Cordelia Chase | btvs/ats | 3/?knowmypurposeMarch 1 2011, 05:06:12 UTC
One of Cordelia’s biggest fears and insecurities is the fact that she has them at all. She’s done a very good job all her life to appear to be tough as nails, like nothing gets to her. In reality, this isn’t true at all. She doesn’t care what nameless others think of her, but what her friends think of her? That’s vitally important to her. This is why she is so hurt when she hears Angel talking about her being too weak to handle things in the episode “Birthday”-- because she likes to think that her friends think better of her, and that she’s become more than the cheerleader who would scream and run away from monsters back in Sunnydale. It bothers her so much that she overcompensates and accepts Skip’s offer, just to prove to herself that she didn’t need them. But it also seemed like a part of her also thought they didn’t need her, which is why the events of that episode are so important to her.
Another big insecurity of hers is being second best. A lot of this stems from her relationship with Xander, which is still probably the only long term, real relationship she’s had. Even though she really had strong feelings for him, she always felt like he cared about Buffy and Willow more. This was reinforced by the fact that she found him cheating on her with not just anyone, but Willow of all people. Willow was someone she used to tease and make fun of, then here’s this guy she really cared about, who she had once also seen as beneath her, cheating on her with the object of her teasing. Though she never talks about Xander or that relationship once she moves over to the series Angel, I think it left a rather large scar in her psyche, even if she doesn’t want to admit it. As she develops feelings for Angel throughout the series, it always seemed like that same insecurity built up inside about Buffy. Even if he ever returned her feelings, he’d always love Buffy more and Buffy would always come first.
Cordelia also wonders sometimes if the things that have happened to her since she’s been in L.A. are punishment for what a bitch she was in Sunnydale. This is best examined in the episode “Room With A View” where she feels like being tortured by a ghost is her punishment, and that she deserves it. Although by the end of the episode, she accepts that being a bitch is part of who she is, it really shone some light on her deeper insecurities. Even when she doesn’t show it, she does bear regret over the things she’s done in the past, and the person she’s been in the past. This is also revisited in "That Vision Thing" in season three, when she thinks she is being punished for the type of person she's been.
Also, Cordelia is the type of person who keeps everything from people around her, almost to a fault. She refuses to ask for help. This is shown first in the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when she doesn’t tell anyone else about her family losing money. Xander only finds out because he discovers her working to save up for her prom dress. She doesn’t want anyone’s pity, and refuses to give them the chance to help; she’d rather just handle it herself. This is also seen in the third season of Angel, when she goes unconscious due to one of her visions. What Angel and the others discover is that she’s been taking heavy duty painkillers for her pain. Not only that, but she had seen doctors, had CAT scans, and had found out that she was dying from the visions, but she still didn’t tell anyone about it. The way she saw it, it was her burden to carry, not anybody else’s.
Another big insecurity of hers is being second best. A lot of this stems from her relationship with Xander, which is still probably the only long term, real relationship she’s had. Even though she really had strong feelings for him, she always felt like he cared about Buffy and Willow more. This was reinforced by the fact that she found him cheating on her with not just anyone, but Willow of all people. Willow was someone she used to tease and make fun of, then here’s this guy she really cared about, who she had once also seen as beneath her, cheating on her with the object of her teasing. Though she never talks about Xander or that relationship once she moves over to the series Angel, I think it left a rather large scar in her psyche, even if she doesn’t want to admit it. As she develops feelings for Angel throughout the series, it always seemed like that same insecurity built up inside about Buffy. Even if he ever returned her feelings, he’d always love Buffy more and Buffy would always come first.
Cordelia also wonders sometimes if the things that have happened to her since she’s been in L.A. are punishment for what a bitch she was in Sunnydale. This is best examined in the episode “Room With A View” where she feels like being tortured by a ghost is her punishment, and that she deserves it. Although by the end of the episode, she accepts that being a bitch is part of who she is, it really shone some light on her deeper insecurities. Even when she doesn’t show it, she does bear regret over the things she’s done in the past, and the person she’s been in the past. This is also revisited in "That Vision Thing" in season three, when she thinks she is being punished for the type of person she's been.
Also, Cordelia is the type of person who keeps everything from people around her, almost to a fault. She refuses to ask for help. This is shown first in the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when she doesn’t tell anyone else about her family losing money. Xander only finds out because he discovers her working to save up for her prom dress. She doesn’t want anyone’s pity, and refuses to give them the chance to help; she’d rather just handle it herself. This is also seen in the third season of Angel, when she goes unconscious due to one of her visions. What Angel and the others discover is that she’s been taking heavy duty painkillers for her pain.
Not only that, but she had seen doctors, had CAT scans, and had found out that she was dying from the visions, but she still didn’t tell anyone about it. The way she saw it, it was her burden to carry, not anybody else’s.
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