There is nothing left
So I haven’t posted on this thing in quite some time.
A lot has happened, but in the same sense every day has started and ended in the same similar fashion. How predictable my life has become.
My grades are still not all that great except for Engineering, which I still have an AB in and Computer Science which I have an A in. I have become lost in translation in Physics and Institutions. Why does it have to become so difficult near the end?
All I can do is try and that’s all that matters.
My roommate hates me now. Oh well. It all started because of him. He never treats me with respect and always talks down at me like I’m insignificant and he is so much better then me. I hate people like that. Though I may not actually hate him, I can’t stand to be around him anymore, or to have him talk to me the way that he does. Every single word that I say is always wrong in his eyes and no matter how big or small the issue is he always has to be right.
You know what I think about that? FUCK THAT! I’m sick of it! I’m sick of always being nice to everyone even when they are a dickface to me. He has pushed me over the edge this time. So if he won’t listen to what I have to say then I won’t talk to him.
For the past couple of weeks now I have only spoken to him when it has been absolutely necessary. I’ll listen to music out loud when he is not in the room, but the second he comes in is when my headphones get put on.
Because of him, I have shut myself out from my own friend circle! Well I don’t really care. I’m used to being all-alone. Alone is the only way I’ve ever known.
So the other day I decided that I didn’t like my desk where it was and I guess that was what finally set him off and he got all pissed off and started yelling at me. Whatever. I don’t even care. He shut the door so the people in the hall couldn’t hear how much of a dick he was being to me at the time. I didn’t yell back because I don’t need to yell or to even talk.
He kept telling me over and over, “You are so passive aggressive!!” So what? I don’t like conflict so I choose not to deal with it. If he doesn’t talk to me like a normal person then I refuse to exchange conversation with him. Other then move my desk away from his and not talk to him for like two weeks I have no idea why he is so pissed at me because he won’t even let me know. I stay quiet all the time so he can’t bitch about noise.
There are so many things that piss me off about him that I’m not going to get into right now, but the main thing is his whole attitude toward everything that I say. He constantly has to prove me wrong and I’m sick of that because more then half of the time I’ll say something about one of my opinions and then he’ll say that I am wrong and his opinion is right. He even states it like it’s factual.
So when he snapped he told me that he is going to try and get a different room next semester. That was music to my ears.
I won’t have to deal with him much if he’s not my roommate. I only have to spend like 3 more weeks with him too! I’m counting down the days.
He had the nerve to ask me why I wasn’t trying to get a different room. I laughed in his face when he said that. The simple answer to the question was that it was my room to begin with during registration. I invited him to stay in it with me. He didn’t even want this room, so I don’t know why he would want it now. I refuse to let him win and get the room to himself.
If I have to then I’ll stay in this room and get a randomly picked roommate. The new roommate could be worse then Ian, but I don’t even care because the new roommate will NOT be him.
I asked Josh if he would want to switch rooms and come live with me and he is considering it for next semester. If I do end up leaving the room my one open option is to go live with Brian and Dan. It would be sweet, but they are pretty messy so I might not like it. That and all Brian does is play World Of Warcraft all day and all Dan does is sleep.
I’ve been outrageously depressed lately. The only way that I think that I can handle things right now is to not think about them.
I know that I can’t make things better as long as I am here. I need to be at home with the people who actually read this. Those are the people who care. Those are the ones that I love. Until then, I remain all by myself.
Please help me get through this, please make me feel better.
When I spoke to you on the phone and told you that everything was all right… I was lying.
Here are a few poems that I wrote. It was what I was feeling at the time.
________________________________________________________________________
I Will Always Remember
Majestic malfunctions of a malevolent race
The clock keeps ticking at a constant pace
Reevaluate, restructure, and redefine
You go your way and I’ll go mine
An unarmed combatant
Bound by chains of irrelevant error
The love we swore upon
You’re the bad news bearer
Strike me down unto my eternal destructive deficit
I will not tremble and I will not frown
You should know by now that I’d never quit
This polished exterior does not reflect what’s inside
So I’ll open my wounds here and now
I’ve got nothing to hide
I am the night
And you were the moon that lit my blackened sky
You are the ocean of tears
I’m drowning in everyday until I die
The illuminated shadows
Have now become an endless eclipse
I remember your scent, I remember those eyes
I remember your luscious lips
Kill me now and do it quick
Drive the steak deep down within
I remember your smile, I remember your laugh
I’ll always remember your warming grin
A degenerative cycle, a relapse of mind
I’m falling forever to what I’ll never find
I remember your love, I remember the feeling
It’s something that I’ll never forget
Please heal this hollowed out frozen fracture
I'm dark for fear of failure
But I haven’t given up on myself yet
________________________________________________________________________
Last Man Standing
I walk alone into the endless overcast
So capture this moment in time like a photograph
And forget me forever
Stare into my soul and gaze into these hazel eyes as they
Spill these lonesome tears filled with emptiness
Tortured and tormented these disturbing dreams haunt my nights
So keep me asleep to intensify the awful
And observe as the nightmares eat me alive
Misery looms and feeds from my open chest cavity
So pour salt into my wounds to keep the pain coming
And I’ll live a longer more lethal life
But before I do, strike me like a match for I deserve to burn
And watch the blistering flames engulf this sorrow
And drown the demons I have inside
Hang me high from the tallest tree
Tighten the noose around my neck
And leave me lying lifeless and limber
Bury me alive at the bottom of the ocean
With the anchor attached to my feet
Because when everything fades to black
And all I could ever taste was my own bitter blood
Things like breathing don’t matter like they did before
A lot has happened, but in the same sense every day has started and ended in the same similar fashion. How predictable my life has become.
My grades are still not all that great except for Engineering, which I still have an AB in and Computer Science which I have an A in. I have become lost in translation in Physics and Institutions. Why does it have to become so difficult near the end?
All I can do is try and that’s all that matters.
My roommate hates me now. Oh well. It all started because of him. He never treats me with respect and always talks down at me like I’m insignificant and he is so much better then me. I hate people like that. Though I may not actually hate him, I can’t stand to be around him anymore, or to have him talk to me the way that he does. Every single word that I say is always wrong in his eyes and no matter how big or small the issue is he always has to be right.
You know what I think about that? FUCK THAT! I’m sick of it! I’m sick of always being nice to everyone even when they are a dickface to me. He has pushed me over the edge this time. So if he won’t listen to what I have to say then I won’t talk to him.
For the past couple of weeks now I have only spoken to him when it has been absolutely necessary. I’ll listen to music out loud when he is not in the room, but the second he comes in is when my headphones get put on.
Because of him, I have shut myself out from my own friend circle! Well I don’t really care. I’m used to being all-alone. Alone is the only way I’ve ever known.
So the other day I decided that I didn’t like my desk where it was and I guess that was what finally set him off and he got all pissed off and started yelling at me. Whatever. I don’t even care. He shut the door so the people in the hall couldn’t hear how much of a dick he was being to me at the time. I didn’t yell back because I don’t need to yell or to even talk.
He kept telling me over and over, “You are so passive aggressive!!” So what? I don’t like conflict so I choose not to deal with it. If he doesn’t talk to me like a normal person then I refuse to exchange conversation with him. Other then move my desk away from his and not talk to him for like two weeks I have no idea why he is so pissed at me because he won’t even let me know. I stay quiet all the time so he can’t bitch about noise.
There are so many things that piss me off about him that I’m not going to get into right now, but the main thing is his whole attitude toward everything that I say. He constantly has to prove me wrong and I’m sick of that because more then half of the time I’ll say something about one of my opinions and then he’ll say that I am wrong and his opinion is right. He even states it like it’s factual.
So when he snapped he told me that he is going to try and get a different room next semester. That was music to my ears.
I won’t have to deal with him much if he’s not my roommate. I only have to spend like 3 more weeks with him too! I’m counting down the days.
He had the nerve to ask me why I wasn’t trying to get a different room. I laughed in his face when he said that. The simple answer to the question was that it was my room to begin with during registration. I invited him to stay in it with me. He didn’t even want this room, so I don’t know why he would want it now. I refuse to let him win and get the room to himself.
If I have to then I’ll stay in this room and get a randomly picked roommate. The new roommate could be worse then Ian, but I don’t even care because the new roommate will NOT be him.
I asked Josh if he would want to switch rooms and come live with me and he is considering it for next semester. If I do end up leaving the room my one open option is to go live with Brian and Dan. It would be sweet, but they are pretty messy so I might not like it. That and all Brian does is play World Of Warcraft all day and all Dan does is sleep.
I’ve been outrageously depressed lately. The only way that I think that I can handle things right now is to not think about them.
I know that I can’t make things better as long as I am here. I need to be at home with the people who actually read this. Those are the people who care. Those are the ones that I love. Until then, I remain all by myself.
Please help me get through this, please make me feel better.
When I spoke to you on the phone and told you that everything was all right… I was lying.
Here are a few poems that I wrote. It was what I was feeling at the time.
________________________________________________________________________
I Will Always Remember
Majestic malfunctions of a malevolent race
The clock keeps ticking at a constant pace
Reevaluate, restructure, and redefine
You go your way and I’ll go mine
An unarmed combatant
Bound by chains of irrelevant error
The love we swore upon
You’re the bad news bearer
Strike me down unto my eternal destructive deficit
I will not tremble and I will not frown
You should know by now that I’d never quit
This polished exterior does not reflect what’s inside
So I’ll open my wounds here and now
I’ve got nothing to hide
I am the night
And you were the moon that lit my blackened sky
You are the ocean of tears
I’m drowning in everyday until I die
The illuminated shadows
Have now become an endless eclipse
I remember your scent, I remember those eyes
I remember your luscious lips
Kill me now and do it quick
Drive the steak deep down within
I remember your smile, I remember your laugh
I’ll always remember your warming grin
A degenerative cycle, a relapse of mind
I’m falling forever to what I’ll never find
I remember your love, I remember the feeling
It’s something that I’ll never forget
Please heal this hollowed out frozen fracture
I'm dark for fear of failure
But I haven’t given up on myself yet
________________________________________________________________________
Last Man Standing
I walk alone into the endless overcast
So capture this moment in time like a photograph
And forget me forever
Stare into my soul and gaze into these hazel eyes as they
Spill these lonesome tears filled with emptiness
Tortured and tormented these disturbing dreams haunt my nights
So keep me asleep to intensify the awful
And observe as the nightmares eat me alive
Misery looms and feeds from my open chest cavity
So pour salt into my wounds to keep the pain coming
And I’ll live a longer more lethal life
But before I do, strike me like a match for I deserve to burn
And watch the blistering flames engulf this sorrow
And drown the demons I have inside
Hang me high from the tallest tree
Tighten the noose around my neck
And leave me lying lifeless and limber
Bury me alive at the bottom of the ocean
With the anchor attached to my feet
Because when everything fades to black
And all I could ever taste was my own bitter blood
Things like breathing don’t matter like they did before