Once Upon a Dream 70/?
Title: Once Upon a Dream 70/?
Author: Kelinswriter
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: NC-17 (for lots of things)
Summary: Starts with the infamous scene with the OPT Pregnancy Test. Spins off from there into its own little universe.
Disclaimer: CBS, P&G, Telenext et. al. owns these characters; I'm just taking them off the shelf and playing with them for a while.
WARNING DANGER READ AT YOUR OWN RISK: References to sexual assault and its aftermath will be a part of this story moving forward. Please consider yourselves fully notified.
Chapters 1-11
Chapters 12-19
Chapters 20-29
Chapters 30-40
Chapters 41-50
Chapters 51-60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Alan's quiet death while sitting in his rose garden, Alexandra at his side, was the final wave in the tsunami that roared through Springfield that summer and changed its landscape forever. Each of the events that had rocked the town - the Bauer Barbecue shooting, Jeffrey's death, Dinah's departure - had sent out shock waves, leaving behind a battered group of refugees to pick through the rubble. To Natalia, this seemed especially clear when she sent Olivia and Rafe off to yet another funeral that she couldn't attend.
Natalia's recovery from her own personal tsunami was progressing, though not as quickly as she would have liked. It felt miraculous to be free of the IV and machines that had tethered her at every turn, to be able to eat her own meals, to contribute, at least in some small way, to her own self-care. But she was still weak, and it could only be overcome with intense, exhausting effort. More nights than not, she fell asleep early in her hospital bed, too worn out to stay awake for more than few hours into the evening. Yet her overtaxed muscles made her sleep fitful, and she would often awaken in the middle of the night, aching from the effort of rebuilding them. Olivia was always there - to hold her, to give her a massage and, on the worst nights, to coax her into taking the mild sedative Rick had prescribed. When Natalia would wake in the morning, Olivia would be gone, back to The Beacon for a few hours rest before the hotel absorbed her full attention. And that was how the days passed, one much like another, until Natalia found herself walking.
She was in the big therapy room at Cedars, with its floor to ceiling panoramic windows, its soothing blue walls, and its majestic view of Springfield's rolling hills when she took her first steps. She'd endured the boredom of her morning warm-ups by pondering whether "recovery" was actually a mythical place, its location somewhere between Santa Claus's workshop and Shangri-La. She was trying to shake off the image of elves and reindeer getting physical therapy, to get herself focused on whatever new strength-building activity Christina had planned for her, when she found her wheelchair-bound self being rolled over to a set of parallel bars. Christina parked the wheelchair, patted her on the shoulder, and said, "You're ready."
"Ready to…" Natalia looked down the long passage between the bars, which were set just far enough apart to accommodate a human being. "Am I walking?"
"Well, today will mostly be standing." Christina leaned her elbows on the nearest bar, giving Natalia a conspiratorial smile. "Which I know will irritate you, but one step at a time is a literal thing around here."
Natalia felt her stomach flip-flop, her nervous system hit with a mix of elation and terror at the idea that she might, at last, be ready. "Why do I feel like I'm a toddler again?"
Christina laughed, her dimples showing, before giving Natalia a reassuring smile. "All the exercises we've been having you do have been leading up to this. You're strong enough to handle it."
"Please let me be," Natalia whispered under her breath, even as Christina called one of the physical therapy assistants over. The next thing Natalia knew, the two of them were easing her out of the chair until she was standing upright, her hands braced on the bars to either side of her.
"Take a minute," Christina said in her infinitely patient way. "When you're ready, take a step."
Natalia felt a tremor run through her shoulder muscles, which were working hard to take the strain of staying upright. Her legs were trembling too, though that felt more like nerves than anything else. Lift the knee, move forward, lower the heel, roll the foot, she thought, mentally reviewing the actions that had once been so automatic. Then she closed her eyes, whispered a prayer, and took a step. Her right foot made contact with the floor, and she wavered, her knee flexing before it stabilized.
"That's it," Christina said, her tone both cautious and encouraging. "Let's see how far you can go."
Natalia nodded, her brow furrowing in concentration as she moved her left foot. Soon, sweat began to break out against her back and under her arms, and by her eighth step in, her gray tank top and sweatpants were a sodden mess. But she didn't care - because she was walking.
"You're doing great," Christina said, the elation in her voice tempered by concern when Natalia got to the midpoint of the bars. "But I think maybe that's enough for now."
"Let her try for the end," said a familiar voice. Natalia turned, clinging to the bars to hold her balance, and saw Olivia walking into the room, her white linen summer suit looking as crisp and cool as a tall glass of lemonade. Or a beer, Natalia thought, her throat going dry. God, I could use a beer.
She paused, easing back on her heels to take some of the pressure off her shoulders. "What are you doing here?"
"I had a free hour so I decided to pop by and see how you were doing." Olivia gave her a smile that looked like it could power the world. "Pretty good, I guess."
"I'd be doing better if there were a beer at the end of these bars," Natalia said, shooting Christina a pleading look.
"I wish," Christina said with a laugh. "How about an extra ten minutes in the jacuzzi tub instead?"
"Or a kiss?" Olivia walked to the end of the bars and planted her hands on the opposite end, the look on her face clearly implying that a kiss was just the first item on a long list of activities she would be willing to offer as reward. "Make it to the end and I'll plant a big one on you."
"I could do it for that," Natalia said, hearing something come into her voice that was both shy and needy, yearning and a little wanton. What you do to me, she remembered Olivia saying, her recollection of the words setting every nerve on fire. Leave it to Olivia to get me all wound up during physical therapy, she thought, feeling her skin flush under Olivia's gaze.
Olivia gave a sly smile, her green eyes dancing as if she knew exactly what Natalia was thinking. "Then come on down," she drawled, the words both invitation and challenge.
And so Natalia took another step, her arms and legs trembling with the effort. Still she persisted, taking another, and then another, until finally she was mere inches away from Olivia, close enough to smell her perfume, to see the sparkle in her eyes, to follow the faint lift of her breasts with every intake of breath. "Almost got it," Olivia murmured, the words about so much more than just those few steps. She held her arms open, the gesture both invitation and promise. "Right here, sweetheart."
Natalia gathered herself, gritted her teeth, and took the final step, trying hard not to fall forward into Olivia's arms. She felt Olivia's hand come up to catch at the back of her head, the other bracing against the small of her back. Natalia felt herself sink into Olivia's strength, too tired to even hold on in return.
"You're amazing, you know that?" Olivia murmured, her mouth pressed against Natalia's temple. "Sweaty. But amazing."
Natalia let out a weary laugh. "Who knew six weeks in bed could mess you up so bad?"
"Uh…" Olivia pulled back, lifting one hand. She gave Natalia a knowing smirk.
"I take back every obnoxious thing I did to get you up and moving." Natalia felt her knees waver, Olivia's arm automatically tightening around her back in response. "I should sit down before I fall."
"Here you go," Christina said, rushing the wheelchair to the far end of the bars. Olivia backed up, pulling Natalia with her, and Christina braced both of them until Natalia could get turned around and back into the chair. She slumped into the seat, every inch of her body complaining about her twenty foot trek.
"I'll go get you some water," Christina said before hurrying into the other room.
"Thanks, Christina," Olivia called after her. She crouched in front of the wheelchair, tilting her head back so that she could meet Natalia's eyes. "How you feeling?"
"Sweaty. Gross. Exhausted." Natalia couldn't help but grin. "But I walked."
"You did." Olivia rested her elbows over Natalia's knees, tangling their fingers together. "And I'm pretty sure you're due a kiss."
"Maybe later," Natalia said with a nonchalant air, her grin widening when Olivia looked outraged at the comment.
"Oh my God," Olivia sputtered. "Did you really -"
"Shh," Natalia said, catching Olivia by the lapels of her suit jacket and dragging her forward until their mouths were mere inches apart. "See? Stronger."
"I'm in a lot of trouble, aren't I?" Olivia whispered, her gaze fixating on Natalia's mouth. She nibbled at her lower lip as if pondering doing the same to Natalia's, a gesture that sent Natalia's blood pressure skyrocketing. She ran her tongue over her own lower lip, as if in anticipation of Olivia's touch. And then they were kissing, the action now as familiar as breathing, the warmth between them as exhilarating as skydiving and as safe as coming home.
Their single kiss turned into multiple ones, each as addicting as the last, until Christina's return became too obvious to ignore. Natalia pulled back from Olivia and, in as calm a voice as she could muster, said, "Jacuzzi?"
"After stretching." Christina drew closer, handing Natalia a water bottle that was ice cold and perspiring almost as much as Natalia herself. The sun coming through the windows caught the sparkle from her left index finger.
"Oh, hey," Natalia said to Olivia. "Did you hear? Christina and Remy are getting remarried."
"For real this time," Christina said, her café au lait skin glowing as she showed Olivia the ring. "Remy proposed to me a few weeks ago."
"It's gorgeous," Olivia said, an almost imperceptible flash of guilt playing across her face. Before Natalia could puzzle out what that might be about, Olivia hiked a thumb toward the therapy room next door. "So, you're jacuzzi tubbing?"
"For a little while," Christina confirmed. "After that Natalia's free to use a pass to go out on the grounds."
"It's beautiful out there." Olivia squeezed Natalia's hands. "We could have Ava bring Emma over, have a little picnic."
"That would be perfect." Natalia leaned forward to give Olivia one last kiss. "See you back at my room in a bit?"
"I'll be there." Olivia grabbed onto one of the parallel bars, holding it for leverage while she got to her feet. "Buzz burger with onions for you?"
"That's just mean." Natalia made a face at her. "Berry smoothie today, please."
"You got it." Olivia winked, her three-inch Marc Jacobs clattering as she gathered her purse and disappeared down the hall.
Christina turned the wheelchair around, pushing Natalia toward the therapy room and the tub that Natalia could already hear bubbling. "Olivia seems so happy."
"Seems so," Natalia replied, working hard to keep any hint of irony out of her tone. For in spite of Olivia's sunny disposition, Natalia still couldn't shake the sense that her love was the most battered of all of Springfield's refugees. She'd had little to say about Alan's death, though her eyes were tear-swollen when she returned from his funeral. In the days that followed, they had both been preoccupied with helping Emma and Rafe deal with the loss of their grandfather, and between that and Natalia's intense therapy regimen their chance to sort out everything that had happened in the last months had been lost. The more time passed, the more Natalia believed there would be no real opportunity until they were back under the same roof. That's why I am working so hard to get back to the farmhouse, Natalia admitted to herself as the jacuzzi's swirling bubbles soothed away the worst of her aches. I want to be home, but I also want Olivia to feel safe enough that she can talk to me. That won't happen here.
The thought of sitting on the front porch with Olivia and finally getting her to open up about what was troubling her stayed on Natalia's mind through her return to her hospital room, her carefully-managed solo changing into blue yoga pants and a white t-shirt, and the taming of her tub-damp hair. When Olivia arrived, Natalia was just dusting on a light coating of makeup. Soon they were on the way to the Spaulding Garden, a section of the Cedars grounds that was surrounded an all sides by rose bushes that had been donated by the Spaulding family. At the heart of the quadrangle was a fountain, flanked on every side by wooden park benches. Emma was standing at the edge of the fountain, floating a leaf on its turbulent surface. She turned when she heard the squeak of the wheelchair's tires on the sidewalk, her face lighting up when she caught sight of Natalia. "Mama!"
"Emma!" Natalia exclaimed, holding her arms out and bracing herself for the impact of a long-limbed eight year old body against her own.
"It's like I don't even exist any more," Olivia muttered. "Don't I get some love too, Bean?"
"In a minute, Mommy," Emma said, continuing to squeeze Natalia to the point of suffocation. "I haven't seen Mama since yesterday."
"I missed you too, sweetheart," Natalia said, rubbing Emma's back with one hand. In Emma's ear, she whispered, "Now go give your mommy a big hug. She needs one."
"Okay." Emma disengaged from Natalia, rounding the wheelchair and throwing herself against Olivia's body. "Hi, Mommy!"
"You're gonna knock me over one of these days." Olivia crouched, wrapping Emma in her arms. "Hi, baby." She looked over at Ava, who was sorting through a collection of Company to-go bags on one of the nearby benches. "Wow, that was fast. I didn't expect the order to be ready so soon."
"Buzz said any picnic that includes Natalia takes priority." Ava set down the bag in her hand and walked over to Natalia, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "How are you today?"
"She walked," Olivia said, her voice bursting with pride.
"You did?" Ava lunged toward Natalia, wrapping her up in a hug. "That's wonderful!"
"I barely went twenty steps," Natalia said, her body still aching from the effort. "But apparently I'm on track for not needing this contraption soon."
"So then you can go home?" Ava asked.
"I hope so," Natalia said, crossing the middle and index fingers of her right hand. "We'll see what Dr. Rick says."
"That being at home would do more for your recovery than staying here, if he knows what's good for him." Olivia gave Emma another squeeze, then snagged Ava's arm and used it to lever herself upright. "I'm starving. Where's the food?"
"Over here, Mommy!" Emma said, dragging Olivia toward the bag-strewn bench.
"Seems I'm in charge of you," Ava said with a laugh. She slid into place behind Natalia, pushing her toward their makeshift table, and within minutes the bags and wrappers were undone and they were all settled in with their meals. Natalia was sure she had a rather pitiful look on her face as she watched the rest of her family devour their food, a suspicion that was confirmed when Ava looked up from her grilled chicken salad, frowning. "How soon until you have to start watching your figure again?"
"I got to have toast and scrambled eggs for breakfast." Natalia stomach growled as she watched Emma bite into an French fry. "Wow, Em, that smells amazing."
"Do you want some?" Emma asked, holding the grease-stained package of fries out in offering.
"I wish I could." Natalia took a sip of her smoothie. "But you need to eat all your lunch so you have energy to play this afternoon."
"I'm going to a movie with Ava," Emma announced in a tone more suited to declaring that one had an audience with royalty. "I was supposed to have a tea party with Peyton, but Daddy says Aunt Alex has to meet with the layers instead."
"I think you mean lawyers, sweetheart," Natalia gently corrected.
"A word you're going to get to know well," Ava muttered.
"Hey!" Olivia elbowed Ava, her brow furrowing in annoyance. "Some family traditions can wait."
"Sorry, Mom." Ava gave Natalia a wry grin. "Aren't Spencer family picnics fun?"
"I wish Rafe were here," Emma said, her mouth crinkling in a disappointed frown. "I don't like it when he misses family things."
"Rafe's at work today," Natalia explained, shooting Olivia a grateful smile. "Your mom helped him get a job at Lewis Construction, so he's learning how to build buildings."
"That sounds like a fun job." Emma tugged at the sleeve of her mother's tailored jacket. "Mommy, can I do that when I grow up?"
"If you get your doctorate first." Olivia's phone chirped, and with a sigh, she retrieved it from her purse. Glancing at the text on its display, she growled, then furiously tapped out a response. When she was finished, she looked over at Natalia, her face creased by an adorably apologetic pout. "I have to get back to The Beacon."
"Is it about the centerpiece delivery?" Ava set her salad aside and pushed to her feet. "I can take care of it."
"No, you covered the weekend." Olivia caught at Ava's arm, dragging her back onto the bench. "Besides, this guy needs a little heart-to-heart about what's expected for the prices he's charging." She wrapped up the remnants of her sandwich and tucked it into one of the empty bags, then rose to her feet. "I'll see you both for dinner, okay?"
"Okay, Mommy." Emma took a bite of her hamburger, ketchup smearing onto her face. "Have fun reading the riot act."
"It's my favorite book, Jellybean." Olivia leaned over and dabbed at the ketchup on Emma's face with a napkin, then gave her a kiss. She pecked Ava on the cheek as well, then turned, crouching so that her face was level with Natalia's. "You need any cleanup?"
"I seem to be much better about that now that I'm on a liquid diet." Natalia tugged on the front of Olivia's shirt, pulling her close enough that she could give her a kiss. "Please don't chew the pieces up so much that I can't put them back together."
"I'll be as gentle as a lamb," Olivia replied, her eyes promising that she would be anything but. With a wink, she shouldered her purse and headed in the direction of The Beacon.
"Mommy works really hard," Emma said as she watched her mother disappear down the path. "Will I have to work that hard when I grow up?"
"If you find something you love to do as much as your Mommy loves running hotels, then it won't seem like work," Natalia said in a reassuring voice. "But first, you have to go to school so you can learn about what you want to do."
Emma let out a sigh. "I want a job where I get to ride on roller coasters."
"Subtle, Em," Ava said with a laugh. Turning toward Natalia, she added, "Last night at dinner Rafe was telling us about the Six Flags near Chicago and how he used to go there as a kid."
"He loved Great America," Natalia said with a wistful smile. "I only got to go with him once, but I remember it as one of the happiest days we ever spent together."
"He was saying he wants to go up there for a visit, maybe go see a Cubs game too." Ava gave Natalia a sly smile and added, "We were talking about making it a brother-sisters trip. On a weekend, say? Like, after you're moved back to the farmhouse?"
"Speaking of subtle," Natalia muttered, feeling herself redden at the notion that Ava and Rafe had been figuring out ways to give she and Olivia a romantic weekend. I wonder if Olivia will find this as embarrassing as I do? she thought, trying to formulate a response that didn't make her sound like a stuttering teenager.
Before she could do so, Emma jumped in. "I think Mommy would let us ride on the roller coasters, don't you, Mama?"
"Maybe," Natalia said, carefully straddling the line between being hopeful and making a promise. "We'll have to see what she has to say about it."
"I bet she'll be all for it." Ava let out a bemused laugh and added, "Considering we were both married to Bill, I probably shouldn't have any hangups about this, should I?"
"I…uh…" Natalia trailed off, deciding it was way easier to let the comment go than to give any sort of response. She turned her attention back to Emma, who had once again managed to get ketchup all over her face. "Hey, that red stuff is supposed to stay on the fry when you put it in your mouth."
Emma gave a toothy, red-stained grin. "I like ketchup."
"Really?" Natalia leaned forward, grabbing a handful of napkins and dabbing at her daughter's face. "Well, you're just a mess," she said with a laugh. "You're going to need to wash your face before you go to the movies."
"Okay, but can I go play at the fountain first?" Emma asked, wrappers from her lunch flying in all directions as she hopped to her feet. "I want to have a leaf race."
"Only if you pick one for me." Natalia's eyes trailed after Emma as she scurried over to the fountain, the skirts of her orange sundress swirling in her wake. After a moment of watching her sort through the leaves floating on the water's surface, she turned her attention back to Ava. "Sometimes she reminds me of your mother so much that it hurts."
"She's a lot like her," Ava agreed as she set her salad aside. She smoothed the multicolored skirt of her own lightweight summer dress and added, "Though I think Emma got all the sweetness in Mom and I got all the snark."
"That's not true." Natalia gave Ava an angelic smile, adding, "Emma can be snarky too."
"Hey," Ava protested, then conceded the point with a shrug of her shoulders and a rueful laugh. She gathered the scattered wrappers and shoved them into one of the empty bags, then leaned back on the bench, her eyes taking in the lush rose bushes surrounding them. "It's weird, isn't it? Alan gone, my dad gone. They both were so important to mom and did so much to affect her life. It's got to be strange for her."
"Alan had a way of messing with you in the name of your own good that was hard to appreciate," Natalia admitted. "But there were times when he was very kind to both me and Rafe."
"To Mom too, sometimes." Ava gave a weary shake of her head. "My dad did so much to make up for his mistakes with her. He would never really talk about it with me, but I know it bothered him every day."
"You mean because they got divorced?" Natalia asked, feeling an odd stirring in her stomach that had nothing to do with the contents of her smoothie.
"Oh, that." Ava waved a dismissive hand. "That was just to make sure Emma was safe when Mom was having her heart problems. No, this is about that mess on San Cristobel before I was born, when he got her drunk and they went to a room and…"
Natalia heard herself take in a sharp, audible breath, thought it seemed like the noise was actually coming from far away. And what? she thought, barely able to process the words. Oh, God, is this what Sam was talking about?
Natalia saw Ava's eyes change, saw a hint of panic come into their brown depths. Her voice was a little strained as she asked, "You know what happened that night at the embassy, right?"
Natalia felt a million clues start to reassemble themselves, to create a picture that was far different than the one she had imagined when it came to Ava's birth, one that she had always assumed was closer to her own story with Rafe than not. She thought back on the guilty, hangdog look Jeffrey had always worn around Olivia, and of the barely controlled anger that often seemed to be simmering just under the surface when Olivia was in Jeffrey's orbit. I always thought she and Jeffrey were a teenage romance gone bad, she thought, feeling a shiver run through her. But what if it was something far worse?
There was only one way to find out. "Ava, what do you mean by 'that night at the embassy'?" Natalia asked, feeling like she was betraying Olivia by even asking the question.
But Ava seemed determined not to give her that chance. She jumped to her feet, plucking the bag full of wrappers from beside her and smashing it into a ball. "You know, I should probably take Em back to The Beacon, get her cleaned up before we go to the movie," she said, edging toward the garbage can. "She hates missing the previews. I swear sometimes they're her favorite part."
"Ava," Natalia said, trying to soothe her, to get her to sit back down and keep talking. "I won't ask you to betray any confidences, I promise."
"I know," Ava said, her voice spiraling upward just like Olivia's did when she was under stress. "But we're really pressed for time. You're okay to get back, right? Or should I call somebody to come help you?"
"I can manage by myself," Natalia said, feeling her opportunity slipping away. I hit a nerve, she thought. And it's got Ava terrified.
"Great, that's great." Ava dug into her purse for her sunglasses, her eyes downcast as she refused to meet Natalia's eyes. "It's wonderful that you're so much stronger."
And with that, she rushed over to the fountain, continuing to avoid Natalia's gaze. "Hey Em, we've got to go."
"But my leaf race!" Emma exclaimed, disappointment coloring her voice. "Mama said she wanted to watch."
"I know that, Em, but we're really late." Ava caught Emma's hand and pulled her toward the path, calling over her shoulder, "I'm parked in front of Company. I can ask someone to come help you get back inside."
"Bye, Mama!" Emma called out. "See you later!"
"Bye, sweetheart," Natalia called after her, too upset to even insist that Emma come back and give her a hug. The second the girls were out of view the tears came, stinging down her cheeks while she buried her face in her hands. It took twenty minutes to get them out of her system, twenty minutes that she spent rearranging what she knew of Olivia's history into a darker, far more heartbreaking picture. She was dry-eyed by the time Buzz found her, but only just.
"Well, look at you out in the world," Buzz said as he limped along the path, his bad hip causing him to hitch one leg with every stride. Then he got a good look at her, and his gait slowed. "Uh-oh."
"Hi, Buzz," Natalia said, hearing the flat, cried-out tone in her voice. "Did Ava send you to be my chauffeur?"
"She did, though with the way my hip is acting, I think maybe we need to trade places." Buzz ambled over to the bench and sat down in front of her, taking her hands in his. "The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are not in a coma. What could possibly be wrong?"
"That is a long story," Natalia said, giving his hand a squeeze. She disentangled her fingers, wiping at her cheeks. "Or at least I think it is."
"That's cryptic." Buzz dug through his pocket, pulling out a clean handkerchief and pressing it into her hand. "Is it the food over there? Because I'll make you something other than smoothies if that's what you need."
Natalia let out a wry laugh, dabbing at her eyes. "I wouldn't know. I still mostly can't eat it."
"Well give it time. I'm sure in a week or so, I'll be smuggling in burgers for you like I do for everyone else who ends up over there." Buzz clasped his hands in front of him, hunching forward so that they were at eye level. "Natalia, come on. What's wrong?"
Natalia shook her head, biting her lip as she fought back another wave of tears. "That's the big question, isn't it?"
"Especially around here." Buzz's pale blue eyes were gentle as he added, "But I mean now, this moment, and not in an abstract sense. Because then we'll be here all night and I have a meat delivery coming in at three."
Natalia nodded, unable to muster the energy for the laugh his joke deserved. She thought about what to say to him, and then about how much he might already know. If there was one person in this town besides Ava who might know Olivia's secret, one person who could be trusted enough to discuss it, it was Buzz. And so she looked up at him and quetly asked, "Can you tell me what happened between Olivia and Jeffrey on San Cristobel?"
Buzz blinked, then slowly straightened as her words registered. He glanced away, his face tensing, before looking at her with sorrow in his eyes. "You like to lead with the tough ones, don't you?"
"Ava said something about it, and when she realized I didn't know she panicked." Natalia stared down at her IV-scarred hands, tracing a fingertip over one of the lingering bruises, and added, "The next thing I know she's taken off with Emma and I'm waiting for you."
Buzz shook his head, his explosive temper starting to bubble. "She really is just like her mother. Drops a bomb, then can't stay around to -"
"Buzz," Natalia interrupted. "Please."
Buzz let out a blustery sigh, as if venting away the rest of his tirade. Then he pushed to his feet, slowly limping from the bench to the fountain. He looked down at the churning waters, saying, "You know, it's really Olivia's story to tell."
"I know," Natalia said with a nod. "But every time I think we're going to talk -"
"She ducks the subject or finds a distraction or runs away." Buzz ran his fingertips through the fountain, lifting his hand so the drops could fall back into the bubbling water. "It's no accident that Ava asked me to get you. Other than her, I'm the only person still alive who knows the full story, or at least as much of it as Olivia's capable of telling." He seemed to drift away for a moment, his face engulfed by a deep, pervasive sadness. Then he shifted, his eyes on her once again, and said, "It was rough for her when she found out that Ava was her daughter and Jeffrey her father. I was with her for most of it and I still can't begin to understand the pain she was in. She went to San Cristobel, tried to deal with some of it. But not enough. And with the way Jeffrey died…"
Natalia nodded. "It's all come back, and being on San Cristobel again didn't help."
"Bingo. And Olivia, as you may have noticed, isn't very good at dealing with things she'd rather avoid." Buzz hobbled his way back toward the bench and sat down across from her. "She'll tell you it's fine and that she's strong. But we both know fine is the last thing she is."
Natalia listened to Buzz's words, her mind whirling at the thought of how much Olivia was carrying on her shoulders and how desperately she was trying to hide it from view. How much more can she take before she cracks? Natalia thought. It helps that I'm better, but that doesn't make all that pain just disappear.
Buzz sat back against the bench, stretching one arm out and leaning back so he could take the pressure off his sore hip. "Look, If you love her like I think you do, then you know that the details don't matter. What you're asking yourself is what you can do to make things better."
Natalia nodded. "So if that's the question, what's the answer?"
"I don't know." Buzz fiddled with a loose splinter on the back of the bench, tugging at it until it pulled free. "They really should take better care of these things." Tossing the splinter aside, he let out a sigh and continued, "The better answer is you have to get her to tell you."
"And if she runs away?" Natalia asked, her mind conjuring up what would happen if she pushed. Olivia would stonewall and avoid, would manufacture fights and pull away. It would be like before the wedding all over again, only worse, because this time around they both knew that the right choice was to be together. I don't want to waste another minute, Natalia thought. But if we don't sort this out, it's going to tear us apart no matter what we do.
"My advice is to give her space but never stop chasing after her." Buzz gave a rueful shake of his head, as if to say that he had done this dance with Olivia more than once before ultimately giving it up. "The secret is that she wants to be caught. But don't you dare tell her I said that."
"She's come so close to telling me so many times, but she can't seem to get the words out." Natalia twisted her hands together, feeling frustration well up within her. "I don't know how to break through."
"When you were in surgery, she was a wreck," Buzz said, and in his voice, Natalia could hear the respect he held for Olivia, the deep, abiding affection that had allowed them to walk away from their breakup as friends. "The only other time I've seen her like that was when Emma was sick a few years ago and that - well, that is also a story she should tell you. My point is that she loves you in a way she's never loved anyone except her kids. Real, through the heart die without you kind of love, which is something I never thought I'd see where Olivia is concerned."
Natalia nodded, knowing Buzz understood that she felt the same way, that there was nothing she wouldn't do to try to make things better for Olivia. I will wait as long as I have to for her to be ready, she thought, praying as she did that Olivia wouldn't hold on to that pain for too much longer. Please, God, let her see that she can be safe with me. That it's time to let this go.
Taking Buzz's hand, she waited for his kind, weary eyes to meet hers before saying, "Thank you for caring about her and for helping her as much as you could."
"I will always care about Olivia," Buzz said, and there was no questioning the sincerity in his voice. "And you. The two of you are family to me." He paused, then added, "Though you really could have handled that thing with Frank a little better, you know."
"Had I known what I know now, it would never have happened." Natalia gave him a smile that was part apology, part appreciation. "You really are a good man, Buzz Cooper."
Buzz tilted his head to the side and gave her his most charming of smiles. "Rumor has it that's going around these days."
Author: Kelinswriter
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: NC-17 (for lots of things)
Summary: Starts with the infamous scene with the OPT Pregnancy Test. Spins off from there into its own little universe.
Disclaimer: CBS, P&G, Telenext et. al. owns these characters; I'm just taking them off the shelf and playing with them for a while.
WARNING DANGER READ AT YOUR OWN RISK: References to sexual assault and its aftermath will be a part of this story moving forward. Please consider yourselves fully notified.
Chapters 1-11
Chapters 12-19
Chapters 20-29
Chapters 30-40
Chapters 41-50
Chapters 51-60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Alan's quiet death while sitting in his rose garden, Alexandra at his side, was the final wave in the tsunami that roared through Springfield that summer and changed its landscape forever. Each of the events that had rocked the town - the Bauer Barbecue shooting, Jeffrey's death, Dinah's departure - had sent out shock waves, leaving behind a battered group of refugees to pick through the rubble. To Natalia, this seemed especially clear when she sent Olivia and Rafe off to yet another funeral that she couldn't attend.
Natalia's recovery from her own personal tsunami was progressing, though not as quickly as she would have liked. It felt miraculous to be free of the IV and machines that had tethered her at every turn, to be able to eat her own meals, to contribute, at least in some small way, to her own self-care. But she was still weak, and it could only be overcome with intense, exhausting effort. More nights than not, she fell asleep early in her hospital bed, too worn out to stay awake for more than few hours into the evening. Yet her overtaxed muscles made her sleep fitful, and she would often awaken in the middle of the night, aching from the effort of rebuilding them. Olivia was always there - to hold her, to give her a massage and, on the worst nights, to coax her into taking the mild sedative Rick had prescribed. When Natalia would wake in the morning, Olivia would be gone, back to The Beacon for a few hours rest before the hotel absorbed her full attention. And that was how the days passed, one much like another, until Natalia found herself walking.
She was in the big therapy room at Cedars, with its floor to ceiling panoramic windows, its soothing blue walls, and its majestic view of Springfield's rolling hills when she took her first steps. She'd endured the boredom of her morning warm-ups by pondering whether "recovery" was actually a mythical place, its location somewhere between Santa Claus's workshop and Shangri-La. She was trying to shake off the image of elves and reindeer getting physical therapy, to get herself focused on whatever new strength-building activity Christina had planned for her, when she found her wheelchair-bound self being rolled over to a set of parallel bars. Christina parked the wheelchair, patted her on the shoulder, and said, "You're ready."
"Ready to…" Natalia looked down the long passage between the bars, which were set just far enough apart to accommodate a human being. "Am I walking?"
"Well, today will mostly be standing." Christina leaned her elbows on the nearest bar, giving Natalia a conspiratorial smile. "Which I know will irritate you, but one step at a time is a literal thing around here."
Natalia felt her stomach flip-flop, her nervous system hit with a mix of elation and terror at the idea that she might, at last, be ready. "Why do I feel like I'm a toddler again?"
Christina laughed, her dimples showing, before giving Natalia a reassuring smile. "All the exercises we've been having you do have been leading up to this. You're strong enough to handle it."
"Please let me be," Natalia whispered under her breath, even as Christina called one of the physical therapy assistants over. The next thing Natalia knew, the two of them were easing her out of the chair until she was standing upright, her hands braced on the bars to either side of her.
"Take a minute," Christina said in her infinitely patient way. "When you're ready, take a step."
Natalia felt a tremor run through her shoulder muscles, which were working hard to take the strain of staying upright. Her legs were trembling too, though that felt more like nerves than anything else. Lift the knee, move forward, lower the heel, roll the foot, she thought, mentally reviewing the actions that had once been so automatic. Then she closed her eyes, whispered a prayer, and took a step. Her right foot made contact with the floor, and she wavered, her knee flexing before it stabilized.
"That's it," Christina said, her tone both cautious and encouraging. "Let's see how far you can go."
Natalia nodded, her brow furrowing in concentration as she moved her left foot. Soon, sweat began to break out against her back and under her arms, and by her eighth step in, her gray tank top and sweatpants were a sodden mess. But she didn't care - because she was walking.
"You're doing great," Christina said, the elation in her voice tempered by concern when Natalia got to the midpoint of the bars. "But I think maybe that's enough for now."
"Let her try for the end," said a familiar voice. Natalia turned, clinging to the bars to hold her balance, and saw Olivia walking into the room, her white linen summer suit looking as crisp and cool as a tall glass of lemonade. Or a beer, Natalia thought, her throat going dry. God, I could use a beer.
She paused, easing back on her heels to take some of the pressure off her shoulders. "What are you doing here?"
"I had a free hour so I decided to pop by and see how you were doing." Olivia gave her a smile that looked like it could power the world. "Pretty good, I guess."
"I'd be doing better if there were a beer at the end of these bars," Natalia said, shooting Christina a pleading look.
"I wish," Christina said with a laugh. "How about an extra ten minutes in the jacuzzi tub instead?"
"Or a kiss?" Olivia walked to the end of the bars and planted her hands on the opposite end, the look on her face clearly implying that a kiss was just the first item on a long list of activities she would be willing to offer as reward. "Make it to the end and I'll plant a big one on you."
"I could do it for that," Natalia said, hearing something come into her voice that was both shy and needy, yearning and a little wanton. What you do to me, she remembered Olivia saying, her recollection of the words setting every nerve on fire. Leave it to Olivia to get me all wound up during physical therapy, she thought, feeling her skin flush under Olivia's gaze.
Olivia gave a sly smile, her green eyes dancing as if she knew exactly what Natalia was thinking. "Then come on down," she drawled, the words both invitation and challenge.
And so Natalia took another step, her arms and legs trembling with the effort. Still she persisted, taking another, and then another, until finally she was mere inches away from Olivia, close enough to smell her perfume, to see the sparkle in her eyes, to follow the faint lift of her breasts with every intake of breath. "Almost got it," Olivia murmured, the words about so much more than just those few steps. She held her arms open, the gesture both invitation and promise. "Right here, sweetheart."
Natalia gathered herself, gritted her teeth, and took the final step, trying hard not to fall forward into Olivia's arms. She felt Olivia's hand come up to catch at the back of her head, the other bracing against the small of her back. Natalia felt herself sink into Olivia's strength, too tired to even hold on in return.
"You're amazing, you know that?" Olivia murmured, her mouth pressed against Natalia's temple. "Sweaty. But amazing."
Natalia let out a weary laugh. "Who knew six weeks in bed could mess you up so bad?"
"Uh…" Olivia pulled back, lifting one hand. She gave Natalia a knowing smirk.
"I take back every obnoxious thing I did to get you up and moving." Natalia felt her knees waver, Olivia's arm automatically tightening around her back in response. "I should sit down before I fall."
"Here you go," Christina said, rushing the wheelchair to the far end of the bars. Olivia backed up, pulling Natalia with her, and Christina braced both of them until Natalia could get turned around and back into the chair. She slumped into the seat, every inch of her body complaining about her twenty foot trek.
"I'll go get you some water," Christina said before hurrying into the other room.
"Thanks, Christina," Olivia called after her. She crouched in front of the wheelchair, tilting her head back so that she could meet Natalia's eyes. "How you feeling?"
"Sweaty. Gross. Exhausted." Natalia couldn't help but grin. "But I walked."
"You did." Olivia rested her elbows over Natalia's knees, tangling their fingers together. "And I'm pretty sure you're due a kiss."
"Maybe later," Natalia said with a nonchalant air, her grin widening when Olivia looked outraged at the comment.
"Oh my God," Olivia sputtered. "Did you really -"
"Shh," Natalia said, catching Olivia by the lapels of her suit jacket and dragging her forward until their mouths were mere inches apart. "See? Stronger."
"I'm in a lot of trouble, aren't I?" Olivia whispered, her gaze fixating on Natalia's mouth. She nibbled at her lower lip as if pondering doing the same to Natalia's, a gesture that sent Natalia's blood pressure skyrocketing. She ran her tongue over her own lower lip, as if in anticipation of Olivia's touch. And then they were kissing, the action now as familiar as breathing, the warmth between them as exhilarating as skydiving and as safe as coming home.
Their single kiss turned into multiple ones, each as addicting as the last, until Christina's return became too obvious to ignore. Natalia pulled back from Olivia and, in as calm a voice as she could muster, said, "Jacuzzi?"
"After stretching." Christina drew closer, handing Natalia a water bottle that was ice cold and perspiring almost as much as Natalia herself. The sun coming through the windows caught the sparkle from her left index finger.
"Oh, hey," Natalia said to Olivia. "Did you hear? Christina and Remy are getting remarried."
"For real this time," Christina said, her café au lait skin glowing as she showed Olivia the ring. "Remy proposed to me a few weeks ago."
"It's gorgeous," Olivia said, an almost imperceptible flash of guilt playing across her face. Before Natalia could puzzle out what that might be about, Olivia hiked a thumb toward the therapy room next door. "So, you're jacuzzi tubbing?"
"For a little while," Christina confirmed. "After that Natalia's free to use a pass to go out on the grounds."
"It's beautiful out there." Olivia squeezed Natalia's hands. "We could have Ava bring Emma over, have a little picnic."
"That would be perfect." Natalia leaned forward to give Olivia one last kiss. "See you back at my room in a bit?"
"I'll be there." Olivia grabbed onto one of the parallel bars, holding it for leverage while she got to her feet. "Buzz burger with onions for you?"
"That's just mean." Natalia made a face at her. "Berry smoothie today, please."
"You got it." Olivia winked, her three-inch Marc Jacobs clattering as she gathered her purse and disappeared down the hall.
Christina turned the wheelchair around, pushing Natalia toward the therapy room and the tub that Natalia could already hear bubbling. "Olivia seems so happy."
"Seems so," Natalia replied, working hard to keep any hint of irony out of her tone. For in spite of Olivia's sunny disposition, Natalia still couldn't shake the sense that her love was the most battered of all of Springfield's refugees. She'd had little to say about Alan's death, though her eyes were tear-swollen when she returned from his funeral. In the days that followed, they had both been preoccupied with helping Emma and Rafe deal with the loss of their grandfather, and between that and Natalia's intense therapy regimen their chance to sort out everything that had happened in the last months had been lost. The more time passed, the more Natalia believed there would be no real opportunity until they were back under the same roof. That's why I am working so hard to get back to the farmhouse, Natalia admitted to herself as the jacuzzi's swirling bubbles soothed away the worst of her aches. I want to be home, but I also want Olivia to feel safe enough that she can talk to me. That won't happen here.
The thought of sitting on the front porch with Olivia and finally getting her to open up about what was troubling her stayed on Natalia's mind through her return to her hospital room, her carefully-managed solo changing into blue yoga pants and a white t-shirt, and the taming of her tub-damp hair. When Olivia arrived, Natalia was just dusting on a light coating of makeup. Soon they were on the way to the Spaulding Garden, a section of the Cedars grounds that was surrounded an all sides by rose bushes that had been donated by the Spaulding family. At the heart of the quadrangle was a fountain, flanked on every side by wooden park benches. Emma was standing at the edge of the fountain, floating a leaf on its turbulent surface. She turned when she heard the squeak of the wheelchair's tires on the sidewalk, her face lighting up when she caught sight of Natalia. "Mama!"
"Emma!" Natalia exclaimed, holding her arms out and bracing herself for the impact of a long-limbed eight year old body against her own.
"It's like I don't even exist any more," Olivia muttered. "Don't I get some love too, Bean?"
"In a minute, Mommy," Emma said, continuing to squeeze Natalia to the point of suffocation. "I haven't seen Mama since yesterday."
"I missed you too, sweetheart," Natalia said, rubbing Emma's back with one hand. In Emma's ear, she whispered, "Now go give your mommy a big hug. She needs one."
"Okay." Emma disengaged from Natalia, rounding the wheelchair and throwing herself against Olivia's body. "Hi, Mommy!"
"You're gonna knock me over one of these days." Olivia crouched, wrapping Emma in her arms. "Hi, baby." She looked over at Ava, who was sorting through a collection of Company to-go bags on one of the nearby benches. "Wow, that was fast. I didn't expect the order to be ready so soon."
"Buzz said any picnic that includes Natalia takes priority." Ava set down the bag in her hand and walked over to Natalia, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "How are you today?"
"She walked," Olivia said, her voice bursting with pride.
"You did?" Ava lunged toward Natalia, wrapping her up in a hug. "That's wonderful!"
"I barely went twenty steps," Natalia said, her body still aching from the effort. "But apparently I'm on track for not needing this contraption soon."
"So then you can go home?" Ava asked.
"I hope so," Natalia said, crossing the middle and index fingers of her right hand. "We'll see what Dr. Rick says."
"That being at home would do more for your recovery than staying here, if he knows what's good for him." Olivia gave Emma another squeeze, then snagged Ava's arm and used it to lever herself upright. "I'm starving. Where's the food?"
"Over here, Mommy!" Emma said, dragging Olivia toward the bag-strewn bench.
"Seems I'm in charge of you," Ava said with a laugh. She slid into place behind Natalia, pushing her toward their makeshift table, and within minutes the bags and wrappers were undone and they were all settled in with their meals. Natalia was sure she had a rather pitiful look on her face as she watched the rest of her family devour their food, a suspicion that was confirmed when Ava looked up from her grilled chicken salad, frowning. "How soon until you have to start watching your figure again?"
"I got to have toast and scrambled eggs for breakfast." Natalia stomach growled as she watched Emma bite into an French fry. "Wow, Em, that smells amazing."
"Do you want some?" Emma asked, holding the grease-stained package of fries out in offering.
"I wish I could." Natalia took a sip of her smoothie. "But you need to eat all your lunch so you have energy to play this afternoon."
"I'm going to a movie with Ava," Emma announced in a tone more suited to declaring that one had an audience with royalty. "I was supposed to have a tea party with Peyton, but Daddy says Aunt Alex has to meet with the layers instead."
"I think you mean lawyers, sweetheart," Natalia gently corrected.
"A word you're going to get to know well," Ava muttered.
"Hey!" Olivia elbowed Ava, her brow furrowing in annoyance. "Some family traditions can wait."
"Sorry, Mom." Ava gave Natalia a wry grin. "Aren't Spencer family picnics fun?"
"I wish Rafe were here," Emma said, her mouth crinkling in a disappointed frown. "I don't like it when he misses family things."
"Rafe's at work today," Natalia explained, shooting Olivia a grateful smile. "Your mom helped him get a job at Lewis Construction, so he's learning how to build buildings."
"That sounds like a fun job." Emma tugged at the sleeve of her mother's tailored jacket. "Mommy, can I do that when I grow up?"
"If you get your doctorate first." Olivia's phone chirped, and with a sigh, she retrieved it from her purse. Glancing at the text on its display, she growled, then furiously tapped out a response. When she was finished, she looked over at Natalia, her face creased by an adorably apologetic pout. "I have to get back to The Beacon."
"Is it about the centerpiece delivery?" Ava set her salad aside and pushed to her feet. "I can take care of it."
"No, you covered the weekend." Olivia caught at Ava's arm, dragging her back onto the bench. "Besides, this guy needs a little heart-to-heart about what's expected for the prices he's charging." She wrapped up the remnants of her sandwich and tucked it into one of the empty bags, then rose to her feet. "I'll see you both for dinner, okay?"
"Okay, Mommy." Emma took a bite of her hamburger, ketchup smearing onto her face. "Have fun reading the riot act."
"It's my favorite book, Jellybean." Olivia leaned over and dabbed at the ketchup on Emma's face with a napkin, then gave her a kiss. She pecked Ava on the cheek as well, then turned, crouching so that her face was level with Natalia's. "You need any cleanup?"
"I seem to be much better about that now that I'm on a liquid diet." Natalia tugged on the front of Olivia's shirt, pulling her close enough that she could give her a kiss. "Please don't chew the pieces up so much that I can't put them back together."
"I'll be as gentle as a lamb," Olivia replied, her eyes promising that she would be anything but. With a wink, she shouldered her purse and headed in the direction of The Beacon.
"Mommy works really hard," Emma said as she watched her mother disappear down the path. "Will I have to work that hard when I grow up?"
"If you find something you love to do as much as your Mommy loves running hotels, then it won't seem like work," Natalia said in a reassuring voice. "But first, you have to go to school so you can learn about what you want to do."
Emma let out a sigh. "I want a job where I get to ride on roller coasters."
"Subtle, Em," Ava said with a laugh. Turning toward Natalia, she added, "Last night at dinner Rafe was telling us about the Six Flags near Chicago and how he used to go there as a kid."
"He loved Great America," Natalia said with a wistful smile. "I only got to go with him once, but I remember it as one of the happiest days we ever spent together."
"He was saying he wants to go up there for a visit, maybe go see a Cubs game too." Ava gave Natalia a sly smile and added, "We were talking about making it a brother-sisters trip. On a weekend, say? Like, after you're moved back to the farmhouse?"
"Speaking of subtle," Natalia muttered, feeling herself redden at the notion that Ava and Rafe had been figuring out ways to give she and Olivia a romantic weekend. I wonder if Olivia will find this as embarrassing as I do? she thought, trying to formulate a response that didn't make her sound like a stuttering teenager.
Before she could do so, Emma jumped in. "I think Mommy would let us ride on the roller coasters, don't you, Mama?"
"Maybe," Natalia said, carefully straddling the line between being hopeful and making a promise. "We'll have to see what she has to say about it."
"I bet she'll be all for it." Ava let out a bemused laugh and added, "Considering we were both married to Bill, I probably shouldn't have any hangups about this, should I?"
"I…uh…" Natalia trailed off, deciding it was way easier to let the comment go than to give any sort of response. She turned her attention back to Emma, who had once again managed to get ketchup all over her face. "Hey, that red stuff is supposed to stay on the fry when you put it in your mouth."
Emma gave a toothy, red-stained grin. "I like ketchup."
"Really?" Natalia leaned forward, grabbing a handful of napkins and dabbing at her daughter's face. "Well, you're just a mess," she said with a laugh. "You're going to need to wash your face before you go to the movies."
"Okay, but can I go play at the fountain first?" Emma asked, wrappers from her lunch flying in all directions as she hopped to her feet. "I want to have a leaf race."
"Only if you pick one for me." Natalia's eyes trailed after Emma as she scurried over to the fountain, the skirts of her orange sundress swirling in her wake. After a moment of watching her sort through the leaves floating on the water's surface, she turned her attention back to Ava. "Sometimes she reminds me of your mother so much that it hurts."
"She's a lot like her," Ava agreed as she set her salad aside. She smoothed the multicolored skirt of her own lightweight summer dress and added, "Though I think Emma got all the sweetness in Mom and I got all the snark."
"That's not true." Natalia gave Ava an angelic smile, adding, "Emma can be snarky too."
"Hey," Ava protested, then conceded the point with a shrug of her shoulders and a rueful laugh. She gathered the scattered wrappers and shoved them into one of the empty bags, then leaned back on the bench, her eyes taking in the lush rose bushes surrounding them. "It's weird, isn't it? Alan gone, my dad gone. They both were so important to mom and did so much to affect her life. It's got to be strange for her."
"Alan had a way of messing with you in the name of your own good that was hard to appreciate," Natalia admitted. "But there were times when he was very kind to both me and Rafe."
"To Mom too, sometimes." Ava gave a weary shake of her head. "My dad did so much to make up for his mistakes with her. He would never really talk about it with me, but I know it bothered him every day."
"You mean because they got divorced?" Natalia asked, feeling an odd stirring in her stomach that had nothing to do with the contents of her smoothie.
"Oh, that." Ava waved a dismissive hand. "That was just to make sure Emma was safe when Mom was having her heart problems. No, this is about that mess on San Cristobel before I was born, when he got her drunk and they went to a room and…"
Natalia heard herself take in a sharp, audible breath, thought it seemed like the noise was actually coming from far away. And what? she thought, barely able to process the words. Oh, God, is this what Sam was talking about?
Natalia saw Ava's eyes change, saw a hint of panic come into their brown depths. Her voice was a little strained as she asked, "You know what happened that night at the embassy, right?"
Natalia felt a million clues start to reassemble themselves, to create a picture that was far different than the one she had imagined when it came to Ava's birth, one that she had always assumed was closer to her own story with Rafe than not. She thought back on the guilty, hangdog look Jeffrey had always worn around Olivia, and of the barely controlled anger that often seemed to be simmering just under the surface when Olivia was in Jeffrey's orbit. I always thought she and Jeffrey were a teenage romance gone bad, she thought, feeling a shiver run through her. But what if it was something far worse?
There was only one way to find out. "Ava, what do you mean by 'that night at the embassy'?" Natalia asked, feeling like she was betraying Olivia by even asking the question.
But Ava seemed determined not to give her that chance. She jumped to her feet, plucking the bag full of wrappers from beside her and smashing it into a ball. "You know, I should probably take Em back to The Beacon, get her cleaned up before we go to the movie," she said, edging toward the garbage can. "She hates missing the previews. I swear sometimes they're her favorite part."
"Ava," Natalia said, trying to soothe her, to get her to sit back down and keep talking. "I won't ask you to betray any confidences, I promise."
"I know," Ava said, her voice spiraling upward just like Olivia's did when she was under stress. "But we're really pressed for time. You're okay to get back, right? Or should I call somebody to come help you?"
"I can manage by myself," Natalia said, feeling her opportunity slipping away. I hit a nerve, she thought. And it's got Ava terrified.
"Great, that's great." Ava dug into her purse for her sunglasses, her eyes downcast as she refused to meet Natalia's eyes. "It's wonderful that you're so much stronger."
And with that, she rushed over to the fountain, continuing to avoid Natalia's gaze. "Hey Em, we've got to go."
"But my leaf race!" Emma exclaimed, disappointment coloring her voice. "Mama said she wanted to watch."
"I know that, Em, but we're really late." Ava caught Emma's hand and pulled her toward the path, calling over her shoulder, "I'm parked in front of Company. I can ask someone to come help you get back inside."
"Bye, Mama!" Emma called out. "See you later!"
"Bye, sweetheart," Natalia called after her, too upset to even insist that Emma come back and give her a hug. The second the girls were out of view the tears came, stinging down her cheeks while she buried her face in her hands. It took twenty minutes to get them out of her system, twenty minutes that she spent rearranging what she knew of Olivia's history into a darker, far more heartbreaking picture. She was dry-eyed by the time Buzz found her, but only just.
"Well, look at you out in the world," Buzz said as he limped along the path, his bad hip causing him to hitch one leg with every stride. Then he got a good look at her, and his gait slowed. "Uh-oh."
"Hi, Buzz," Natalia said, hearing the flat, cried-out tone in her voice. "Did Ava send you to be my chauffeur?"
"She did, though with the way my hip is acting, I think maybe we need to trade places." Buzz ambled over to the bench and sat down in front of her, taking her hands in his. "The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are not in a coma. What could possibly be wrong?"
"That is a long story," Natalia said, giving his hand a squeeze. She disentangled her fingers, wiping at her cheeks. "Or at least I think it is."
"That's cryptic." Buzz dug through his pocket, pulling out a clean handkerchief and pressing it into her hand. "Is it the food over there? Because I'll make you something other than smoothies if that's what you need."
Natalia let out a wry laugh, dabbing at her eyes. "I wouldn't know. I still mostly can't eat it."
"Well give it time. I'm sure in a week or so, I'll be smuggling in burgers for you like I do for everyone else who ends up over there." Buzz clasped his hands in front of him, hunching forward so that they were at eye level. "Natalia, come on. What's wrong?"
Natalia shook her head, biting her lip as she fought back another wave of tears. "That's the big question, isn't it?"
"Especially around here." Buzz's pale blue eyes were gentle as he added, "But I mean now, this moment, and not in an abstract sense. Because then we'll be here all night and I have a meat delivery coming in at three."
Natalia nodded, unable to muster the energy for the laugh his joke deserved. She thought about what to say to him, and then about how much he might already know. If there was one person in this town besides Ava who might know Olivia's secret, one person who could be trusted enough to discuss it, it was Buzz. And so she looked up at him and quetly asked, "Can you tell me what happened between Olivia and Jeffrey on San Cristobel?"
Buzz blinked, then slowly straightened as her words registered. He glanced away, his face tensing, before looking at her with sorrow in his eyes. "You like to lead with the tough ones, don't you?"
"Ava said something about it, and when she realized I didn't know she panicked." Natalia stared down at her IV-scarred hands, tracing a fingertip over one of the lingering bruises, and added, "The next thing I know she's taken off with Emma and I'm waiting for you."
Buzz shook his head, his explosive temper starting to bubble. "She really is just like her mother. Drops a bomb, then can't stay around to -"
"Buzz," Natalia interrupted. "Please."
Buzz let out a blustery sigh, as if venting away the rest of his tirade. Then he pushed to his feet, slowly limping from the bench to the fountain. He looked down at the churning waters, saying, "You know, it's really Olivia's story to tell."
"I know," Natalia said with a nod. "But every time I think we're going to talk -"
"She ducks the subject or finds a distraction or runs away." Buzz ran his fingertips through the fountain, lifting his hand so the drops could fall back into the bubbling water. "It's no accident that Ava asked me to get you. Other than her, I'm the only person still alive who knows the full story, or at least as much of it as Olivia's capable of telling." He seemed to drift away for a moment, his face engulfed by a deep, pervasive sadness. Then he shifted, his eyes on her once again, and said, "It was rough for her when she found out that Ava was her daughter and Jeffrey her father. I was with her for most of it and I still can't begin to understand the pain she was in. She went to San Cristobel, tried to deal with some of it. But not enough. And with the way Jeffrey died…"
Natalia nodded. "It's all come back, and being on San Cristobel again didn't help."
"Bingo. And Olivia, as you may have noticed, isn't very good at dealing with things she'd rather avoid." Buzz hobbled his way back toward the bench and sat down across from her. "She'll tell you it's fine and that she's strong. But we both know fine is the last thing she is."
Natalia listened to Buzz's words, her mind whirling at the thought of how much Olivia was carrying on her shoulders and how desperately she was trying to hide it from view. How much more can she take before she cracks? Natalia thought. It helps that I'm better, but that doesn't make all that pain just disappear.
Buzz sat back against the bench, stretching one arm out and leaning back so he could take the pressure off his sore hip. "Look, If you love her like I think you do, then you know that the details don't matter. What you're asking yourself is what you can do to make things better."
Natalia nodded. "So if that's the question, what's the answer?"
"I don't know." Buzz fiddled with a loose splinter on the back of the bench, tugging at it until it pulled free. "They really should take better care of these things." Tossing the splinter aside, he let out a sigh and continued, "The better answer is you have to get her to tell you."
"And if she runs away?" Natalia asked, her mind conjuring up what would happen if she pushed. Olivia would stonewall and avoid, would manufacture fights and pull away. It would be like before the wedding all over again, only worse, because this time around they both knew that the right choice was to be together. I don't want to waste another minute, Natalia thought. But if we don't sort this out, it's going to tear us apart no matter what we do.
"My advice is to give her space but never stop chasing after her." Buzz gave a rueful shake of his head, as if to say that he had done this dance with Olivia more than once before ultimately giving it up. "The secret is that she wants to be caught. But don't you dare tell her I said that."
"She's come so close to telling me so many times, but she can't seem to get the words out." Natalia twisted her hands together, feeling frustration well up within her. "I don't know how to break through."
"When you were in surgery, she was a wreck," Buzz said, and in his voice, Natalia could hear the respect he held for Olivia, the deep, abiding affection that had allowed them to walk away from their breakup as friends. "The only other time I've seen her like that was when Emma was sick a few years ago and that - well, that is also a story she should tell you. My point is that she loves you in a way she's never loved anyone except her kids. Real, through the heart die without you kind of love, which is something I never thought I'd see where Olivia is concerned."
Natalia nodded, knowing Buzz understood that she felt the same way, that there was nothing she wouldn't do to try to make things better for Olivia. I will wait as long as I have to for her to be ready, she thought, praying as she did that Olivia wouldn't hold on to that pain for too much longer. Please, God, let her see that she can be safe with me. That it's time to let this go.
Taking Buzz's hand, she waited for his kind, weary eyes to meet hers before saying, "Thank you for caring about her and for helping her as much as you could."
"I will always care about Olivia," Buzz said, and there was no questioning the sincerity in his voice. "And you. The two of you are family to me." He paused, then added, "Though you really could have handled that thing with Frank a little better, you know."
"Had I known what I know now, it would never have happened." Natalia gave him a smile that was part apology, part appreciation. "You really are a good man, Buzz Cooper."
Buzz tilted his head to the side and gave her his most charming of smiles. "Rumor has it that's going around these days."