(no subject)
It's her hand clenching the purse strap and the other moving free. The lipring complementing the long coat of colors three. It's his hands in his pockets bulging with the heat. It's the way they nonchalantly walk across the street.
It was beautiful when I saw the actual motions. The girl with the lip-ring is in my Brit-Lit class. She has glasses and wears this long coat with red hues. She is very frail looking. Her arms are very thin. She has a small voice. I think her name is Elizabeth, which is somewhat suiting. There's another girl in the same class who goes by Liz instead of Elizabeth, which seems more fitting because she is strong.
Elizabeth - shy;
Liz - confident;
Beth - both; (The Beth of both worlds...)
Sean - who knows. Fat, irish, outgoing when pumped with liquor.
I want to sleep, but I need to work on a program...again, just like every Tuesday. I fail to do homework at home because I have come to enjoy the company of my mom and step-dad. I feel lost when they aren't there. I'm worried about them for some reason. I'm worried about when they will die and I won't be able to spend time with them. I think that's something dragging me down. I just want to go home at night. I know I'm an adult and I know they don't care what I do, but I care. I don't want them to think I have forgotten them. Maybe it's that they are trying to pay for my tuition. Coupled with that is this overwhelming feeling that I have no idea why I'm going to college. I think about how if that feeling consumes me completely, I will begin failing, and all the money they have invested in me will have gone to waste.
My stomach hurts today. Actually, it hurts every time I sit in this stupid commuter center. I think it's the smell of the unnatural here. I can't remember high school not smelling natural. Sure, there were the kids that smelled and the cafeteria smelling, but they were alright. This place smells different. Maybe, it's just because I grew into three years of high school smells. I also grew into three years of high school codes of conduct where there were people hounding the kids to not do this and not do that. Here, nobody says anything. There's no order. It's the real world and I think that frightens me. Actually, I think it could be that this area is highly saturated with young people. Young stupid people. Young stupid self-centered people. Young stupid arrogant self-centered people. Young stupid arrogant self-centered and self-consumed people.
I realize this only represents the majority and that there are probably genuine people here, but I just don't see them. I guess this is college, where you have to fend for yourself so much that you begin losing your sense of kindness, manner, and control. Good luck if you're looking forward to that.
I wish the couple in the corner would find another place to discover what they have in common musically.
Yea, I think I will sleep a little. I'm drifting off as it is. Hopefully a nap will regenerate me by 11 so I can work on my program. I said "Hey, processing is going to be awesome!" but like always, I lose so much steam that, even in the first month of the class, I'm hating it. I don't know what to do, there's no direction, it's all based on how creative you can be and I'm not feeling creative. Even if I was feeling creative, I would be afraid of being too creative and showing someone up. I'm afraid of ambition and I'm afraid of showing people up (I know it sounds rather egotistical of me to say this as if to assume I would inherently show everyone up by what I could do and maybe that is my fatal flaw). This is what is killing me.
And wow. A wave of happiness came over me. I looked forward to my hour of Scrubs tonight and I felt a lot better. I think I need something to look forward to. I'm also thinking that a lot of people need this and this is the reason they believe in heaven. If when we die, we simply join the earth, the natural world, I don't think a lot of people would look forward to that. I want to say I look forward to that, but I don't. I look forward to myself reincarnated. I look forward to an attempt at travelling up the karma totem pole. I don't really like this form. It's not the one I'm best suited for. I think I'd enjoy being some type of animal, a woman, or a giant evergreen tree. I'd be suitable as a blade of grass.
Anyway, I'm happy when I have something to look forward to. Like life without "homework" and grades and with family and friends.
Like taking a nap despite the fact I know I need to work. Like letting go of those types of things and knowing that I'm not going to die if I don't. My next class is not the end of the world. She is not the end of my world. Friends, or lack thereof, are not the end of the world. There's so much more.
It was beautiful when I saw the actual motions. The girl with the lip-ring is in my Brit-Lit class. She has glasses and wears this long coat with red hues. She is very frail looking. Her arms are very thin. She has a small voice. I think her name is Elizabeth, which is somewhat suiting. There's another girl in the same class who goes by Liz instead of Elizabeth, which seems more fitting because she is strong.
Elizabeth - shy;
Liz - confident;
Beth - both; (The Beth of both worlds...)
Sean - who knows. Fat, irish, outgoing when pumped with liquor.
I want to sleep, but I need to work on a program...again, just like every Tuesday. I fail to do homework at home because I have come to enjoy the company of my mom and step-dad. I feel lost when they aren't there. I'm worried about them for some reason. I'm worried about when they will die and I won't be able to spend time with them. I think that's something dragging me down. I just want to go home at night. I know I'm an adult and I know they don't care what I do, but I care. I don't want them to think I have forgotten them. Maybe it's that they are trying to pay for my tuition. Coupled with that is this overwhelming feeling that I have no idea why I'm going to college. I think about how if that feeling consumes me completely, I will begin failing, and all the money they have invested in me will have gone to waste.
My stomach hurts today. Actually, it hurts every time I sit in this stupid commuter center. I think it's the smell of the unnatural here. I can't remember high school not smelling natural. Sure, there were the kids that smelled and the cafeteria smelling, but they were alright. This place smells different. Maybe, it's just because I grew into three years of high school smells. I also grew into three years of high school codes of conduct where there were people hounding the kids to not do this and not do that. Here, nobody says anything. There's no order. It's the real world and I think that frightens me. Actually, I think it could be that this area is highly saturated with young people. Young stupid people. Young stupid self-centered people. Young stupid arrogant self-centered people. Young stupid arrogant self-centered and self-consumed people.
I realize this only represents the majority and that there are probably genuine people here, but I just don't see them. I guess this is college, where you have to fend for yourself so much that you begin losing your sense of kindness, manner, and control. Good luck if you're looking forward to that.
I wish the couple in the corner would find another place to discover what they have in common musically.
Yea, I think I will sleep a little. I'm drifting off as it is. Hopefully a nap will regenerate me by 11 so I can work on my program. I said "Hey, processing is going to be awesome!" but like always, I lose so much steam that, even in the first month of the class, I'm hating it. I don't know what to do, there's no direction, it's all based on how creative you can be and I'm not feeling creative. Even if I was feeling creative, I would be afraid of being too creative and showing someone up. I'm afraid of ambition and I'm afraid of showing people up (I know it sounds rather egotistical of me to say this as if to assume I would inherently show everyone up by what I could do and maybe that is my fatal flaw). This is what is killing me.
And wow. A wave of happiness came over me. I looked forward to my hour of Scrubs tonight and I felt a lot better. I think I need something to look forward to. I'm also thinking that a lot of people need this and this is the reason they believe in heaven. If when we die, we simply join the earth, the natural world, I don't think a lot of people would look forward to that. I want to say I look forward to that, but I don't. I look forward to myself reincarnated. I look forward to an attempt at travelling up the karma totem pole. I don't really like this form. It's not the one I'm best suited for. I think I'd enjoy being some type of animal, a woman, or a giant evergreen tree. I'd be suitable as a blade of grass.
Anyway, I'm happy when I have something to look forward to. Like life without "homework" and grades and with family and friends.
Like taking a nap despite the fact I know I need to work. Like letting go of those types of things and knowing that I'm not going to die if I don't. My next class is not the end of the world. She is not the end of my world. Friends, or lack thereof, are not the end of the world. There's so much more.