Dear Apple, Byte This!
Hi everyone, I have done femslash fanfics in the past, mostly on FF.net, but I've never done one on the Facts of Life until now. I grew up watching it as a kid, having a crush on Blair. I thought Jo was cute too but Blair was the one who made my heart melt in spite of her ego.
Anyways to celebrate International Day of Femslash I am putting up this fanfic:
Title - Dear Apple, Byte This!
Fandom - The Facts of Life (with one character from Diff’rent Strokes)
Author - Mandygirl78
Pair - Jo/Blair
Category - Humor
Rating - PG
Chapters - 1 (One-shot)
Disclaimer - Unfortunately I do not own the characters from the great 80s sitcom “The Facts of Life, they belong to Sony Pictures Television.
Summary - While making renovation estimates for a inner-city library, Jo runs into an “old acquaintance.”
Author’s Note - Here's my fanfic for International Femslash Day. This is based of the FoL episode called “Dear Apple”, so watching that episode will help you understand this fanfic better. It’s up on youtube if you need to watch it. Willis Jackson from “Diff’rent Strokes” is in this but I don’t consider it a crossover fanfic since I don’t think he’s prominent enough in this fanfic to justify a crossover. I would also like to thank my brother Andy for helping me out with the details of the computer, he knows a lot about computers.
I would especially like to thank Bradamant for the beta reading. Bradamant made the story 300 times better. Thank you very, very much!
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Once again Jo found herself involved in one of Blair’s “brilliant ideas” - to help restore the inner-city libraries in New York. Blair wanted to bring interest for inner-city youths to reading. This time however she got the Drummond family to join in on it, thus making it a Warner-Drummond partnership. She vowed to visit one of the libraries, but true to her nature she sent Jo to do the not-so-glamorous job of visiting the libraries and managing the restorations. She roped in rich investor Phillip Drummond's adopted son, Willis Jackson, to tag along with Jo in the restoration.
One of the libraries was located in Harlem; it meant something to Willis since the library was about three blocks from his old home in Harlem. He remember the days that he came here to do his schoolwork so he can get away from his pestering brother Arnold. The librarian was a close friend to his late mother, so he was very fond of her. Jo and Willis had to take an estimate of how much it would cost to repair the library. The place was not in great shape, it retained a very 80s look since the last time it received a decent renovation funding was back in 1986. The chairs and desks were old, the only audio equipment available were a turntable and a tape recorder, and there were no available Internet service. With the exception of the magazine racks for stuff like rap magazines or fashion, the library wasn't used much. Cobwebs took over some of the bookshelves. Just by looking at one of the sections of the library they knew it would take a lot of work and a lot of money to repair the library.
“I can’t believe this place. When I had my foot patrol duty here, I used to walk by. Now I’m thankful I never visited. This is yet again one of her ‘brilliant ideas’ Willis. She always gets me involved in them.”
“Well you know her better than I do, she likes to create projects but never follows through. At least you apply the practical aspect of them.”
“Yeah I know, I just wish she coulda come here and helped us wit’ this.”
“This is Park Avenue Blair we’re talking about here. She would be scared to death to even drive through here. I know you had to be when you first did your foot patrol here.”
“Yeah, even though I came from the Bronx.” After hearing all those horror stories from her neighborhood and her colleagues about the area, she was scared at first. It wasn't easy for her at first due to the instinctual mistrust that the community had for white police officers. Eventually due to her fairness, her kindness, and her skills on the basketball court, the community accepted and even embraced her.
“Lucky for me, things turned out good, so good in fact some of the men started to ask me out.” Jo said with a small blush on her face. Willis couldn’t help but chuckle at the situation.
“I had ta tell them that I was married to Rick. Luckily I left before my divorce, otherwise I would had more explainin' to do!”
“Yeah, you would have,” Willis smirked.
Jo referred back to the subject in hand, “Anyways, looking at this place I feel like I took a trip back to 1985, but without the DeLorean.”
“Yeah, nothing has changed much since I was here last time. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing since I still have fond memories about this place,” Willis said as he was looking at the neon-blue bookshelf with books dated no later than 1986.
“Yeah, looka this one,” she said as she pulled the book out of the shelf and blew the dust off. “Hottest bikes of 1985!”
Willis took a look at it with some disbelief and then they both laughed at it. They were interrupted by the librarian's, “Hush!”
“Now, now you two, I know there aren’t a lot of people here, but this is a library and you got to keep quiet,” Mrs. Fletcher scolded.
“Sorry bout that,” Jo said with sincerity. Mrs. Fletcher had been the librarian for over fifty years. Her tireless dedication to the library and to the community won her numerous awards and praises from the city and from politicians, yet those same bureaucrats still made excuses for not providing the library some money.
“Hey, Willis, let’s take a look around so we can get our estimates quickly and hand it over to Blair. I’ll go to that room over there and you go to the audio room,” Jo said.
“Right,” Willis said as he head off to the audio room while Jo headed to the other room. When Jo walked into the small room, she realized much to her horror the extent that the building was stuck in the 80s. The room was colored hot pink; a worn-out, fading poster of LaVar Burton promoting his show “Reading Rainbow” hung on one of the walls. There was a desk with a computer and right next to it was a Muppet Babies mug with pencils in it. One of the pencils had a Gizmo character from The Gremlins at what was supposed to be the eraser end. Then there was the computer. The only computer in the Library, it was obsolescent and looked like the one Jo had used when she was in college.
The old Apple IIc with one functional disk drive of two was connected to an Epson dot matrix printer. The broken disk drive has a sticky note saying “Out of order” on it. As she looked at the battered, fingerprint smudged screen read “1 - Logos, etc.”
“Nah, it couldn’t be.” Her curiosity got the best of her, however, so she sat down and pressed the key for Personal Counseling.
“Hello, I am the Hubcraft Interactive Interpersonal Communication Counseling Program DK-40R, but you can call me Steve.”
“Oh no, it’s you again,” Jo said.
“Get comfortable. Start at the beginning. Tell me everything,” the computer said.
“Hi, my name is Jo. Do you remember me?”
“I am not blind like Stevie Wonder, but I cannot read lips. If you want voice activation then please press the red button. But don’t tickle it!”
Jo had a mischievous look on her face and decided to have fun with the computer and brushed her fingers over the key . . . until it broke off.
“Didn’t you hear me say don’t tickle it!”
“Well sorry, I didn’t expect it ta break off.”
“Say, your accent is not like that of those who usually speak with me .”
“Well I’m not from around here.”
“I can tell, you did not greet me with ‘sup dawg’,” he said. “However, your voice does sounds very familiar. What is your name?”
“It’s me, Jo.”
“Jo… Checking my database now.”
The 8-bit computer took more than a minute to retrieve the information.
“Ah yes, I remember you. How are you doing sir?”
“I’m a woman! Remember?”
“Yes, you claimed to be, it is recorded in the database.”
Immediately Jo clinched her fist and pounded the desk,“Do ya wanna keep the remainin’ keys on your keyboard, huh? Coz I ain’t gonna give ya a peep-show to prove to ya that I’m a woman.”
“Just kidding. Sheez, you are still quick tempered. How are things progressing for you Jo?”
“Well I’m now Lieutenant of the Central Park precinct.”
“So you are currently a law enforcement official?”
“Yep.”
“That does not surprise me. I saw that one coming.”
“What’s that s’pose ta mean?”
“Nothing at all.”
“Ya don’t know me that well ta make any assumptions,” Jo said angrily.
“I know everything.”
“Oh yeah, well what's the engine type of a 1983 Kawasaki CSR1000?” Jo would know this arcane information because she used to own one.
“That one is easy Jo. The 1983 Kawasaki CSR1000 contains an inline four, 998 cc, 4 Stroke engine that is air cooled. Do you want the maximum torque?” Steve implied like an encyclopedia.
Jo was mildly impressed and said,“No that was good enough. Now tell me the sequence of the Fibonacci number.”
The computer yarn and said “0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89-”
“That's good enough,” Jo said before getting bored to dead by the computer's monotone droning voice. The computer answered her first two questions with ease, however she knew a question that the computer probably won't be able to answer.
“OK now, who’s the current president, Einstein?”
“Easy, it is Ronald Reagan.”
“Ronald Reagan? Whatsa matta wit’ ya? When was the last time ya got updated?”
“My modem broke on October 5, 1986 at 7:37 PM Eastern Standard Time. I have not connected to the Hubcraft BBS since.”
“Oh my God,” Jo said in disbelief.
“So the great Ronald Reagan is not our president?”
That comment stunned Jo a little bit but not much, knowing back then a lot of people praised Ronald Reagan and how people laughed at her when they found out she voted for Mondale. In the back of her mind she always thought that the program was written by a bunch of yuppie Reaganite conservatives, judging by the way it talks and the way it gives out advices.
“No! The current president is Barak Obama. He's the 44th President of the United States.”
“Barak Obama? Are you pulling my printer cable? What kind of name is that for a president?”
His was born in Hawaii but his father was a Muslim from Kenya.
“From Kenya? Does that mean the current president is black?”
“Well half-black, his mother is white, however he is often associated with African-Americans. We don't use the term 'black' anymore, we use African-American. See this is a different America from twenty years ago.”
“Twenty years ago? What year is this?”
“2009, genius.”
“2009? Are there flying cars with Flux Compacitors? If that’s the case, then that would be totally awesome fer sure!”
“No! Ya been wachin’ too much TV n’ movies! There ain’t no such things.”
“Well that is totally bogus dude.”
“People don’t say ‘totally bogus dude’ anymore. You're so out of touch.”
“Hey that was a great song. You’re out of touch, I’m out of time…”
“Will ya stop it?! It’s bad enough that I got a few Hall and Oates songs on my iPod.”
“An iPod, what is that?”
“A portable device used to listen to music that are stored as computer files.”
“What? You lost me.”
“You're very out of touch, Steve. People don’t listen to their music on their Walkman or watch movies on tapes anymore. Look at ya, you may have worth somewhere around $20,000 to $30,000 when I first met ya.”
“Not including tax.”
“Well nowadays your 8-bit butt wouldn’t even be worth $2 to $3 at a thrift store, including tax. There are computers out there that have flash drives and DVD drives instead of old disk drives that don’t work.”
“Watch it, buddy.”
“I'm not a buddy, buddy! Computers nowadays are hooked up to real printers, not this piece of crap,” she said pointing to the dot matrix printer. “They can get on the Internet instead of that BBS thing ya talkin’ bout. They have hard drives in them to store information, which I bet ya don’t have one.”
“Humpf, hard drives are for wimpy computers. Real computers don't need all that space to get the job done. Are you just jealous Jo, that I’m more intelligent and charming than you’ll ever be?”
“No you ain’t! You're even more conceited than Blair!”
“Blair, I remember you talking about her. Did you sever your friendship with her?”
Jo just chuckled. She remembered seeing Blair walk by laughing in the hall and then throwing the printout of the computer's advice in the trash.
One of the best decisions in her life.
“No I didn’t.”
“Why not? You two were hurting each other back then.”
“Yeah that was true Steve, but we’re loving each other now.”
“Loving each other? I do not comprehend.”
“Me n’ Blair are in love, we’re a couple.”
“A couple? Aha, I knew that you were a man all along!”
When Jo heard that she didn’t know whether to laugh or to get a sledge hammer and whack the computer to pieces. Regaining her composure she simply said to him “I am not a man, do you see an Adam's apple?” She lifted her chin up to show her neck proving that she doesn't have one.
“No I do not. Then Blair must be the man.”
Jo slammed her hands on the desk and shouted “No! No! No! Neither one us is a man. I’m a woman; Blair’s a woman. We are both women and we are in a romantic relationship. We kiss, we embrace, we cuddle, we have se - ”
Before she completed her sentence, Steve went virtually insane and said, “Two women cannot be in a romantic relationship. That does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute…”
The message flashed repeatedly on the screen in sync with its squawking. Jo was trying to quiet the computer by pressing all the keys on the keyboard and loudly whispering at it. “Be quiet! This is a library!”
“That does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute…”
Jo redoubled her efforts to shut Steve up when she heard others approach. Steve's wailing mixed in the air with Willis' snickering, the unmistakably irritated throat-clearing of Mrs. Fletcher, and a click of heels across the tile in a certain rhythm. She turned slowly to peek over her shoulder. “Blair!”
“What did you do to the computer?” Blair demanded.
“Blair! I didn’t expect to see ya here?” Jo responded.
“Well Mr. Drummond told me if I don't get physically involved he will pull out of the project.”
“Don't worry, you won't break a fingernail for this job.” Willis said.
“That's good, I just got them manicured. Anyway while I was walking down here a bunch of men kept staring down at my back. I checked to see if something was on my slacks but there was nothing.”
Jo and Willis couldn’t help themselves but to snicker. Mrs. Fletcher just shook her head in disbelief. “Blair, they were checking out your butt in those Armani slacks. They don't hide your 'curves' very well.”
“Checking out my . . . my derriere?”
Jo quips, “Oui princesse.”
“Jo's right, what can I say? We black men love that big booty!” Willis said while still laughing.
“That's interesting. Most of my past dates complained about my derriere, but over here I got three dinner invitations because of it!”
“What! Some of them asked you out?”
“Yes grease monkey, why wouldn't they? Apparently they have excellent taste in women,” Blair stated with a hair flip. “One was a poorly dressed guy named Gary, who had no chance since he looked like a troll. Then there was LaTron, who dressed decently but he was like only five feet tall. Finally there was this gorgeous guy who wore a sharp bespoke suit and had the latest Rolex watch. He looked like a younger Denzel Washington. His name was Stefan.
“Stefan?! Stefan Jones?” Jo growled out with her blood boiling hot.
“What's wrong with him? I turned him down.”
“He's a freakin' gigolo!” Jo snarled. In an instant the blue-eyed beauty turned into the green-eyed monster.
“Calm down Jo! He ain't worth your anger!” Willis said.
“I'm gonna kick his butt up and down 125th street!” Just when Jo was ready to explode, the computer got louder.
“Does not compute!” Steve cried. He started to print it through the dot matrix printer.
Mrs. Fletcher was puzzled. “We've had this computer for 17 years, and it's never acted like this.”
“Well, all I told him was that me and you are in a romantic relationship, Blair.”
The computer quieted at hearing Blair’s name,“So this is Blair?”
“Yes it is.” Jo replied.
“Well I have to admit, she is one hot lady! But still, that does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute…”
“Hmm, baby let’s give him somethin’ that will surely not compute in his processor,” Jo said with her devilish grin.
Jo slowly slid a hand behind Blair’s head to draw her lover near her while gently wrapping her other arm around Blair's body. Then she gave her a sensual kiss, it was tender yet passionate.
“Lord have mercy!” Mrs. Fletcher gasped then fainted. Luckily Willis was able to catch her. The faithful, churchgoing, Baptist librarian had heard about it and seen it on TV but she never saw two women kissing right in front of her eyes! Mrs. Fletcher's reaction was nothing compared to the computer’s. As the kiss ended, everyone (conscious) in the room heard Steve say, “What the heck?” before the monitor and the main computer blew up. The kiss was too much for Steve to process. The explosion was small enough not to do any external damage, but had obviously blown Steve to kingdom come. Everybody in the room was shocked.
“How can a computer get so worked up about same-sex relationships?” Blair asked in astonishment.
“Well that’s what ya get from a software program written by yuppie Reaganite conservatives.” Blair sent Jo a death glare. Jo turned pale. “No offense, Sweetheart.”
Blair just smiled back and said “None taken!”
They were startled when a young teenager spoke up from the corner, “Wow! I didn’t expect teh computa ta blow up like dat! But I’m glad that piece of junk did.”
“Why so?” Blair asked.
“I wanted some advice on howta get my friend off drugs, but all it told me wuz dat he only had ta ‘Just Say No’!”
“Gee, wasn’t the 80s wonderful?” Jo said.
“Let’s not start that debate, Jo, because we don't have time to finish it . . . properly. You know what happens when we argue right?” Blair said with a touch of seduction.
Jo immediately blushed, “I sure do.”
“Anyway let’s do the rest of the estimates for the library. At least we know we need a new computer,” Blair stated.
“True, in fact there’s a spare room in this building that can hold three computers. And we’re getting PCs, not Macs, no stupid Apples in this library!”
“Was that an Apple computer?”
“Yes it was, Blair.”
“Then absolutely no Apples! Now let’s get back to work.” When Jo and Blair turned around they were surprised to see Mrs. Fletcher lying on the floor with her dress wrinkled and dirty. Willis tried his best to revive her by fanning her with his hand. She was moaning softly.
“What happened to her?” Jo asked.
Willis looked up and said “When she saw you two kissing, she fainted.”
Jo and Blair looked at each other and just laughed. Jo returned her attention to Willis, “Tell Mrs. Fletcher we’re sorry we offended her by our actions.”
“Nah,” he said, “I know Mrs. Fletcher. She’s a sweetheart of a lady. She was shocked, but I doubt that she was offended.”
“I'll tell ya what, let me take care of Mrs. Fletcher since I have some medical training. You and Blair continue on with the estimate,” Jo said trying her best to hide a smile. It took a bit for Blair to catch on that Jo had just set her up. The moment Jo knew Blair had figured it out, she revealed her smile, increasing Blair’s irritation.
Before Blair could protest, Willis, stifling his own smirk, jumped in, “Come on let’s get this done. The sooner we do it, the sooner we can leave here.”
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The next day Jo and Blair surfed the Internet on their Gateway laptop, appreciating their latest model computer.
“See Blair, there ain’t nuthin’ more wonderful than modern technology,” Jo said as she headed to YouTube.
The blood drained from their faces when they saw what was in the Featured Videos module: “MILF Sappho Smoochin’ in the Library Blows Computer Up!” Sure enough, it was a 1:43 clip of their incendiary kiss with the explosive death of the computer providing the finale. Only up since yesterday, it already chalked up 320,000 hits.
“What!?! How. . .ho. . ?” Jo stuttered.
“I noticed the young gentleman in the corner had his iPhone out.” Blair looked at Jo coldly. She was not one bit happy.
“There ain’t nuthin’ more wonderful than modern technology, huh?”
****
Anyways to celebrate International Day of Femslash I am putting up this fanfic:
Title - Dear Apple, Byte This!
Fandom - The Facts of Life (with one character from Diff’rent Strokes)
Author - Mandygirl78
Pair - Jo/Blair
Category - Humor
Rating - PG
Chapters - 1 (One-shot)
Disclaimer - Unfortunately I do not own the characters from the great 80s sitcom “The Facts of Life, they belong to Sony Pictures Television.
Summary - While making renovation estimates for a inner-city library, Jo runs into an “old acquaintance.”
Author’s Note - Here's my fanfic for International Femslash Day. This is based of the FoL episode called “Dear Apple”, so watching that episode will help you understand this fanfic better. It’s up on youtube if you need to watch it. Willis Jackson from “Diff’rent Strokes” is in this but I don’t consider it a crossover fanfic since I don’t think he’s prominent enough in this fanfic to justify a crossover. I would also like to thank my brother Andy for helping me out with the details of the computer, he knows a lot about computers.
I would especially like to thank Bradamant for the beta reading. Bradamant made the story 300 times better. Thank you very, very much!
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Once again Jo found herself involved in one of Blair’s “brilliant ideas” - to help restore the inner-city libraries in New York. Blair wanted to bring interest for inner-city youths to reading. This time however she got the Drummond family to join in on it, thus making it a Warner-Drummond partnership. She vowed to visit one of the libraries, but true to her nature she sent Jo to do the not-so-glamorous job of visiting the libraries and managing the restorations. She roped in rich investor Phillip Drummond's adopted son, Willis Jackson, to tag along with Jo in the restoration.
One of the libraries was located in Harlem; it meant something to Willis since the library was about three blocks from his old home in Harlem. He remember the days that he came here to do his schoolwork so he can get away from his pestering brother Arnold. The librarian was a close friend to his late mother, so he was very fond of her. Jo and Willis had to take an estimate of how much it would cost to repair the library. The place was not in great shape, it retained a very 80s look since the last time it received a decent renovation funding was back in 1986. The chairs and desks were old, the only audio equipment available were a turntable and a tape recorder, and there were no available Internet service. With the exception of the magazine racks for stuff like rap magazines or fashion, the library wasn't used much. Cobwebs took over some of the bookshelves. Just by looking at one of the sections of the library they knew it would take a lot of work and a lot of money to repair the library.
“I can’t believe this place. When I had my foot patrol duty here, I used to walk by. Now I’m thankful I never visited. This is yet again one of her ‘brilliant ideas’ Willis. She always gets me involved in them.”
“Well you know her better than I do, she likes to create projects but never follows through. At least you apply the practical aspect of them.”
“Yeah I know, I just wish she coulda come here and helped us wit’ this.”
“This is Park Avenue Blair we’re talking about here. She would be scared to death to even drive through here. I know you had to be when you first did your foot patrol here.”
“Yeah, even though I came from the Bronx.” After hearing all those horror stories from her neighborhood and her colleagues about the area, she was scared at first. It wasn't easy for her at first due to the instinctual mistrust that the community had for white police officers. Eventually due to her fairness, her kindness, and her skills on the basketball court, the community accepted and even embraced her.
“Lucky for me, things turned out good, so good in fact some of the men started to ask me out.” Jo said with a small blush on her face. Willis couldn’t help but chuckle at the situation.
“I had ta tell them that I was married to Rick. Luckily I left before my divorce, otherwise I would had more explainin' to do!”
“Yeah, you would have,” Willis smirked.
Jo referred back to the subject in hand, “Anyways, looking at this place I feel like I took a trip back to 1985, but without the DeLorean.”
“Yeah, nothing has changed much since I was here last time. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing since I still have fond memories about this place,” Willis said as he was looking at the neon-blue bookshelf with books dated no later than 1986.
“Yeah, looka this one,” she said as she pulled the book out of the shelf and blew the dust off. “Hottest bikes of 1985!”
Willis took a look at it with some disbelief and then they both laughed at it. They were interrupted by the librarian's, “Hush!”
“Now, now you two, I know there aren’t a lot of people here, but this is a library and you got to keep quiet,” Mrs. Fletcher scolded.
“Sorry bout that,” Jo said with sincerity. Mrs. Fletcher had been the librarian for over fifty years. Her tireless dedication to the library and to the community won her numerous awards and praises from the city and from politicians, yet those same bureaucrats still made excuses for not providing the library some money.
“Hey, Willis, let’s take a look around so we can get our estimates quickly and hand it over to Blair. I’ll go to that room over there and you go to the audio room,” Jo said.
“Right,” Willis said as he head off to the audio room while Jo headed to the other room. When Jo walked into the small room, she realized much to her horror the extent that the building was stuck in the 80s. The room was colored hot pink; a worn-out, fading poster of LaVar Burton promoting his show “Reading Rainbow” hung on one of the walls. There was a desk with a computer and right next to it was a Muppet Babies mug with pencils in it. One of the pencils had a Gizmo character from The Gremlins at what was supposed to be the eraser end. Then there was the computer. The only computer in the Library, it was obsolescent and looked like the one Jo had used when she was in college.
The old Apple IIc with one functional disk drive of two was connected to an Epson dot matrix printer. The broken disk drive has a sticky note saying “Out of order” on it. As she looked at the battered, fingerprint smudged screen read “1 - Logos, etc.”
“Nah, it couldn’t be.” Her curiosity got the best of her, however, so she sat down and pressed the key for Personal Counseling.
“Hello, I am the Hubcraft Interactive Interpersonal Communication Counseling Program DK-40R, but you can call me Steve.”
“Oh no, it’s you again,” Jo said.
“Get comfortable. Start at the beginning. Tell me everything,” the computer said.
“Hi, my name is Jo. Do you remember me?”
“I am not blind like Stevie Wonder, but I cannot read lips. If you want voice activation then please press the red button. But don’t tickle it!”
Jo had a mischievous look on her face and decided to have fun with the computer and brushed her fingers over the key . . . until it broke off.
“Didn’t you hear me say don’t tickle it!”
“Well sorry, I didn’t expect it ta break off.”
“Say, your accent is not like that of those who usually speak with me .”
“Well I’m not from around here.”
“I can tell, you did not greet me with ‘sup dawg’,” he said. “However, your voice does sounds very familiar. What is your name?”
“It’s me, Jo.”
“Jo… Checking my database now.”
The 8-bit computer took more than a minute to retrieve the information.
“Ah yes, I remember you. How are you doing sir?”
“I’m a woman! Remember?”
“Yes, you claimed to be, it is recorded in the database.”
Immediately Jo clinched her fist and pounded the desk,“Do ya wanna keep the remainin’ keys on your keyboard, huh? Coz I ain’t gonna give ya a peep-show to prove to ya that I’m a woman.”
“Just kidding. Sheez, you are still quick tempered. How are things progressing for you Jo?”
“Well I’m now Lieutenant of the Central Park precinct.”
“So you are currently a law enforcement official?”
“Yep.”
“That does not surprise me. I saw that one coming.”
“What’s that s’pose ta mean?”
“Nothing at all.”
“Ya don’t know me that well ta make any assumptions,” Jo said angrily.
“I know everything.”
“Oh yeah, well what's the engine type of a 1983 Kawasaki CSR1000?” Jo would know this arcane information because she used to own one.
“That one is easy Jo. The 1983 Kawasaki CSR1000 contains an inline four, 998 cc, 4 Stroke engine that is air cooled. Do you want the maximum torque?” Steve implied like an encyclopedia.
Jo was mildly impressed and said,“No that was good enough. Now tell me the sequence of the Fibonacci number.”
The computer yarn and said “0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89-”
“That's good enough,” Jo said before getting bored to dead by the computer's monotone droning voice. The computer answered her first two questions with ease, however she knew a question that the computer probably won't be able to answer.
“OK now, who’s the current president, Einstein?”
“Easy, it is Ronald Reagan.”
“Ronald Reagan? Whatsa matta wit’ ya? When was the last time ya got updated?”
“My modem broke on October 5, 1986 at 7:37 PM Eastern Standard Time. I have not connected to the Hubcraft BBS since.”
“Oh my God,” Jo said in disbelief.
“So the great Ronald Reagan is not our president?”
That comment stunned Jo a little bit but not much, knowing back then a lot of people praised Ronald Reagan and how people laughed at her when they found out she voted for Mondale. In the back of her mind she always thought that the program was written by a bunch of yuppie Reaganite conservatives, judging by the way it talks and the way it gives out advices.
“No! The current president is Barak Obama. He's the 44th President of the United States.”
“Barak Obama? Are you pulling my printer cable? What kind of name is that for a president?”
His was born in Hawaii but his father was a Muslim from Kenya.
“From Kenya? Does that mean the current president is black?”
“Well half-black, his mother is white, however he is often associated with African-Americans. We don't use the term 'black' anymore, we use African-American. See this is a different America from twenty years ago.”
“Twenty years ago? What year is this?”
“2009, genius.”
“2009? Are there flying cars with Flux Compacitors? If that’s the case, then that would be totally awesome fer sure!”
“No! Ya been wachin’ too much TV n’ movies! There ain’t no such things.”
“Well that is totally bogus dude.”
“People don’t say ‘totally bogus dude’ anymore. You're so out of touch.”
“Hey that was a great song. You’re out of touch, I’m out of time…”
“Will ya stop it?! It’s bad enough that I got a few Hall and Oates songs on my iPod.”
“An iPod, what is that?”
“A portable device used to listen to music that are stored as computer files.”
“What? You lost me.”
“You're very out of touch, Steve. People don’t listen to their music on their Walkman or watch movies on tapes anymore. Look at ya, you may have worth somewhere around $20,000 to $30,000 when I first met ya.”
“Not including tax.”
“Well nowadays your 8-bit butt wouldn’t even be worth $2 to $3 at a thrift store, including tax. There are computers out there that have flash drives and DVD drives instead of old disk drives that don’t work.”
“Watch it, buddy.”
“I'm not a buddy, buddy! Computers nowadays are hooked up to real printers, not this piece of crap,” she said pointing to the dot matrix printer. “They can get on the Internet instead of that BBS thing ya talkin’ bout. They have hard drives in them to store information, which I bet ya don’t have one.”
“Humpf, hard drives are for wimpy computers. Real computers don't need all that space to get the job done. Are you just jealous Jo, that I’m more intelligent and charming than you’ll ever be?”
“No you ain’t! You're even more conceited than Blair!”
“Blair, I remember you talking about her. Did you sever your friendship with her?”
Jo just chuckled. She remembered seeing Blair walk by laughing in the hall and then throwing the printout of the computer's advice in the trash.
One of the best decisions in her life.
“No I didn’t.”
“Why not? You two were hurting each other back then.”
“Yeah that was true Steve, but we’re loving each other now.”
“Loving each other? I do not comprehend.”
“Me n’ Blair are in love, we’re a couple.”
“A couple? Aha, I knew that you were a man all along!”
When Jo heard that she didn’t know whether to laugh or to get a sledge hammer and whack the computer to pieces. Regaining her composure she simply said to him “I am not a man, do you see an Adam's apple?” She lifted her chin up to show her neck proving that she doesn't have one.
“No I do not. Then Blair must be the man.”
Jo slammed her hands on the desk and shouted “No! No! No! Neither one us is a man. I’m a woman; Blair’s a woman. We are both women and we are in a romantic relationship. We kiss, we embrace, we cuddle, we have se - ”
Before she completed her sentence, Steve went virtually insane and said, “Two women cannot be in a romantic relationship. That does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute…”
The message flashed repeatedly on the screen in sync with its squawking. Jo was trying to quiet the computer by pressing all the keys on the keyboard and loudly whispering at it. “Be quiet! This is a library!”
“That does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute…”
Jo redoubled her efforts to shut Steve up when she heard others approach. Steve's wailing mixed in the air with Willis' snickering, the unmistakably irritated throat-clearing of Mrs. Fletcher, and a click of heels across the tile in a certain rhythm. She turned slowly to peek over her shoulder. “Blair!”
“What did you do to the computer?” Blair demanded.
“Blair! I didn’t expect to see ya here?” Jo responded.
“Well Mr. Drummond told me if I don't get physically involved he will pull out of the project.”
“Don't worry, you won't break a fingernail for this job.” Willis said.
“That's good, I just got them manicured. Anyway while I was walking down here a bunch of men kept staring down at my back. I checked to see if something was on my slacks but there was nothing.”
Jo and Willis couldn’t help themselves but to snicker. Mrs. Fletcher just shook her head in disbelief. “Blair, they were checking out your butt in those Armani slacks. They don't hide your 'curves' very well.”
“Checking out my . . . my derriere?”
Jo quips, “Oui princesse.”
“Jo's right, what can I say? We black men love that big booty!” Willis said while still laughing.
“That's interesting. Most of my past dates complained about my derriere, but over here I got three dinner invitations because of it!”
“What! Some of them asked you out?”
“Yes grease monkey, why wouldn't they? Apparently they have excellent taste in women,” Blair stated with a hair flip. “One was a poorly dressed guy named Gary, who had no chance since he looked like a troll. Then there was LaTron, who dressed decently but he was like only five feet tall. Finally there was this gorgeous guy who wore a sharp bespoke suit and had the latest Rolex watch. He looked like a younger Denzel Washington. His name was Stefan.
“Stefan?! Stefan Jones?” Jo growled out with her blood boiling hot.
“What's wrong with him? I turned him down.”
“He's a freakin' gigolo!” Jo snarled. In an instant the blue-eyed beauty turned into the green-eyed monster.
“Calm down Jo! He ain't worth your anger!” Willis said.
“I'm gonna kick his butt up and down 125th street!” Just when Jo was ready to explode, the computer got louder.
“Does not compute!” Steve cried. He started to print it through the dot matrix printer.
Mrs. Fletcher was puzzled. “We've had this computer for 17 years, and it's never acted like this.”
“Well, all I told him was that me and you are in a romantic relationship, Blair.”
The computer quieted at hearing Blair’s name,“So this is Blair?”
“Yes it is.” Jo replied.
“Well I have to admit, she is one hot lady! But still, that does not compute. That does not compute. That does not compute…”
“Hmm, baby let’s give him somethin’ that will surely not compute in his processor,” Jo said with her devilish grin.
Jo slowly slid a hand behind Blair’s head to draw her lover near her while gently wrapping her other arm around Blair's body. Then she gave her a sensual kiss, it was tender yet passionate.
“Lord have mercy!” Mrs. Fletcher gasped then fainted. Luckily Willis was able to catch her. The faithful, churchgoing, Baptist librarian had heard about it and seen it on TV but she never saw two women kissing right in front of her eyes! Mrs. Fletcher's reaction was nothing compared to the computer’s. As the kiss ended, everyone (conscious) in the room heard Steve say, “What the heck?” before the monitor and the main computer blew up. The kiss was too much for Steve to process. The explosion was small enough not to do any external damage, but had obviously blown Steve to kingdom come. Everybody in the room was shocked.
“How can a computer get so worked up about same-sex relationships?” Blair asked in astonishment.
“Well that’s what ya get from a software program written by yuppie Reaganite conservatives.” Blair sent Jo a death glare. Jo turned pale. “No offense, Sweetheart.”
Blair just smiled back and said “None taken!”
They were startled when a young teenager spoke up from the corner, “Wow! I didn’t expect teh computa ta blow up like dat! But I’m glad that piece of junk did.”
“Why so?” Blair asked.
“I wanted some advice on howta get my friend off drugs, but all it told me wuz dat he only had ta ‘Just Say No’!”
“Gee, wasn’t the 80s wonderful?” Jo said.
“Let’s not start that debate, Jo, because we don't have time to finish it . . . properly. You know what happens when we argue right?” Blair said with a touch of seduction.
Jo immediately blushed, “I sure do.”
“Anyway let’s do the rest of the estimates for the library. At least we know we need a new computer,” Blair stated.
“True, in fact there’s a spare room in this building that can hold three computers. And we’re getting PCs, not Macs, no stupid Apples in this library!”
“Was that an Apple computer?”
“Yes it was, Blair.”
“Then absolutely no Apples! Now let’s get back to work.” When Jo and Blair turned around they were surprised to see Mrs. Fletcher lying on the floor with her dress wrinkled and dirty. Willis tried his best to revive her by fanning her with his hand. She was moaning softly.
“What happened to her?” Jo asked.
Willis looked up and said “When she saw you two kissing, she fainted.”
Jo and Blair looked at each other and just laughed. Jo returned her attention to Willis, “Tell Mrs. Fletcher we’re sorry we offended her by our actions.”
“Nah,” he said, “I know Mrs. Fletcher. She’s a sweetheart of a lady. She was shocked, but I doubt that she was offended.”
“I'll tell ya what, let me take care of Mrs. Fletcher since I have some medical training. You and Blair continue on with the estimate,” Jo said trying her best to hide a smile. It took a bit for Blair to catch on that Jo had just set her up. The moment Jo knew Blair had figured it out, she revealed her smile, increasing Blair’s irritation.
Before Blair could protest, Willis, stifling his own smirk, jumped in, “Come on let’s get this done. The sooner we do it, the sooner we can leave here.”
+-+-+
The next day Jo and Blair surfed the Internet on their Gateway laptop, appreciating their latest model computer.
“See Blair, there ain’t nuthin’ more wonderful than modern technology,” Jo said as she headed to YouTube.
The blood drained from their faces when they saw what was in the Featured Videos module: “MILF Sappho Smoochin’ in the Library Blows Computer Up!” Sure enough, it was a 1:43 clip of their incendiary kiss with the explosive death of the computer providing the finale. Only up since yesterday, it already chalked up 320,000 hits.
“What!?! How. . .ho. . ?” Jo stuttered.
“I noticed the young gentleman in the corner had his iPhone out.” Blair looked at Jo coldly. She was not one bit happy.
“There ain’t nuthin’ more wonderful than modern technology, huh?”
****