Stealing Spencer (Panic! at the Disco: Always-a-girl!Brendon/Spencer)
Title: Stealing Spencer
Fandom: Early days Panic! at the Disco (always-a-girl Brendon/Spencer) | 10,000 words
So apparently a couple of years ago I wrote 10k of prequel to this always-a-girl Brendon/Spencer fic. I don't actually remember writing most of this but it has certainly languished on my hard drive long enough.
Hopefully it's never too late for a prequel (unless we're discussing Star Wars).
Ryan Ross did this infuriating thing where he'd sleep with a fan and then act like it was no big deal and he was so over having sex. He did it all the time and he did it deliberately when Bren was around, because he knew she was a virgin.
She was having a shitty week anyway, where Ryan took over every interview to talk about his vision for the band, or they had a photoshoot where the photographer clucked his tongue disapprovingly at Bren's lack of tits as if that were her fault. Bren concentrated on how unfair it was that Ryan got to have sex with random fans and scene queens. She tried to imagine who she could hook up with that would make him the maddest.
That was easy. Obviously it was Spencer.
Jon might have been a better target; he'd hit on Bren a couple of times when they first met, so she was confident he thought she was cute. Getting Ryan's weed buddy would have made Ryan mad as hell. Spencer, though, was going to be a triumph to top all triumphs. Nothing on earth was going to make Ryan as mad as thinking she had a thing with Spencer.
Plus, Bren thought, lying on the bus couch, Spencer was cuter than Jon. Jon wasn't un-cute or anything, but Spencer had drummer shoulders and floppy bangs and a soft tummy she wanted to poke. He'd had a girlfriend in high school but he didn’t have one now, and Jon had Cassie, anyway. She had no real doubt that in an earrings-off nails-out fight Cassie would kick her ass.
"We're stopping," Zack called. "Get out if you want snacks or to walk around. I'm gonna count noses in fifteen minutes. If I don't see you I'm leaving your ass in Kansas."
"Doritos," said Ryan, heading for the door.
"Cupcakes," Jon corrected, hot on his heels.
Spencer walked out of the back and threw a hoodie at Bren. It hit her in the face. "You coming?"
She sat up, running a hand through her short hair so it wouldn't stand straight up. "You're lonely and horny, right?"
Spencer's double-take was absolutely hilarious. "What the fuck," he said. "Anything Ryan told you is absolutely a violation of our blood oath, and I will deny it to my death."
Bren giggled. "I mean," she said, "you don't really do groupies, and you're scared of Amanda."
"Any sensible person is scared of Amanda," Spencer grumbled. He grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the door of the bus. "I need fresh air."
"So you must be pretty horny," Bren reasoned, shrugging into her hoodie. "I hear Jon beating off while he's on the phone with Cassie, but I don't hear you."
Spencer was turning kind of red. It was cold and rainy outside, and the pavement was dotted with puddles turning iridescent from gas spills. "Yeah, well, maybe I'm quieter than Jon," he said, sounding embarrassed.
"But if you're not getting off and you don't have a girl around, you must be horny," Bren insisted.
Spencer pushed open the door to the little convenience store. Jon and Ryan were at the counter, arguing the relative merits of Twizzlers and Good'n'Plenty. "If I buy you candy will you stop talking about this, please?" Spencer asked, pained.
It was close enough to confirmation for Bren not to worry about it too much. Spencer was a boy who wasn't getting any. Therefore Spencer was horny. Therefore Spencer wouldn't mind if she kissed him. He might get kind of mad when Ryan's head exploded, but Bren probably had enough sexy wiles to distract him from killing her.
Heck, it was even possible that Spencer thought Bren was pretty cute and wouldn't mind kissing her. But he'd never said so, and unlike certain other members of the band he never accidentally copped a feel, so she wasn't sure.
"Hey, Ryan!" she said instead. Her heart thumped against her chest a couple of times. Ryan looked over as she jumped up on her toes, wishing she was wearing heels instead of Converse so she could reach Spencer's mouth better. She flung her arms around his neck - it wouldn't do any good if he could get away, after all - and kissed him right on the mouth.
Bren had kissed a few people before; a boy in high school who'd been drunk, a tech on their first tour who hadn't realized she was in the band, Patrick on a drunken dare from Pete, a few boys in clubs and at parties. She knew she was okay at it, at least. What she lacked in practice and finesse she made up for in enthusiasm.
Probably.
But for some reason Spencer froze solid, arms out at his sides. He wasn't kissing her back at all. It was incredibly discouraging. Bren didn't give up easily; she kept kissing, and when he didn't react she bit his lower lip. That jolted him awake. He reached down and put his hands on her arms, pushing her back a little. "The hell?" Spencer asked.
"What the actual fuck are you doing?" Ryan said. "Gross! My eyes! Jon, my eyes!"
Jon put his hand in front of Ryan's eyes. "You're gonna scar him for life," he said gravely.
"Yeah, well him showing off all his hickies makes me wanna barf," Bren said. "So when he stops, we'll stop."
"We'll stop what?" Spencer asked.
Ryan batted Jon's hand away. "You are so gross," he huffed at Bren. He put all his junk food in a plastic bag and shuffled out of the store.
"I am not!" she shouted after him, stomping her foot. "I am sexy, Rolling Stone said so!" She put her hands on her hips, rounding furiously on Jon. "I'm sexy, right?"
"Totally sexy," Jon agreed easily, and almost managed not to glance at her ass. At least he made her feel appreciated. Spencer was still staring at her with an incredulous, confused expression.
It was weird how awful she felt, just because Spencer didn't want to kiss her back. "You're a jerk," she snarled, giving him a shove. She stomped out of the store in the opposite direction from Ryan and sat on the bus bumper in the misting rain, shivering, until Zack came out to get her.
--
Ryan and Jon went straight to the lounge and shut the door, which Bren took as a personal insult. She cranked her iPod and climbed into her bunk, pulling the curtain shut. It offered her approximately as much privacy as lying on the floor and letting people walk around her.
She was halfway through a Modest Mouse album when Spencer pulled the curtain aside. "Are you sulking?" he asked.
"Go to hell," Bren said, pulling the curtain shut again. She wasn't sulking. She wasn't a little kid. Also, he sucked and she wanted to punch him in the face.
Spencer pulled the curtain back again. "No, seriously," he said. "Do you want me to leave you alone, or can we talk about it?"
"Talk about what? I don't want to talk to any of you. You suck. All of you suck." She turned up her iPod and crossed her arms belligerently.
Spencer pulled the earbud out of her ear. "You kissed me," he said.
She was definitely not going to blush, because it wasn't embarrassing. Spencer was just a big stupid jerk. "Yeah," she said grumpily. "So what?"
"You kissed me," Spencer repeated.
Spencer was a traitor to the cause, even if he didn't know what the cause was. "You're a really shitty kisser," Bren said meanly. "Next time I'm going to kiss Zack instead."
Spencer made a hilarious face. "Eww, dude," he said. "Kiss Jon or Ryan."
"No, because I hate them and I hate you," Bren said. She was vaguely aware that the whole conversation probably seemed nonsensical to Spencer. She didn't much care.
"You definitely don't hate me," Spencer said. "I mean. You kissed me like an hour ago."
"I kissed you because I was mad at Ryan." She sat up but there wasn't really room in the bunk so she scooted out. She couldn't argue with Spencer when he was standing up and she was lying down, it was too weird. Unfortunately, once they were both standing up he was a foot taller than her.
Spencer frowned. "What does being mad at Ryan have to do with kissing me?" he asked.
"Because he doesn't want me to!" Bren shouted. "Obviously! Duh!"
Spencer looked like he was doing incredibly complicated math problems in his head. "That's why you kissed me?" he asked.
"Basically," she said. "And Ryan's mad, so mission accomplished. I win. I'd sleep with you, just to make sure I win forever, but I don't know how I'd get him to walk in on that." She had distracted herself a little bit with that idea. "I could text message him, I guess. He'd fall for it if I texted there was pizza and weed."
"You are clinically insane," said Spencer. "Ryan would make fun of us forever."
She wasn't tall enough to punch him in the face, but she could knee him in the balls. "Fuck you," Bren snapped. "See, I really do hate all of you."
The hall between the bunks wasn't very wide; on a bad day, when she was a little drunk, Bren had been known to fall off the bunks on one side and smack herself against the bunks on the other. It wasn't enough room to fight with Spencer, really. But it seemed like he was suddenly a lot closer to her. He was right up in Bren's space, with his hands on the wall on both sides of her shoulders.
"Unlike you," Spencer growled, "I don't care if Ryan makes fun of me."
She shivered out of sheer reflex. Spencer's voice had never sounded that rough before.
"I don't care either," Bren said, sticking her chin up. "Except I want to win."
"Let me get this straight," said Spencer, right in her ear. She tried not to shiver again, and swallowed a giggle instead. "You want to win against Ryan so you kissed me."
It seemed logical inside Bren's head somewhere. "Well," she said a little breathlessly, "I thought about kissing Jon."
"Don't kiss Jon," Spencer said quietly, and then he leaned down and kissed her.
She wasn't expecting it. She should have been, she realized immediately; he'd done that lean-in-and-whisper thing boys did when they thought they had moves. But she'd thought he was mad, and now-
It was a really different kiss than earlier. Spencer's chin was a little scratchy but his mouth was soft. She was startled but he wasn't shoving her against the wall or anything, and when he coaxed her mouth open she let him, eyes falling shut. She wasn't sure what to do with her hands so she pushed them behind herself against the wall. He was warm and leaning against her a little bit, and it was much, much nicer than most of the drunken, sloppy kisses she'd had at after-parties and in clubs.
"I am not a shitty kisser," Spencer said.
Bren opened her eyes. "You were shitty before." Her voice was shaking a little bit. "Why didn't you do it like that?" Her head was spinning. Maybe she needed to breathe more while she was kissing someone.
"You threw yourself at me and tried to swallow my tongue," said Spencer. "I was kind of surprised."
She put one hand on her hip and stuck her chin up challengingly. "I'm unpredictable," she said. "Deal with it." It would be kind of cool, she thought, if Spencer kissed her again. She wouldn’t mind or anything. It would be okay if he wanted to grope a little, too. Had he always been so cute when he smiled?
"I've been dealing with it for a couple of years," Spencer said, and then, frustratingly, he stepped back. "Warn me next time, okay? You almost made Ryan's head explode."
"That's my goal!" said Bren excitedly. "I really think the sex thing would work. I was just kidding when I said, but… Um. Unless you really want to, I guess? We could."
Spencer rolled his eyes, which wasn't exactly what she was hoping for. "How about we don't freak Ryan out so badly he injures himself. Not this week, at least."
"I guess," Bren said, a little reluctantly. Spencer grabbed her hand, sliding his fingers between hers, and tugged her toward the lounge. "You're sure you don't want to have sex?"
He squeezed her hand. "Not right now," he said. She was frowning, trying to work out exactly what that meant when he pushed the lounge door open and yelled, "Stop bogarting, you assholes!" Ryan looked up at them holding hands and promptly fell off the couch, which made Bren start giggling even before she got a lungful of pot smoke.
She wedged herself between Jon and Spencer on the couch and thought about climbing into Spencer's lap, just to see what he'd do. What Ryan would do, she corrected herself. But then Jon passed the joint and the Twizzlers and Ryan put Zoolander on the TV and she forgot all about her plans.
--
Somewhere in California Bren climbed on top of the bus. There was literally nowhere in the bus to get ten minutes to herself so she climbed on top to duck the boys and Zack for a little while. If they saw her she'd just say she was looking for Jon's missing hackey sack, because Jon didn't remember that he'd kicked it out the window while they were driving through Nevada.
She drew her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them, looking out over the dark parking lot. There were lots and lots of awesome things about their album taking off when they were so young, and being suddenly famous, and being on magazine covers and stuff. She was definitely grateful for it. Her parents had given up arguing that she should go to BYU when she landed on the cover of Rolling Stone; now they just wanted her to be "safe and happy." There were screaming fans every night. She got to hang out with Patrick and talk about picardy thirds and strumming techniques.
But there were shitty parts, too. Ryan and Spencer and Jon had all had girlfriends in high school so they knew how to talk to people. She'd been the weird, loud girl with the unfashionable clothes and the boy-cut hair and the big plastic glasses who was in school orchestra. The boys hadn't exactly been beating down her door. She'd been famous before boys ever noticed her, and now when they noticed her she never knew if they really liked her or if they just thought it was cool that she was in a band.
Ryan had written a lot of sexy dialogue and strutting around the stage into the show, but being sexy onstage was easy; being sexy off stage was baffling. She would have gone shopping and bought herself a mini-dress and high heels, or gotten her ears pierced. But if she brought that shit back to the bus Ryan would laugh himself sick, and she'd probably break her ankle learning to walk in heels. She was only just getting the knack of sitting around in short skirts without flashing everyone; she'd been mad at Jon for days for snidely saying, "Nice day-of-the-week panties" a couple of photo shoots ago.
She was never, ever going to get the hang of talking to boys if there were no boys around to talk to. Maybe she could have Zack ship some in. He could screen them and make sure they were safe. Or her parents could set her up with a nice Mormon boy who definitely wouldn't try anything except maybe proposing marriage. She could say no to that.
"Are you on the roof?"
She looked over the edge at Spencer, squinting up at her. "Hey," Bren said.
"Jon kicked that hackey sack out the window, you know," Spencer said.
Spencer was always way too on the ball. "Yeah, I know. Just getting some air," she tried.
He was climbing up the ladder, damn it. "Is this a private moping party, or can anyone join?"
"Semi-private," Bren said. "But I will make an exception for you, Spencer Smith, because you shared your Froot Loops with me this morning."
"I'm a prince among men," Spencer agreed, sitting down on top of the roof with her. He kicked his feet up on the air vent over the lounge. "What's up?"
"Us on the bus," Bren said.
"Hilarious," said Spencer dryly.
In the absence of boys that Zack had screened, she could probably trust Spencer to be pretty honest. "Would you sleep with me if I wasn't in a band?" Bren blurted.
Spencer looked a little confused. "I'm not sleeping with you and you are in a band."
"I know that," she said. "Duh. People only want to sleep with me because I'm in a band. No one wanted to sleep with me before that."
"People wanted to sleep with Ryan, so you have to assume a certain amount of universal stupidity," said Spencer.
Bren laughed. "I should post pictures of myself shirtless on livejournal, huh?"
"Don't do that. Didn't you learn anything from Pete?"
She sighed. "How am I supposed to get a boyfriend when I never meet any boys?"
"Why do you care about having a boyfriend?" Spencer asked.
Bren gave him a look that she hoped told him how very, very stupid he was. "Spencer, if I don't have a boyfriend, I'll never have sex."
"Ah," said Spencer. "And if you never have sex then obviously you'll die."
"Don't make fun of me," she said, a little shrilly. "You've had sex, okay. People wanted to have sex with you when you were just some lame-o skateboarding kid who hung out with Ryan Ross. My parents think I'm out on the road living this incredibly debauched life of drinking and drugs and wild sex, and I'm-"
"Only having two of the three?"
She punched him in the shoulder. "How am I supposed to know if I want to have sex if I don't even have the option of having sex? I want a boyfriend, Spencer. Or at least a boy. I would settle for a boy."
Spencer was doing a really weird thing where his eyes kept flickering from Bren's eyes down to her mouth and back. It was almost like he wasn't doing it on purpose. "Any boy?" he asked.
"Well, it would have to be someone who's around," she said. "And who liked me. He doesn't have to like-like me or anything, but he can't think I'm some weirdo who doesn't know how to walk in heels."
"You are some weirdo who can't walk in heels," Spencer pointed out. "That doesn't mean a boy wouldn't like you."
She sighed. "Boys like girls who look like girls and wear fancy shoes and shit. Trust me, I went to high school. I've seen my sisters go on dates."
"Not all boys," said Spencer.
Bren waved a hand at him. "Right, I know, there are some guys who think I'm rocker-chick cool, but they mostly think I'm a lesbo and want me to make out with girls. How am I going to find a girl to kiss? I don't even have a boy to kiss."
"So…" Spencer said. His eyes were doing that weird flicker-to-her-mouth thing again. It was disconcerting, because he was sitting so close that she could feel him, warm against her side. "You're looking for a boy to practice stuff with?"
She giggled. "Yes. Just like guitar practice, only the fingering is totally a different kind."
"Gross," said Spencer, not sounding especially grossed out. He was definitely leaning against her. Looming a little bit, too.
"Oh my god," said Bren suddenly. Her voice was really loud in the quiet parking lot. "Are you going to kiss me again?" Sometimes she was seriously so dumb; he was leaning toward her and everything.
"Uh," said Spencer, backing off a fraction of an inch. "I thought you wanted to practice?"
"I do," she said. Her heart was hammering in her chest; why was it doing that? She wanted to practice, and she definitely wanted Spencer to kiss her again. "You're that bored?" she asked uncertainly. "You wouldn't mind?"
"I think I'd struggle through somehow," said Spencer.
That was pretty okay, then. Bren didn't want him to change his mind, so she added earnestly, "It wouldn't make things weird with the band, I promise. It's just practice for when I get a real boyfriend. It'll be totally low-key, no strings attached, just fooling around. I will even resist the urge to gloat at Ryan. Actually, maybe we'd better not tell him. He'll just make fun of me."
"Sure," said Spencer, and then he leaned in and kissed her.
It was better than last time because now she was prepared for it; she threw her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him, opening her mouth and mashing her nose accidentally against his. Her glasses went all askew and he laughed against her mouth.
"Don't knock us off the roof of the bus," Spencer said.
"Don't pussy out," Bren retorted, climbing into his lap. She needed a better angle if she was going to practice. "Okay?" She threw herself at him enthusiastically, a little surprised when he kissed back gently. Wasn't he supposed to try and devour her whole? That was what happened in all Bren's mom's romance novels. Spencer's hands stayed discouragingly at his sides.
He dragged his scratchy chin over her cheek. She giggled, "You didn't shave."
"I didn't know there was going to be make-out practice," Spencer said. "You keep wiggling."
"Is it sexy?" asked Bren. "Am I turning you on? Are you getting hard?"
"Augh," said Spencer.
"I can wiggle more," Bren offered. "Or you can grab my ass. It's totally nice, right?" She picked up one of his hands and put it on the back pocket of her jeans. "Go ahead. Squeeze. Everyone else does."
Spencer started laughing quietly. His whole upper body was shaking with it. "You are so not what I expect, ever," he said.
That was probably an insult. Bren crossed her arms. "If you want girly shit you're gonna have to go find a girly girl," she snapped.
Spencer slid his fingers into her pocket. "This is okay," he said. "Just… try and relax. It's just kissing."
"For now," Bren said warningly.
"For now," Spencer agreed, and kissed her again.
--
Jon asked, "Who wants to get coffee?"
"I don't want coffee," Ryan whined. "I want that thing you used to make, the white mocha half thing."
"Half-caf two-pump marble mocha with extra whip," said Jon. "You guys want anything?"
Bren hooked her chin over Spencer's shoulder. "Yeah," she said quickly, "but we'll wait here. Bring me back something big with soy milk."
"I'm good," said Spencer. Jon shrugged and Ryan followed him out of the waiting room, waxing poetic about the joys of black and white cookies. Spencer looked back at Bren. "We'll wait here?"
"I promise to make it worth your while," she said, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I have some ideas about how we could pass the time."
"Ah," said Spencer. He kicked the door shut. "This is your idea of sneaking around?"
"Shut up, I'm totally stealth," Bren said, and pushed up on her tip-toes so she could kiss him.
He laughed. "'Kay." He twisted around and grabbed her waist with both hands and picked her up and on to the back of the couch. It was totally thrilling that he could do that without even thinking about it, but she wasn't going to say so. Maybe she'd fake a sprained ankle and see if she could get Spencer to carry her around like a princess, instead of piggy-back like Zack always did. He moved between her legs and she hooked her ankles together behind him.
Spencer's hands tangled in her short hair, pulling her face back a little bit. She grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him down. It was absolutely amazing, having someone around that she could kiss pretty much any time she wanted to. And the thing about Spencer was that she always wanted to kiss him. There was other stuff she wanted to do, too, but she wasn't sure Spencer had signed on for trying that with her.
He was a guy, though, and weren't they always up for sex? She wasn't completely sure, and she didn't want him to laugh when she asked.
"You think they'll be gone long enough for me to take my shirt off?" Bren asked.
"No," said Spencer. "Why would you take your shirt off, exactly?"
She pinched his side. "I'm seducing you, Spencer. Pay attention."
He wrinkled his nose up in confusion. "Am I not already seduced? I'm making out with you, right?"
"That's only step one in my plan," Bren explained.
"Does it have a lot of steps?" Spencer asked. He leaned down and started kissing her shoulder, pushing her Zelda t-shirt aside so he could tongue at the red straps on her shoulder her bra-straps left.
She shivered and closed her eyes. "Yes," she said. "Step one, trick Spencer into kissing me a lot."
"Uh huh. Consider me tricked." He moved up and started kissing under her chin, biting gently at her earlobe.
It was almost impossible to remember what she'd been saying when he did that, but Bren rallied. "Step two," she said, a little breathlessly, "seduce Spencer."
"In progress." He slid his hands down around her waist, pushing her t-shirt up and slipping his fingers down, rubbing against the elastic edge of her panties.
"Right," Bren said. "Step three, we have sex."
Spencer froze. "Really?" he asked. "That's step three?"
"And then," Bren explained, "you'll be in my thrall and I can make you do shit for me like cook breakfast and bring me coffee and beat up Ryan when he's mean."
"I'm not going to beat up Ryan for you," said Spencer, moving over to the other side of her neck. She wanted him to push his fingers down further under her jeans, so she used her feet hooked around his legs to pull him closer.
"After I've seduced you, you will be my love zombie," Bren said. "You'll be totally helpless to my sexy whims."
"So I guess the sex is gonna be pretty mind-blowing, huh?" Spencer asked.
Bren was worried about that, but she joked, "It'll be the best I've ever had. You think we have time now? Jon's so picky about his coffee, and Ryan walks like an old man."
"No," said Spencer. "We definitely don't have time."
The whole idea of having sex made her anxious, and she really just wanted to get it over with. She tugged on his t-shirt. "C'mon, I think if we locked the door and told Zack we need ten minutes-"
"No," said Spencer firmly, and kissed her before she could keep arguing. He ran one of his hands up and down her thigh and it was so distracting, even through her jeans, that she forgot to tell him he was a terrible excuse for a teenage boy.
Spencer must have heard Jon and Ryan coming back before Bren did. He stepped back, ignoring her little sad noise, just as the door opened. His hair was standing straight up in back, though, and Bren hid a giggle by pretending to cough.
"Soy chai," said Jon, offering Bren a giant cup.
Ryan gave Spencer a long, suspicious look.
"What?" Spencer asked.
"Hmmmm," said Ryan, frowning.
Bren smiled innocently at him and kicked her feet against the couch. Her t-shirt was all rucked up at the bottom where Spencer had been sliding his hands. She adjusted it with a surreptitious wiggle.
"Up to something," muttered Ryan.
Spencer grinned at him. "Yep," he said.
--
Zack led the way down the hall through the theater. Spencer slowed down until he was walking behind Jon and Ryan and Bren, who watched him with a puzzled tilt of her head. Normally Spencer wanted to be first. He had kind of a crazy complex about knowing where everything was all the time.
He grabbed her hand and gave her a grin, pulling her back a couple of steps. She bit her lip to stop a slightly hysterical giggle.
"What time is sound check?" Ryan asked.
"Four," Zack said.
"I want to take a nap," said Jon. "A hard four, or a soft four?"
The three of them turned a corner. Spencer stopped and pulled Bren back a step so they were out of sight. "Hi," he whispered.
"We are so going to get caught!" she whispered back, grinning and bouncing at him.
"No way, I am totally smooth," Spencer said, pressing her against the concrete wall.
Bren couldn't stop smiling. "Like James Bond," she said.
He leaned down and kissed her. Sometimes he kissed like they had all the time in the world, but right now he was kissing like they only had a few seconds to live. It was dizzying and hot and so overwhelming that she forgot about the scratchy concrete against her back.
"Yo!" Zack hollered. "If I have to come back there and get you two you're gonna be sorry!"
Bren burst into giggles. Spencer grinned crookedly at her. "My shoe's untied!" he yelled back.
"Up to something!" Ryan shouted.
Bren was laughing so hard she couldn't stand up. She slumped against Spencer, who slung an arm around her waist. "We'll be right there!" Spencer yelled.
"We're going to get busted," Bren whispered between bouts of giggling.
Spencer leaned down and kissed her, hard and fast. "I don't care," he whispered back, and then pulled her around the corner toward the others.
--
Her voice sounded weird, and she lost her ability to hit the high notes before the show ended. The beer Bren chugged didn't help much, and neither did the way Jon winced when she missed a couple of notes in a row. At least Ryan was basically tone-deaf. He gave her a funny look, but settled for getting first shower when Bren just collapsed on the couch in the dressing room.
"You okay?" Jon asked, kicking her boot.
"Take it off," she demanded, making a sad face and holding her foot out. She was way tireder than usual. She wanted to just lie on the couch until it was time to go back to the hotel.
Jon made a face, but he leaned down and pulled off the stupid leather knee-high boots. She sighed happily and wiggled her toes. Ryan and Spencer had designed the costumes, but they didn't have to walk around in fetish boots or a corset. Sometimes she just wanted to breathe.
"We're gonna go to a club after," said Spencer. "Eighteen and up, but lots of booze. You in?"
There would be lots of dark corners to grope in. That was really exciting. On the other hand, her throat was tickling and she felt a little bit like she'd been hit by a bus, instead of giddy like normally after a show.
But Spencer was smiling at her, and she wasn't going to miss that. "Let me shower," she said. "I think I can make it."
Spencer grinned at her and she grinned back. "You two are weird," said Jon, looking from one of them to the other. "Ryan is right, you are totally plotting something. Can I get in on it?"
"No," said Spencer. Bren burst into giggles. Jon shrugged and wandered off.
"Are we plotting something for tonight?" Bren asked hopefully.
Spencer pointed finger guns at her. "I am," he said. "Wear something cute."
"Everything I wear is cute!" Bren objected. "I am always adorable, like a Muppet."
Spencer stared at her for a second. "Just… wear your least Muppety outfit. It's a nice club. They don't let Snuffleupagusses in."
Trying to imagine what to wear was exhausting, and she didn't have many nice clothes in her suitcase. Not clean, at least. "Like a dress?" she hazarded.
"Yeah," said Spencer.
"I'll wear the really short blue one," she said. "And maybe stuff my bra."
Ryan yelled, "Your turn for the shower, sweaty!"
That always meant Bren. "Hold that thought," she ordered Spencer, bouncing to her feet. She was so tired that the room swayed a little bit.
"The one about you stuffing your bra?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Bren punched him on the shoulder. "If you want to find out what's in my bra, you better shut it." She paused. "If you even want to. It's a pretty ratty old bra, though." Spencer looked kind of bewildered. "I'll wear a nice one tonight," Bren promised. "I have that thing my mom bought me with the itchy lace. It is totally sexy."
"I guess?" Spencer said. Cosmo had a lot of articles about how to leave your man wanting more. Spencer wasn't actually her man, and she wasn't convinced he wanted a lot more, but at least he could think about her bra.
Bren flashed him a smile and headed off to the shower. Hot steam would clear up her stuffy head and hopefully help her throat.
--
The blue dress was really short. Bren wiggled around and tried to make sure that she could lean over at least a little bit without everyone on earth seeing that the only clean underwear she had left were the scratchy white ones she'd picked up in the drug store because it was too gross to go commando on a bus full of boys.
"Are you looking at your own butt in the mirror?" Ryan asked.
"Maybe. Shut up." She could lean over a few inches, but after that she was going to have to crouch or something. She tried to decide if it was worth wearing heels when she knew she'd just end up falling over in the darkness of a club. Maybe Spencer would catch her.
"Trying to impress someone?" Ryan asked. He sounded genuinely puzzled.
"No," Bren said. "Definitely not. Just wanted to dress up. You know, I'm supposed to be the flashy face of the band, I have to look nice, I just wanted to-"
Ryan rolled his eyes. "Want me to do your makeup?"
Bren bit her lip. On the one hand, owing Ryan was always a drag. He'd make her pay him back later in coffee or by not letting her choose the movie in the lounge for a week. But on the other hand she basically had no idea which end of a mascara wand to use.
"Yes, but no gloating," Bren compromised.
"It's my charity work for the day," Ryan said, but she knew he was secretly excited. Spencer and Jon had gotten a little too old to let him draw all over their faces whenever he wanted. He fished his makeup bag out of their backstage bags.
"For the record, I am not a doll to be drawn on. I'm only letting you do this because you're better at it than me."
Ryan frowned at her. "Don't talk while the maestro works."
She snorted and crossed her arms, but she obediently stopped chatting. Ryan took eyeshadow really seriously. He tipped her chin up and started dabbing at her eyelids.
Bren lasted about a minute before she wiggled away. "Don't do that thing with nine shades, okay? I will never make it that long."
"You'll stand there and you'll like it," said Ryan. He pushed her hips back against the bathroom counter. "And I will do as many shades of green as I want. You're trying to impress someone, aren't you." He said it flatly, not like a question.
"Shut up," Bren said. She never knew how to deal with Ryan when he was teasing.
"Look up," Ryan ordered, waving eyeliner at her.
"Don't poke me in the eye."
"Okay, well, whoever it is you think you're going to get tonight," said Ryan, "make sure he's not a total dick." Bren started to protest and Ryan harrumphed over her. "I am not going to deal with weeks and weeks of you crying on the bus because some douchewad was mean to you."
Bren batted his hand away. "I wouldn't cry on the bus," she said. "And he's not a douchewad. I mean, there's no guy. Are you done yet?"
"I could spend all night on this," said Ryan. "It's not me, right? Because you're like my weird little sister or something."
"It's not you! Ego much, Ryan? God!" she huffed. He grabbed her cheek and turned her face away so he could do something with green eye shadow.
Ryan made another "hmmmm" noise. "Well then," he said, "at least make sure this guy really likes you. And try not to be totally easy. Guys don't respect girls who don't make them work for it."
She was blushing so hard she was surprised his hand wasn't melting where it touched her face. "Ryan! I am not easy! Unless I want to be, okay, and maybe I do! I swear to god, if you try and give me the sex talk I'm going to kick you in the balls."
"Sometimes, when a mommy loves a daddy very much - "
Bren ducked away from him and looked in the mirror. He'd put three different shades of green across her eyelids, which looked pretty cool.
"If you wipe that off because you forget not to rub your eyes, I'll kill you," said Ryan. "Lipstick."
"Ew," Bren replied. She let him hand her lip gloss, but only because it was the flavored kind.
Ryan looked at her reflection with a critical tilt of his head. "I've done better work," he said. "But not on such a blank canvas."
He was making her anxious in spite of herself. She tried to figure out if she looked more alluring with eye shadow and lip gloss. Probably. Boys liked that kind of stuff; Spencer had specifically told her to dress up. Spencer didn't seem to think she was easy, but she would be willing to be easy if he wanted.
"I look cute, right?" she asked. "I mean, if you weren't Ryan you'd think I looked cute? This is the only dress I have, so it better be cute enough."
Ryan rolled his eyes a little. "He already thinks you're cute. The dress and the makeup are basically frosting."
"Maybe," she fretted, "but maybe it's just because I'm around and he's lonely. I'm pretty annoying - shut up - and I'm not graceful or girly or anything."
"If he was that hard up he'd find someone easier," said Ryan. "It's been like, three years. If he's not annoyed yet you're probably in the clear."
It was very weird getting reassured by Ryan. "I guess," she said. "Wait. You don't know who I'm talking about." She frowned at him.
"Right," Ryan drawled. "Because Jon and I are totally brain-dead and you and Spencer don't spend all day giggling at each other."
Bren's mouth dropped open. "That's a secret!" she said.
"Okay," Ryan said.
She gave him a little shove, and being Ryan, he stumbled back a few steps. "You were not supposed to know about that until I was ready to tell you!" she said shrilly.
"If you fuck stuff up with him I'll kill you, how about that?" Ryan said.
"I hate you," Bren groaned. She went to bury her face in her hands and Ryan caught her arm.
"Don't smudge my master work," he said. "Even Spencer's going to notice if you have a huge streak of green across your forehead."
"It's not a thing!" she said a little hysterically. "It's just practice, he's just letting me practice on him!" She was pretty sure Spencer would freak if he thought Ryan had found out.
Ryan made a face. "Eww," he said. "That's weird and kind of gross. At least you're not planning to have his babies, I guess."
"Maybe I will!" she said. "Wait, no. That is totally weird and gross. Plus, he doesn't want to have sex." She coughed a couple of times. Her throat felt miserable.
"He… Are you sure about that?" Ryan asked.
"I offered! He said no! I think you're overestimating how much he likes me," Bren said.
Ryan looked puzzled. "That doesn't sound right. And are you really going to wear sneakers with a dress?"
Zack yelled, "All aboard who're going aboard!"
"Yes, shut up. And it's no big deal and it doesn't mean anything and don't tell Spencer you know," Bren ordered, ducking under Ryan's arm and out the door. Ryan followed her. Without looking at him she was still sure he was rolling his eyes at her.
--
She thought about telling Spencer that they were basically busted, but Ryan and Jon wandered off almost immediately in search of the D.J., and Spencer bought her a drink. She wasn't sure he'd keep doing it if he knew Ryan thought it was weird and gross so she decided not to risk telling him.
It was dark and loud and Spencer slid his hand up her thigh while she sat on her stool and sipped her chocolate martini. "We could slip into the back and have sex," Bren offered.
"We just got here," said Spencer. It was depressingly clear that he didn't want to have sex with her. She tried not to feel heartbroken about it. Spencer seemed like he'd be a good person to have sex with the first time. He probably wouldn't make fun of her, and he'd have to talk to her afterwards, but he obviously wasn't interested.
"Oh," said Bren. She slammed back the rest of her martini in the hopes it would make her feel better. Instead her head swam a little bit and her throat still hurt. Her whole stomach was flipping over, actually, and if she'd been alone she would have curled up in one of the booths in the corner. It looked so dark and comfy. "Well, you can still kiss me. Or whatever." She remembered what Ryan had said and wistfully dismissed it. Spencer wasn't interested like that. She could be as easy as she wanted.
Spencer leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Yeah?" he said. "I thought we could have some champagne, maybe dance a little. I got us a private booth, and I'm gonna get the DJ to play Sublime later. You know, we're celebrating," said Spencer.
"Oooh," said Bren. "Celebrating what?" She kissed his neck, because that was what she could reach.
"You should guess," Spencer started, and then paused, frowning at her. "Are you okay?"
"I'm great," she said. Her stomach didn't usually feel this bad after just one drink. "Get me a shot of something, okay? I want to celebrate, too."
He looked skeptical, but he asked for two shots of Jager. Bren downed hers quickly. She needed to forget how badly her throat hurt and how tired she was so she could focus on getting Spencer to take her bra off. Maybe not in the middle of the club, but soon. If she waited Ryan would mention that he knew and then her chances would be ruined.
"Dance with me," said Bren, wrapping her arms around Spencer's neck. "What are we celebrating?" She had a mildly crazy idea that if she could distract Spencer and get him worked up enough he'd forget that he didn't want to have sex with her. She was sexy enough to do that, wasn't she?
"That we've been doing this for three weeks," said Spencer. "And it's still good." He picked her up off the stool and the room spun a little bit. When her feet touched the ground again she clung to his neck a little bit. "Are you okay?" asked Spencer.
"Dizzy," said Bren. "Too much to drink. Dance with me."
"You barely had two," Spencer objected, but he let her drag him out on to the crowded dance floor. There were people everywhere, but she pushed her way between them until they were lost in the crowd.
"Happy three weeks," said Bren. "We can make out. Or have sex. It's probably dark enough in a private booth."
"I am not having sex with you in a booth," said Spencer.
So he was definitely, definitely not interested. She tried not to be upset. If she got upset she'd tear up from frustration and then Ryan's eye shadow would smudge. Maybe he just needed options. "How about in the alley? Or on the bus? Ryan and Jon are busy, and the techs are all out tonight. We have time."
Spencer grabbed her shoulders. He had to lean super close in the press of people to make himself heard. "When we have sex," he said quietly, "it won't be rushed, and it won't be in public. It's gonna be awesome. I promise."
"Okay," Bren said uncertainly. Her stomach was flipping and her head felt fuzzy. Maybe Spencer had slipped her a roofie or something. Her throat hurt so badly she was glad he hadn’t kissed her.
The room dipped sharply to the left. The whole thing went a little gray around the edges, which was weird because it was already pretty dark.
Spencer was saying something. Bren blinked hard, trying to concentrate. Spencer had his arms around her, which was nice, but she was also leaning against him at a funny angle.
"-okay?" Spencer demanded. He gave her a little shake, which she didn't love.
"I'm fine," she said, trying to push him away so she could stand up. For some reason he was holding on to her really tightly.
"What the fuck was that?" Spencer asked.
She was going to throw up, and she didn't want to throw up on him. "I'm fine," she repeated. "Let me go, I need some air. I'm gonna throw up."
"Are you fucking kidding?" Spencer asked. He did this thing where he used his big strong drumming arms to pick her up and suddenly she was up in the air somewhere, probably flashing half the club. He had one arm under her knees and one arm around her back under her arms, and she was really, really going to barf. Spencer pushed his way toward the door. "Why didn't you say you felt shitty?"
"I'm sorry," she said. She wanted him to put her down, because she wasn't some little kid. She wanted him to carry her back to the bus and get her tea, because she felt horrible.
All the noise in the club started blurring together. She buried her face against his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck and hoped that he'd put her down before she vomited all over his nice grey t-shirt or his sports jacket. There were a lot of voices. Then there was cold air. Maybe she'd just had too much to drink. She told herself she was just drunk, and that Spencer didn't mind what a cheap date she was.
Her stomach abruptly reminded her just how bad she felt. "Put me down," she ordered, tugging on Spencer's t-shirt. He swung her around so her sneakers hit the ground just as her whole inside decided to invert itself and she leaned over and threw up. Spencer was still holding her arm. Her throat hurt so badly she might burst into tears at any minute, and then Spencer was definitely never going to have sex with her. "I'm sorry," she repeated, and then threw up some more.
"Jesus," sighed Spencer. He rubbed one hand in circles against the small of her back.
She was going to cry. Ryan's make up was destroyed and he'd be so mad and Spencer thought she was lame and she felt shitty all over. Bren ran her knuckles across her eyes and her hand came away green and glittery. "You can go back in, I'll wait out here for Zack. I can just sit on the curb and-"
"Shut up," said Spencer. "Do you want some water?"
"I want a cough drop and a nap," Bren said, and burst in to real tears.
She felt so stupid. Maybe nothing was really wrong; she'd had too much to drink and she felt bad. She'd had too much to drink a hundred times on the last couple of tours. She sat down hard on the curb and buried her face in her hands. For some reason she couldn't stop crying, and the more she cried the worse her stomach hurt and the more miserable her throat and her head felt.
Spencer crouched behind her. She was ruining his night. Throwing up was the least sexy thing she could possibly do, she knew; he was never, ever going to want to kiss her again. "I'm sorry I didn't notice you felt bad," he said quietly. "Zack's bringing the car around. Seriously, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drag you out."
"No, I'm sorry," Bren tried to say, but she was crying and dizzy and mostly she wanted to lie down and hide under a blanket forever. Spencer kept rubbing his hands against her back. Somehow it made her feel worse.
Zack and the van appeared out of nowhere. She didn't mind so much when he picked her up, because he did that all the time and she didn't want to sleep with him.
"You should go in and have fun with Ryan," Bren said, trying to stop crying.
Spencer rolled his eyes a little and climbed into the back seat with her. "How long have you been feeling sick?"
"My throat started hurting this morning," she confessed. "I thought it was just because we've been on tour for so long." Spencer put his arm around her shoulders and she shook her head. "I don't want to get you sick," she said, "and I smell all pukey. Go sit over there."
"Stop telling me to go away," Spencer said. "I'm your friend, remember?"
She started crying again. There wasn't anything wrong with Spencer being her friend, except it made everything he'd been doing lately feel like pity. "Right," she said. "Obviously, I know that."
Spencer frowned at her, but she didn't really care anymore. Her head hurt and it was hot in the car even with the AC turned on. She tried to make herself stop crying and ended up coughing instead; a miserable phlegmy cough that made her chest ache. Spencer put his arm around her and she let him. Everything between them was totally depressing, but at least she'd gotten some good practice out of it.
Bren started to lean against Spencer's shoulder and then realized she was going to get his jacket all green and glittery. "Stupid Ryan," she muttered. "I need to wash my face."
"I thought girls carried those… what do you call 'em, the face wiping thingies," said Zack.
"Baby wipes?" Spencer asked, mildly grossed out.
"But like, for girls' faces," Zack said. "Whatever, we're almost back to the bus. You gonna throw up again? That shit was nasty."
"Maybe," Bren said miserably. Zack stepped on the accelerator.
She didn't throw up in the car again, but when they got out she threw up anything she had left in her stomach. She let Zack and Spencer bully her into the bus and a pair of sweatpants. Then she curled up on the couch in the lounge in a pile of blankets that Zack carried out for her, curled up, and tried to go to sleep.
Spencer woke her up to take some Advil and offer her a glass of ginger ale. He gave her a washcloth for her face and she crawled back under the blankets and fell asleep.
Bren woke up to people talking about her in the doorway of the lounge. "No, she's definitely really sick," Zack was saying, "because she hasn't tried to use it yet to get me to do stuff. If she were faking it she'd be all 'ohhh, Zack, I feel so awful, put on a movie for me,' or 'I'm going to die, go get me sliders from White Castle.'"
"I hate you!" Bren said, but it was mostly muffled by the blankets and the fact that her throat hurt.
"Yeah, yeah," said Zack, holding out a mug of tea. "Honey and lemon."
"I don't want it," Bren moaned, pulling the blankets up to her throat. "I want Advil and death."
Zack somehow managed not to roll his eyes. "You have a show tomorrow night. You're gonna have the damn tea and shut up about it."
She pulled the blankets over her head and curled into a ball.
Zack stomped off and someone else walked over. He sat down on the couch, almost on her feet. "It's raspberry zinger," Spencer said.
Bren said nothing. She felt shitty and she was sure she looked shitty and the boy who refused to have sex with her pitying her was not going to make her feel better.
"You like fruity tea with honey," said Spencer. "What if I make Ryan bring it to you? You can pretend he's your butler."
"Ryan would be a really bad butler," she mumbled in spite of herself.
"But it would be hilarious," Spencer said. "You can pretend you're Robin and he's Alfred."
She didn't want to talk to him, but she couldn't just let that pass. Bren pushed the blanket back a couple of inches. "Why am I Robin?" she asked. "I should be Batman."
Spencer shook his head. "Obviously I'm Batman."
"What do you mean, obviously? Why are you Batman? I'm way Batman-ier than you!" she protested. "You're.. you're… You're Commissioner Gordon."
"I look better in a suit," said Spencer. "I'm totally Bruce Wayne-ing it up all over this band. Then, when everyone least expects it, I save the day." He offered her a mug of tea.
She struggled to sit up without falling off the couch while all wrapped up in a couple of comforters. "I am only drinking that if I get to be Batman."
"Ehhh," said Spencer. "You're not tall enough to be Batman."
She took the tea because her hands were cold and the mug was warm. "I am plenty tall enough. And Batman isn't blond, so there."
"I'm not blond," Spencer protested mildly.
Bren breathed in as much steam as she could get. Her head really ached. "I need a box of tissues and more drugs. Make Ryan bring them to me." She nudged him with her shoulder.
Spencer grinned at her. "Ryan!" he yelled. "Box of tissues and the shoebox of drugs!"
"I'm sorry I threw up on you," Bren said.
He shrugged. "You only managed to splatter my shoes. You aim like a girl."
Bren burned her mouth sipping tea. "You had plans and stuff," she said.
"I can't believe you tried to get me to have sex with you when you were sick as hell," Spencer said. "Was the fever making you delusional, or what?"
Ryan shuffled in with a box of tissues and the shoebox they threw their motley collection of drugs into. The legal ones, at least. "You're gonna catch her death flu," he said disapprovingly.
"Eh," said Spencer, "I was kissing her yesterday so I probably already caught it." Bren froze, sipping her tea. Ryan knew, but but he thought it was weird, and that was going to freak Spencer out. Why had he said that?
"Gross," said Ryan. "You have totally betrayed the bro code."
Spencer pretended to consider. "Which one of us is the bro?" he asked.
"Me!" Bren volunteered.
"Drink your tea," said Ryan sourly.
"I'm more of a bro than you," Bren grumbled. The tea was making her throat feel a little bit better after all.
"I follow my own code," said Spencer. He fished through the box for Sudafed and Advil and handed it to Bren. "That will be all, Jeeves."
Bren giggled until it turned into a horrible cough. Ryan frowned at both of them and left again.
"More tea?" Spencer asked.
"Don't you mind that Ryan knows?" she asked.
Spencer rolled his eyes. "I figured he and Jon figured it out."
She clutched the blankets. "But you don't care?"
Spencer poured more hot water from the electric kettle into her mug. "I don't really give a damn what he thinks," he said finally.
"Then why won't you have sex with me?" she asked plaintively. He handed her the mug back.
"You have the flu," said Spencer. He was infuriatingly reasonable. He messed around with the DVDs.
"But I'm feeling better," she objected. Maybe not having-sex-worthy, but better for sure.
Spencer looked skeptical. "Maybe we should give it twenty-four hours," he said.
"So we can have sex tomorrow?" Bren asked hopefully.
"No." Spencer hit play and settled back on the couch next to her.
She'd been feeling better, but now she felt miserable again. "I know I bullied you into practicing kissing with me, but I thought you liked me," she almost wailed. "Why don't you like me, Spencer? You're a teenage boy and I'm a girl offering to have sex with you! Ryan made me look cute and everything, and I really really don't want to be a virgin any more and you won't help!"
There was a long silence. The Muppets Take Manhattan started up on the TV.
"The thing is," said Spencer, not looking at her, "I actually do want to have sex with you."
"You keep saying no," Bren said. She pulled the blankets up around her neck again.
He sighed but he still wouldn't look at her. "I think us having sex would change things," said Spencer quietly. "And I don't want to fuck stuff up."
She wasn't sure what to say to that. "It doesn't have to mean anything," Bren offered. "I just want to have sex with someone I know the first time. I'm the last virgin in the world."
"You really aren't," Spencer said. "And you could… You should aim a little higher than that."
Bren didn't know what he meant by that so she bit her lip and didn't say anything. Kermit and the gang were presenting Manhattan Melodies as their senior project. Bren hummed along, even though her throat still hurt. She couldn't help it.
"Let's just give it a little while," Spencer said. "Make sure that it's not a bad idea. I promise, it's totally killing me not to have sex with you right now."
"You're just saying that," Bren grumbled.
"No, I'm not," said Spencer quietly, and something in his voice made Bren look up and frown at him. He sounded almost serious about it. She kicked him on the ankle.
"It's not nice to make fun of a sick person," she said uncertainly.
"Honestly," Spencer said, "nothing is more irresistible than you hacking up a lung and having a man-voice. The smeary makeup and the hedgehog hair really get me hot. But the best part - "
"Shut up," Bren giggled. It hurt her chest.
" - is definitely the fever. God, nothing is sexier than a girl running a fever. C'mere, hot stuff." Spencer put his arm around her and pulled her down so she was leaning on his shoulder. She managed not to spill scalding tea all over him, even though she was a little bit dizzy and the giggles had turned into coughing again.
"I'm definitely Batman," Bren told his shoulder sleepily.
"Shh, I wanna hear Kermit's plan to make it on Broadway," Spencer replied.
He took the tea out of her hands just as she dozed off.
--
(And then there is a sequel where they have sex.)
Fandom: Early days Panic! at the Disco (always-a-girl Brendon/Spencer) | 10,000 words
So apparently a couple of years ago I wrote 10k of prequel to this always-a-girl Brendon/Spencer fic. I don't actually remember writing most of this but it has certainly languished on my hard drive long enough.
Hopefully it's never too late for a prequel (unless we're discussing Star Wars).
Ryan Ross did this infuriating thing where he'd sleep with a fan and then act like it was no big deal and he was so over having sex. He did it all the time and he did it deliberately when Bren was around, because he knew she was a virgin.
She was having a shitty week anyway, where Ryan took over every interview to talk about his vision for the band, or they had a photoshoot where the photographer clucked his tongue disapprovingly at Bren's lack of tits as if that were her fault. Bren concentrated on how unfair it was that Ryan got to have sex with random fans and scene queens. She tried to imagine who she could hook up with that would make him the maddest.
That was easy. Obviously it was Spencer.
Jon might have been a better target; he'd hit on Bren a couple of times when they first met, so she was confident he thought she was cute. Getting Ryan's weed buddy would have made Ryan mad as hell. Spencer, though, was going to be a triumph to top all triumphs. Nothing on earth was going to make Ryan as mad as thinking she had a thing with Spencer.
Plus, Bren thought, lying on the bus couch, Spencer was cuter than Jon. Jon wasn't un-cute or anything, but Spencer had drummer shoulders and floppy bangs and a soft tummy she wanted to poke. He'd had a girlfriend in high school but he didn’t have one now, and Jon had Cassie, anyway. She had no real doubt that in an earrings-off nails-out fight Cassie would kick her ass.
"We're stopping," Zack called. "Get out if you want snacks or to walk around. I'm gonna count noses in fifteen minutes. If I don't see you I'm leaving your ass in Kansas."
"Doritos," said Ryan, heading for the door.
"Cupcakes," Jon corrected, hot on his heels.
Spencer walked out of the back and threw a hoodie at Bren. It hit her in the face. "You coming?"
She sat up, running a hand through her short hair so it wouldn't stand straight up. "You're lonely and horny, right?"
Spencer's double-take was absolutely hilarious. "What the fuck," he said. "Anything Ryan told you is absolutely a violation of our blood oath, and I will deny it to my death."
Bren giggled. "I mean," she said, "you don't really do groupies, and you're scared of Amanda."
"Any sensible person is scared of Amanda," Spencer grumbled. He grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the door of the bus. "I need fresh air."
"So you must be pretty horny," Bren reasoned, shrugging into her hoodie. "I hear Jon beating off while he's on the phone with Cassie, but I don't hear you."
Spencer was turning kind of red. It was cold and rainy outside, and the pavement was dotted with puddles turning iridescent from gas spills. "Yeah, well, maybe I'm quieter than Jon," he said, sounding embarrassed.
"But if you're not getting off and you don't have a girl around, you must be horny," Bren insisted.
Spencer pushed open the door to the little convenience store. Jon and Ryan were at the counter, arguing the relative merits of Twizzlers and Good'n'Plenty. "If I buy you candy will you stop talking about this, please?" Spencer asked, pained.
It was close enough to confirmation for Bren not to worry about it too much. Spencer was a boy who wasn't getting any. Therefore Spencer was horny. Therefore Spencer wouldn't mind if she kissed him. He might get kind of mad when Ryan's head exploded, but Bren probably had enough sexy wiles to distract him from killing her.
Heck, it was even possible that Spencer thought Bren was pretty cute and wouldn't mind kissing her. But he'd never said so, and unlike certain other members of the band he never accidentally copped a feel, so she wasn't sure.
"Hey, Ryan!" she said instead. Her heart thumped against her chest a couple of times. Ryan looked over as she jumped up on her toes, wishing she was wearing heels instead of Converse so she could reach Spencer's mouth better. She flung her arms around his neck - it wouldn't do any good if he could get away, after all - and kissed him right on the mouth.
Bren had kissed a few people before; a boy in high school who'd been drunk, a tech on their first tour who hadn't realized she was in the band, Patrick on a drunken dare from Pete, a few boys in clubs and at parties. She knew she was okay at it, at least. What she lacked in practice and finesse she made up for in enthusiasm.
Probably.
But for some reason Spencer froze solid, arms out at his sides. He wasn't kissing her back at all. It was incredibly discouraging. Bren didn't give up easily; she kept kissing, and when he didn't react she bit his lower lip. That jolted him awake. He reached down and put his hands on her arms, pushing her back a little. "The hell?" Spencer asked.
"What the actual fuck are you doing?" Ryan said. "Gross! My eyes! Jon, my eyes!"
Jon put his hand in front of Ryan's eyes. "You're gonna scar him for life," he said gravely.
"Yeah, well him showing off all his hickies makes me wanna barf," Bren said. "So when he stops, we'll stop."
"We'll stop what?" Spencer asked.
Ryan batted Jon's hand away. "You are so gross," he huffed at Bren. He put all his junk food in a plastic bag and shuffled out of the store.
"I am not!" she shouted after him, stomping her foot. "I am sexy, Rolling Stone said so!" She put her hands on her hips, rounding furiously on Jon. "I'm sexy, right?"
"Totally sexy," Jon agreed easily, and almost managed not to glance at her ass. At least he made her feel appreciated. Spencer was still staring at her with an incredulous, confused expression.
It was weird how awful she felt, just because Spencer didn't want to kiss her back. "You're a jerk," she snarled, giving him a shove. She stomped out of the store in the opposite direction from Ryan and sat on the bus bumper in the misting rain, shivering, until Zack came out to get her.
--
Ryan and Jon went straight to the lounge and shut the door, which Bren took as a personal insult. She cranked her iPod and climbed into her bunk, pulling the curtain shut. It offered her approximately as much privacy as lying on the floor and letting people walk around her.
She was halfway through a Modest Mouse album when Spencer pulled the curtain aside. "Are you sulking?" he asked.
"Go to hell," Bren said, pulling the curtain shut again. She wasn't sulking. She wasn't a little kid. Also, he sucked and she wanted to punch him in the face.
Spencer pulled the curtain back again. "No, seriously," he said. "Do you want me to leave you alone, or can we talk about it?"
"Talk about what? I don't want to talk to any of you. You suck. All of you suck." She turned up her iPod and crossed her arms belligerently.
Spencer pulled the earbud out of her ear. "You kissed me," he said.
She was definitely not going to blush, because it wasn't embarrassing. Spencer was just a big stupid jerk. "Yeah," she said grumpily. "So what?"
"You kissed me," Spencer repeated.
Spencer was a traitor to the cause, even if he didn't know what the cause was. "You're a really shitty kisser," Bren said meanly. "Next time I'm going to kiss Zack instead."
Spencer made a hilarious face. "Eww, dude," he said. "Kiss Jon or Ryan."
"No, because I hate them and I hate you," Bren said. She was vaguely aware that the whole conversation probably seemed nonsensical to Spencer. She didn't much care.
"You definitely don't hate me," Spencer said. "I mean. You kissed me like an hour ago."
"I kissed you because I was mad at Ryan." She sat up but there wasn't really room in the bunk so she scooted out. She couldn't argue with Spencer when he was standing up and she was lying down, it was too weird. Unfortunately, once they were both standing up he was a foot taller than her.
Spencer frowned. "What does being mad at Ryan have to do with kissing me?" he asked.
"Because he doesn't want me to!" Bren shouted. "Obviously! Duh!"
Spencer looked like he was doing incredibly complicated math problems in his head. "That's why you kissed me?" he asked.
"Basically," she said. "And Ryan's mad, so mission accomplished. I win. I'd sleep with you, just to make sure I win forever, but I don't know how I'd get him to walk in on that." She had distracted herself a little bit with that idea. "I could text message him, I guess. He'd fall for it if I texted there was pizza and weed."
"You are clinically insane," said Spencer. "Ryan would make fun of us forever."
She wasn't tall enough to punch him in the face, but she could knee him in the balls. "Fuck you," Bren snapped. "See, I really do hate all of you."
The hall between the bunks wasn't very wide; on a bad day, when she was a little drunk, Bren had been known to fall off the bunks on one side and smack herself against the bunks on the other. It wasn't enough room to fight with Spencer, really. But it seemed like he was suddenly a lot closer to her. He was right up in Bren's space, with his hands on the wall on both sides of her shoulders.
"Unlike you," Spencer growled, "I don't care if Ryan makes fun of me."
She shivered out of sheer reflex. Spencer's voice had never sounded that rough before.
"I don't care either," Bren said, sticking her chin up. "Except I want to win."
"Let me get this straight," said Spencer, right in her ear. She tried not to shiver again, and swallowed a giggle instead. "You want to win against Ryan so you kissed me."
It seemed logical inside Bren's head somewhere. "Well," she said a little breathlessly, "I thought about kissing Jon."
"Don't kiss Jon," Spencer said quietly, and then he leaned down and kissed her.
She wasn't expecting it. She should have been, she realized immediately; he'd done that lean-in-and-whisper thing boys did when they thought they had moves. But she'd thought he was mad, and now-
It was a really different kiss than earlier. Spencer's chin was a little scratchy but his mouth was soft. She was startled but he wasn't shoving her against the wall or anything, and when he coaxed her mouth open she let him, eyes falling shut. She wasn't sure what to do with her hands so she pushed them behind herself against the wall. He was warm and leaning against her a little bit, and it was much, much nicer than most of the drunken, sloppy kisses she'd had at after-parties and in clubs.
"I am not a shitty kisser," Spencer said.
Bren opened her eyes. "You were shitty before." Her voice was shaking a little bit. "Why didn't you do it like that?" Her head was spinning. Maybe she needed to breathe more while she was kissing someone.
"You threw yourself at me and tried to swallow my tongue," said Spencer. "I was kind of surprised."
She put one hand on her hip and stuck her chin up challengingly. "I'm unpredictable," she said. "Deal with it." It would be kind of cool, she thought, if Spencer kissed her again. She wouldn’t mind or anything. It would be okay if he wanted to grope a little, too. Had he always been so cute when he smiled?
"I've been dealing with it for a couple of years," Spencer said, and then, frustratingly, he stepped back. "Warn me next time, okay? You almost made Ryan's head explode."
"That's my goal!" said Bren excitedly. "I really think the sex thing would work. I was just kidding when I said, but… Um. Unless you really want to, I guess? We could."
Spencer rolled his eyes, which wasn't exactly what she was hoping for. "How about we don't freak Ryan out so badly he injures himself. Not this week, at least."
"I guess," Bren said, a little reluctantly. Spencer grabbed her hand, sliding his fingers between hers, and tugged her toward the lounge. "You're sure you don't want to have sex?"
He squeezed her hand. "Not right now," he said. She was frowning, trying to work out exactly what that meant when he pushed the lounge door open and yelled, "Stop bogarting, you assholes!" Ryan looked up at them holding hands and promptly fell off the couch, which made Bren start giggling even before she got a lungful of pot smoke.
She wedged herself between Jon and Spencer on the couch and thought about climbing into Spencer's lap, just to see what he'd do. What Ryan would do, she corrected herself. But then Jon passed the joint and the Twizzlers and Ryan put Zoolander on the TV and she forgot all about her plans.
--
Somewhere in California Bren climbed on top of the bus. There was literally nowhere in the bus to get ten minutes to herself so she climbed on top to duck the boys and Zack for a little while. If they saw her she'd just say she was looking for Jon's missing hackey sack, because Jon didn't remember that he'd kicked it out the window while they were driving through Nevada.
She drew her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them, looking out over the dark parking lot. There were lots and lots of awesome things about their album taking off when they were so young, and being suddenly famous, and being on magazine covers and stuff. She was definitely grateful for it. Her parents had given up arguing that she should go to BYU when she landed on the cover of Rolling Stone; now they just wanted her to be "safe and happy." There were screaming fans every night. She got to hang out with Patrick and talk about picardy thirds and strumming techniques.
But there were shitty parts, too. Ryan and Spencer and Jon had all had girlfriends in high school so they knew how to talk to people. She'd been the weird, loud girl with the unfashionable clothes and the boy-cut hair and the big plastic glasses who was in school orchestra. The boys hadn't exactly been beating down her door. She'd been famous before boys ever noticed her, and now when they noticed her she never knew if they really liked her or if they just thought it was cool that she was in a band.
Ryan had written a lot of sexy dialogue and strutting around the stage into the show, but being sexy onstage was easy; being sexy off stage was baffling. She would have gone shopping and bought herself a mini-dress and high heels, or gotten her ears pierced. But if she brought that shit back to the bus Ryan would laugh himself sick, and she'd probably break her ankle learning to walk in heels. She was only just getting the knack of sitting around in short skirts without flashing everyone; she'd been mad at Jon for days for snidely saying, "Nice day-of-the-week panties" a couple of photo shoots ago.
She was never, ever going to get the hang of talking to boys if there were no boys around to talk to. Maybe she could have Zack ship some in. He could screen them and make sure they were safe. Or her parents could set her up with a nice Mormon boy who definitely wouldn't try anything except maybe proposing marriage. She could say no to that.
"Are you on the roof?"
She looked over the edge at Spencer, squinting up at her. "Hey," Bren said.
"Jon kicked that hackey sack out the window, you know," Spencer said.
Spencer was always way too on the ball. "Yeah, I know. Just getting some air," she tried.
He was climbing up the ladder, damn it. "Is this a private moping party, or can anyone join?"
"Semi-private," Bren said. "But I will make an exception for you, Spencer Smith, because you shared your Froot Loops with me this morning."
"I'm a prince among men," Spencer agreed, sitting down on top of the roof with her. He kicked his feet up on the air vent over the lounge. "What's up?"
"Us on the bus," Bren said.
"Hilarious," said Spencer dryly.
In the absence of boys that Zack had screened, she could probably trust Spencer to be pretty honest. "Would you sleep with me if I wasn't in a band?" Bren blurted.
Spencer looked a little confused. "I'm not sleeping with you and you are in a band."
"I know that," she said. "Duh. People only want to sleep with me because I'm in a band. No one wanted to sleep with me before that."
"People wanted to sleep with Ryan, so you have to assume a certain amount of universal stupidity," said Spencer.
Bren laughed. "I should post pictures of myself shirtless on livejournal, huh?"
"Don't do that. Didn't you learn anything from Pete?"
She sighed. "How am I supposed to get a boyfriend when I never meet any boys?"
"Why do you care about having a boyfriend?" Spencer asked.
Bren gave him a look that she hoped told him how very, very stupid he was. "Spencer, if I don't have a boyfriend, I'll never have sex."
"Ah," said Spencer. "And if you never have sex then obviously you'll die."
"Don't make fun of me," she said, a little shrilly. "You've had sex, okay. People wanted to have sex with you when you were just some lame-o skateboarding kid who hung out with Ryan Ross. My parents think I'm out on the road living this incredibly debauched life of drinking and drugs and wild sex, and I'm-"
"Only having two of the three?"
She punched him in the shoulder. "How am I supposed to know if I want to have sex if I don't even have the option of having sex? I want a boyfriend, Spencer. Or at least a boy. I would settle for a boy."
Spencer was doing a really weird thing where his eyes kept flickering from Bren's eyes down to her mouth and back. It was almost like he wasn't doing it on purpose. "Any boy?" he asked.
"Well, it would have to be someone who's around," she said. "And who liked me. He doesn't have to like-like me or anything, but he can't think I'm some weirdo who doesn't know how to walk in heels."
"You are some weirdo who can't walk in heels," Spencer pointed out. "That doesn't mean a boy wouldn't like you."
She sighed. "Boys like girls who look like girls and wear fancy shoes and shit. Trust me, I went to high school. I've seen my sisters go on dates."
"Not all boys," said Spencer.
Bren waved a hand at him. "Right, I know, there are some guys who think I'm rocker-chick cool, but they mostly think I'm a lesbo and want me to make out with girls. How am I going to find a girl to kiss? I don't even have a boy to kiss."
"So…" Spencer said. His eyes were doing that weird flicker-to-her-mouth thing again. It was disconcerting, because he was sitting so close that she could feel him, warm against her side. "You're looking for a boy to practice stuff with?"
She giggled. "Yes. Just like guitar practice, only the fingering is totally a different kind."
"Gross," said Spencer, not sounding especially grossed out. He was definitely leaning against her. Looming a little bit, too.
"Oh my god," said Bren suddenly. Her voice was really loud in the quiet parking lot. "Are you going to kiss me again?" Sometimes she was seriously so dumb; he was leaning toward her and everything.
"Uh," said Spencer, backing off a fraction of an inch. "I thought you wanted to practice?"
"I do," she said. Her heart was hammering in her chest; why was it doing that? She wanted to practice, and she definitely wanted Spencer to kiss her again. "You're that bored?" she asked uncertainly. "You wouldn't mind?"
"I think I'd struggle through somehow," said Spencer.
That was pretty okay, then. Bren didn't want him to change his mind, so she added earnestly, "It wouldn't make things weird with the band, I promise. It's just practice for when I get a real boyfriend. It'll be totally low-key, no strings attached, just fooling around. I will even resist the urge to gloat at Ryan. Actually, maybe we'd better not tell him. He'll just make fun of me."
"Sure," said Spencer, and then he leaned in and kissed her.
It was better than last time because now she was prepared for it; she threw her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him, opening her mouth and mashing her nose accidentally against his. Her glasses went all askew and he laughed against her mouth.
"Don't knock us off the roof of the bus," Spencer said.
"Don't pussy out," Bren retorted, climbing into his lap. She needed a better angle if she was going to practice. "Okay?" She threw herself at him enthusiastically, a little surprised when he kissed back gently. Wasn't he supposed to try and devour her whole? That was what happened in all Bren's mom's romance novels. Spencer's hands stayed discouragingly at his sides.
He dragged his scratchy chin over her cheek. She giggled, "You didn't shave."
"I didn't know there was going to be make-out practice," Spencer said. "You keep wiggling."
"Is it sexy?" asked Bren. "Am I turning you on? Are you getting hard?"
"Augh," said Spencer.
"I can wiggle more," Bren offered. "Or you can grab my ass. It's totally nice, right?" She picked up one of his hands and put it on the back pocket of her jeans. "Go ahead. Squeeze. Everyone else does."
Spencer started laughing quietly. His whole upper body was shaking with it. "You are so not what I expect, ever," he said.
That was probably an insult. Bren crossed her arms. "If you want girly shit you're gonna have to go find a girly girl," she snapped.
Spencer slid his fingers into her pocket. "This is okay," he said. "Just… try and relax. It's just kissing."
"For now," Bren said warningly.
"For now," Spencer agreed, and kissed her again.
--
Jon asked, "Who wants to get coffee?"
"I don't want coffee," Ryan whined. "I want that thing you used to make, the white mocha half thing."
"Half-caf two-pump marble mocha with extra whip," said Jon. "You guys want anything?"
Bren hooked her chin over Spencer's shoulder. "Yeah," she said quickly, "but we'll wait here. Bring me back something big with soy milk."
"I'm good," said Spencer. Jon shrugged and Ryan followed him out of the waiting room, waxing poetic about the joys of black and white cookies. Spencer looked back at Bren. "We'll wait here?"
"I promise to make it worth your while," she said, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I have some ideas about how we could pass the time."
"Ah," said Spencer. He kicked the door shut. "This is your idea of sneaking around?"
"Shut up, I'm totally stealth," Bren said, and pushed up on her tip-toes so she could kiss him.
He laughed. "'Kay." He twisted around and grabbed her waist with both hands and picked her up and on to the back of the couch. It was totally thrilling that he could do that without even thinking about it, but she wasn't going to say so. Maybe she'd fake a sprained ankle and see if she could get Spencer to carry her around like a princess, instead of piggy-back like Zack always did. He moved between her legs and she hooked her ankles together behind him.
Spencer's hands tangled in her short hair, pulling her face back a little bit. She grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him down. It was absolutely amazing, having someone around that she could kiss pretty much any time she wanted to. And the thing about Spencer was that she always wanted to kiss him. There was other stuff she wanted to do, too, but she wasn't sure Spencer had signed on for trying that with her.
He was a guy, though, and weren't they always up for sex? She wasn't completely sure, and she didn't want him to laugh when she asked.
"You think they'll be gone long enough for me to take my shirt off?" Bren asked.
"No," said Spencer. "Why would you take your shirt off, exactly?"
She pinched his side. "I'm seducing you, Spencer. Pay attention."
He wrinkled his nose up in confusion. "Am I not already seduced? I'm making out with you, right?"
"That's only step one in my plan," Bren explained.
"Does it have a lot of steps?" Spencer asked. He leaned down and started kissing her shoulder, pushing her Zelda t-shirt aside so he could tongue at the red straps on her shoulder her bra-straps left.
She shivered and closed her eyes. "Yes," she said. "Step one, trick Spencer into kissing me a lot."
"Uh huh. Consider me tricked." He moved up and started kissing under her chin, biting gently at her earlobe.
It was almost impossible to remember what she'd been saying when he did that, but Bren rallied. "Step two," she said, a little breathlessly, "seduce Spencer."
"In progress." He slid his hands down around her waist, pushing her t-shirt up and slipping his fingers down, rubbing against the elastic edge of her panties.
"Right," Bren said. "Step three, we have sex."
Spencer froze. "Really?" he asked. "That's step three?"
"And then," Bren explained, "you'll be in my thrall and I can make you do shit for me like cook breakfast and bring me coffee and beat up Ryan when he's mean."
"I'm not going to beat up Ryan for you," said Spencer, moving over to the other side of her neck. She wanted him to push his fingers down further under her jeans, so she used her feet hooked around his legs to pull him closer.
"After I've seduced you, you will be my love zombie," Bren said. "You'll be totally helpless to my sexy whims."
"So I guess the sex is gonna be pretty mind-blowing, huh?" Spencer asked.
Bren was worried about that, but she joked, "It'll be the best I've ever had. You think we have time now? Jon's so picky about his coffee, and Ryan walks like an old man."
"No," said Spencer. "We definitely don't have time."
The whole idea of having sex made her anxious, and she really just wanted to get it over with. She tugged on his t-shirt. "C'mon, I think if we locked the door and told Zack we need ten minutes-"
"No," said Spencer firmly, and kissed her before she could keep arguing. He ran one of his hands up and down her thigh and it was so distracting, even through her jeans, that she forgot to tell him he was a terrible excuse for a teenage boy.
Spencer must have heard Jon and Ryan coming back before Bren did. He stepped back, ignoring her little sad noise, just as the door opened. His hair was standing straight up in back, though, and Bren hid a giggle by pretending to cough.
"Soy chai," said Jon, offering Bren a giant cup.
Ryan gave Spencer a long, suspicious look.
"What?" Spencer asked.
"Hmmmm," said Ryan, frowning.
Bren smiled innocently at him and kicked her feet against the couch. Her t-shirt was all rucked up at the bottom where Spencer had been sliding his hands. She adjusted it with a surreptitious wiggle.
"Up to something," muttered Ryan.
Spencer grinned at him. "Yep," he said.
--
Zack led the way down the hall through the theater. Spencer slowed down until he was walking behind Jon and Ryan and Bren, who watched him with a puzzled tilt of her head. Normally Spencer wanted to be first. He had kind of a crazy complex about knowing where everything was all the time.
He grabbed her hand and gave her a grin, pulling her back a couple of steps. She bit her lip to stop a slightly hysterical giggle.
"What time is sound check?" Ryan asked.
"Four," Zack said.
"I want to take a nap," said Jon. "A hard four, or a soft four?"
The three of them turned a corner. Spencer stopped and pulled Bren back a step so they were out of sight. "Hi," he whispered.
"We are so going to get caught!" she whispered back, grinning and bouncing at him.
"No way, I am totally smooth," Spencer said, pressing her against the concrete wall.
Bren couldn't stop smiling. "Like James Bond," she said.
He leaned down and kissed her. Sometimes he kissed like they had all the time in the world, but right now he was kissing like they only had a few seconds to live. It was dizzying and hot and so overwhelming that she forgot about the scratchy concrete against her back.
"Yo!" Zack hollered. "If I have to come back there and get you two you're gonna be sorry!"
Bren burst into giggles. Spencer grinned crookedly at her. "My shoe's untied!" he yelled back.
"Up to something!" Ryan shouted.
Bren was laughing so hard she couldn't stand up. She slumped against Spencer, who slung an arm around her waist. "We'll be right there!" Spencer yelled.
"We're going to get busted," Bren whispered between bouts of giggling.
Spencer leaned down and kissed her, hard and fast. "I don't care," he whispered back, and then pulled her around the corner toward the others.
--
Her voice sounded weird, and she lost her ability to hit the high notes before the show ended. The beer Bren chugged didn't help much, and neither did the way Jon winced when she missed a couple of notes in a row. At least Ryan was basically tone-deaf. He gave her a funny look, but settled for getting first shower when Bren just collapsed on the couch in the dressing room.
"You okay?" Jon asked, kicking her boot.
"Take it off," she demanded, making a sad face and holding her foot out. She was way tireder than usual. She wanted to just lie on the couch until it was time to go back to the hotel.
Jon made a face, but he leaned down and pulled off the stupid leather knee-high boots. She sighed happily and wiggled her toes. Ryan and Spencer had designed the costumes, but they didn't have to walk around in fetish boots or a corset. Sometimes she just wanted to breathe.
"We're gonna go to a club after," said Spencer. "Eighteen and up, but lots of booze. You in?"
There would be lots of dark corners to grope in. That was really exciting. On the other hand, her throat was tickling and she felt a little bit like she'd been hit by a bus, instead of giddy like normally after a show.
But Spencer was smiling at her, and she wasn't going to miss that. "Let me shower," she said. "I think I can make it."
Spencer grinned at her and she grinned back. "You two are weird," said Jon, looking from one of them to the other. "Ryan is right, you are totally plotting something. Can I get in on it?"
"No," said Spencer. Bren burst into giggles. Jon shrugged and wandered off.
"Are we plotting something for tonight?" Bren asked hopefully.
Spencer pointed finger guns at her. "I am," he said. "Wear something cute."
"Everything I wear is cute!" Bren objected. "I am always adorable, like a Muppet."
Spencer stared at her for a second. "Just… wear your least Muppety outfit. It's a nice club. They don't let Snuffleupagusses in."
Trying to imagine what to wear was exhausting, and she didn't have many nice clothes in her suitcase. Not clean, at least. "Like a dress?" she hazarded.
"Yeah," said Spencer.
"I'll wear the really short blue one," she said. "And maybe stuff my bra."
Ryan yelled, "Your turn for the shower, sweaty!"
That always meant Bren. "Hold that thought," she ordered Spencer, bouncing to her feet. She was so tired that the room swayed a little bit.
"The one about you stuffing your bra?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Bren punched him on the shoulder. "If you want to find out what's in my bra, you better shut it." She paused. "If you even want to. It's a pretty ratty old bra, though." Spencer looked kind of bewildered. "I'll wear a nice one tonight," Bren promised. "I have that thing my mom bought me with the itchy lace. It is totally sexy."
"I guess?" Spencer said. Cosmo had a lot of articles about how to leave your man wanting more. Spencer wasn't actually her man, and she wasn't convinced he wanted a lot more, but at least he could think about her bra.
Bren flashed him a smile and headed off to the shower. Hot steam would clear up her stuffy head and hopefully help her throat.
--
The blue dress was really short. Bren wiggled around and tried to make sure that she could lean over at least a little bit without everyone on earth seeing that the only clean underwear she had left were the scratchy white ones she'd picked up in the drug store because it was too gross to go commando on a bus full of boys.
"Are you looking at your own butt in the mirror?" Ryan asked.
"Maybe. Shut up." She could lean over a few inches, but after that she was going to have to crouch or something. She tried to decide if it was worth wearing heels when she knew she'd just end up falling over in the darkness of a club. Maybe Spencer would catch her.
"Trying to impress someone?" Ryan asked. He sounded genuinely puzzled.
"No," Bren said. "Definitely not. Just wanted to dress up. You know, I'm supposed to be the flashy face of the band, I have to look nice, I just wanted to-"
Ryan rolled his eyes. "Want me to do your makeup?"
Bren bit her lip. On the one hand, owing Ryan was always a drag. He'd make her pay him back later in coffee or by not letting her choose the movie in the lounge for a week. But on the other hand she basically had no idea which end of a mascara wand to use.
"Yes, but no gloating," Bren compromised.
"It's my charity work for the day," Ryan said, but she knew he was secretly excited. Spencer and Jon had gotten a little too old to let him draw all over their faces whenever he wanted. He fished his makeup bag out of their backstage bags.
"For the record, I am not a doll to be drawn on. I'm only letting you do this because you're better at it than me."
Ryan frowned at her. "Don't talk while the maestro works."
She snorted and crossed her arms, but she obediently stopped chatting. Ryan took eyeshadow really seriously. He tipped her chin up and started dabbing at her eyelids.
Bren lasted about a minute before she wiggled away. "Don't do that thing with nine shades, okay? I will never make it that long."
"You'll stand there and you'll like it," said Ryan. He pushed her hips back against the bathroom counter. "And I will do as many shades of green as I want. You're trying to impress someone, aren't you." He said it flatly, not like a question.
"Shut up," Bren said. She never knew how to deal with Ryan when he was teasing.
"Look up," Ryan ordered, waving eyeliner at her.
"Don't poke me in the eye."
"Okay, well, whoever it is you think you're going to get tonight," said Ryan, "make sure he's not a total dick." Bren started to protest and Ryan harrumphed over her. "I am not going to deal with weeks and weeks of you crying on the bus because some douchewad was mean to you."
Bren batted his hand away. "I wouldn't cry on the bus," she said. "And he's not a douchewad. I mean, there's no guy. Are you done yet?"
"I could spend all night on this," said Ryan. "It's not me, right? Because you're like my weird little sister or something."
"It's not you! Ego much, Ryan? God!" she huffed. He grabbed her cheek and turned her face away so he could do something with green eye shadow.
Ryan made another "hmmmm" noise. "Well then," he said, "at least make sure this guy really likes you. And try not to be totally easy. Guys don't respect girls who don't make them work for it."
She was blushing so hard she was surprised his hand wasn't melting where it touched her face. "Ryan! I am not easy! Unless I want to be, okay, and maybe I do! I swear to god, if you try and give me the sex talk I'm going to kick you in the balls."
"Sometimes, when a mommy loves a daddy very much - "
Bren ducked away from him and looked in the mirror. He'd put three different shades of green across her eyelids, which looked pretty cool.
"If you wipe that off because you forget not to rub your eyes, I'll kill you," said Ryan. "Lipstick."
"Ew," Bren replied. She let him hand her lip gloss, but only because it was the flavored kind.
Ryan looked at her reflection with a critical tilt of his head. "I've done better work," he said. "But not on such a blank canvas."
He was making her anxious in spite of herself. She tried to figure out if she looked more alluring with eye shadow and lip gloss. Probably. Boys liked that kind of stuff; Spencer had specifically told her to dress up. Spencer didn't seem to think she was easy, but she would be willing to be easy if he wanted.
"I look cute, right?" she asked. "I mean, if you weren't Ryan you'd think I looked cute? This is the only dress I have, so it better be cute enough."
Ryan rolled his eyes a little. "He already thinks you're cute. The dress and the makeup are basically frosting."
"Maybe," she fretted, "but maybe it's just because I'm around and he's lonely. I'm pretty annoying - shut up - and I'm not graceful or girly or anything."
"If he was that hard up he'd find someone easier," said Ryan. "It's been like, three years. If he's not annoyed yet you're probably in the clear."
It was very weird getting reassured by Ryan. "I guess," she said. "Wait. You don't know who I'm talking about." She frowned at him.
"Right," Ryan drawled. "Because Jon and I are totally brain-dead and you and Spencer don't spend all day giggling at each other."
Bren's mouth dropped open. "That's a secret!" she said.
"Okay," Ryan said.
She gave him a little shove, and being Ryan, he stumbled back a few steps. "You were not supposed to know about that until I was ready to tell you!" she said shrilly.
"If you fuck stuff up with him I'll kill you, how about that?" Ryan said.
"I hate you," Bren groaned. She went to bury her face in her hands and Ryan caught her arm.
"Don't smudge my master work," he said. "Even Spencer's going to notice if you have a huge streak of green across your forehead."
"It's not a thing!" she said a little hysterically. "It's just practice, he's just letting me practice on him!" She was pretty sure Spencer would freak if he thought Ryan had found out.
Ryan made a face. "Eww," he said. "That's weird and kind of gross. At least you're not planning to have his babies, I guess."
"Maybe I will!" she said. "Wait, no. That is totally weird and gross. Plus, he doesn't want to have sex." She coughed a couple of times. Her throat felt miserable.
"He… Are you sure about that?" Ryan asked.
"I offered! He said no! I think you're overestimating how much he likes me," Bren said.
Ryan looked puzzled. "That doesn't sound right. And are you really going to wear sneakers with a dress?"
Zack yelled, "All aboard who're going aboard!"
"Yes, shut up. And it's no big deal and it doesn't mean anything and don't tell Spencer you know," Bren ordered, ducking under Ryan's arm and out the door. Ryan followed her. Without looking at him she was still sure he was rolling his eyes at her.
--
She thought about telling Spencer that they were basically busted, but Ryan and Jon wandered off almost immediately in search of the D.J., and Spencer bought her a drink. She wasn't sure he'd keep doing it if he knew Ryan thought it was weird and gross so she decided not to risk telling him.
It was dark and loud and Spencer slid his hand up her thigh while she sat on her stool and sipped her chocolate martini. "We could slip into the back and have sex," Bren offered.
"We just got here," said Spencer. It was depressingly clear that he didn't want to have sex with her. She tried not to feel heartbroken about it. Spencer seemed like he'd be a good person to have sex with the first time. He probably wouldn't make fun of her, and he'd have to talk to her afterwards, but he obviously wasn't interested.
"Oh," said Bren. She slammed back the rest of her martini in the hopes it would make her feel better. Instead her head swam a little bit and her throat still hurt. Her whole stomach was flipping over, actually, and if she'd been alone she would have curled up in one of the booths in the corner. It looked so dark and comfy. "Well, you can still kiss me. Or whatever." She remembered what Ryan had said and wistfully dismissed it. Spencer wasn't interested like that. She could be as easy as she wanted.
Spencer leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Yeah?" he said. "I thought we could have some champagne, maybe dance a little. I got us a private booth, and I'm gonna get the DJ to play Sublime later. You know, we're celebrating," said Spencer.
"Oooh," said Bren. "Celebrating what?" She kissed his neck, because that was what she could reach.
"You should guess," Spencer started, and then paused, frowning at her. "Are you okay?"
"I'm great," she said. Her stomach didn't usually feel this bad after just one drink. "Get me a shot of something, okay? I want to celebrate, too."
He looked skeptical, but he asked for two shots of Jager. Bren downed hers quickly. She needed to forget how badly her throat hurt and how tired she was so she could focus on getting Spencer to take her bra off. Maybe not in the middle of the club, but soon. If she waited Ryan would mention that he knew and then her chances would be ruined.
"Dance with me," said Bren, wrapping her arms around Spencer's neck. "What are we celebrating?" She had a mildly crazy idea that if she could distract Spencer and get him worked up enough he'd forget that he didn't want to have sex with her. She was sexy enough to do that, wasn't she?
"That we've been doing this for three weeks," said Spencer. "And it's still good." He picked her up off the stool and the room spun a little bit. When her feet touched the ground again she clung to his neck a little bit. "Are you okay?" asked Spencer.
"Dizzy," said Bren. "Too much to drink. Dance with me."
"You barely had two," Spencer objected, but he let her drag him out on to the crowded dance floor. There were people everywhere, but she pushed her way between them until they were lost in the crowd.
"Happy three weeks," said Bren. "We can make out. Or have sex. It's probably dark enough in a private booth."
"I am not having sex with you in a booth," said Spencer.
So he was definitely, definitely not interested. She tried not to be upset. If she got upset she'd tear up from frustration and then Ryan's eye shadow would smudge. Maybe he just needed options. "How about in the alley? Or on the bus? Ryan and Jon are busy, and the techs are all out tonight. We have time."
Spencer grabbed her shoulders. He had to lean super close in the press of people to make himself heard. "When we have sex," he said quietly, "it won't be rushed, and it won't be in public. It's gonna be awesome. I promise."
"Okay," Bren said uncertainly. Her stomach was flipping and her head felt fuzzy. Maybe Spencer had slipped her a roofie or something. Her throat hurt so badly she was glad he hadn’t kissed her.
The room dipped sharply to the left. The whole thing went a little gray around the edges, which was weird because it was already pretty dark.
Spencer was saying something. Bren blinked hard, trying to concentrate. Spencer had his arms around her, which was nice, but she was also leaning against him at a funny angle.
"-okay?" Spencer demanded. He gave her a little shake, which she didn't love.
"I'm fine," she said, trying to push him away so she could stand up. For some reason he was holding on to her really tightly.
"What the fuck was that?" Spencer asked.
She was going to throw up, and she didn't want to throw up on him. "I'm fine," she repeated. "Let me go, I need some air. I'm gonna throw up."
"Are you fucking kidding?" Spencer asked. He did this thing where he used his big strong drumming arms to pick her up and suddenly she was up in the air somewhere, probably flashing half the club. He had one arm under her knees and one arm around her back under her arms, and she was really, really going to barf. Spencer pushed his way toward the door. "Why didn't you say you felt shitty?"
"I'm sorry," she said. She wanted him to put her down, because she wasn't some little kid. She wanted him to carry her back to the bus and get her tea, because she felt horrible.
All the noise in the club started blurring together. She buried her face against his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck and hoped that he'd put her down before she vomited all over his nice grey t-shirt or his sports jacket. There were a lot of voices. Then there was cold air. Maybe she'd just had too much to drink. She told herself she was just drunk, and that Spencer didn't mind what a cheap date she was.
Her stomach abruptly reminded her just how bad she felt. "Put me down," she ordered, tugging on Spencer's t-shirt. He swung her around so her sneakers hit the ground just as her whole inside decided to invert itself and she leaned over and threw up. Spencer was still holding her arm. Her throat hurt so badly she might burst into tears at any minute, and then Spencer was definitely never going to have sex with her. "I'm sorry," she repeated, and then threw up some more.
"Jesus," sighed Spencer. He rubbed one hand in circles against the small of her back.
She was going to cry. Ryan's make up was destroyed and he'd be so mad and Spencer thought she was lame and she felt shitty all over. Bren ran her knuckles across her eyes and her hand came away green and glittery. "You can go back in, I'll wait out here for Zack. I can just sit on the curb and-"
"Shut up," said Spencer. "Do you want some water?"
"I want a cough drop and a nap," Bren said, and burst in to real tears.
She felt so stupid. Maybe nothing was really wrong; she'd had too much to drink and she felt bad. She'd had too much to drink a hundred times on the last couple of tours. She sat down hard on the curb and buried her face in her hands. For some reason she couldn't stop crying, and the more she cried the worse her stomach hurt and the more miserable her throat and her head felt.
Spencer crouched behind her. She was ruining his night. Throwing up was the least sexy thing she could possibly do, she knew; he was never, ever going to want to kiss her again. "I'm sorry I didn't notice you felt bad," he said quietly. "Zack's bringing the car around. Seriously, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drag you out."
"No, I'm sorry," Bren tried to say, but she was crying and dizzy and mostly she wanted to lie down and hide under a blanket forever. Spencer kept rubbing his hands against her back. Somehow it made her feel worse.
Zack and the van appeared out of nowhere. She didn't mind so much when he picked her up, because he did that all the time and she didn't want to sleep with him.
"You should go in and have fun with Ryan," Bren said, trying to stop crying.
Spencer rolled his eyes a little and climbed into the back seat with her. "How long have you been feeling sick?"
"My throat started hurting this morning," she confessed. "I thought it was just because we've been on tour for so long." Spencer put his arm around her shoulders and she shook her head. "I don't want to get you sick," she said, "and I smell all pukey. Go sit over there."
"Stop telling me to go away," Spencer said. "I'm your friend, remember?"
She started crying again. There wasn't anything wrong with Spencer being her friend, except it made everything he'd been doing lately feel like pity. "Right," she said. "Obviously, I know that."
Spencer frowned at her, but she didn't really care anymore. Her head hurt and it was hot in the car even with the AC turned on. She tried to make herself stop crying and ended up coughing instead; a miserable phlegmy cough that made her chest ache. Spencer put his arm around her and she let him. Everything between them was totally depressing, but at least she'd gotten some good practice out of it.
Bren started to lean against Spencer's shoulder and then realized she was going to get his jacket all green and glittery. "Stupid Ryan," she muttered. "I need to wash my face."
"I thought girls carried those… what do you call 'em, the face wiping thingies," said Zack.
"Baby wipes?" Spencer asked, mildly grossed out.
"But like, for girls' faces," Zack said. "Whatever, we're almost back to the bus. You gonna throw up again? That shit was nasty."
"Maybe," Bren said miserably. Zack stepped on the accelerator.
She didn't throw up in the car again, but when they got out she threw up anything she had left in her stomach. She let Zack and Spencer bully her into the bus and a pair of sweatpants. Then she curled up on the couch in the lounge in a pile of blankets that Zack carried out for her, curled up, and tried to go to sleep.
Spencer woke her up to take some Advil and offer her a glass of ginger ale. He gave her a washcloth for her face and she crawled back under the blankets and fell asleep.
Bren woke up to people talking about her in the doorway of the lounge. "No, she's definitely really sick," Zack was saying, "because she hasn't tried to use it yet to get me to do stuff. If she were faking it she'd be all 'ohhh, Zack, I feel so awful, put on a movie for me,' or 'I'm going to die, go get me sliders from White Castle.'"
"I hate you!" Bren said, but it was mostly muffled by the blankets and the fact that her throat hurt.
"Yeah, yeah," said Zack, holding out a mug of tea. "Honey and lemon."
"I don't want it," Bren moaned, pulling the blankets up to her throat. "I want Advil and death."
Zack somehow managed not to roll his eyes. "You have a show tomorrow night. You're gonna have the damn tea and shut up about it."
She pulled the blankets over her head and curled into a ball.
Zack stomped off and someone else walked over. He sat down on the couch, almost on her feet. "It's raspberry zinger," Spencer said.
Bren said nothing. She felt shitty and she was sure she looked shitty and the boy who refused to have sex with her pitying her was not going to make her feel better.
"You like fruity tea with honey," said Spencer. "What if I make Ryan bring it to you? You can pretend he's your butler."
"Ryan would be a really bad butler," she mumbled in spite of herself.
"But it would be hilarious," Spencer said. "You can pretend you're Robin and he's Alfred."
She didn't want to talk to him, but she couldn't just let that pass. Bren pushed the blanket back a couple of inches. "Why am I Robin?" she asked. "I should be Batman."
Spencer shook his head. "Obviously I'm Batman."
"What do you mean, obviously? Why are you Batman? I'm way Batman-ier than you!" she protested. "You're.. you're… You're Commissioner Gordon."
"I look better in a suit," said Spencer. "I'm totally Bruce Wayne-ing it up all over this band. Then, when everyone least expects it, I save the day." He offered her a mug of tea.
She struggled to sit up without falling off the couch while all wrapped up in a couple of comforters. "I am only drinking that if I get to be Batman."
"Ehhh," said Spencer. "You're not tall enough to be Batman."
She took the tea because her hands were cold and the mug was warm. "I am plenty tall enough. And Batman isn't blond, so there."
"I'm not blond," Spencer protested mildly.
Bren breathed in as much steam as she could get. Her head really ached. "I need a box of tissues and more drugs. Make Ryan bring them to me." She nudged him with her shoulder.
Spencer grinned at her. "Ryan!" he yelled. "Box of tissues and the shoebox of drugs!"
"I'm sorry I threw up on you," Bren said.
He shrugged. "You only managed to splatter my shoes. You aim like a girl."
Bren burned her mouth sipping tea. "You had plans and stuff," she said.
"I can't believe you tried to get me to have sex with you when you were sick as hell," Spencer said. "Was the fever making you delusional, or what?"
Ryan shuffled in with a box of tissues and the shoebox they threw their motley collection of drugs into. The legal ones, at least. "You're gonna catch her death flu," he said disapprovingly.
"Eh," said Spencer, "I was kissing her yesterday so I probably already caught it." Bren froze, sipping her tea. Ryan knew, but but he thought it was weird, and that was going to freak Spencer out. Why had he said that?
"Gross," said Ryan. "You have totally betrayed the bro code."
Spencer pretended to consider. "Which one of us is the bro?" he asked.
"Me!" Bren volunteered.
"Drink your tea," said Ryan sourly.
"I'm more of a bro than you," Bren grumbled. The tea was making her throat feel a little bit better after all.
"I follow my own code," said Spencer. He fished through the box for Sudafed and Advil and handed it to Bren. "That will be all, Jeeves."
Bren giggled until it turned into a horrible cough. Ryan frowned at both of them and left again.
"More tea?" Spencer asked.
"Don't you mind that Ryan knows?" she asked.
Spencer rolled his eyes. "I figured he and Jon figured it out."
She clutched the blankets. "But you don't care?"
Spencer poured more hot water from the electric kettle into her mug. "I don't really give a damn what he thinks," he said finally.
"Then why won't you have sex with me?" she asked plaintively. He handed her the mug back.
"You have the flu," said Spencer. He was infuriatingly reasonable. He messed around with the DVDs.
"But I'm feeling better," she objected. Maybe not having-sex-worthy, but better for sure.
Spencer looked skeptical. "Maybe we should give it twenty-four hours," he said.
"So we can have sex tomorrow?" Bren asked hopefully.
"No." Spencer hit play and settled back on the couch next to her.
She'd been feeling better, but now she felt miserable again. "I know I bullied you into practicing kissing with me, but I thought you liked me," she almost wailed. "Why don't you like me, Spencer? You're a teenage boy and I'm a girl offering to have sex with you! Ryan made me look cute and everything, and I really really don't want to be a virgin any more and you won't help!"
There was a long silence. The Muppets Take Manhattan started up on the TV.
"The thing is," said Spencer, not looking at her, "I actually do want to have sex with you."
"You keep saying no," Bren said. She pulled the blankets up around her neck again.
He sighed but he still wouldn't look at her. "I think us having sex would change things," said Spencer quietly. "And I don't want to fuck stuff up."
She wasn't sure what to say to that. "It doesn't have to mean anything," Bren offered. "I just want to have sex with someone I know the first time. I'm the last virgin in the world."
"You really aren't," Spencer said. "And you could… You should aim a little higher than that."
Bren didn't know what he meant by that so she bit her lip and didn't say anything. Kermit and the gang were presenting Manhattan Melodies as their senior project. Bren hummed along, even though her throat still hurt. She couldn't help it.
"Let's just give it a little while," Spencer said. "Make sure that it's not a bad idea. I promise, it's totally killing me not to have sex with you right now."
"You're just saying that," Bren grumbled.
"No, I'm not," said Spencer quietly, and something in his voice made Bren look up and frown at him. He sounded almost serious about it. She kicked him on the ankle.
"It's not nice to make fun of a sick person," she said uncertainly.
"Honestly," Spencer said, "nothing is more irresistible than you hacking up a lung and having a man-voice. The smeary makeup and the hedgehog hair really get me hot. But the best part - "
"Shut up," Bren giggled. It hurt her chest.
" - is definitely the fever. God, nothing is sexier than a girl running a fever. C'mere, hot stuff." Spencer put his arm around her and pulled her down so she was leaning on his shoulder. She managed not to spill scalding tea all over him, even though she was a little bit dizzy and the giggles had turned into coughing again.
"I'm definitely Batman," Bren told his shoulder sleepily.
"Shh, I wanna hear Kermit's plan to make it on Broadway," Spencer replied.
He took the tea out of her hands just as she dozed off.
--
(And then there is a sequel where they have sex.)