judges and judgement.
At the dim sum restaurant:
A girl behind me raises her voice at her dad, 'you can't be serious dad. you think it's so easy to get an 86% average? i'd like to see you get an 86% average.' Her father replies sternly that she is just lazy and if she worked her ass off she would get onto honour roll. Her sister adds fuel to the fire. I cannot see their faces but I know they're not Asian. The father uses words like 'shut up' and 'ass' in conversations with his daughters. She studies at the same university as me. Their conversation carries on and they judge some other kid with learning disabilities and debate whether she achieved success via hard work or gracious allowances.
At dinner in residence:
This boy and girl talk about being fat and eating. Except they are talking about people they know who eat a lot and are stick thin. There is a differentiation between 'fat thin' and 'thin thin'. Eating a lot is measured by someone's ability to eat a whole bag of chips in one sitting. I think to myself, well that sounds an awful lot like me. I get up and leave; my tray has a whole plate of pasta untouched.
And then there is the five of us who somehow got involved with each other. I guess I can only blame myself for suggesting we go on a trip together. I still cherish the memories of that trip, but I am afraid of what I might have created.
When I first met you, I held you in high regard. You were one of those boys whom girls all fell for, I just knew it looking at you. God-fearing, God-loving, quiet and reserved. And then you, I started off not knowing if I could trust you because you said what you wanted to say when you wanted to say it. And I wondered what would happen if I told you something about myself I didn't want people to know about.
And right now I feel like the tables have turned.
I feel like maybe I should hole myself up again, make myself inaccessible to others. I don't want to see you manipulate others. At least, that's what I feel that you're doing. And you, I tried to trust you, I had to trust you for the first problem to end. Except now I'm not sure if solving the first problem was what I really wanted. Or maybe it was, but then you just jump from team to team hoping that you'd eventually bet on the winning horse. And that makes me sad because it makes me feel like you're disloyal.
And what frustrates me even more is that I enjoy being around you both. I appreciate the company, the dinners, the conversations, the sharing. But I cannot bring myself to enjoy your presences if I know that deep down I do not agree with what you are doing and the people that my inner eye is perceiving you to be.
Maybe from today on I will distance myself.
Be alone, have solitude. Be quiet.
A girl behind me raises her voice at her dad, 'you can't be serious dad. you think it's so easy to get an 86% average? i'd like to see you get an 86% average.' Her father replies sternly that she is just lazy and if she worked her ass off she would get onto honour roll. Her sister adds fuel to the fire. I cannot see their faces but I know they're not Asian. The father uses words like 'shut up' and 'ass' in conversations with his daughters. She studies at the same university as me. Their conversation carries on and they judge some other kid with learning disabilities and debate whether she achieved success via hard work or gracious allowances.
At dinner in residence:
This boy and girl talk about being fat and eating. Except they are talking about people they know who eat a lot and are stick thin. There is a differentiation between 'fat thin' and 'thin thin'. Eating a lot is measured by someone's ability to eat a whole bag of chips in one sitting. I think to myself, well that sounds an awful lot like me. I get up and leave; my tray has a whole plate of pasta untouched.
And then there is the five of us who somehow got involved with each other. I guess I can only blame myself for suggesting we go on a trip together. I still cherish the memories of that trip, but I am afraid of what I might have created.
When I first met you, I held you in high regard. You were one of those boys whom girls all fell for, I just knew it looking at you. God-fearing, God-loving, quiet and reserved. And then you, I started off not knowing if I could trust you because you said what you wanted to say when you wanted to say it. And I wondered what would happen if I told you something about myself I didn't want people to know about.
And right now I feel like the tables have turned.
I feel like maybe I should hole myself up again, make myself inaccessible to others. I don't want to see you manipulate others. At least, that's what I feel that you're doing. And you, I tried to trust you, I had to trust you for the first problem to end. Except now I'm not sure if solving the first problem was what I really wanted. Or maybe it was, but then you just jump from team to team hoping that you'd eventually bet on the winning horse. And that makes me sad because it makes me feel like you're disloyal.
And what frustrates me even more is that I enjoy being around you both. I appreciate the company, the dinners, the conversations, the sharing. But I cannot bring myself to enjoy your presences if I know that deep down I do not agree with what you are doing and the people that my inner eye is perceiving you to be.
Maybe from today on I will distance myself.
Be alone, have solitude. Be quiet.