Some questions for the peanut gallery
1. If a friend came to you about a subject you strongly disagreed with them on, how would you handle it? Would you give them your honest opinion or would you tell them what they want to hear
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In this particular situation, Person A was in a relationship with Person B until they broke up. Person A asks Person C for advice. Person C gives it but Person A doesn't take it and keeps coming to Person C about the issue. Person C cares about Person A but conversations about Person B are becoming very stressful and has reached their limit of what they're willing to listen to or advise on the issue. Person C asks that Person A stop coming to them about Person B. Person A tells Person C that this is a childish, irrational request. As for the conflicting opinion, Person C thinks Person A is wasting opportunities for personal growth and further happiness by clinging to their relationship with Person B. Person A does not agree with this and seeks to change Person C's mind about the relationship with Person B. However, Person C has their own issues to work through and is no longer in a position to help Person A on this matter. Person A and Person C wind up having an argument in which neither side can convincingly explain themselves to the other. A mutual agreement to not speak of Person B to each other ever again is reached.
It's a little more complicated than what I described but that's the basic gist of it.
(For the record, I'm Person C in this scenario. I know there are some things I could have handled better so I was curious about what others would do in this situation).
As for the rest, my initial response was to examine my reaction as well which was how I came to the conclusion that I had some things I still needed to work through myself. Personally, I wouldn't take offense if someone had a negative opinion on my relationship with an SO. I'd listen and think through it first so I was really puzzled that this person thought my opinion was very offensive.
That's my take on kindness as well. It takes more thought to do the kind thing than the nice thing. An act of kindness has more impact in the long-term, I think. Personally, I'd rather be known as a kind person than a nice person, honestly.
Yeah, I hope I feel better soon. I've decided that if I'm not showing much more improvement by Monday, I'm making an appointment to see a doctor.
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It sounds as though Person A in this situation is trying to be "right." In order for someone to be "right," someone else must be "wrong" (Person B, Person C, possibly both Person B and Person C). The trouble is, a person who wants to be "right" will not stop arguing until they are either a) satisfied that they are "right" or b) are satisfied that it is irrelevant. Right now, I understand that there is a mutual "no speaking" agreement which works just as well for avoiding "rightness" or "wrongness" in a situation.
My mom once explained it to me like this: imagine Person A and Person C are looking at a coffee mug. Person C is facing toward the side with the handle of the mug, Person A is not. If asked to describe the mug, Person C would say that the mug had a handle, but Person A would gladly argue them to the death that there was no handle on the mug - their side does not have a handle. Once both sides can let go of being "right," Person A can start to see that one side has a handle and Person C can see that one side does not.
Long story short, the only thing I know in my experience that might have helped in this situation, and you might even have done this, is to just say, "I understand and I support you." Or, essentially, "I get that your side of the mug has a handle." And most importantly, leave it at that.
Something to remember about someone taking offense is that they are not taking offense to what you said. They are feeling offense as a result of an emotional reaction they experience because of what they tell THEMSELF when you state your opinion. For example, let's say that I was really insecure about my legs and you told me you thought my legs looked great. Even though this was a compliment, my brain might still say, "she is just lying, my legs look horrible, she must want something from me if she's lying to me." And then your compliment suddenly becomes problematic despite the fact that you were well-intentioned and had no IDEA I took offense. (And if I told you I was offended, you would have no idea what the hell was going on - and rightfully so.)
Regardless, something I appreciate about you is that you really do want the best for people. I think it's both an excellent quality and one that can be very frustrating both for you and for the people you're worried about. It goes back to the mug analogy - what you see as best, your truth, is not always their truth as well. And sometimes people need to fall - we need to let them fall - and just make sure they know that we'll be there when they reach out to us if they do.
Feel better, then. ♥ You're in my thoughts. :)
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