Argh.
Parents who don't understand that there is a difference between spanking a child and beating a child, and who don't understand that there is a difference between not giving in to a child and repeatedly hitting them because you're embarrassed and don't know how to parent, should lose their children.
Seriously. It takes a lot for me to advocate breaking up a family, but jesus.
The woman ahead of us in line when we were picking up supplies at Target today was smacking the shit out of her toddler son. It was clear from the conversation that the conflict had started over whether or not he could have a toy today, but by the time we got in line he was just holding the spot where she kept hitting him and sobbing. He wasn't screaming, wasn't throwing a temper fit, wasn't even crying that loudly (you couldn't hear him the next aisle over)...just bawling, in a very sad kind of way, because it hurt. And she was snapping at him to "dry it up" and "stop embarrassing [her]" and hitting him some more to make him "stop crying" (cause, you know, getting slapped repeatedly really makes it easy to stop crying). By the time she threatened him with the beating he was gonna get when they got to the car, and explained that no matter what he did it was gonna wear him out, but it would be worse and worse the more he cried, John and I were clearly uncomfortable, and she finally picked up on it. She apologized to us for the fit he was throwing, and John, because he's not the most tactful person in the world (and I love him for it), said quietly "The kid's not the problem."
All hell broke loose, of course, and we got to here a ranting, furious, pathetically defensive tirade about how you can't give in to a child, how she's a teacher and someone should have been disciplining her kids (god am I glad I'll never have children in that woman's district), that's the main problem she sees with them, and how when we grow up and have kids we might understand but until then she was right, and we owed it to her to recognize that (no shit, she actually said that. It was amazing).
Saw her ID as she was paying--she's two years younger than me. Charming.
I don't advocate giving your child everything he ever wants. I'm a fan of a quick spank to make him stop screaming long enough to pay attention to you when you tell him no, and that the fit isn't gonna get him anywhere. I'm a big fan of consequences for your actions, and if a kid throws a fit when they don't get what they want they sure as hell are gonna not get it, and probably not get it next time either as an added consequence. But a spanking happens once, and maybe again later if the situation persists--it's not hitting, over and over and over again, pausing to load the things in your cart onto the conveyor and then returning to hit some more. And a child throwing a tantrum is different from a child clutching red, inflamed skin and crying. That kid stopped crying about the toy a long time ago. Now he's crying because he's hurt and he's not going to "learn" anything from what you're doing to him. And I get that sometimes you get tired and worn out and fed up...but, you know, I get tired and worn out and fed up with a lot of things and I still manage to avoid hitting people all the time. If I can manage to not beat my cat when he pukes everywhere because I tried to change his expensive, expensive diet, you can discipline your son--or even just cope with your son--without hitting him too.
But, you know, it's good to know that my parent's parenting styles are alive and well in my generation. And I know the kid has a 50-50 shot at turning out ok despite it--fuck, I'm not perfect, but I'm not a bad person. But if he does, I bet he'll be a lot like me--lots of resentment, lots of disgust, and at least one set of grandparents he's going to be very careful only ever get limited access to his children. And she'll never understand why.
It's a little sad, but I'm constantly amused by the fact that Bill and Ivan are two of the best parents I've ever met. Zach doesn't get everything he wants, and he can be whiny but it doesn't get put up with, and stops fairly quickly because he knows he can't get away with it--he clearly gets punished but he also clearly knows why and I've never seen either of them even have to spank him--and he's also clearly doted on and supported and knows his papa and daddy love him very dearly, and that whatever he needs and whatever he wants within reason is going to be there for him. They're poster children for good parenting, and something like half the people in this country would have opposed them being allowed to adopt in the first place. And yet that woman can have as many babies as she wants and spend her whole life never learning that hitting your kids isn't necessary or ok.
It makes me really angry. And really sad.
Seriously. It takes a lot for me to advocate breaking up a family, but jesus.
The woman ahead of us in line when we were picking up supplies at Target today was smacking the shit out of her toddler son. It was clear from the conversation that the conflict had started over whether or not he could have a toy today, but by the time we got in line he was just holding the spot where she kept hitting him and sobbing. He wasn't screaming, wasn't throwing a temper fit, wasn't even crying that loudly (you couldn't hear him the next aisle over)...just bawling, in a very sad kind of way, because it hurt. And she was snapping at him to "dry it up" and "stop embarrassing [her]" and hitting him some more to make him "stop crying" (cause, you know, getting slapped repeatedly really makes it easy to stop crying). By the time she threatened him with the beating he was gonna get when they got to the car, and explained that no matter what he did it was gonna wear him out, but it would be worse and worse the more he cried, John and I were clearly uncomfortable, and she finally picked up on it. She apologized to us for the fit he was throwing, and John, because he's not the most tactful person in the world (and I love him for it), said quietly "The kid's not the problem."
All hell broke loose, of course, and we got to here a ranting, furious, pathetically defensive tirade about how you can't give in to a child, how she's a teacher and someone should have been disciplining her kids (god am I glad I'll never have children in that woman's district), that's the main problem she sees with them, and how when we grow up and have kids we might understand but until then she was right, and we owed it to her to recognize that (no shit, she actually said that. It was amazing).
Saw her ID as she was paying--she's two years younger than me. Charming.
I don't advocate giving your child everything he ever wants. I'm a fan of a quick spank to make him stop screaming long enough to pay attention to you when you tell him no, and that the fit isn't gonna get him anywhere. I'm a big fan of consequences for your actions, and if a kid throws a fit when they don't get what they want they sure as hell are gonna not get it, and probably not get it next time either as an added consequence. But a spanking happens once, and maybe again later if the situation persists--it's not hitting, over and over and over again, pausing to load the things in your cart onto the conveyor and then returning to hit some more. And a child throwing a tantrum is different from a child clutching red, inflamed skin and crying. That kid stopped crying about the toy a long time ago. Now he's crying because he's hurt and he's not going to "learn" anything from what you're doing to him. And I get that sometimes you get tired and worn out and fed up...but, you know, I get tired and worn out and fed up with a lot of things and I still manage to avoid hitting people all the time. If I can manage to not beat my cat when he pukes everywhere because I tried to change his expensive, expensive diet, you can discipline your son--or even just cope with your son--without hitting him too.
But, you know, it's good to know that my parent's parenting styles are alive and well in my generation. And I know the kid has a 50-50 shot at turning out ok despite it--fuck, I'm not perfect, but I'm not a bad person. But if he does, I bet he'll be a lot like me--lots of resentment, lots of disgust, and at least one set of grandparents he's going to be very careful only ever get limited access to his children. And she'll never understand why.
It's a little sad, but I'm constantly amused by the fact that Bill and Ivan are two of the best parents I've ever met. Zach doesn't get everything he wants, and he can be whiny but it doesn't get put up with, and stops fairly quickly because he knows he can't get away with it--he clearly gets punished but he also clearly knows why and I've never seen either of them even have to spank him--and he's also clearly doted on and supported and knows his papa and daddy love him very dearly, and that whatever he needs and whatever he wants within reason is going to be there for him. They're poster children for good parenting, and something like half the people in this country would have opposed them being allowed to adopt in the first place. And yet that woman can have as many babies as she wants and spend her whole life never learning that hitting your kids isn't necessary or ok.
It makes me really angry. And really sad.