my fears
if i could only express the inner battles in a way that could be understood by whoever reads this. i'm really scared...
for the last year and little over four months, i couldn't be happier with stephen. but now i'm afraid, dead afraid of losing him to my own selfishness and need to be better all the time. almost every time i'm on the phone with him, we have some kind of heated arguement that ends us both in tears and my wanting to slit every piece of flesh on my body. its my fault that we are having such distance issues. if it weren't for my damned pride i'd be home right now, safe away in his arms, but no, i have to keep pushing myself to finish what i've started. and when i push myself, i push him too, but in the opposite direction. its bad enough we have about 200miles inbetween us, but i keep hurting him and pushing him farther away. i love him, so much...but what the hell is wrong with me!?!
now there are these battles within my mind and heart. there is a peice of my brain that keeps telling me that we can't do this anymore, and it starts saying things like "leave him now, there will be less pain" and "your too young, you have to test the waters" and all that other bullshit. then the rest of my brain and my heart just scream and fight back with "you love him, shut the hell up!" and shit like that. it all makes me so confused and afraid. mostly afraid.
it feels wrong to look ahead and not see him there, in my future. i mean, come on, i've fucking had visions of our little boy and of the handfasting, not intentionally, of course. i've had them in the middle of passions. and i cry every time i'm in his arms when i do happen to see him, and i cry and he holds me and tells me its okay, and hushes me until i'm done breaking down. we are supposed to be together, so why is all this happening to us? haven't we been through enough with all of my "testing to see if he is a threat" bullshit?! i mean, its a wonder he hasn't left me as it is! you know what he said? he says that he's still here with me, even after all the shit we've been through, and that he's not going anywhere unless i am the one to do it, and even then he would hold on. he sees us together like i do. i guess the only thing to do is stick it though. everything happens for a reason... the universe just keeps sending shit towards us, testing us, but for what? doesn't everyone know how in live we are! *sigh*
i'm scared...if theres any advice out there...i'm not about to block it.
blessed be.
-jessi
for the last year and little over four months, i couldn't be happier with stephen. but now i'm afraid, dead afraid of losing him to my own selfishness and need to be better all the time. almost every time i'm on the phone with him, we have some kind of heated arguement that ends us both in tears and my wanting to slit every piece of flesh on my body. its my fault that we are having such distance issues. if it weren't for my damned pride i'd be home right now, safe away in his arms, but no, i have to keep pushing myself to finish what i've started. and when i push myself, i push him too, but in the opposite direction. its bad enough we have about 200miles inbetween us, but i keep hurting him and pushing him farther away. i love him, so much...but what the hell is wrong with me!?!
now there are these battles within my mind and heart. there is a peice of my brain that keeps telling me that we can't do this anymore, and it starts saying things like "leave him now, there will be less pain" and "your too young, you have to test the waters" and all that other bullshit. then the rest of my brain and my heart just scream and fight back with "you love him, shut the hell up!" and shit like that. it all makes me so confused and afraid. mostly afraid.
it feels wrong to look ahead and not see him there, in my future. i mean, come on, i've fucking had visions of our little boy and of the handfasting, not intentionally, of course. i've had them in the middle of passions. and i cry every time i'm in his arms when i do happen to see him, and i cry and he holds me and tells me its okay, and hushes me until i'm done breaking down. we are supposed to be together, so why is all this happening to us? haven't we been through enough with all of my "testing to see if he is a threat" bullshit?! i mean, its a wonder he hasn't left me as it is! you know what he said? he says that he's still here with me, even after all the shit we've been through, and that he's not going anywhere unless i am the one to do it, and even then he would hold on. he sees us together like i do. i guess the only thing to do is stick it though. everything happens for a reason... the universe just keeps sending shit towards us, testing us, but for what? doesn't everyone know how in live we are! *sigh*
i'm scared...if theres any advice out there...i'm not about to block it.
blessed be.
-jessi