muserlings
My boss thinks I'm doing a great job and is happy with me. My bosses always like me, to be all conceited about it :). Sometimes I agree that I'm doing well and taking it all quite seriously and giving it my best. Like now, pretty much. Other times I'm not sure completely where they're coming from, but as long as they're always thinking it!
If only it helped me get a winter job.. The wondering as to where I'll be or what I'll be doing next winter is already on. My sister and I are hoping to spend it together again. Probably in country this time.
My housemates sometimes get to me. Particularly one, the way she talks, and the way she neglects her dishes and leaves her shit around to go hang out with people all the time. The way all 3 found so full of themselves in their confidence, like their better than others that work with us. It's good to he confident in yourself though I guess... maybe I don't sell myself outwardly enough. The 3 of them talk about sex- a LOT. It gets annoying. One's having it, the other two wish they were and go over their past exploits. And here I am, feeling like a loser in general (well, just sort of cause hey I'm the "veteran" amongst us, and I am older, and I do feel more mature), for I haven't had lots of past, or current, sex. And it gets to me all the time inwardly, that and the lack of relationshipage they always go over too, oh and they're all younger than me of course- one almost 8 years, 1- the one I talk to and hang out with by far the most- like 7 years younger.
And two are new to being rangers and have GS levels three higher than mine, because they know birds and French. which would it be easier for me to learn quickly, birds or French? Neither, really. I don't feel like I pick up on language readily, and I can't spot birds well. I don't want to always be the one left behind on the bottom rung while others blow right past me. I want to move up some for next year. We'll see if that's somehow possible next year... unlikely. Too bad it doesn't matter what regard my bosses have for me.
When I'm looking good to myself in the mirror and feeling sexual, it really sucks not to have someone else around to notice that, or have the ability to pursue getting with another person I could look that way at too. And the okcupid nonsense goes nowhere......girls just quit responding, or we talk on and off and never meet, and weekend after weekend goes by with me having to fill my time by myself, and I know I should get outside and be active and see and do shit so my days off don't feel wasted yet again, but it's depressing doing it all alone, no one else to care or enjoy it. I'm not depressed lately, I'm really not, but it's still depressing.
Speaking of which, I went cold turkey off my pills about a month ago, and I thought that would be bad news, but I've noticed no difference. I'd thought they'd made a significant impact. Maybe they've changed something in my system more permanently... I wonder if that can happen. I'm still having intricate dreams that seem to affect, or be affected by, my sleep though, and I thought that was from the meds.
Work has been going well. I feel like I've been getting around to stuff I never got to last year. I'm learning the summer constellations. I'm nothing but single. Ever. I'm turning the dreaded next decade in a month and don't want to just yet. I need something more to happen on the "dating" front before then.
I go to a couple weekly socializing events or so, and I'm watching Buffy all the way through with my housemate. Beer Bad was our last episode. God, that one really is bad. I'm embarrassed for the actors. Watched the Veronica Mars movie and read the first book too. Good stuff, particularly Veronica and Logan.
This area is still really pretty, with endless places to explore, unlike how I felt in the spring. And then I lay on my bed in my room till noon, not getting out into it. People are still their oh-so-confident, I want things my way selves. And still no one all that close. No one I particularly yearn to be.
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