen the next episode, and my hatred levels are rising in anticipation.
*Tara is all dramatic and panicky as she leads Elijah into the club. She's tried to turn Ginger and has possibly killed her because Pam didn't know anything about this and didn't teach her how to turn humans without kiling them and Tara doesn't know anything about birthing no baby vampires! Oh, and also, she's lying. Elijah is in mardi gras beads and lace fingerless gloves, which adds to his Awesomeness Potential, but here goes Ginger stabbing him and Tara relieving him of his head because THEY ARE NOT FUCKING RUNNING. Ginger screams like a screaming thing and Pam is all WTF. Tara says that noone is to fuck with them in their house, and Pam looks proud and pissed in equal amounts.
*Steve's back and the reception vamp is all, um, about your Emmapup, she's a lot more Emma and a lot less Pup than she used to be. He's super mean to his pet and makes her cry. Two little white mice run by.
*Russell is hilarity plus as he bitches about how boring it is to discuss education reform. He wants them all to go out and nom on some fairies, then do science stuff to fae blood to extend their daywalking abilities. He's got a point, if the Japanese can make fake blood, they should be able to harness the power of fae blood. The other vamps are all, "erm, remember Lillith? She's all about us being vampires, and being vampires means NO DAYTIME HIJINKS." They think fairies are an abomination and Russell is all *sulk* YOU'RE an abomination and flounces out of the room after throwing Salome against the wall and threatening them in his hokey German accent.
*The other vamps look wigged, Jessica is all scared and whimpery and I kind of want to cuddle her, and Nora seems to think that now might be an appropriate time to jump ship.
*Sookie and Jason are at Club Fae to get Claude and Claudija's help with the scroll. They pout Britishly over it before deciding to let a very pregnant Maurella at it. I love Maurella's eyelashes and I totes have that bracelet. Claude bitches about Claudija's age behind her back. Maurella does some light-zappy-finger-thingy at the parchment. The contract is between some oldschool Stackhouse ancestor and Warlow - Sookie was signed over decades before her birth, and is legally vamp property. Credits.
*THINGS THAT DO NOT STRICTLY RELATE TO THIS EPISODE, BUT IN SOME WAY SORT OF DO.
- There was no Terry and Arlene in this one. However, they were in the last one and I totes didn't talk about it because I forgot because I R SMARTZ SUMTIEMS. She was badass and Terry stepped up to the fucking plate and Patrick got dead and the ifrite was reigned in and Zafira backed the fuck off, and I'm glad they're all okay now, and I'm superglad that Arlene didn't have to shoot Patrick for Terry because that would have fucked her up but good, and I'm sad that now Terry has something else to be all fucked up over.
- There was no Alcide in this episode. What the fuck. It's a good thing I saw "Magic Mike" last week so I got a Manganiello fix from somewhere. And on that, if you haven't seen it, get onto that. I can take or leave Channing Tatum, but McConaughey was hilarious and OTT and actually kind of hot in an I-hate-myself-and-want-to-shower-immediately sort of way - I don't know, I think it's the accent. I'm the first to admit I'm a total whore for a pretty voice like that. And Joe? Well, he was Big Dick Ritchie and oh what I wouldn't give for that silhouette screen to have NOT been there. Dayum.
- Remember last season when Pam was all killy and tried to attack Tara but couldn't because there were rednecks with cameras? She vowed that she'd kill Tara someday and OMG TECHNICALLY SHE KIND OF DID.
- There was something else important from episode 9 that I missed and was going to discuss, but now I can't remember it so WATCH THIS SPACE, Y'ALL. OR DON'T IF YOU'RE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.
EPISODE 11
* Previously, all that stuff *points up* just happened.
*Bill is hallucinating that the blood vial is talking to him. The man lived through the sixties, you'd think he'd realise that if inanimate shit starts talking to you, you Just Say No. Lillith is here though and she's bloody and gross and needs a wax and her fangs are too long but Bill ignores her - then sees a bloody handprint on the vial's case. Ruh-roh. Credits.
*I wonder if the actors have any opinion about which image appears behind their names on the credits? Like, Deborah Ann Woll's is always that roadkill opossum, Lucy Griffiths got saddled with the clan kid, and Janina's is the rusty car in the swamp. Hee, and Allan Ball gets stripper ass.
*Nora is still skeeved by everything in general, and girl, gimme your dress. Salome sashays in and is all affectionate and she and I totally have the same hair. She seems suspicious of Nora's "nope, I'm totes fine, not having any doubts at all, here, let's make out" thing.
*Jessica is similarly skeeved and would like to borrow Bill's phone so she can warn Jason about Russell and Steve. He's not into it, but instead of pretending to be nice like last week, he's a total cunt about it. She tries to bluff him by saying she'll turn Jason, but he sees through that, hence the cuntishness. To be fair, she's a terrible liar, and she takes it one step too far with the "blessed ... by Lillith!" shtick. I really hope the writers didn't decide to make Bill as hateful as possible just to appease the few whiny fans who hated him already, but the thing is, right now I kind of hate him too. And by the end of the episode, Imma hate him even more. I'm trying to think of him the way I think of Scientologists - they do assholish things because they believe in assholish things written by assholish people, but in the end, they're victims too, and victims with power over others are dangerous. See, unlike Eric, Pam, and even Jessica, who seem (for the most part) to be happy as vampires, Bill has always been sad, confused and conflicted. Now he's been drugged and brainwashed, and, as we'll find out later in the episode, influenced by the fact that he's in a nest (which makes vampires into total cunts). I'm not defending him, because, as stated, I sort of hate him right now ... but there's blame to share here, is all I'm saying. He forces Jessica to go to Bon Temps to sire Jason, and she is not at all down.
*Eric is pacing in his room all pale and wearing that eeky red eyeliner the makeup department insist on putting on him. Here's Nora, and well, they're fucking each other instead of coming up with an actual plan, but hey. It's actually kind of hot, and if Nora's not wearing that dress anymore, I reassert my claim to it. After all it appears she'd rather wear Skarsgaard instead, and, y'know, who wouldn't.
*Sookie is a bit weepy about being official vamp property, and Jason tells her that nobody is going to sell her while he's around, and it's sort of sweet. Jason agrees that the eighties special effects mist sounds creepy, and why is Sookie losing her shit about this when she's been so calm and collected about much crazier shit for five seasons now? Hee, he will never get used to being thrown out of the invisible doors of Club Fae.
*Club Fae looks like an indoor carnival. It's silly. I want it.
*Military types have turned up at the Authority headquarters. Salome is all Pleasure to see you again General Cavanaugh but he's not buying it, especially as Bill and Eric are totes rude to him. Nora and Salome try to make nice, Rosalyn tries to bullshit him and he calls her out on it. They have video of Steve and Russell eviscerating the frat boys and he wants to talk to Roman, but OMG HI SANGUINISTAS. Cavanaugh is pissed and tells them that they are exponentially fucked if they think that this is actually going to be a thing that is happening. They try to bullshit him some more so he tells them some conspiracy theorist stuff about how they have weapons ready and waiting to take out all vampires, and have been working on this shit for like twenty years. Eric has had enough talk of black helicopters and secret societies, so he twists the guy's skull around.
*Jason rolls up to find Jessica all freaked out and scrambly because she's supposed to vamp him. She tries to nix the supervision detail, but these guards aren't as cool as the last guys who used to play gin rummy with her. She then tries to talk to Jason with her eyes and he's not getting it because he's talking relationships with her, so she bites his neck and OH NOES.
*Salome and Kibwe are like, ZOMG Eric you dick. Rosalyn is glad Cavanaugh is dead, and Salome bitches at her, and now everyone's bitching at everyone else, but it's all okay because Eric can go and glamour all the neccessary people and then the problem will be fixed, and hey, why doesn't Nora come too? Huh, okay, but take a security detail because Bill says so.
*Holy fucker, here's Jason lying in a grave with Jessica, and I confess, they got me here. I thought she vamped him for reals, and I'm glad they didn't go there, because as much as a Jason vampire would be hilarious, I just don't know how they could do that storyline and keep it fresh, y'know? I mean, we already did that with Tara - human character we've known and loved for a few years now suddenly becomes a vampire and now we watch them Adjust. Having said that, I still think Jason's in a bit of danger of SOMETHING happening to him because of later in the episode, but we'll get to that. For now, he's just going to put a coupla wooden bullets in these guards while Jessica takes a leaf out of Nora's book and has some pretty blood spatters on her face - not that blood is pretty per se, but more like Stabbing Westward cover-art makeup than the messy chin-dribble a lot of other vamps get post-nom. She warns Jason about the Russell and Steve issue and says she really wouldn't mind spending all of eternity with him, but he's got bigger things to deal with right now.
*Pam is checking the desk for Elijah bits, and she needs to gimme her dress. Tara doesn't know what the Authority are and says that they and the pope can fuck her and my god I love Tara so much it pains me. Pam commands Tara to never discuss Elijah's death again, and you may need this later. Pam seems disproportionately panicky and hey here's Jessica all teary and wanting help and Pam is not a halfway house, goddamnit. She threatens Jessica and calls her a little ginger bitch, and I thought she and Jess were at least slightly cool by now? Like, a couple of blog entries ago she was teasing Jessica about draining the trucker. Is she still pissed about Jess fighting Tara? IDK. Either way she agrees to hide Jessica from Bill and the Authority if Jessica explains what Eric's deal is right now. Tara, get a coffin out of storage.
*Eric and Nora are being driven by their security detail, and Eric kills them both at a red light. Churchy chant music as Nora drops her Authority pin to the ground and both of them fly away. That's really kind of sweet, she's the only vampire besides him (oh, and Russell, but whatever) who we've seen fly, it's like Godric taught both his kids the same trick when they were younger and I love it.
*It's almost dawn so the Authority vamps are going to ground. Sam, Luna, and Luna's boobs take the opprotunity to look around for Emma.
*The fairies take Sookie to meet the Elder, and warn Sookie that said Elder is about as reliable as a Phish fan. The fairies are all dressed in these bright jewel tones, which really works on most of them, but is not really Sookie's best look. I'm loving Maurella's eyeshadow, but now here's the Elder, dancing like some stoned out peacenik chick at a drum circle, but she has fabulous hair and needs to give me her necklace. She'd like to know if Sookie is for or against Ke$ha but Sookie isn't a fan, and it really would be kind of sad if Ke$ha was some kind of poet because her spelling is atrocious and I love the Elder, but her and I are both getting off topic here. Yes, the Elder did know Sookie's great^15 grandfather, he was handsome and kind of a creep. Is Sookie for or against John Cougar Melloncamp? Aw, against? Sookie, that Hurts So Good. Hee, the Elder sort of calls Sookie a slut, and she's offended, and it's hilarious, and everyone's destiny is entwined. I'm thinking because Russell is Warlow, because Andy is Bill's descendent and is now babydaddy to a fairy, and somesuch nonsense. But it is forbidden to speak of such things, apparently.
*Hey, the Elder should probably give me her wristcuff too. Sookie is for Boyz 2 Men? Gah. Why. Jason's back to warn Sookie and the fairies are all WTF, Russell is alive?!?!? O FUCK.
*Here we are at Merlottes and Holly is basically the most adorable person alive. She's all teeth and big sparkly eyes and hilarity and sweetness - she's basically Donkey from the Shrek movies in human form. She's got her kids here to apologise to Andy, and while Wade seems like a nice kid, Rocky is a little punk, and nice job on the WT names Holly. Andy tries a little too hard to be a cool stepdad, and Rocky sort of goes for it if only to shut his mother up, but hey, it's something.
*O HAI THERE ALCIDE WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT IMMA BE PAUSING THIS AND STARING AT THE SCREEN FOR A LIL BIT, DON'T MIND ME Y'ALL. He's out in the yard of his pop's trailer using a hoe, and I have a couple of jokes i could make there, but I'll let them go because I'm a sophisticated grown up, lol. Some guy turns up to warn Alcide and his dad about all the babyvamp attacks in the area, but Alcide's Dad is all, MEH, I HAZ SILVER FENCE, I R SAFES. This guy is like, whatevs, just trying to be nice, not that you deserve it Herveaux because in case you forgot, YOU SUCK. Apparently Daddy!Herveaux stole a buttload of money from his pack back in the day, so they abjured him. Alcide calls him out on it, and kind of sees what being a lone wolf can do to a man, so he starts hoeing again, and hee, I am a child.
*The fairies are all babbling about wtf they're going to do, but Sookie wants them all to fight with her. The Elder is all for it, and Sookie is glad to have an ally, even if she is batshit crazy.
*Here's where I start getting worried for Jason's safety, because this scene is done in such a way that makes it look like a goodbye. Sookie looks like a little girl in her pink dress, watching her big brother run off to football practise, and it seems so reminiscent of their childhood that I can't help but think something less than awesome is going to happen to Jason soon. They both say they love each other and hug before Jason runs off.
*Aw, Terry is all happy and snuggly with Arlene, and Andy is glad to see them both back on top of their game. Lafayette turns up for his one damn line of the episode (hmph) to declare that he is "a bitch, not a snitch. LOVE IT," and prance out in his gorgeous purple top. Andy wants to know the secret of a good relationship, so Arlene tells him a bunch of stuff about trust and whatnot, but O CRAP here's Maurella looking pregnant-er than ever, and Arlene is Arlene-ing about OMG ANDY DID YOU PUT THAT BUN IN HER OVEN??? Hee, Maurella called him Andrew.
*Andy is like, ZOMG BETCH YOU ARE NOT GOUGING ME FOR FAE CHILD SUPPORT and she's all, um, yeah, hi, you swore on the light, dude, so SNAP. Andy seems to think swearing on the light is kind of like when iTunes sends you a new batch of Terms & Conditions - you don't actually give a fuck at the time, you just agree to get what you want but then all of a sudden you're part of a human centipede and I should stop watching South Park.
*Jess, Tara and Pam are in the back room of Fangtasia and Pam is telling them about what ass-wads vampires become in nests, and how from the sound of it, sharing Lilliths blood has made the Authority vamps even worse than usual. That's probably good for Jessica to hear, that Bill isn't himself right now, because seeing him be such a jackhole to her has to hurt. Nope, Pam's never done the nest thing, she finds most vampires as irritating as most humans. Whoever did Pam's makeup this week got her blush all lopsided. Tara's eyeshadow, however, is almost as awesome as Maurella's. Pam snarks about having a sleepover with the babyvamps and then eyerolls out.
*Jessica is all, so, she's fun, and Tara is like *eyeshift mumble* yeah I guess, I don't know, YOU'RE FUN, stop talking to me, I haven't really thought about it, SUBJECT CHANGE PLZ. Jess is like, hee, you haz girlcrush? At which point Tara gets all scrambly and OMG she totally does, and she says that her and Pam is never going to happen which means it totally WILL happen, and Santa I have been such a good girl this year. Jessica says she doesn't really know that many people "of the gay persuasion", and, just to be clear, doesn't she know exactly one? Being Lafayette? Because, see, I think we've pretty much established by now that most of the vampires are bisexual, or globalsexual, or as-long-as-it-ends-in-blood-and-an-orgasm-I-don't-give-a-fuck-sexual. Not that it matters, I'm just saying, is all. Oh, wait, there was Jesus too, so two. But again, whatevs.
*Aw, this is sad. Jessica likes talking to Tara because she has no friends. And I guess right now she really kind of doesn't, what with Bill crossing over to the dark side. I cry a little bit as she says it doesn't matter if Tara beats her up, she still likes her, and how does Tara not melt into a pool of pity and cuddle the poor litlte gingervamp right now? She does, however, promise to bring Jessica a fangbanger later, and Jessica should give me her t-shirt.
*Back out in the bar, Pam is sitting in Eric's throne watching her pretty little progeny, and Tara is pouring a drink and watching her hotter-than-the-hinges-of-hell maker, and I need them naked together like YESTERDAY, but hey, here's Rosalyn all whut whut where's the sherriff he's one of my 204 kids, like Octomom eat THAT. Tara spins some bullshit about how Elijah collected his Benjamins and split, but Rosalyn can smell his blood and now would like some of Tara's so as to call it square. She asks Tara if she killed Elijah, but Pam jumps in and confesses - she killed Elijah because he was getting on her nerves. Rosalyn snaps her fingers and has Pam surrounded by beret-wearing guys, and Pam is under arrest, and I will have that dress also. When I first watched this I was all "damn Tara, way to step up for your maker/ladycrush, don't let her take the rap for you!" but then I realised - Tara can't tell the truth and save Pam, because she was commanded not to talk about Elijah. She has no choice but to let them take her maker, and I guess it kind of is her choice but she should also consider giving me her jacket. Oh, and Rosalyn has sniffed Jessica out too, and is gonna take her home to Daddy. Babyvamp in TROUBLE.
*The blood vial is talking to Bill again, and hey, I like those curtains around his bed. Or Salome's bed, or Roman's bed, or whoever's bed it is. Lilith has Chosen Bill and wants him to drink her blood, so, okay.
*Sad!Wolf trailer. Daddy Herveaux yells at some sport guys on TV while Alcide nukes some Campbell's Vegetable Beef soup, and I can tell you right now that no man with a body like his goes around eating sodium-filled crap like that, but okay. Commotion - there are some babyvamps futzing around by the fence, they can't breach it so they try for the neighbours. Papa says they're not their problem anymore, but Alcide sucks a lot less than his dad so he decides to go all Buffy/Blade on the babyvamps asses.
*Jason is pacing out on the porch with a gun, but here's Russell and Steve. Bahahahahaha Russell met Jesus, "he was a boring hippie who stank of patchouli". Y'know, through years of Catholic school, I always suspected as much. Jesus and I would totally have been buds - it's his entourage that pisses me off. His groupies need to die in a fire, but the man and I could totally listen to some Cat Stevens and bake organic brownies together. But for now, Russell is going to glamour Jason into taking them to Club Fae.
*Babyvamp chaos at the trailerpark. Alcide is all "SHOTGUN MOTHERFUCKERS!" These babyvamps are so green they don't even realise that the true death means gooey grossness. Alcide kills one, nearly gets his vains drained, but then Papa decides to tear himself away from the penalty replays or whatever the fuck and do some shotgunning of his own. Alcide's hair is all snarfy.
*Mice in the Authority are suddenly naked people, and have Sam Trammell and Janina Gavankar actually needed to hit the wardrobe department all season? The Emmapup is locked up with a group of naked humans who are obviously set to be Authority chow, so this cage is basically like a vampire's pantry, and if Emma makes it out of this alive, that kid will be in therapy forever. Ruh-roh, busted by vamp guards. Luna is imprisoned, Sam talks them into letting him be Bill's next meal.
*It seems that Lillith is kind of a slut when it comes to Choosing people, because she's just Chosen Kibwe. Bill cannot be having with that, and liberates his head from his body. That water feature has stayed clean about as long as Sookie's Gran's carpet.
*Pam and Jessica are brought in by Rosalyn and the bouncers. Hee, Rosalyn is leading Jessica by her ear. Pam's figure is DAYUM. Her and Sam see each other in the hall and are both like DA FUQ? and Sam shouts at her to help Luna, but of course, Pam doesn't have the first clue who Luna is.
*Uh-oh. Dad's mad. Jessica disobeyed and this is where I start to hate Bill as much as the rest of the fandom hates Bill. She tries to pull the Longshadow card on him, and he really has no answer for that, except for to be a total buttwad, of course. Then he loses me as his champion as he HITS HIS BABY IN THE FACE and I want to punch him in the jeans.
*Lilith is Choose-Slutting again, and now she wants Salome.
*Jason has led the boys to the Field of Fae, and Steve is in the back of the cruiser knocking on the windown all "baby, lemme out!", and , hee. Now they're both stoned on the scent of fairies, and Jason is just standing there looking dumber than usual. The fairies are all, um, Elder, honey, IT'S LOOKING LIKE NOW. She says she's all over it, and goes out there to allow shit to get real. She zaps Steve, and like Sookie, I really enjoy watching that. She tries to get Russell, but he's too quick and drags Jason in front of him as the Elder tries to banish Russell "into the realms and beyond", so Jason gets the microwave blast instead. Luckily the realms don't seem to go beyond that big-ass oak tree, but at the very least, Jason took a hell of a wallop, so I'm wondering what next episode holds for his general wellbeing. The fae all stand there uselessly while Russell eats the Elder, and I don't know if it's because of the six pints of fairy blood he just ingested, or because the magic keeping the club invisible died along with the Elder, but now Russell can see them, and shit is about to get very, very real. Credits.
Mmkay, going to try to find the promo, Jess' blog and inside the episode:
- The promo is sort of a clusterfuck of non-information, just everyone versus everyone else, kind of thing. One interesting part, however, is Eric looking kind of like he's trying to reason with Bill, as opposed to shanking the motherfucker. I'm hoping it works and that Bill snaps the fuck out of it. Also, Mr Compton, Chancellor Compton, Your Highness, Whatever The Fuck Your Title Is These Days, you are hereby officially on notice. You have been a jackwad, and you have smacked your babyvamp in the face. I am going to need you to spend a minimum of three episodes in season 6 doing nothing but cuddling her, acquiring attractive donor humans for her to feed on, buying her expensive dresses and shoes, and grovelling in humblest apology for being no better than her awful human father.
- As for Inside The Episode, apparently Lillith has an endgame - she's pitting all the chancellors against each other so that they'll kill each other and she'll be left with the strongest one to do her bidding. My money is on Salome, because Bill will come to his fool senses. I mean, Salome and Lilith will both bite it, of course, but whatever.
- No new revelations from Jessica's blog, it's a text entry instead of a video. Babyvamp was lonely in the Fangtasia basement, we knew this already.