Why are stupid things on the internet the most fun?
I got no sleep last night. I don't mean, I got a few hours of fitful, disrupted sleep - I mean, I did not sleep. At all. Why? Because some fool told me about chatroulette.com.
Yes, there were a lot of men playing with their bits. And yes, I watched a few. Yes, I even flashed my boobies a couple of times when requested, because it seemed only polite. If these guys were going to go to all the trouble of setting up a webcam to jerk off on, it seemed reasonable that they may want some tittays to look at while they do it. I didn't do this out of any feelings of being turned on, though I admit there were a few rather impressive peens on display last night. Some were so impressive that I was left wondering why their owners were stroking them for the internet instead of having a real person do the stroking for them. But as for being sexy, well, not really. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a dick being jerked (in fact, scratch that, I know you have - because if you're reading this it means you're on the internet, and if you're using the internet you are obviously aware that it is 98% porn), but it's just not the most alluring sight in the world. For me the excitement was kind of a sleep deprived, sugar enhanced "OMG a stranger is seeing me naked, yay!" kind of thing for which I should probably seek therapy.
I doubt I'd do it again, because after a while I start imagining the other person is a serial killer who will record the video, somehow see past my obscured face and recognise me, and track me down to chop me into little pieces. There are only so many time you can show your hoo-ha on the internet and be amused at watching a man's eyes almost pop out of his head. It gets predictable. So I moved to text only chat.
After wading through many requests for cyber sex (which, okay, in all honesty I have tried before - years ago, and yes, it's just as ridiculous and confusing and utterly un-sexy as it sounds), I actually spoke to a few cool people. A very sweet English dude called Micheal and I chatted for over an hour, and I also spoke to a hilarious Indonesian girl called Elisa. I had a brief interaction with a charming individual who kept typing "POOOOOO" in capslock over and over. I spoke to one person completely in gangsta-speak (which I suck at, because after "YO DAWGGG!!!!" I've got nothing). I convinced someone I was famous. I started randomly listing the elements of the periodic table and was overjoyed when my conversational partner replied. I discussed cheese, the war in Iraq, the brilliance of Allie Brosh, and whether I'd ever slept with one of my college professors (yes). In short, I am now an omegle genius/addict.
I logged off feeling like I'd uncovered a new facet of the internet, and wondering if it would be possible to get something named after myself for my discovery, like a mountain or a disease or something. I decided to wind down by rereading a few of my favourite hyperboleandahalf.com entries, and got addicted to the stupid word bubble game linked in the menu. After a couple of hours of going "OMG theres no more words staring with SUR and I only have 23 seconds left wtf am I going to do, surplus is the only one, wait what about surprise and all its variations shit now i've only got 17 seconds oh dammit typo that will cost me fuck I already used surprised I wonder if surprisation is a real word I mean I know it isn't but the game might not know that and DAMN. Out of time. NEXT ROUND!!!!!!!" I decided to put the goddamn computer away and do some real person things for a while. Get some distance.
But now I'm back, and the stupid side of the internet is calling ... calling ...