[2PM | 011.] my words, my heart
my words, my heart
nichkhun/wooyoung; other members & minjae cameo
pg-13
2420 words
[in sum]: when wooyoung knows he can never realize his feelings with nichkhun, he takes it upon himself to clean up the mess of emotions in his chest. it doesn't quite work and ends up leaving wooyoung with broken and missing pieces.
prompt suggested by peachmacaroons:
wooyoung/nichkhun | humpty dumpty
also:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
§
“I don’t know what you mean by ‘glory,’ ” Alice said.
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. “Of course you don’t; 'till I tell you. I meant ‘there’s a nice knock-down argument for you!’ ”
“But ‘glory’ doesn’t mean ‘a nice knock-down argument’,” Alice objected.
“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean; neither more nor less.”
“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”
“The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master that’s all.”
Alice was too much puzzled to say anything, so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. “They’ve a temper, some of them?particularly verbs, they’re the proudest; adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs; however, I can manage the whole lot! Impenetrability! That’s what I say!”
-Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass
note: the beginning is influenced by the korean manhwa "let dai". i love that manhwa so much. there are also events influenced by 2pm's recent broadcasts: "strong heart" and "happy birthday"; in which wooyoung proceeded to break my little khunwoo heart even further.
i think i pretty much failed with this prompt as well. but i still hope you like it, peachmacaroons! since i don't think it's 'hit-me-over-the-head' obvious, the humpty dumpty part comes in with the way wooyoung can't mend his heart. ah....cliche, i know. D: /runs away.
my words, my heart
they are at an american style fast food restaurant when it comes out of wooyoung's mouth.
because nichkhun had first gushed, "i absolutely love criss-cut fries."
and after staring at the golden fried and hashed potatoes on his own tray, wooyoung murmurs, "i criss-cut fries you too."
unfortunately, nichkhun hears and he expresses much amusement at wooyoung having used english in a very wrong way. wooyoung's 'misspeak' is told in an anecdotal form to taecyeon and junsu, sitting at another table. taecyeon guffaws and musses wooyoung's hair. junsu just scoffs, leading wooyoung to doubt whether junsu really understood at all.
but amidst all the wondering, the most of it is pointedly focused on nichkhun. wooyoung wonders: 'does he get it?'
but nichkhun only eats his fries with renewed vigor.
wooyoung loses his appetite.
§
it is a hard night's practice for everyone after that. the meal had been a short lived break or more like a meal and a breather mixed as one.
"two birds with one stone" their manager told them with a bitter smile, which later reflects on all six of them.
they're ushered into the practice room by taecyeon, trying hard to put on a cheerful face. and though wooyoung's heart goes out to taecyeon, who manages to stay strong for all of them, wooyoung feels his eyes returning to the dark circles drawing on top of nichkhun's face long and pale.
"hyung" wooyoung tells taecyeon gently, patting him on the arm. "thanks."
taecyeon smiles. "for what?"
"just. being here."
and that's all it takes for taecyeon to kind of guess what wooyoung means.
nichkhun, never too far away, claps a hand on wooyoung's shoulder.
"wooyoung-ah" he says, smiling brightly. "you're a good kid."
and all wooyoung can say back is: "hyung. hyung..." but it is a different meaning than what he's told taecyeon.
"hyung" repeats wooyoung one more time. "khun hyung."
"hmm? what is it wooyoung-ah?"
and nichkhun's face suddenly is so pleasant and his eyes, so unassuming that wooyoung just blurts, "nothing hyung. nothing at all."
§
the somewhat fragile and burning thing in wooyoung's chest is now making itself known to wooyoung all the time. even when nichkhun's not around. and with this, wooyoung understands that he's getting more and more serious.
he still ignores it, knowing full well that he'll regret putting it off for later.
so all the rushing joy and hyper excitedness comes as a suffocating surprise when nichkhun invites wooyoung for a drink and some pocket ball.
"just you and me" says nichkhun with an exaggerated wink. so that wooyoung can't help his eyes getting bright, can't help tossing and turning in impatience for tomorrow when he's in bed that night.
§
wooyoung's all ready. he has his sunglasses (a gift from nichkhun in los angeles. wooyoung wonders if he notices). he has a light jacket wrapped around his waist in case it gets chilly later on. he has on those jeans that make his legs look kind of longer: an optical illusion. and finally, his wallet is a little fatter than usual.
nichkhun comes out of his room, talking on the phone. wooyoung's glad that nichkhun looks as excited as wooyoung feels.
but when nichkhun's cell goes snap! and closes, there's a different glint in nichkhun's eye.
"i'll tell you something good" says nichkhun, beckoning wooyoung closer. "i've invited some girls..."
it's too late when wooyoung tries to recover his smile from dropping through the floor.
"what's wrong?" asks nickhun, worry suddenly dampening nichkhun's own ecstatic look.
"nothing" says wooyoung, tossing off his sunglasses and flinging them onto the sofa. "i'm not going."
nichkhun's jaw drops and from the other side of the living room, taecyeon jumps up, tossing his game console aside.
"really? then can i go?" asks taecyeon and clings to nichkhun's arm.
wooyoung suddenly feels sick.
'there's no point. there's no point' wooyoung thinks.
and he slips into his room murmuring, "it was bad of you nichkhun hyung. very bad of you."
§
later nichkhun recounts it as something nichkhun should have gotten angry about.
"here i am trying to cheer you up by introducing you to some girls. and what do you say?" nichkhun asks rhetorically.
wooyoung bites his lower lip. nichkhun's a little drunk and taecyeon is busy organizing the new numbers in his contacts list, hunched over his phone.
but nichkhun doesn't stay mad for long.
"you should have been there" says nickhun half hugging wooyoung in an apologetic way.
but wooyoung can't bring himself to say anything. because all he remembers are nickhun's words from yesterday saying, "just you and me."
just you and me.
just you and me.
just you.
and me.
the words somehow sound more broken in his memory.
§
the following morning, nichkhun conveniently remembers his annoyance from last night.
"wooyoung."
"yes?"
"do you..."
"do i?"
there's a flutter in wooyoung's heart. like the thing that's been making a racket in his chest for so long is finally setting down.
but.
"do you like guys?"
the burning sensation gets worse like acid spills in his rib cage.
"what?"
"what?!" taecyeon echos, laughing. "don't be ridiculous."
"yeah, khun hyung" wooyoung says, not meeting nichkhun's eyes. "don't be ridiculous."
§
wooyoung believes it falls upon him to smooth things out. he's always been the one to take care of the frayed ends or nik-nacks left behind.
so he drops a bomb on four of his 2pm members.
during a broadcasted program.
"i actually dated after i debuted" wooyoung says. he makes it sound like the emcees have tricked him into it. and he is half-surprised at how natural it sounds coming out of his mouth.
"she was my junior in elementary school. i really liked her. but it didn't work out because she was studying abroad and i was busy with schedules..."
the rest of the members admit their shock after the recording is over.
"man, you should have run this by minjae hyung first. at the least" says taecyeon, but he's smiling.
wooyoung knows it's okay, but only because the relationship isn't a current thing.
"do you still love her?" junsu asks, hanging onto the words about to come from wooyoung's lips like junsu's living vicariously off of wooyoung's barely-there love life.
there's beat of hesitation before wooyoung says: "yeah" quickly enough to cover it up.
junho shakes his head. "and you still keep in touch with her?"
"yeah."
"i remember her. she was nice" says chansung. "you sent her some nice presents."
"yeah" says wooyoung. "yeah."
wooyoung's glad that nichkhun's not there for that particular recording. wooyoung thinks... no, he knows. ...that he couldn't have done it otherwise.
§
wooyoung knows taecyeon's told nichkhun about it when nichkhun gives a worried glance the following morning.
"wooyoung-ah..." nichkhun says cautiously. "sorry about the other day."
"what do you mean hyung?" wooyoung asks, knowing full well.
"about asking you if you liked guys. i didn't know you were having a hard time with your girl."
wooyoung's been expecting it, but the thing inside of him smolders then reignites brighter and hotter than before.
"it's okay, hyung" wooyoung whispers.
but when nichkhun slides past him with a quick squeeze of support on his waist side, wooyoung almost hears his heart cracking under the heat and pressure.
he feels it aching during the following days. but no one asks about wooyoung's gradual depression.
because everyone believes he or she knows why.
"it's that girl. that relationship that didn't quite work out."
and wooyoung doesn't have it in him to object.
§
minjae comes in on an off day and tells wooyoung that he should go to the studio to record.
"record what?" asks wooyoung listlessly. he doesn't feel much like singing right now.
"there's a new cf offer. and they want 2pm. we're recording the logo song."
minjae smiles. and wooyoung knows what minjae's thinking. he's thinking that wooyoung will be cheered up by the news. more cf offers means more money, means more fame, means more...
but also less. because it doesn't mean anything to wooyoung right now.
"okay" wooyoung says, trying to smile for minjae's efforts at least.
it works. and so minjae says: "okay hurry and get dressed. nichkhun's already waiting in the car."
§
wooyoung is almost laughing at the ways the world can be cruel.
it's just nichkhun, wooyoung and minjae hyung in the van. everyone else has either already recorded their part or is busy and will record later.
leave it up to nichkhun to pick a seat right next to wooyoung though every other seat is empty.
"um. khun hyung?"
"yeah?"
"don't you want to sit in the front?"
"yeah" says minjae. "someone sit in the front with me. i feel like a taxi driver."
"nah" says nichkhun, crinkling his eyes and nudging wooyoung's shoulder with his own. "i'm comfortable here."
wooyoung sighs quietly as nichkhun nestles into wooyoung's side.
'oh the irony of this cruel cruel world...'
§
wooyoung feels sick. he's never really liked unnecessary focus and right now, he's smack dab in the center of attention that he doesn't want.
"so i heard about wooyoung's love confession on television" one of the assistant producers say, wiggling an eyebrow.
nichkhun giggles. "oh you heard? yeah, isn't wooyoung cute?"
"that was pretty brave to admit it. and you didn't even say that you and her were through. you still keep in contact right?"
wooyoung mumbles the affirmative and nichkhun fluffs his hair saying something like: "don't be so shy about it."
"and i thought our wooyoung here never had an interest in girls" continues the assistant pd. "he always only hangs out with khun, so i thought..."
"hyung!" exclaims nichkhun in mock indignation. "how could you?!" but then nichkhun leans in conspiratorially and says, "that's what i suspected too but..."
they start laughing and wooyoung really feels like he's going to throw up. it's like he's on the edge of a precipice and just one little push could...
"i mean, if wooyoung did like me, that'd be horrible!" says nichkhun, still laughing with the assistant pd. "i mean, i'm technically married and wooyoung's cute and all, but not that cute...not enough for me to go for a guy!"
wooyoung feels his eyes unfocus. his eye sight goes grey. he's somehow fallen off of something he can't really describe.
so quietly, while nickhun and the pd are still talking, he slips out. he stumbles in the hallway at first. but then he runs. and runs. and runs.
§
"what has gotten into you?" asks minjae when he finds wooyoung squatting outside the studio, near the dumpster.
wooyoung's panting because he had gotten all the way to the park that bisects the distance between their apartment and the studio before he came running back.
"i think i'm sick" wooyoung says between breaths. "really, really sick."
minjae puts a hand to wooyoung's forehead, stills, then says: "i don't think you should strain yourself today. let's just wait until nichkhun's finished recording then go home."
wooyoung nods, staring out into something like oblivion. because, hey, what else is there left to do? until minjae pulls wooyoung up by the arm.
"hyung?" asks wooyoung, confused.
"let's go inside" says minjae shuddering. "it's cold out."
wooyoung jerks his arm away. "it's okay, hyung. i'll wait out here."
"you said you're sick! the cold air could make it worse."
"i feel...it's stuffy in there" says wooyoung quickly. "i'll just wait outside or in the car or something."
"and have the fans surround the van so we'll never get home? no way. come on."
wooyoung gets dragged into the studio once again. the assistant pd gives wooyoung a worried look, but luckily he can't talk. nickhun's in the recording box.
minjae calls the pd out. most likely to tell him that wooyoung can't record today. so wooyoung's left alone in the room with nichkhun on the other side of soundproof glass.
"are you okay, wooyoung-ah?" nichkhun says through the mic.
wooyoung nods, trying his best to look apologetic but not meet nichkhun's eyes at the same time.
"is...it because of that girl?"
wooyoung's head snaps up. he's getting kind of angry. because this is all nickhun's fault. and even the story about his supposed girl is all nichkhun's fault. and...
"yeah" wooyoung says, nodding his head. "it's because of her. i'm having a tough time because of her."
nichkhun taps his headphones.
"push the button before you talk wooyoung. i can't hear you remember?"
wooyoung smiles wanely, thinking: 'i know, you idiot.'
and so he says one last thing to nichkhun's face.
"with this i've said 'i love you'. with this, i've proved that you mean more to me than any stupid relationship i could ever hope for."
but of course nichkhun doesn't understand. he can't even hear.
"what"
"nichkhun hyung"
"are you"
"i"
"what are you saying?"
but there's no way things in wooyoung's chest can be put back together. so wooyoung smiles something slightly crooked and forced.
"i love"
and through the glass, nichkhun jabs the air, signalling to push the goddamn button.
"her" wooyoung finally says, pushing the button at the same time. "i love her."
his eyes never leave nichkhun's.
§
at the end of the day, nichkhun tells the rest of the members how heartbroken wooyoung is.
"let's help him. cheer him up" they suggest.
but wooyoung finds that he can't make his heart whole again.
there are pieces of affection stuck on each of his members. a piece in the way junsu shifts his eyes worriedly. a piece in the way taecyeon starts massaging wooyoung's shoulders. there's a piece stuck on junho's fist, as he gently bumps wooyoung's chest and asks, "are you okay man?"
there's a piece that chansung's dropped on his blanket when he gets up and offers to share the last of his favorite cereal.
there's even a piece of wooyoung's heart clinging innocently on minjae hyung's glasses as minjae peers into wooyoung's eyes asking: "are you sure you don't need to see a doctor?"
and wooyoung feels that there's even a piece with his elementary school crush who took the rap for everything, far far away in canada somewhere, studying to become something great. of course, there's one in its rightful place hanging somewhere near jaebum's earlobe.
finally, there's that chunk that had been nestled innocently on nichkhun's chest. he had been wearing it like a necklace. but now it's gone.
it's how wooyoung knows that he can never be made whole again. and it's how wooyoung knows that there will never be a "just you and me, wooyoung-ah".
it is how wooyoung knows it will always be, "just me. and you. just you. and me."
nichkhun/wooyoung; other members & minjae cameo
pg-13
2420 words
[in sum]: when wooyoung knows he can never realize his feelings with nichkhun, he takes it upon himself to clean up the mess of emotions in his chest. it doesn't quite work and ends up leaving wooyoung with broken and missing pieces.
prompt suggested by peachmacaroons:
wooyoung/nichkhun | humpty dumpty
also:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
§
“I don’t know what you mean by ‘glory,’ ” Alice said.
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. “Of course you don’t; 'till I tell you. I meant ‘there’s a nice knock-down argument for you!’ ”
“But ‘glory’ doesn’t mean ‘a nice knock-down argument’,” Alice objected.
“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean; neither more nor less.”
“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”
“The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master that’s all.”
Alice was too much puzzled to say anything, so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. “They’ve a temper, some of them?particularly verbs, they’re the proudest; adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs; however, I can manage the whole lot! Impenetrability! That’s what I say!”
-Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass
note: the beginning is influenced by the korean manhwa "let dai". i love that manhwa so much. there are also events influenced by 2pm's recent broadcasts: "strong heart" and "happy birthday"; in which wooyoung proceeded to break my little khunwoo heart even further.
i think i pretty much failed with this prompt as well. but i still hope you like it, peachmacaroons! since i don't think it's 'hit-me-over-the-head' obvious, the humpty dumpty part comes in with the way wooyoung can't mend his heart. ah....cliche, i know. D: /runs away.
my words, my heart
they are at an american style fast food restaurant when it comes out of wooyoung's mouth.
because nichkhun had first gushed, "i absolutely love criss-cut fries."
and after staring at the golden fried and hashed potatoes on his own tray, wooyoung murmurs, "i criss-cut fries you too."
unfortunately, nichkhun hears and he expresses much amusement at wooyoung having used english in a very wrong way. wooyoung's 'misspeak' is told in an anecdotal form to taecyeon and junsu, sitting at another table. taecyeon guffaws and musses wooyoung's hair. junsu just scoffs, leading wooyoung to doubt whether junsu really understood at all.
but amidst all the wondering, the most of it is pointedly focused on nichkhun. wooyoung wonders: 'does he get it?'
but nichkhun only eats his fries with renewed vigor.
wooyoung loses his appetite.
§
it is a hard night's practice for everyone after that. the meal had been a short lived break or more like a meal and a breather mixed as one.
"two birds with one stone" their manager told them with a bitter smile, which later reflects on all six of them.
they're ushered into the practice room by taecyeon, trying hard to put on a cheerful face. and though wooyoung's heart goes out to taecyeon, who manages to stay strong for all of them, wooyoung feels his eyes returning to the dark circles drawing on top of nichkhun's face long and pale.
"hyung" wooyoung tells taecyeon gently, patting him on the arm. "thanks."
taecyeon smiles. "for what?"
"just. being here."
and that's all it takes for taecyeon to kind of guess what wooyoung means.
nichkhun, never too far away, claps a hand on wooyoung's shoulder.
"wooyoung-ah" he says, smiling brightly. "you're a good kid."
and all wooyoung can say back is: "hyung. hyung..." but it is a different meaning than what he's told taecyeon.
"hyung" repeats wooyoung one more time. "khun hyung."
"hmm? what is it wooyoung-ah?"
and nichkhun's face suddenly is so pleasant and his eyes, so unassuming that wooyoung just blurts, "nothing hyung. nothing at all."
§
the somewhat fragile and burning thing in wooyoung's chest is now making itself known to wooyoung all the time. even when nichkhun's not around. and with this, wooyoung understands that he's getting more and more serious.
he still ignores it, knowing full well that he'll regret putting it off for later.
so all the rushing joy and hyper excitedness comes as a suffocating surprise when nichkhun invites wooyoung for a drink and some pocket ball.
"just you and me" says nichkhun with an exaggerated wink. so that wooyoung can't help his eyes getting bright, can't help tossing and turning in impatience for tomorrow when he's in bed that night.
§
wooyoung's all ready. he has his sunglasses (a gift from nichkhun in los angeles. wooyoung wonders if he notices). he has a light jacket wrapped around his waist in case it gets chilly later on. he has on those jeans that make his legs look kind of longer: an optical illusion. and finally, his wallet is a little fatter than usual.
nichkhun comes out of his room, talking on the phone. wooyoung's glad that nichkhun looks as excited as wooyoung feels.
but when nichkhun's cell goes snap! and closes, there's a different glint in nichkhun's eye.
"i'll tell you something good" says nichkhun, beckoning wooyoung closer. "i've invited some girls..."
it's too late when wooyoung tries to recover his smile from dropping through the floor.
"what's wrong?" asks nickhun, worry suddenly dampening nichkhun's own ecstatic look.
"nothing" says wooyoung, tossing off his sunglasses and flinging them onto the sofa. "i'm not going."
nichkhun's jaw drops and from the other side of the living room, taecyeon jumps up, tossing his game console aside.
"really? then can i go?" asks taecyeon and clings to nichkhun's arm.
wooyoung suddenly feels sick.
'there's no point. there's no point' wooyoung thinks.
and he slips into his room murmuring, "it was bad of you nichkhun hyung. very bad of you."
§
later nichkhun recounts it as something nichkhun should have gotten angry about.
"here i am trying to cheer you up by introducing you to some girls. and what do you say?" nichkhun asks rhetorically.
wooyoung bites his lower lip. nichkhun's a little drunk and taecyeon is busy organizing the new numbers in his contacts list, hunched over his phone.
but nichkhun doesn't stay mad for long.
"you should have been there" says nickhun half hugging wooyoung in an apologetic way.
but wooyoung can't bring himself to say anything. because all he remembers are nickhun's words from yesterday saying, "just you and me."
just you and me.
just you and me.
just you.
and me.
the words somehow sound more broken in his memory.
§
the following morning, nichkhun conveniently remembers his annoyance from last night.
"wooyoung."
"yes?"
"do you..."
"do i?"
there's a flutter in wooyoung's heart. like the thing that's been making a racket in his chest for so long is finally setting down.
but.
"do you like guys?"
the burning sensation gets worse like acid spills in his rib cage.
"what?"
"what?!" taecyeon echos, laughing. "don't be ridiculous."
"yeah, khun hyung" wooyoung says, not meeting nichkhun's eyes. "don't be ridiculous."
§
wooyoung believes it falls upon him to smooth things out. he's always been the one to take care of the frayed ends or nik-nacks left behind.
so he drops a bomb on four of his 2pm members.
during a broadcasted program.
"i actually dated after i debuted" wooyoung says. he makes it sound like the emcees have tricked him into it. and he is half-surprised at how natural it sounds coming out of his mouth.
"she was my junior in elementary school. i really liked her. but it didn't work out because she was studying abroad and i was busy with schedules..."
the rest of the members admit their shock after the recording is over.
"man, you should have run this by minjae hyung first. at the least" says taecyeon, but he's smiling.
wooyoung knows it's okay, but only because the relationship isn't a current thing.
"do you still love her?" junsu asks, hanging onto the words about to come from wooyoung's lips like junsu's living vicariously off of wooyoung's barely-there love life.
there's beat of hesitation before wooyoung says: "yeah" quickly enough to cover it up.
junho shakes his head. "and you still keep in touch with her?"
"yeah."
"i remember her. she was nice" says chansung. "you sent her some nice presents."
"yeah" says wooyoung. "yeah."
wooyoung's glad that nichkhun's not there for that particular recording. wooyoung thinks... no, he knows. ...that he couldn't have done it otherwise.
§
wooyoung knows taecyeon's told nichkhun about it when nichkhun gives a worried glance the following morning.
"wooyoung-ah..." nichkhun says cautiously. "sorry about the other day."
"what do you mean hyung?" wooyoung asks, knowing full well.
"about asking you if you liked guys. i didn't know you were having a hard time with your girl."
wooyoung's been expecting it, but the thing inside of him smolders then reignites brighter and hotter than before.
"it's okay, hyung" wooyoung whispers.
but when nichkhun slides past him with a quick squeeze of support on his waist side, wooyoung almost hears his heart cracking under the heat and pressure.
he feels it aching during the following days. but no one asks about wooyoung's gradual depression.
because everyone believes he or she knows why.
"it's that girl. that relationship that didn't quite work out."
and wooyoung doesn't have it in him to object.
§
minjae comes in on an off day and tells wooyoung that he should go to the studio to record.
"record what?" asks wooyoung listlessly. he doesn't feel much like singing right now.
"there's a new cf offer. and they want 2pm. we're recording the logo song."
minjae smiles. and wooyoung knows what minjae's thinking. he's thinking that wooyoung will be cheered up by the news. more cf offers means more money, means more fame, means more...
but also less. because it doesn't mean anything to wooyoung right now.
"okay" wooyoung says, trying to smile for minjae's efforts at least.
it works. and so minjae says: "okay hurry and get dressed. nichkhun's already waiting in the car."
§
wooyoung is almost laughing at the ways the world can be cruel.
it's just nichkhun, wooyoung and minjae hyung in the van. everyone else has either already recorded their part or is busy and will record later.
leave it up to nichkhun to pick a seat right next to wooyoung though every other seat is empty.
"um. khun hyung?"
"yeah?"
"don't you want to sit in the front?"
"yeah" says minjae. "someone sit in the front with me. i feel like a taxi driver."
"nah" says nichkhun, crinkling his eyes and nudging wooyoung's shoulder with his own. "i'm comfortable here."
wooyoung sighs quietly as nichkhun nestles into wooyoung's side.
'oh the irony of this cruel cruel world...'
§
wooyoung feels sick. he's never really liked unnecessary focus and right now, he's smack dab in the center of attention that he doesn't want.
"so i heard about wooyoung's love confession on television" one of the assistant producers say, wiggling an eyebrow.
nichkhun giggles. "oh you heard? yeah, isn't wooyoung cute?"
"that was pretty brave to admit it. and you didn't even say that you and her were through. you still keep in contact right?"
wooyoung mumbles the affirmative and nichkhun fluffs his hair saying something like: "don't be so shy about it."
"and i thought our wooyoung here never had an interest in girls" continues the assistant pd. "he always only hangs out with khun, so i thought..."
"hyung!" exclaims nichkhun in mock indignation. "how could you?!" but then nichkhun leans in conspiratorially and says, "that's what i suspected too but..."
they start laughing and wooyoung really feels like he's going to throw up. it's like he's on the edge of a precipice and just one little push could...
"i mean, if wooyoung did like me, that'd be horrible!" says nichkhun, still laughing with the assistant pd. "i mean, i'm technically married and wooyoung's cute and all, but not that cute...not enough for me to go for a guy!"
wooyoung feels his eyes unfocus. his eye sight goes grey. he's somehow fallen off of something he can't really describe.
so quietly, while nickhun and the pd are still talking, he slips out. he stumbles in the hallway at first. but then he runs. and runs. and runs.
§
"what has gotten into you?" asks minjae when he finds wooyoung squatting outside the studio, near the dumpster.
wooyoung's panting because he had gotten all the way to the park that bisects the distance between their apartment and the studio before he came running back.
"i think i'm sick" wooyoung says between breaths. "really, really sick."
minjae puts a hand to wooyoung's forehead, stills, then says: "i don't think you should strain yourself today. let's just wait until nichkhun's finished recording then go home."
wooyoung nods, staring out into something like oblivion. because, hey, what else is there left to do? until minjae pulls wooyoung up by the arm.
"hyung?" asks wooyoung, confused.
"let's go inside" says minjae shuddering. "it's cold out."
wooyoung jerks his arm away. "it's okay, hyung. i'll wait out here."
"you said you're sick! the cold air could make it worse."
"i feel...it's stuffy in there" says wooyoung quickly. "i'll just wait outside or in the car or something."
"and have the fans surround the van so we'll never get home? no way. come on."
wooyoung gets dragged into the studio once again. the assistant pd gives wooyoung a worried look, but luckily he can't talk. nickhun's in the recording box.
minjae calls the pd out. most likely to tell him that wooyoung can't record today. so wooyoung's left alone in the room with nichkhun on the other side of soundproof glass.
"are you okay, wooyoung-ah?" nichkhun says through the mic.
wooyoung nods, trying his best to look apologetic but not meet nichkhun's eyes at the same time.
"is...it because of that girl?"
wooyoung's head snaps up. he's getting kind of angry. because this is all nickhun's fault. and even the story about his supposed girl is all nichkhun's fault. and...
"yeah" wooyoung says, nodding his head. "it's because of her. i'm having a tough time because of her."
nichkhun taps his headphones.
"push the button before you talk wooyoung. i can't hear you remember?"
wooyoung smiles wanely, thinking: 'i know, you idiot.'
and so he says one last thing to nichkhun's face.
"with this i've said 'i love you'. with this, i've proved that you mean more to me than any stupid relationship i could ever hope for."
but of course nichkhun doesn't understand. he can't even hear.
"what"
"nichkhun hyung"
"are you"
"i"
"what are you saying?"
but there's no way things in wooyoung's chest can be put back together. so wooyoung smiles something slightly crooked and forced.
"i love"
and through the glass, nichkhun jabs the air, signalling to push the goddamn button.
"her" wooyoung finally says, pushing the button at the same time. "i love her."
his eyes never leave nichkhun's.
§
at the end of the day, nichkhun tells the rest of the members how heartbroken wooyoung is.
"let's help him. cheer him up" they suggest.
but wooyoung finds that he can't make his heart whole again.
there are pieces of affection stuck on each of his members. a piece in the way junsu shifts his eyes worriedly. a piece in the way taecyeon starts massaging wooyoung's shoulders. there's a piece stuck on junho's fist, as he gently bumps wooyoung's chest and asks, "are you okay man?"
there's a piece that chansung's dropped on his blanket when he gets up and offers to share the last of his favorite cereal.
there's even a piece of wooyoung's heart clinging innocently on minjae hyung's glasses as minjae peers into wooyoung's eyes asking: "are you sure you don't need to see a doctor?"
and wooyoung feels that there's even a piece with his elementary school crush who took the rap for everything, far far away in canada somewhere, studying to become something great. of course, there's one in its rightful place hanging somewhere near jaebum's earlobe.
finally, there's that chunk that had been nestled innocently on nichkhun's chest. he had been wearing it like a necklace. but now it's gone.
it's how wooyoung knows that he can never be made whole again. and it's how wooyoung knows that there will never be a "just you and me, wooyoung-ah".
it is how wooyoung knows it will always be, "just me. and you. just you. and me."