week of the exes
Ok, lately my exes are haunting me... not really.. well sort of... well, anyway, here's the story (or should I say stories):
Logan called me tonight and asked me for advice about his girl problems and we actually talked like friends. Wow. I mean, I truly don't dislike him anymore- at all. That's insane. I really really disliked him last summer (I could never say "hate", because I dont know of anyone that I hate, it would really take a lot for me to hate someone). But anyway... it could be because we lived together and he was a complete asshole then (that I disliked him so much last summer). But he seriously has changed- like a lot. He's motivated, knows what he wants, is optomistic and doesnt take stuff lying down anymore, and he actually treats his girlfriend like gold without stifling her. I surprised myself with my inner dialogue tonight, which was saying, "Gee.. if he was like that when WE were dating..." I can't even believe it. Not that I want him back- at all.. i guess i'm just kind of wistful for someone to care about me like that. Why do the people i date always seem to change for the better AFTER we break up? Is it like a prerequisite: you have to date maria to learn how to be a better girlfriend/boyfriend? if that's the case, i'd have to say i definitely got the shaft on that one! Still, I never thought I'd have ANY kind of missing him feeling at ALL, and I consistently am wrong... this isnt the first time I've thought I might have missed him a little. Why? I dont get it.. we're so different.. and he was so.. psycho! If someone would have told me I'd be thinking things like this at this time last year, I would have told them there was no chance in hell. Funny how life is, isnt it? I think it's just because I'm lonely... I usually am arent I? I'm too damn independant and set in my ways... And he WAS a big part of my life that summer, so naturally I think of him when I'm lonely sometimes- right? Not to worry-- I'm aware of these jumbled feelings, and I'm doing my best to keep a clear head. No matter how much he seems to have changed, I'm NOT making that mistake again. We really are too different, and anyway, its not like I saw those changes with my own eyes! Anyone can misrepresent themselves after all... Anyway, we ended with saying that we would keep in touch and he promised to give me advice the next time I need it. I mean, maybe it's just that he's turned into such a nice GUY... I can't get over how much he seems to have changed though... it's a total mind trip... Thank goodness he lives in Pennsylvania!
And then there is Lenny. It's been on my conscience to call him all summer, first because I wanted to be honest with him that I was talking to someone else, and that he shouldnt get his hopes up for the fall... but then we had a half-assed phone conversation at the end of may and I was like "screw this.. I dont owe him anything". Basically, I'm so jaded that I thought he was just messing with me the entire time he was saying he loved me... like he said it when I was in Akron to get me back and now that I'm in Buffalo, he can't talk to me for more than 5 minutes on the phone? So I said 'forget it' for a little while. Then, little by little he's seeped back into my consciousness... not that I want him back.. because I really dont think that we were meant to be together- again, we're far too different -and at such different places in our lives. But, maybe it was a combination of things ending with me & michelle, and the fact that I was looking through a lot of recent journal entries in an effort to understand what's been going on in this crazy head of mine that's got me so messed up these past few months... and well... he was in there. a lot. i really thought I could love him once. Surprise? Seems like i think that about everyone lately. Not a good thing, maria. Not at all.. gotta cut down on that.... ugh.... Anyway, i took those entries about Lenny with a grain of salt (thankfully, gee... maybe i'm getting smarter...), but ultimately i think what made me call him tonight was the guilt of remembering him telling me he loved me (whether he was sincere or not, i still dont know beyond a shadow of a doubt), and then kinda leaving him hanging all summer. i thought to myself a few nights ago, 'maybe he's too scared to call me this summer.. he knows I wanted time to myself to think about everything'. Well, when it comes down to it, I'm too goddamn nice to leave someone hanging, and i usually end up believing the excuses i make for people... but those are the facts. Interestingly enough, he seemed jubilant to get my call! Not nervous, not awkward, not rushed... all of the reactions I expected from someone who put his heart on the line, and hasnt heard from me since (with the exception of the half-assed phone call- and dont ask me how that fits into the scheme, because i couldnt begin to tell you what it means). Anyway, his voice was so cheerful- he asked me right away how my summer was, and expressed sincere sympathy about my foot. He told me he was out with a friend just then and I said I could let him go and we could talk another time. He promptly made plans to call me tomorrow around noon. He sounded so assertive, so happy, so confident. I havent seen that in him in a while. Funny- that was what first attracted me to him... And it will be good to catch up with him tomorrow... but dont worry, of course i still have the truth in my head: we're TOO different. I just hope it doesnt hurt too much when i have to tell him this tomorrow. One of two things is likely to happen:
1) he's happy because he's moved on, so my telling him won't affect him very much (which actually seems quite likely given his reactions and behavior of late)
2) he's happy because he really misses me and thinks i'm calling because i might want something with him again, and he will be very sad and disappointed tomorrow when i have to tell him that i dont think there is a future for us.
naturally, I'm rooting for option #1, so keep your fingers crossed for me.
then there's Heather. ugh- its not even worth spending much time on, because she's so incredibly fickle and flighty. I seriously dont know why i bother with her sometimes, and i'm SERIOUSLY about ready to give up on her. She contacts me randomly a month ago and says she wants to come visit me in buffalo (shes in colombus ohio mind you), and then i dont hear from her for weeks. Last week who contacts who? no, not her: me. (why? because I'm an idealistic pushover idiot --i dont know!) i asked her what happened to her, why hadnt i heard from her? She said that she still wanted to visit and that she's been busy (dating a 16 year old girl, of course), but could she come two weekends from now? Of course she could (why wouldnt i let her? ugh!), but I had to know within a few days so that I could ask off work. Of course she hasnt gotten back in touch with me since (and she's supposed to come a week from yesterday). Stupid me assumes that she really DOES want to come visit and I find out that I wont be working that weekend anyway.. so who contacts who yet again? oh yes, thats me- the genius. I IM her. I email her. No response. WTF?? You know what? I dont have time for her games. I dont have the strength, the will, or the heart to deal with it anymore. So here's what's going to happen. Once next weekend passes (assuming it passes without me hearing a single word from her), I am taking her name off of my buddy list and her number out of my phone (not that she lives with her parents anymore -but still). Seriously though. I dont need to be reminded of her. I need to forget that she exists... because she's done a pretty damn good job of proving to me that she doesnt know how to keep in touch, keep up a friendship, give ANYTHING resembling friendship back to me, and that she's a master of the disappearing act. so it's time to take matters into my own hands. she's not the only one who can disappear. I might take this approach with Michelle too. Ugh- why is it that the two girls I realllly like (or LIKED) not only look alike, but both screwed me over for their exes, suck at being my friend, won't tell me how they feel about ANYTHING, and force me to pretend they dont exist just so i can hope for them to miss me (ha!) and decide to grace me with their attention?? What the hell???? I obviously dont have any luck with women. Men and transmen are apparently a lot more hip with dating me -or becoming obsessed with me! Christ! I haven't even begun to talk about John (from LGBTU), but he's not an ex, so he can't be in this entry! Whew- I think I'm done venting for the night. Just too much crazy ex stuff for one week... it was starting to get uncanny, so I had to write it down. Hope this entry has been somewhat entertaining... or something...
life is crazy!!
Logan called me tonight and asked me for advice about his girl problems and we actually talked like friends. Wow. I mean, I truly don't dislike him anymore- at all. That's insane. I really really disliked him last summer (I could never say "hate", because I dont know of anyone that I hate, it would really take a lot for me to hate someone). But anyway... it could be because we lived together and he was a complete asshole then (that I disliked him so much last summer). But he seriously has changed- like a lot. He's motivated, knows what he wants, is optomistic and doesnt take stuff lying down anymore, and he actually treats his girlfriend like gold without stifling her. I surprised myself with my inner dialogue tonight, which was saying, "Gee.. if he was like that when WE were dating..." I can't even believe it. Not that I want him back- at all.. i guess i'm just kind of wistful for someone to care about me like that. Why do the people i date always seem to change for the better AFTER we break up? Is it like a prerequisite: you have to date maria to learn how to be a better girlfriend/boyfriend? if that's the case, i'd have to say i definitely got the shaft on that one! Still, I never thought I'd have ANY kind of missing him feeling at ALL, and I consistently am wrong... this isnt the first time I've thought I might have missed him a little. Why? I dont get it.. we're so different.. and he was so.. psycho! If someone would have told me I'd be thinking things like this at this time last year, I would have told them there was no chance in hell. Funny how life is, isnt it? I think it's just because I'm lonely... I usually am arent I? I'm too damn independant and set in my ways... And he WAS a big part of my life that summer, so naturally I think of him when I'm lonely sometimes- right? Not to worry-- I'm aware of these jumbled feelings, and I'm doing my best to keep a clear head. No matter how much he seems to have changed, I'm NOT making that mistake again. We really are too different, and anyway, its not like I saw those changes with my own eyes! Anyone can misrepresent themselves after all... Anyway, we ended with saying that we would keep in touch and he promised to give me advice the next time I need it. I mean, maybe it's just that he's turned into such a nice GUY... I can't get over how much he seems to have changed though... it's a total mind trip... Thank goodness he lives in Pennsylvania!
And then there is Lenny. It's been on my conscience to call him all summer, first because I wanted to be honest with him that I was talking to someone else, and that he shouldnt get his hopes up for the fall... but then we had a half-assed phone conversation at the end of may and I was like "screw this.. I dont owe him anything". Basically, I'm so jaded that I thought he was just messing with me the entire time he was saying he loved me... like he said it when I was in Akron to get me back and now that I'm in Buffalo, he can't talk to me for more than 5 minutes on the phone? So I said 'forget it' for a little while. Then, little by little he's seeped back into my consciousness... not that I want him back.. because I really dont think that we were meant to be together- again, we're far too different -and at such different places in our lives. But, maybe it was a combination of things ending with me & michelle, and the fact that I was looking through a lot of recent journal entries in an effort to understand what's been going on in this crazy head of mine that's got me so messed up these past few months... and well... he was in there. a lot. i really thought I could love him once. Surprise? Seems like i think that about everyone lately. Not a good thing, maria. Not at all.. gotta cut down on that.... ugh.... Anyway, i took those entries about Lenny with a grain of salt (thankfully, gee... maybe i'm getting smarter...), but ultimately i think what made me call him tonight was the guilt of remembering him telling me he loved me (whether he was sincere or not, i still dont know beyond a shadow of a doubt), and then kinda leaving him hanging all summer. i thought to myself a few nights ago, 'maybe he's too scared to call me this summer.. he knows I wanted time to myself to think about everything'. Well, when it comes down to it, I'm too goddamn nice to leave someone hanging, and i usually end up believing the excuses i make for people... but those are the facts. Interestingly enough, he seemed jubilant to get my call! Not nervous, not awkward, not rushed... all of the reactions I expected from someone who put his heart on the line, and hasnt heard from me since (with the exception of the half-assed phone call- and dont ask me how that fits into the scheme, because i couldnt begin to tell you what it means). Anyway, his voice was so cheerful- he asked me right away how my summer was, and expressed sincere sympathy about my foot. He told me he was out with a friend just then and I said I could let him go and we could talk another time. He promptly made plans to call me tomorrow around noon. He sounded so assertive, so happy, so confident. I havent seen that in him in a while. Funny- that was what first attracted me to him... And it will be good to catch up with him tomorrow... but dont worry, of course i still have the truth in my head: we're TOO different. I just hope it doesnt hurt too much when i have to tell him this tomorrow. One of two things is likely to happen:
1) he's happy because he's moved on, so my telling him won't affect him very much (which actually seems quite likely given his reactions and behavior of late)
2) he's happy because he really misses me and thinks i'm calling because i might want something with him again, and he will be very sad and disappointed tomorrow when i have to tell him that i dont think there is a future for us.
naturally, I'm rooting for option #1, so keep your fingers crossed for me.
then there's Heather. ugh- its not even worth spending much time on, because she's so incredibly fickle and flighty. I seriously dont know why i bother with her sometimes, and i'm SERIOUSLY about ready to give up on her. She contacts me randomly a month ago and says she wants to come visit me in buffalo (shes in colombus ohio mind you), and then i dont hear from her for weeks. Last week who contacts who? no, not her: me. (why? because I'm an idealistic pushover idiot --i dont know!) i asked her what happened to her, why hadnt i heard from her? She said that she still wanted to visit and that she's been busy (dating a 16 year old girl, of course), but could she come two weekends from now? Of course she could (why wouldnt i let her? ugh!), but I had to know within a few days so that I could ask off work. Of course she hasnt gotten back in touch with me since (and she's supposed to come a week from yesterday). Stupid me assumes that she really DOES want to come visit and I find out that I wont be working that weekend anyway.. so who contacts who yet again? oh yes, thats me- the genius. I IM her. I email her. No response. WTF?? You know what? I dont have time for her games. I dont have the strength, the will, or the heart to deal with it anymore. So here's what's going to happen. Once next weekend passes (assuming it passes without me hearing a single word from her), I am taking her name off of my buddy list and her number out of my phone (not that she lives with her parents anymore -but still). Seriously though. I dont need to be reminded of her. I need to forget that she exists... because she's done a pretty damn good job of proving to me that she doesnt know how to keep in touch, keep up a friendship, give ANYTHING resembling friendship back to me, and that she's a master of the disappearing act. so it's time to take matters into my own hands. she's not the only one who can disappear. I might take this approach with Michelle too. Ugh- why is it that the two girls I realllly like (or LIKED) not only look alike, but both screwed me over for their exes, suck at being my friend, won't tell me how they feel about ANYTHING, and force me to pretend they dont exist just so i can hope for them to miss me (ha!) and decide to grace me with their attention?? What the hell???? I obviously dont have any luck with women. Men and transmen are apparently a lot more hip with dating me -or becoming obsessed with me! Christ! I haven't even begun to talk about John (from LGBTU), but he's not an ex, so he can't be in this entry! Whew- I think I'm done venting for the night. Just too much crazy ex stuff for one week... it was starting to get uncanny, so I had to write it down. Hope this entry has been somewhat entertaining... or something...
life is crazy!!