(no subject)
Im not in a good place. psychologically off. I was fine yesterday. okay today. but not really okay, I guess Im just trying to sugarcoat so that everyone will think Im okay, so I will feel a sense of accomplishment in my progression through these difficult times. who am I kidding though, I'm fucking miserable and nothing I do makes me feel the least bit better. or maybe it's what I don't do. I still havent' gotten a job or started volunteer work. thinking about it all makes me feel... fatigued. this medication is starting to make me sleep too much. or maybe it's something else. my dreams aren't helping any, just jealousy, angry, confusing, lonely. I never knew I would become so accustomed to that word. Lonely. for so many years I never knew what it was like to be lonely, maybe I did. but back then I felt child lonely, for child problems with a child's perspective on life. I guess it's a little different now. where has everybody gone? maybe Im the one who's disappearing. fading away into memories that don't matter much anymore. how come the truth is always so disappointing... why can't my mind ever coincide with reality? I guess Im just complaining too much. maybe the truth about myself is what's most disappointing of all. these books I read dont do shit for me, I still feel lonely and miserable and unconfident and self conscious. instead of it all being a shock now it's just a dull, continuous pain that weighs my very soul down. I find myself .. alone. alone alone. what's wrong with that though, it seems everybody is alone, drowning slowly, sinking. nah that's just being pessimistic, one random viewpoint in an ocean of happiness and sorrow. I could easily say things are getting better, one step towards my goal. whatever it is. god I hate how I have to beg for people's attention now, why is it that I feel like Im such a failure? what have I failed... I dont even feel like typing anymore, but Im so bored and lonely that the thought of laying on my bed seems too heartbreaking to go through with. my ass is numb now.. sitting in this slumped position for too long. i hate this fucking cycle where I need to be confident in myself, but then when I realize Im not as great as I think I am I feel disappointed. for instance I feel attractive, I feel like Im good looking, but when Im put to the test Im always shut down or looked over or whatever. why cant I be fucking hot? God what the FUCK why am I turning into a whiny little asshole now? thats how I used to be! I shouldnt even worry about this stuff anymore. I should just go to sleep. sleep.