FF: FAG: By Any Other Name
Fandoms: Xena, SVU, Murder in Suburbia, Guiding Light, Law & Order, Once Upon a Time
Pairings:A/N: Part of the FAG series of spoofs. Inspired by warpedscientist's prompt. Sequel to What's in a Name.
"I hereby call this emergency meeting of the Femslash Advocacy Group to order," Gabrielle declared, her gavel rapping authoritatively against the abused wood of the conference table. "I am sorry to have to tell you this, but it has been brought to my attention that a serious problem is threatening the very existence of femslash as we know it."
A collective intake of breath provided a dramatic climax to Gabrielle's opening statement and even Alex Cabot, Gabrielle's foe, was shocked into silence at what she could only assume was the revelation of the approaching Apocalypse.
"I am talking, of course, about the flagrant proliferation of certain female names within femslash fandoms." There was a pause, as Gabrielle waited for a second stunned intake of breath and her audience waited for Gabrielle to get to the real problem. "For too long have our audience been baffled by the sheer abundance of Olivias and Emmas and -"
"Wait, what?" Scribbs stood up, a look of confusion marring her face as she played back the last few seconds in her mind to reassure herself she hadn't dozed off, again, and dreamt the latest bit of insanity. "Are you saying you don't like my name?"
It was Gabrielle's turn to look confused. "No, Scribbs is entirely unique, like my Xena, I cannot think of anything more -"
"Her real name is Emma," cut in Ash, who thought it best not to elaborate on the specific circumstances under which she called her partner by her given name, but fully aware that the femslash reading public had memorised those particular paragraphs. "And mine is Kate, short for Katherine, just like hers," she pointed at a nostrils-flaring Captain Janeway, "and hers." She indicated Beckett.
"Yes, well, that just illustrates my point," said Gabrielle, quickly looking towards where Xena stood in the corner, ready to defend her misguided loved one the second the crowd turned really ugly. "It's confusing."
"That's ridiculous," said Alex. "Who in their right mind would ever confuse Ash and the good captain?" She scoffed rather theatrically. "They don't look alike, sound alike or even occupy the same period of history."
"There are certain exceptions, I grant you, but you cannot deny the number of modern day, north American characters of a femslash persuasion who share a common first name." She looked pointedly to Alex's right, where sat her long-time girlfriend and winner of Ms Swagger, 1999-2005.
Alex's lips thinned as her anger grew and she prepared to jump the conference room table and throttle the babbling bard. "What are you proposing," interrupted the moderate tones of Natalia Rivera, "that we simply re-Christen everyone who happens to share a name with someone else?" Although her tone had been reasonable, Alex detected a hitherto unheard edge to Natalia's words that did more to keep her from attacking her prehistoric foe than all of Xena's posturing.
Gabrielle mistook Natalia's reasonable demeanour and lack of flying spittle - she was used to dealing with likes of Alex Cabot and Callisto, after all - for encouragement and happily began to expand on her idea. "Exactly! There are plenty of perfectly serviceable names out there, after all, and as a bard I would be more than willing to help those encumbered with an already established name to pick another." She smiled sweetly, her warrior training deserting her, and thus unaware of the growing hostility within the room. "For example, your Olivia could become an Yvonne, and I'm sure we'd all agree that Benson would make a lovely Mary-Sue."
"Over. My. Dead. Body," said Natalia, her normally placid countenance a thing of the past as she strained to free herself from her lover's restraining hands to join Alex in throttling the jumped-up little wordsmith.
With a squeak of terror, Gabrielle took a step back from the table, her hands raised in a placating gesture. "Bad example," she said quickly. "I'm sure the records will show that Olivia Spencer was the first femslash character to be so named, and therefore -"
"The first how?" asked Abbie Carmicheal. "In femslash terms or creation terms?"
Gabrielle was confused and, as Alex moved to stand beside her friend, had the distinct impression that she was about to be tag-teamed. "What do you mean?"
"I mean how are you calculating who was first?" Abbie took up her prosecutorial stance. "Is it the first to be created, the first to manifest herself as a femslash character or the first in a historical context?"
"Erm." Gabrielle looked to Xena for help, but her soul-mate was studiously avoiding her eye and pretending to file her nails against her Chakram. "Created," she decided, knowing any hint of historical bias would cook her goose.
"So that would mean," persisted Abbie, "that if even so much as a drabble were to be penned slashing Gabrielle Short, from TV's Falcon Crest, with any other female on the planet or beyond, that you would have to change your name to, what, Maude?"
Alex, Natalia, Ash, Scribbs, Olivia, Olivia, Olivia, Emma, Myka, Helena, Helena, Barbara, Helen, Sarah, Sara, Sam and Sam all took out a pencil and paper and prepared to author a story about some character they'd never even heard of and quite possibly never existed.
"You couldn't have Maude," said Regina Mills, looking over Emma's shoulder, "because I'm sure someone has already slashed her." Emma dutifully constructed an ode to the love between Maude and Vivian, thanking the gods for reruns.
A twitch was beginning to develop in the corner of Gabrielle's eye and she realised that in her zeal she might have made a tactical error. "You have may a point," she conceded, before throwing the gavel in Alex's direction and running hell for leather for the nearest door.
The gavel now firmly in her grasp, and her nemesis defeated, Alex decided it was high time she addressed one of her own bugbears. "Order, order," she said, banging the gavel much like her predecessor, "as we're all here I think this is the perfect time to talk about dopplegangers and how best to eliminate them from femslash."
Abbie Carmichael was the first to get her hands around Alex's throat, followed by several Olivias, a Jane, two Sarahs, one Luce, two Sams, one Helen, two Helenas...
Pairings:A/N: Part of the FAG series of spoofs. Inspired by warpedscientist's prompt. Sequel to What's in a Name.
"I hereby call this emergency meeting of the Femslash Advocacy Group to order," Gabrielle declared, her gavel rapping authoritatively against the abused wood of the conference table. "I am sorry to have to tell you this, but it has been brought to my attention that a serious problem is threatening the very existence of femslash as we know it."
A collective intake of breath provided a dramatic climax to Gabrielle's opening statement and even Alex Cabot, Gabrielle's foe, was shocked into silence at what she could only assume was the revelation of the approaching Apocalypse.
"I am talking, of course, about the flagrant proliferation of certain female names within femslash fandoms." There was a pause, as Gabrielle waited for a second stunned intake of breath and her audience waited for Gabrielle to get to the real problem. "For too long have our audience been baffled by the sheer abundance of Olivias and Emmas and -"
"Wait, what?" Scribbs stood up, a look of confusion marring her face as she played back the last few seconds in her mind to reassure herself she hadn't dozed off, again, and dreamt the latest bit of insanity. "Are you saying you don't like my name?"
It was Gabrielle's turn to look confused. "No, Scribbs is entirely unique, like my Xena, I cannot think of anything more -"
"Her real name is Emma," cut in Ash, who thought it best not to elaborate on the specific circumstances under which she called her partner by her given name, but fully aware that the femslash reading public had memorised those particular paragraphs. "And mine is Kate, short for Katherine, just like hers," she pointed at a nostrils-flaring Captain Janeway, "and hers." She indicated Beckett.
"Yes, well, that just illustrates my point," said Gabrielle, quickly looking towards where Xena stood in the corner, ready to defend her misguided loved one the second the crowd turned really ugly. "It's confusing."
"That's ridiculous," said Alex. "Who in their right mind would ever confuse Ash and the good captain?" She scoffed rather theatrically. "They don't look alike, sound alike or even occupy the same period of history."
"There are certain exceptions, I grant you, but you cannot deny the number of modern day, north American characters of a femslash persuasion who share a common first name." She looked pointedly to Alex's right, where sat her long-time girlfriend and winner of Ms Swagger, 1999-2005.
Alex's lips thinned as her anger grew and she prepared to jump the conference room table and throttle the babbling bard. "What are you proposing," interrupted the moderate tones of Natalia Rivera, "that we simply re-Christen everyone who happens to share a name with someone else?" Although her tone had been reasonable, Alex detected a hitherto unheard edge to Natalia's words that did more to keep her from attacking her prehistoric foe than all of Xena's posturing.
Gabrielle mistook Natalia's reasonable demeanour and lack of flying spittle - she was used to dealing with likes of Alex Cabot and Callisto, after all - for encouragement and happily began to expand on her idea. "Exactly! There are plenty of perfectly serviceable names out there, after all, and as a bard I would be more than willing to help those encumbered with an already established name to pick another." She smiled sweetly, her warrior training deserting her, and thus unaware of the growing hostility within the room. "For example, your Olivia could become an Yvonne, and I'm sure we'd all agree that Benson would make a lovely Mary-Sue."
"Over. My. Dead. Body," said Natalia, her normally placid countenance a thing of the past as she strained to free herself from her lover's restraining hands to join Alex in throttling the jumped-up little wordsmith.
With a squeak of terror, Gabrielle took a step back from the table, her hands raised in a placating gesture. "Bad example," she said quickly. "I'm sure the records will show that Olivia Spencer was the first femslash character to be so named, and therefore -"
"The first how?" asked Abbie Carmicheal. "In femslash terms or creation terms?"
Gabrielle was confused and, as Alex moved to stand beside her friend, had the distinct impression that she was about to be tag-teamed. "What do you mean?"
"I mean how are you calculating who was first?" Abbie took up her prosecutorial stance. "Is it the first to be created, the first to manifest herself as a femslash character or the first in a historical context?"
"Erm." Gabrielle looked to Xena for help, but her soul-mate was studiously avoiding her eye and pretending to file her nails against her Chakram. "Created," she decided, knowing any hint of historical bias would cook her goose.
"So that would mean," persisted Abbie, "that if even so much as a drabble were to be penned slashing Gabrielle Short, from TV's Falcon Crest, with any other female on the planet or beyond, that you would have to change your name to, what, Maude?"
Alex, Natalia, Ash, Scribbs, Olivia, Olivia, Olivia, Emma, Myka, Helena, Helena, Barbara, Helen, Sarah, Sara, Sam and Sam all took out a pencil and paper and prepared to author a story about some character they'd never even heard of and quite possibly never existed.
"You couldn't have Maude," said Regina Mills, looking over Emma's shoulder, "because I'm sure someone has already slashed her." Emma dutifully constructed an ode to the love between Maude and Vivian, thanking the gods for reruns.
A twitch was beginning to develop in the corner of Gabrielle's eye and she realised that in her zeal she might have made a tactical error. "You have may a point," she conceded, before throwing the gavel in Alex's direction and running hell for leather for the nearest door.
The gavel now firmly in her grasp, and her nemesis defeated, Alex decided it was high time she addressed one of her own bugbears. "Order, order," she said, banging the gavel much like her predecessor, "as we're all here I think this is the perfect time to talk about dopplegangers and how best to eliminate them from femslash."
Abbie Carmichael was the first to get her hands around Alex's throat, followed by several Olivias, a Jane, two Sarahs, one Luce, two Sams, one Helen, two Helenas...