FF: FAG: What's in a Name?
Fandoms: Xena, with mention of SVU, Once Upon a Time, Guiding Light, Fringe, Murder in Suburbia, NCIS, Law & Order, Lost Girl, The Devil Wears Prada, X-Men, Nikki & Nora, Criminal Minds and Bad Girls.
Pairings: Xena/Gabrielle, with mention of Emma/Regina, Ash/Scribbs, Bo/Lauren, Bo/Tamsin, Kate/Betty, Red/Snow, Olivia/Natalia, Abby/Ziva and Abbie/Serena.
A/N: Part of the FAG series of spoofs. Inspired by warpedscientist's prompt. There will be a sequel.
Gabrielle opened the latest scroll from the Femslash Times and quickly scanned the parchment for hers and Xena's names. There were only four mentions, and all but one of those were asides in articles focused on different couples. It was galling. There had been a time, not that long ago, when every single page would include a reference either to herself or Xena or their epic romance, and yet here they were being referred to as 'old school' femslash by some hack who didn't know her Centaurs from her unicorns.
Taking out a second scroll, Gabrielle began to tally the number of times other femslash couples were mentioned, her mood darkening with every tick beside the name of her nemesis, and a sense of outrage settling as she noticed several upstart couples with row upon row of ticks beside their names.
She threw the scrolls to one side in fury. "Xena!"
The Warrior Princess had been taking a nap, having spent the morning teaching the Amazons how to twirl a sword in a sexy manner, while never once letting your opponent and the pretty blonde you'd winked at earlier, out of your sight. "What is it?" Chakram and sword at the ready, Xena searched Gabrielle's tranquility zone - a straw hut attached to the main structure - for any sign of an intruder. "Gabrielle?"
"Have you read this?" Gabrielle demanded, bending down to retrieve the Femslash Times and thrusting it into Xena's face. "Have you?"
Xena squinted at the parchment. "It's a brilliant story," she hedged, "one of your best." She squinted closer, searching for the unmistakable by-line and accompanying likeness, but saw nothing to indicate which article had been written by her bard. "Did you use a pseudonym?"
"I haven't written anything," Gabrielle seethed, the pointed reminder that it had been two moons since she'd last had an essay published adding insult to injury. "I'm talking about all these names!"
Twin lines of confusion bisected Xena's brow. "What names?" There were no male names, as far as she could see, so she couldn't understand why her love was displaying all the irrational anger of the Ares years.
"Here!" Gabrielle pointed to one set of names after another. "Emma and Regina, Ash and Scribbs, Bo and Lauren, Bo and Tamsin, Kate and Betty, Red and Snow, Olivia and Natalia, Abby and Ziva, Abbie and Serena, Olivia Benson and her trained harpy!"
The confusion lifted from Xena's face. "What has Alex done now?"
"It's not about Cabot." That was a lie, it was always about Alex, and her scheming, gavel-stealing ways, but Gabrielle knew it was too soon to start laying the blame at her rivals feet. "It's the Femslash Times, for Artimis' sake, and we're hardly even mentioned!"
"Ixnay on the odsgay," Xena hissed, her fingers tightening on her Chakram in preparation for any stray lightning bolts. "So?" She finally asked, once it became clear that no dead Olympians would be hurling pyrotechnics in their direction in the foreseeable future.
Gabrielle rolled her eyes and prayed to no-one in particular for forbearance. "We are the Queens of Femslash," she said slowly, as if talking to a child, "and we're being ignored in favour of all these Olivias, Abbys, Emmas and Cabots come lately."
Personally, Xena had been enjoying her time away from the limelight, and the extra hours it allowed her to work on her revised edition of the Karma Sutra. "So?" she tried again. "I thought you were all in favour of 'spreading the wonders of femslash to all four corners of fandom'?" Xena quoted the article, pinned to the wall two feet away, that had been the cornerstone of Gabrielle's election campaign during the OTP wars of the noughties.
"I... I... I do." Hoisted with her own petard, Gabrielle searched desperately for a way to regain the moral high ground and come up with a plan to put herself and Xena back at the top of the femslash pyramid. "It's the names," she said at last, "they're all using the same ones."
Xena arched an expressive eyebrow that more than adequately expressed her 'What you talkin' about, Willis' sentiment.
Holding aloft her copy of the Femslash Times, Gabrielle started to point to individual names. "Emma Swan, Emma Scribbins and Emma Frost, Olivias Benson, Spencer and Dunham, Abbies Carmichael and Sciuto -"
"One's an ie and the other's a y."
"Emily Prentiss and Emily Charlton, Nikki Wade and Nora's Nikki -"
"Beaumont."
"Cabot and Eames."
Xena was fast losing the will to live. "What's your point?" She knew Gabrielle had one, and that it would no doubt end up causing her a lot of pain or embarrassment, but experience had taught her that it was best not to let these little flights of fancy fester.
"It's too confusing," stated Gabrielle. "In these times of chaos the world of femslash needs order and that means no more multiple people with the same name." Xena didn't like the sound of that one bit but any opinion she tried to make was quickly steamrollered by the sheer force of Gabrielle's political machinations in overdrive. "We need to call an emergency meeting of the F.A.G."
Pairings: Xena/Gabrielle, with mention of Emma/Regina, Ash/Scribbs, Bo/Lauren, Bo/Tamsin, Kate/Betty, Red/Snow, Olivia/Natalia, Abby/Ziva and Abbie/Serena.
A/N: Part of the FAG series of spoofs. Inspired by warpedscientist's prompt. There will be a sequel.
Gabrielle opened the latest scroll from the Femslash Times and quickly scanned the parchment for hers and Xena's names. There were only four mentions, and all but one of those were asides in articles focused on different couples. It was galling. There had been a time, not that long ago, when every single page would include a reference either to herself or Xena or their epic romance, and yet here they were being referred to as 'old school' femslash by some hack who didn't know her Centaurs from her unicorns.
Taking out a second scroll, Gabrielle began to tally the number of times other femslash couples were mentioned, her mood darkening with every tick beside the name of her nemesis, and a sense of outrage settling as she noticed several upstart couples with row upon row of ticks beside their names.
She threw the scrolls to one side in fury. "Xena!"
The Warrior Princess had been taking a nap, having spent the morning teaching the Amazons how to twirl a sword in a sexy manner, while never once letting your opponent and the pretty blonde you'd winked at earlier, out of your sight. "What is it?" Chakram and sword at the ready, Xena searched Gabrielle's tranquility zone - a straw hut attached to the main structure - for any sign of an intruder. "Gabrielle?"
"Have you read this?" Gabrielle demanded, bending down to retrieve the Femslash Times and thrusting it into Xena's face. "Have you?"
Xena squinted at the parchment. "It's a brilliant story," she hedged, "one of your best." She squinted closer, searching for the unmistakable by-line and accompanying likeness, but saw nothing to indicate which article had been written by her bard. "Did you use a pseudonym?"
"I haven't written anything," Gabrielle seethed, the pointed reminder that it had been two moons since she'd last had an essay published adding insult to injury. "I'm talking about all these names!"
Twin lines of confusion bisected Xena's brow. "What names?" There were no male names, as far as she could see, so she couldn't understand why her love was displaying all the irrational anger of the Ares years.
"Here!" Gabrielle pointed to one set of names after another. "Emma and Regina, Ash and Scribbs, Bo and Lauren, Bo and Tamsin, Kate and Betty, Red and Snow, Olivia and Natalia, Abby and Ziva, Abbie and Serena, Olivia Benson and her trained harpy!"
The confusion lifted from Xena's face. "What has Alex done now?"
"It's not about Cabot." That was a lie, it was always about Alex, and her scheming, gavel-stealing ways, but Gabrielle knew it was too soon to start laying the blame at her rivals feet. "It's the Femslash Times, for Artimis' sake, and we're hardly even mentioned!"
"Ixnay on the odsgay," Xena hissed, her fingers tightening on her Chakram in preparation for any stray lightning bolts. "So?" She finally asked, once it became clear that no dead Olympians would be hurling pyrotechnics in their direction in the foreseeable future.
Gabrielle rolled her eyes and prayed to no-one in particular for forbearance. "We are the Queens of Femslash," she said slowly, as if talking to a child, "and we're being ignored in favour of all these Olivias, Abbys, Emmas and Cabots come lately."
Personally, Xena had been enjoying her time away from the limelight, and the extra hours it allowed her to work on her revised edition of the Karma Sutra. "So?" she tried again. "I thought you were all in favour of 'spreading the wonders of femslash to all four corners of fandom'?" Xena quoted the article, pinned to the wall two feet away, that had been the cornerstone of Gabrielle's election campaign during the OTP wars of the noughties.
"I... I... I do." Hoisted with her own petard, Gabrielle searched desperately for a way to regain the moral high ground and come up with a plan to put herself and Xena back at the top of the femslash pyramid. "It's the names," she said at last, "they're all using the same ones."
Xena arched an expressive eyebrow that more than adequately expressed her 'What you talkin' about, Willis' sentiment.
Holding aloft her copy of the Femslash Times, Gabrielle started to point to individual names. "Emma Swan, Emma Scribbins and Emma Frost, Olivias Benson, Spencer and Dunham, Abbies Carmichael and Sciuto -"
"One's an ie and the other's a y."
"Emily Prentiss and Emily Charlton, Nikki Wade and Nora's Nikki -"
"Beaumont."
"Cabot and Eames."
Xena was fast losing the will to live. "What's your point?" She knew Gabrielle had one, and that it would no doubt end up causing her a lot of pain or embarrassment, but experience had taught her that it was best not to let these little flights of fancy fester.
"It's too confusing," stated Gabrielle. "In these times of chaos the world of femslash needs order and that means no more multiple people with the same name." Xena didn't like the sound of that one bit but any opinion she tried to make was quickly steamrollered by the sheer force of Gabrielle's political machinations in overdrive. "We need to call an emergency meeting of the F.A.G."