why it bugs me that your boyfriend is a sociopath
So I have this house.
It falls to me to keep this house in order, which I do on a simple principle, to wit: that this house should be the best house for me to live in that it could possibly be.
So when I see a spider, I kill it. I don't think about it. I don't wonder if maybe it's a good spider. I don't check to see if it is a talking spider who can grant me three wishes. I don't attempt to tame it and feed it small things until it becomes a friendly spider and kills insects I dislike. I just kill it. Because my goal is not to ensure universal love and happiness for all things. This is not an attainable goal for me! My goal is to make my house the best house for me to live in that it could possibly be.
Anything I do that isn't killing the spider has a pretty good chance of me getting bitten by the spider. And a house where I get bitten by spiders is not the best house for me to live in that it could possibly be.
You might disagree! Maybe you're a Jainist, for example. You can have your own house. In your house, you can keep lots of spiders, and feed them, and look for wishing spiders, and do whatever you want. I don't care! It's not my house. You have the right to keep your house on whatever principles you deem most important.
But if we're friends, then I probably won't want to come over to your house, because it's full of spiders. And if you come over to MY house, and you ask if you can bring your spider friends, I'm going to say no, because I don't want spiders in my house. And if you get bitten by spiders, I will hold your hand and call Poison Control, but I'm still going to be slightly annoyed, because deep down inside, I'm pretty sure that you made a decision somewhere along the line that led to you getting bitten by spiders.
And if you come over to my house and start complaining about how you get bitten by spiders all the time, and saying, "Man, I wish that the spiders would quit biting me," then I'm going to say, "Look. You have two choices. One of them involves killing all the spiders. The other one involves a whole lot of getting bitten by spiders. I'm not going to tell you which choice to make! I have an opinion, but it doesn't govern your decision-making process, and I won't attempt to impose it on you. But don't try to invent a third choice, in which the spiders magically stop biting you for no reason. If you want to tame the spiders and be friends with them and possibly get spider wishes, you have to accept that you're going to get bitten by spiders all the time, over and over, until that day comes where your spider-taming program finally succeeds. Frankly, I'm not convinced it ever will, but I have faith in your capacity to accomplish the things you want to accomplish -- but at the same time, you need to accept the consequences of your actions, or choose different actions. You can choose not to get bitten if you don't want to get bitten."
And this will just irritate both of us.
It falls to me to keep this house in order, which I do on a simple principle, to wit: that this house should be the best house for me to live in that it could possibly be.
So when I see a spider, I kill it. I don't think about it. I don't wonder if maybe it's a good spider. I don't check to see if it is a talking spider who can grant me three wishes. I don't attempt to tame it and feed it small things until it becomes a friendly spider and kills insects I dislike. I just kill it. Because my goal is not to ensure universal love and happiness for all things. This is not an attainable goal for me! My goal is to make my house the best house for me to live in that it could possibly be.
Anything I do that isn't killing the spider has a pretty good chance of me getting bitten by the spider. And a house where I get bitten by spiders is not the best house for me to live in that it could possibly be.
You might disagree! Maybe you're a Jainist, for example. You can have your own house. In your house, you can keep lots of spiders, and feed them, and look for wishing spiders, and do whatever you want. I don't care! It's not my house. You have the right to keep your house on whatever principles you deem most important.
But if we're friends, then I probably won't want to come over to your house, because it's full of spiders. And if you come over to MY house, and you ask if you can bring your spider friends, I'm going to say no, because I don't want spiders in my house. And if you get bitten by spiders, I will hold your hand and call Poison Control, but I'm still going to be slightly annoyed, because deep down inside, I'm pretty sure that you made a decision somewhere along the line that led to you getting bitten by spiders.
And if you come over to my house and start complaining about how you get bitten by spiders all the time, and saying, "Man, I wish that the spiders would quit biting me," then I'm going to say, "Look. You have two choices. One of them involves killing all the spiders. The other one involves a whole lot of getting bitten by spiders. I'm not going to tell you which choice to make! I have an opinion, but it doesn't govern your decision-making process, and I won't attempt to impose it on you. But don't try to invent a third choice, in which the spiders magically stop biting you for no reason. If you want to tame the spiders and be friends with them and possibly get spider wishes, you have to accept that you're going to get bitten by spiders all the time, over and over, until that day comes where your spider-taming program finally succeeds. Frankly, I'm not convinced it ever will, but I have faith in your capacity to accomplish the things you want to accomplish -- but at the same time, you need to accept the consequences of your actions, or choose different actions. You can choose not to get bitten if you don't want to get bitten."
And this will just irritate both of us.