. . . the fuck?
i will never understand this but it seems to be only way i will be can live. i get comments back on a paper about how i improved the stuff that i was told about and didn't in the stuff that i was either supposed to already know, or assumed to know. i suck at formal writing, this is for a class on technical communication, no shit, right?
the problem is this, and something i never understood. i know i suck at formal papers, like to learn, felt like i learned, so i feel good about the class. the comments on the other hand sort are like a preemptive strike of how i was sort of obviously flawed. i want to work on that stuff but it is hard to do when all people seem to do is blame you for your mistakes, as though you commit them maliciously, like it's your fuck up is insulting to them as a person.
the biggest problem is that i don't care. if people can judge me however they want but i'm at least a human being, which gives me the right to at least be ignorant of how bad i am, because the way they make it sounds would make me think being ignorant would be better because it's so horrible. i'm ok with who i am, don't want for much, don't need for it. i mean, basically, i don't kill myself over classes because i think feeding what i've learned back to the teacher is only important up to the point i understand and can communicate it. i don't care about getting A's, just passing. i think this could be the source of the preemptive defensive offense, but that is assuming something about me that isn't true.
the point would be that i find that people expect me to have some sort of motivation or reasoning which i'd base on their experience rather than assume too much of my own. a lot of students are bitches about getting A's but I'm not, it's not normal. the story of my life in those words, on my grave stone, write "it's not normal". the problem is this, there are so many things things as they seem to me which I am not on the same page as other people because i don't like to assume things or judge people without knowing them. i might seem inapproachable, but if anyone tries to talk to me, i try my damnedest to response appropriately and considerately. i do my best. my best probably isn't the same as other people's idea of best, mostly as it is mainly lacking in any show for it, but that's me.
the conflict manifests in moments like these comments which were giving reasons towards things i don't care about. things like i had typos and shit. i was happy to get the paper done. i don't care if i get a c or a low b, so long as i don't fail. so why the animosity, what is the problem with me being who i am that i keep running into these conflicts with people because i'm not assuming enough or something? because i don't deal in bullshit and never intend to. i don't think i will become anything great, and i really just want to make it through life without losing all hope and finding that i no longer have any dreams for what life could be. when they've beaten me down, i will be dead, whether i'm in the ground or not. so in that context, fuck, a B, great, i'll take it, i think i earned it seeing as my mid-term paper was shit, or so i would have said. i didn't say anything, and like in so many cases, i was treated a way i couldn't understand as i feel as though it was intended for most other people. i don't think i'm special, just a little crazy, and unrealistic.
i'm ok with all that, my fault, bad work, but i'm not cool with feeling like i'm supposed to be a certain way otherwise my life will be irrelevant since people would address it as me as though i was someone i'm not. i don't like taking responsibility for things that i'm didn't, don't, or am not. i especially don't like those responsibilities being made to be something i have to learn to even be able to communicate with other people properly. i'm not complicated, just different, and it just takes a little thought to figure me out, and i consider thoughtless unnecessary and inhumane.
this becomes apparent in several different ways in my life. like i don't want to make money. i don't want to starve or be poor, i just don't care that much about money. i would need only to get by. i don't want to be famous, i would imagine the responsibility and influence of success is a terrible burden. i have no intentions of hurting anyone, i would sacrifice my own happiness to ensure that i at least not hurt anyone else. kinda crazy, but also kind of makes people treating me like shit just sort of redundant.
i feel as though if i don't learn how to at least understand this person that people are addressing when they think they are addressing me, this person that is fickle and petty and mean, as though the world were full of car salesman and i wanted to walk. i need to get along with people to help people, and helping people is important to me. how do i be more like this person i'm supposed to be, or at least understand it enough to not feel pissed off when i get comments about how my work about how my ideas were good but the writing could use some work in pulling ideas together. i'm tired of explaining everything i say, everything i'd know, all that i would draw on to make the best informed decision, statement, whatever, and getting only blank stares in return. or worse, being treated like bring up outside information is wrong.
i can only imagine what the workplace is like. i'm thinking two men that beat their wives for fun and their kids to feel empowered being offered freedom, given a knife each, and said only one of the two could be free. that is how i think of the world around me right now. i'm like, 'why all this doubt and conflict, be happy for what you have and try to work together for best results, and people look at me as though they are thinking of calling the cops in case i'm crazy. i would be happy to live alone, no bullshit, give up all my stuff, whatever, I might even prefer the idea of solitude over being forced to fight in a time of peace. i can't stand the idea of taking things from other people, it kills me. and i look at the world around me and people liberal is considered to be bullshit solutions to real problems whereas conservative is considered to be the hindrance of bullshit solutions amounting in bullshit. and i think to myself, what would be a good place where i could go to ground, drop off the map, so what if i died, i tried to live.
fuck
the problem is this, and something i never understood. i know i suck at formal papers, like to learn, felt like i learned, so i feel good about the class. the comments on the other hand sort are like a preemptive strike of how i was sort of obviously flawed. i want to work on that stuff but it is hard to do when all people seem to do is blame you for your mistakes, as though you commit them maliciously, like it's your fuck up is insulting to them as a person.
the biggest problem is that i don't care. if people can judge me however they want but i'm at least a human being, which gives me the right to at least be ignorant of how bad i am, because the way they make it sounds would make me think being ignorant would be better because it's so horrible. i'm ok with who i am, don't want for much, don't need for it. i mean, basically, i don't kill myself over classes because i think feeding what i've learned back to the teacher is only important up to the point i understand and can communicate it. i don't care about getting A's, just passing. i think this could be the source of the preemptive defensive offense, but that is assuming something about me that isn't true.
the point would be that i find that people expect me to have some sort of motivation or reasoning which i'd base on their experience rather than assume too much of my own. a lot of students are bitches about getting A's but I'm not, it's not normal. the story of my life in those words, on my grave stone, write "it's not normal". the problem is this, there are so many things things as they seem to me which I am not on the same page as other people because i don't like to assume things or judge people without knowing them. i might seem inapproachable, but if anyone tries to talk to me, i try my damnedest to response appropriately and considerately. i do my best. my best probably isn't the same as other people's idea of best, mostly as it is mainly lacking in any show for it, but that's me.
the conflict manifests in moments like these comments which were giving reasons towards things i don't care about. things like i had typos and shit. i was happy to get the paper done. i don't care if i get a c or a low b, so long as i don't fail. so why the animosity, what is the problem with me being who i am that i keep running into these conflicts with people because i'm not assuming enough or something? because i don't deal in bullshit and never intend to. i don't think i will become anything great, and i really just want to make it through life without losing all hope and finding that i no longer have any dreams for what life could be. when they've beaten me down, i will be dead, whether i'm in the ground or not. so in that context, fuck, a B, great, i'll take it, i think i earned it seeing as my mid-term paper was shit, or so i would have said. i didn't say anything, and like in so many cases, i was treated a way i couldn't understand as i feel as though it was intended for most other people. i don't think i'm special, just a little crazy, and unrealistic.
i'm ok with all that, my fault, bad work, but i'm not cool with feeling like i'm supposed to be a certain way otherwise my life will be irrelevant since people would address it as me as though i was someone i'm not. i don't like taking responsibility for things that i'm didn't, don't, or am not. i especially don't like those responsibilities being made to be something i have to learn to even be able to communicate with other people properly. i'm not complicated, just different, and it just takes a little thought to figure me out, and i consider thoughtless unnecessary and inhumane.
this becomes apparent in several different ways in my life. like i don't want to make money. i don't want to starve or be poor, i just don't care that much about money. i would need only to get by. i don't want to be famous, i would imagine the responsibility and influence of success is a terrible burden. i have no intentions of hurting anyone, i would sacrifice my own happiness to ensure that i at least not hurt anyone else. kinda crazy, but also kind of makes people treating me like shit just sort of redundant.
i feel as though if i don't learn how to at least understand this person that people are addressing when they think they are addressing me, this person that is fickle and petty and mean, as though the world were full of car salesman and i wanted to walk. i need to get along with people to help people, and helping people is important to me. how do i be more like this person i'm supposed to be, or at least understand it enough to not feel pissed off when i get comments about how my work about how my ideas were good but the writing could use some work in pulling ideas together. i'm tired of explaining everything i say, everything i'd know, all that i would draw on to make the best informed decision, statement, whatever, and getting only blank stares in return. or worse, being treated like bring up outside information is wrong.
i can only imagine what the workplace is like. i'm thinking two men that beat their wives for fun and their kids to feel empowered being offered freedom, given a knife each, and said only one of the two could be free. that is how i think of the world around me right now. i'm like, 'why all this doubt and conflict, be happy for what you have and try to work together for best results, and people look at me as though they are thinking of calling the cops in case i'm crazy. i would be happy to live alone, no bullshit, give up all my stuff, whatever, I might even prefer the idea of solitude over being forced to fight in a time of peace. i can't stand the idea of taking things from other people, it kills me. and i look at the world around me and people liberal is considered to be bullshit solutions to real problems whereas conservative is considered to be the hindrance of bullshit solutions amounting in bullshit. and i think to myself, what would be a good place where i could go to ground, drop off the map, so what if i died, i tried to live.
fuck