(no subject)
In about twenty-four hours I will leave the Bristo Hall with crazy people sobbing behind me. 'Just had a final run-through for lines and speed and focus with the Paradokians. I still stumbled a bit. It's pathetic. 'Glad I didn't get the big part, I suppose. I should still be using this time for essay writing, but my mind is a bit cooked. I wanted to get a few things out of it - hopefully clear up some space for peace.
`On this morning, I really missed my record player. I was listening to Atom Heart Mother on my iPod and just realising how much I preferred being forced to sit still and concentrate on the hisses and pops of my vinyl. I miss my big leather easy chair, and putting audio CDs in my home theatre DVD player with the multiple speakers.
`On some mornings, I wake up and forget where I am.
`On many mornings, I wake up sore. My mattress is easily one of the worst things about the entire experience here, made all the more frustrating, I suppose, knowing that if it really really bothered me I could do something about it - for a price.
`In the afternoon, I forget where my time went. Frequently.
I told someone today that there was about a 5% chance of my staying here next year, and this really surprised her. She knew that I was a pretty good shoe-in for being accepted into the PhD, but I told her that it dawned on me recently just how slim my chances of receiving a scholarship will be. I am trying not to think about it for a while, but "no sooner have I discovered something than I begin to doubt it." And revelations happen as often as I see friends.
There are things for me here. There are things for me at home. But to measure one against the other seems... unfair. I cannot solve this problem logically. Or better, I can, but then it conflicts with my emotions. At times. And vice-versa.
that's enough.