(no subject)
Hello,
Well, this has been a disappointing Friday night, like everyother day. This week has pretty much sucked, minus the few bright spots. The one bright spot was recieving my letter of acceptance from the University of Illinois, School of Engineering. It feels good to get that off my shoulders.
However, most of the week sucked. You know, I've talked with so many people over this whole girl-situation. After talking to some people, I don't know what I've been thinking. I think I've let my emotions get the better of me when she said she didn't want to be "just anouther girl" in my life that I like, and that only goes so far until they don't have any interest in me. I thought that I actually had a chance. I don't understand what it is about me that repulses girls. I don't understand why I can't be "that guy" in her life who will take care of her, who care for her in hard times and not, who will show her that I can offer so many good qualities. I just don't get it.
But then, I get down on myself, cause I don't understand what is it that all the other guys have that I don't. Is it cause I haven't had a girl friend and that she doesn't know if I would make a good boyfriend? Or is my hideousness blinding her to that sweet, caring, loving guy underneath that all he want's to do is live for her. That "my life" is her.
Now, you might think I was obsessing over her and wanted to marry her or something. I don't. I guess I'm like the monster of Frankenstein. I'm just looking for companionship, but in a more caring way then friendship. Trust me, I've got so many friendships. I don't think any other guy in the world has had better friends than I have right now. But it's something more. It's maintaining a strong friendship with something extra added to it. I guess the fact that I haven't dated hinders me from really knowing what that is, but I think that whatever it is, she has it.
You know, I think that maybe there is something wrong with me. And there usually is. But I really wonder why, when there are girls that say they would date without even thinking, and that I would make any girl feel like a queen. I guess she just doesn't want to take the chance or risk on me. You know, "maintain the status quo." Maybe girls just don't want take a risk on me cause of whatever reason. That really makes me sad. Oh well.
A couple of months ago, I took an on-line survey: "The ULTIMATE personality Test." I thought the caption was quite interesting. I was the "PROTECTOR," and this is what it said.
You are the rock, the keystone of your friends and family. They look to you for support and leadership. You don't push for devotion or attention, but when the situation is dire, even the idols and Exibitionsists will turn to you. You are the trusted, the loved. You have the capacity to love more deeply than any other type, and are fiercly devoted to your friends and lovers. Highly idealistic, you would sacrafice everything for a person or cause you believe in. But you trust so deeply and and compasionitly that a betrayl could shatter you. Jealousy is your downful, and sometimes you need to give people more space and not become so enamared. Be careful who you place your trust in, for a Protector's broken heart will never fully heal. The world needs more of you but you are few. And sometimes it seems like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders."
Yeah, good poem, ehy? Well, I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to not do anything and leave her to herself. I figure I'll just burn out, fade out of her sight. I'll be just another friend, which I guess is ok. Unfortunately, the "broken record" of my life and girls continues to move back and forth...starting something, but ending up with nothing. C'est la vie, right? I guess so.
So, that's it. Well, I hope that out of all the people who read this, the one it was meant for will. Yeah, well, now, I will go and travel the road that I have traveled on the past 17 years of my life, and go on living without that someone who brings a smile to my mouth, butterflies to my stomach, and that warm feeling to my heart.
Well, this has been a disappointing Friday night, like everyother day. This week has pretty much sucked, minus the few bright spots. The one bright spot was recieving my letter of acceptance from the University of Illinois, School of Engineering. It feels good to get that off my shoulders.
However, most of the week sucked. You know, I've talked with so many people over this whole girl-situation. After talking to some people, I don't know what I've been thinking. I think I've let my emotions get the better of me when she said she didn't want to be "just anouther girl" in my life that I like, and that only goes so far until they don't have any interest in me. I thought that I actually had a chance. I don't understand what it is about me that repulses girls. I don't understand why I can't be "that guy" in her life who will take care of her, who care for her in hard times and not, who will show her that I can offer so many good qualities. I just don't get it.
But then, I get down on myself, cause I don't understand what is it that all the other guys have that I don't. Is it cause I haven't had a girl friend and that she doesn't know if I would make a good boyfriend? Or is my hideousness blinding her to that sweet, caring, loving guy underneath that all he want's to do is live for her. That "my life" is her.
Now, you might think I was obsessing over her and wanted to marry her or something. I don't. I guess I'm like the monster of Frankenstein. I'm just looking for companionship, but in a more caring way then friendship. Trust me, I've got so many friendships. I don't think any other guy in the world has had better friends than I have right now. But it's something more. It's maintaining a strong friendship with something extra added to it. I guess the fact that I haven't dated hinders me from really knowing what that is, but I think that whatever it is, she has it.
You know, I think that maybe there is something wrong with me. And there usually is. But I really wonder why, when there are girls that say they would date without even thinking, and that I would make any girl feel like a queen. I guess she just doesn't want to take the chance or risk on me. You know, "maintain the status quo." Maybe girls just don't want take a risk on me cause of whatever reason. That really makes me sad. Oh well.
A couple of months ago, I took an on-line survey: "The ULTIMATE personality Test." I thought the caption was quite interesting. I was the "PROTECTOR," and this is what it said.
You are the rock, the keystone of your friends and family. They look to you for support and leadership. You don't push for devotion or attention, but when the situation is dire, even the idols and Exibitionsists will turn to you. You are the trusted, the loved. You have the capacity to love more deeply than any other type, and are fiercly devoted to your friends and lovers. Highly idealistic, you would sacrafice everything for a person or cause you believe in. But you trust so deeply and and compasionitly that a betrayl could shatter you. Jealousy is your downful, and sometimes you need to give people more space and not become so enamared. Be careful who you place your trust in, for a Protector's broken heart will never fully heal. The world needs more of you but you are few. And sometimes it seems like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders."
Yeah, good poem, ehy? Well, I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to not do anything and leave her to herself. I figure I'll just burn out, fade out of her sight. I'll be just another friend, which I guess is ok. Unfortunately, the "broken record" of my life and girls continues to move back and forth...starting something, but ending up with nothing. C'est la vie, right? I guess so.
So, that's it. Well, I hope that out of all the people who read this, the one it was meant for will. Yeah, well, now, I will go and travel the road that I have traveled on the past 17 years of my life, and go on living without that someone who brings a smile to my mouth, butterflies to my stomach, and that warm feeling to my heart.