(no subject)
lauren and keith are together now.. i wouldnt wish a better person for eachother than them.. however.. i can't help but feel that same sting that i feel everytime one of my best friends gets a boyfriend.. and this time alike to many other times - its with another of my best friends.. i try to understand that this is the fact of life.. but i cant help but feel abandoned ... cuz that's how it's turned out everytime... unfortunately they just walked into a huge stronghold and struggle in my life.. so .. what happens next.. how can i be happy for them... when it's sheerly something amiss inside of me...
i think it's not so much the fact that i loose my girlfriends.. but especially i usually completely loose my guyfriends cuz they've now found what they've been looking for and no longer need me... and this time it was with keith...
Last night at church... was the first time i cried there.. like really cried.. in my heart... it was the late service..and as i was standing there.. singing... i had a picture of God, of a younger man.. so it may have been Jesus - whatever I know it was God - and he was directly infront of me and his hands were reached over to my cheeks and he was holding them, and his eyes were staring directly into mine, and I tried to look over to the side of me and saw lauren and keith over there and the rest of the world beside me.. and i tried to be like - but you have to pay attention to so many other people.. why would you be absolutely focused on me... and i tried to turn my head but he held onto my face making it impossible and continued locking his eyes onto mine.. everyone else has someone... I felt God saying not to look away this time.. not to look to them.. cuz all i will ever be is abandoned ... people will only abandon me... in the end... be it through their death or even while they are alive...and i started to realize why i am a christian - cuz he's the only way i will never be abandoned..the only way that that cycle can end... the only way any deadly cycle can end... babies raising babies broken raising broken raising broken ... when and how could it ever stop... well i'm sick of crying and i'm sick of the sting in my heart and i dont want to put my kids through that - how can you heal on your own? when you'll only be abandoned? the only way is through God to step in... and make all things new... a fresh beginning and a fresh end...
the only way i can beat this... is to stare into his eyes and not look away... and for him to not let me look away... i'm so used to people paying attention to me, but not really actually paying attention to me.. i'm there, they know it.. so they are allowed to continue paying attention to everyone else - and it's comfortable... heh.. on my birthday party night at the chilli's .. i was enjoying a cigarrette with rich and his friend and rich was done his cigg so he went back into the non-smoking section so i was left there with his buddy.. and his buddy said something that totally threw me offguard.. he's like "You should talk more." i'm like What?! thinkin in my mind - i am talking alot! alot more than i thought.. i dont even know what he said after that... cuz i was so thrown off.. cuz then i ws like - uh oh, he sees through my facade... heh.. i'm still so .. confused as to where that came from... but it must have been from God - b/c it stabbed into me. i wont be able to get through all my life pretending like i'm speaking... that wont work in my marriage.. or in any relationship i'm in...
i think i've lived by... if i speak.. then someone else can't speak... so why not let them speak.. it's safe for me and it's good for them... then i cant look retarded...
but God's hands on my face.. i can't hide... and when he asks me to speak... he's going to listen...to me.. bare skin.. bearing it all... he wants to hear me speak...
satan tried to take away my voice, he attacked me where my heart was - he lied to me and said i was never good enough and i believed those lies... i believed the lies... God wants to hear me speak... satan's tried to defeat me and my voice since i was very young... telling me what i say really actually means nothing.. my whole life has been that... why would he try so hard .. unless he knows that what i have to say needs to be heard....
so yea. this is hard. speaking gives self-worth... it's a risk... ... i think i might have a lot of 'belief' in my voice.. when i speak.. i think that might be why i am able to sell things.. i could never be at my job if i didnt speak.. but i hide behind the fact that that's what i need to say... when it comes to anything else - i stumble, i'm human, my pulse rises and i want to get out of that situation asap... he's tried to destroy my will to speak... God's wanting to save it. but it's not my voice, it's God's voice through mine.....
i can't look away this time
humans will let me down
they'll say something or they wont say anything at all
i'm going to start speaking to God ... cuz he's what I need.
i think it's not so much the fact that i loose my girlfriends.. but especially i usually completely loose my guyfriends cuz they've now found what they've been looking for and no longer need me... and this time it was with keith...
Last night at church... was the first time i cried there.. like really cried.. in my heart... it was the late service..and as i was standing there.. singing... i had a picture of God, of a younger man.. so it may have been Jesus - whatever I know it was God - and he was directly infront of me and his hands were reached over to my cheeks and he was holding them, and his eyes were staring directly into mine, and I tried to look over to the side of me and saw lauren and keith over there and the rest of the world beside me.. and i tried to be like - but you have to pay attention to so many other people.. why would you be absolutely focused on me... and i tried to turn my head but he held onto my face making it impossible and continued locking his eyes onto mine.. everyone else has someone... I felt God saying not to look away this time.. not to look to them.. cuz all i will ever be is abandoned ... people will only abandon me... in the end... be it through their death or even while they are alive...and i started to realize why i am a christian - cuz he's the only way i will never be abandoned..the only way that that cycle can end... the only way any deadly cycle can end... babies raising babies broken raising broken raising broken ... when and how could it ever stop... well i'm sick of crying and i'm sick of the sting in my heart and i dont want to put my kids through that - how can you heal on your own? when you'll only be abandoned? the only way is through God to step in... and make all things new... a fresh beginning and a fresh end...
the only way i can beat this... is to stare into his eyes and not look away... and for him to not let me look away... i'm so used to people paying attention to me, but not really actually paying attention to me.. i'm there, they know it.. so they are allowed to continue paying attention to everyone else - and it's comfortable... heh.. on my birthday party night at the chilli's .. i was enjoying a cigarrette with rich and his friend and rich was done his cigg so he went back into the non-smoking section so i was left there with his buddy.. and his buddy said something that totally threw me offguard.. he's like "You should talk more." i'm like What?! thinkin in my mind - i am talking alot! alot more than i thought.. i dont even know what he said after that... cuz i was so thrown off.. cuz then i ws like - uh oh, he sees through my facade... heh.. i'm still so .. confused as to where that came from... but it must have been from God - b/c it stabbed into me. i wont be able to get through all my life pretending like i'm speaking... that wont work in my marriage.. or in any relationship i'm in...
i think i've lived by... if i speak.. then someone else can't speak... so why not let them speak.. it's safe for me and it's good for them... then i cant look retarded...
but God's hands on my face.. i can't hide... and when he asks me to speak... he's going to listen...to me.. bare skin.. bearing it all... he wants to hear me speak...
satan tried to take away my voice, he attacked me where my heart was - he lied to me and said i was never good enough and i believed those lies... i believed the lies... God wants to hear me speak... satan's tried to defeat me and my voice since i was very young... telling me what i say really actually means nothing.. my whole life has been that... why would he try so hard .. unless he knows that what i have to say needs to be heard....
so yea. this is hard. speaking gives self-worth... it's a risk... ... i think i might have a lot of 'belief' in my voice.. when i speak.. i think that might be why i am able to sell things.. i could never be at my job if i didnt speak.. but i hide behind the fact that that's what i need to say... when it comes to anything else - i stumble, i'm human, my pulse rises and i want to get out of that situation asap... he's tried to destroy my will to speak... God's wanting to save it. but it's not my voice, it's God's voice through mine.....
i can't look away this time
humans will let me down
they'll say something or they wont say anything at all
i'm going to start speaking to God ... cuz he's what I need.