The Second Law of Panic at the Disco (GSF 1/1)
Title: The Second Law of Panic at the Disco
Disclaimer: I own nothing, and this clearly never happened. Also: NOT kid!fic.
Warnings: Oh, gosh. Boys being dumb, boys making out, jokes about ducks. Absolutely no MCR. GSF.
Note: This is a present for emilyray, who is writing something really really brilliantly funny at the moment. This doesn't live up to that at all, but I hope she enjoys it anyway. <3
Thanks to liketheroad and imntsaying for insisting I not throw the whole thing out 1,000 words into it, and for coming up with most of the laws.
9,000 words. PG-13 or so.
Summary: Er, a while back we were goofing around with the Laws of Panic at the Disco, and we came up with ten:
So I think the title should pretty much let you know where this story is going. *facepalm*
No one was surprised when Brendon came back to the bus, teary-eyed. He stomped into the back and slammed the door.
Jon and Ryan and Spencer were playing go fish because Ryan had threatened to make them all wear flowers again if he had to listen to Guitar Hero one more time. Spencer drew another card from the pile and sighed a little. He thought about getting up and going after Brendon, but it was totally going to be the same problem it always was. Brendon had absolutely the worst taste in dates. What was anyone supposed to do about that?
Jon said, “Do you have any fours?”
“Go fish,” said Ryan.
Spencer tried not to, but he could actually hear Brendon being depressed through the door. It was practically his superpower. He shuffled his cards and sighed. “This is the fourth time. We should do something.”
“Do you have any queens?” Ryan asked him.
Spencer scowled and handed him two cards. “You are suspiciously good at go fish. And don’t ignore me.”
“Maybe it’s that we’ve been playing this same stupid game since first grade,” said Ryan. “Jon, do you have any fives?”
“Go fish,” said Jon. “What are we supposed to do? He keeps dating… Well. I’m not going to say whores, because that sounds kind of bad. But uh. He’s making some bad dating decisions.”
Spencer was tired of trying to coax Brendon back in to a good mood. “It’s getting to be a problem. He needs someone steady and nice. Someone who thinks he’s funny, and wants to cuddle all the time.”
“And with a dick,” said Ryan.
Spencer and Jon stared at him for a second.
Ryan drew another card. “What?” he asked. “You were both thinking it. I just said it.”
Spencer had, in fact, been thinking along those lines, but was kind of crass to just say so like that. “I’ve never understood why he thinks he has to date women. It’s not like we’d lose our giant straight male fanbase,” he said instead. If Brendon was trying to protect the band it was sweet, but also ridiculous. Brendon was never going to be able to date anyone seriously when he spent the whole time checking out other guys. Plus, if he settled down with a nice boy maybe he’d stop trying to feel up his bandmates when he was drinking. Spencer didn’t actually object, but it was sort of odd.
Jon had that look on his face he got when he was high, and he’d just realized that ducks were like, awesome, man. “Guys,” he said.
“Do you have any aces?” Spencer asked. Jon’s thinky-face almost never boded well for them.
“Go fish,” said Ryan. “Maybe it’s because of his family? That’s still pretty touch-and-go.” Ryan was sensitive about Brendon and his family, which was sweet, since Ryan wasn’t normally a person who noticed the emotions of people around him unless they were on fire.
“Seriously, guys,” said Jon.
“Well it’s not like they’d be thrilled if they knew he was hooking up with groupies and then crying himself to sleep when they don’t turn out to be his dream girl,” Spencer pointed out.
Jon put his cards down and his hands on the table. “You guys,” he said. “Has… When did Brendon come out to you?”
Spencer looked at Ryan, and then they both looked at Jon, puzzled. “What do you mean?” said Spencer.
“Well, I joined the band late, and I just assumed you were cool with it, and he never really mentioned it to me. But… He did, right? He told you guys he was gay? Or at least, leaning that way sometimes? Right?”
Ryan rolled his eyes. “He spent half of our first rehearsal sitting in my lap,” he said. “And the other half singing showtunes. He didn’t need to.”
“The first time he got drunk he stuck his hands down my jeans,” said Spencer. “What’s your point, Jon?”
Jon bit his lip. “If he never… I mean, it’s clear that… What if Brendon doesn’t know he’s gay?”
Spencer burst out laughing. “Jon, everyone on the internet knows Brendon’s gay.”
Jon just looked at him, with his serious face on. “I’m not kidding, Spence.”
“But-”
“He never said so, right? We’re just all assuming.”
Ryan pressed his lips together, obviously annoyed. “He sits in my lap,” he repeated. “Like, all the time.” He paused. “Not that I mind,” he added, which was obvious, since he had never once dumped Brendon out of his lap in all the years they’d known him.
Spencer added, “And he gets drunk and tries to make out with me. Jon, c’mon.”
“But he always says he was just kidding,” Jon pointed out.
Spencer spluttered for a second. “I have been groped, okay, and not in a kidding way. He’s always talking about guys’ asses!”
“But he says he’s comparison shopping for jeans.”
“He loved dancing with Dusty and Katy Kay,” said Ryan.
“Right, but… He likes dancing. That’s not the same as saying he’s gay.” Jon looked really worried, and Spencer didn’t know whether to laugh or roll his eyes with Ryan. “I really think he doesn’t know.” How Jon managed to say something so ridiculous in such a reasonable tone of voice, Spencer couldn’t figure out.
Ryan held up his hands. “Your thesis is that Brendon is a total disaster at dating because he has no idea that he’s gay?” He raised an eyebrow. “Are you high? Seriously, did you get high and not share with the group?”
“I think… I mean, he knows a lot of gay people,” said Jon, still working it out. “But he’s got his whole family to deal with, and he’s pretty young, and like… What if he thinks gay is what happens to other people?”
They all stared at each other for a minute. “This is completely stupid,” Spencer announced, standing up. “You are a crazy man, Jon Walker.” He threw down his cards. “I’m gonna prove it.”
“You both forfeit, and I win,” Ryan said. “Where are you going?”
“To talk to Brendon,” said Spencer. Jon couldn’t just go around saying completely absurd things. Spencer refused to allow it.
He could feel Ryan and Jon looking at him as he banged on the door a couple of times. Ryan wasn’t the kind of person who solved band problems, because he usually didn’t notice they’d happened at all. Jon was awesome, but he was also laid back. When shit needed doing, it always fell to Spencer to do it.
He could hear Brendon sniffling even before he got a watery, “Come in.”
Spencer pushed the door open and sat down on the couch where Brendon was curled up, watching The O.C.. Spencer wasn’t as good at Brendon as he was Ryan, but he’d gotten a lot better at Brendon in the last few years. He patted Brendon’s knee a little. Brendon liked touching, particularly his bandmates. Which was kind of a sign, in Spencer’s opinion.
“You okay?” Spencer asked. Now that he was back here he couldn’t think of a good way to add, “And are you gay?”
“Everything sucks,” said Brendon.
Spencer sighed sympathetically. “What was she doing?”
“Sleeping with half the road crew,” said Brendon. “Which I guess I kind of knew. I just always pick the worst possible person. Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
Spencer winced. “No,” he said. “You’re just... Maybe you’re limiting yourself?” That was a delicate way to put it, right?
“We only meet a certain kind of girl on the road, I guess,” Brendon sighed. “If I had someone from before, like you and Jon, it’d be different.”
Brendon was being deliberately obtuse. He had to be. Or else he and Jon were playing a really elaborate practical joke. “Have you ever thought about… Um. Branching out?” Spencer asked awkwardly.
Brendon frowned. “To what, like, internet dating? I don’t think that’d be a very good idea. We get enough shit on MySpace.”
Spencer looked carefully for any sign that he was being fucked with, but Brendon just stared back, all wide-eyed and accidentally adorable. “What about,” said Spencer, floundering a little. “I mean, sometimes we go out and party and you end up uh. On me.”
Brendon grinned. It was about half the wattage of his usual smile, but a pretty decent effort. “Yeah, you’re always there to keep an eye on me, Spencer Smith. You’re awesome.”
“But. Um. I’m a guy,” said Spencer. He wished he’d never started this conversation.
“Right,” Brendon agreed. “I’m really lucky to have friends who aren’t totally uptight. You’re like the Patrick to my way-fucked-up Pete.”
They looked at each other for a minute. Spencer couldn’t think of a single other thing to say that wasn’t a blurting demand for Brendon’s orientation, and Brendon was just looking at him, waiting for him to say something. Damn Jon Walker and his ideas anyway. “Pete and Patrick,” Spencer started. “They um. They’re special friends.”
“Yeah,” said Brendon morosely. “I don’t know what Pete would have done if Ashlee wasn’t so cool about it. A guy needs a best friend.”
Spencer stared. If Brendon was serious, then - But he couldn’t be. Spencer would have noticed if, in four years, Brendon had never once… But had he? What if he genuinely thought Pete and Patrick were just joking around, and being huggy was just what bands did, and that he just hadn’t found the right girl yet? Holy shit. Had they had this conversation before and Spencer had just never listened for the girl part of it?
“It’s me, right?” Brendon sighed finally. “I totally suck and you’re too nice to say so.”
“Awww, you don’t suck,” said Spencer, and then hid a wince at his unintentional double-entendre. Or was that irony? Fuck, Ryan would have known. “C’mere.” Brendon curled up on his lap and sighed forlornly. “You just haven’t met the right person yet,” Spencer said, petting Brendon a little.
“What if I never do?” Brendon asked.
Spencer set his jaw. “We’re not going to let that happen,” he said, and started planning.
***
“You want to go where?” Ryan asked, in his most devastating monotone.
Spencer refused to be dissuaded. “I think it’s a good idea,” he said. “It like, normalizes the idea of dudes hooking up with dudes.”
“I don’t think he thinks there’s anything wrong with it,” Jon pointed out. “I think he just hasn’t thought about what he personally wants. Which, no offense, Spencer, you can’t really force him to do.”
“That’s my point!” said Spencer, annoyed. “I’m not forcing him to do anything, I’m just trying to make him think about stuff. I’m not, telling the whole world he’s gay, I’m just…”
The look Ryan was giving him was almost indescribable. A little skeptical, a little horrified, a lot do-you-even-hear-yourself-right-now? “Dude. You’re flipping out.”
“No, I’m not, and you are the least supportive person I have ever been best friends with, Jesus, Ryan.”
Jon sighed. “Let’s pretend for a minute that Spencer isn’t losing his mind.”
“Hey!”
“Your big plan is to take him to a gay bar? What would you even be doing at a gay bar? And what do you think Brendon’s going to do at a gay bar, besides, you know, giggle?”
Spencer crossed his arms sulkily. “Meet dudes. Dance with them. Get drunk and go home with someone. I don’t know.”
“The problem, though, isn’t so much that Brendon’s never heard of been gay before. It’s that he hasn’t thought of himself being gay,” Jon said.
“Duh,” said Spencer. They were both staring at him, so he threw his hands in the air. “If you two geniuses have better ideas, bring them on!”
“We can totally come up with something better than that, at least,” said Ryan.
Spencer narrowed his eyes. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Guys,” said Jon. “We don’t need to-”
“You don’t have any ideas at all, do you,” said Spencer. “Ha.”
“Shut up, I do,” Ryan said.
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Wanna bet?”
Jon sighed. “This is probably not a good idea,” he said.
Ryan turned and looked at him. “Spoken like a man who’s too lame to get in on the bet.”
There was a minute of silence. Jon was wavering, clearly; he didn’t have the kind of history of stupid betting Ryan and Spencer did. Spencer, for example, was still in the midst of kicking Ryan’s ass in a bet over who could wear the same shirt more days in a row.
“Fine,” said Jon finally. “I have way better ideas than both of you put together.”
“Ha,” said Spencer again.
“I totally already have a plan, in fact,” said Jon. “It’s a secret, though.”
“I call bullshit,” said Ryan immediately. “You can’t have a secret plan. Then if one of us wins you’ll be like ‘That was my plan all along.'”
“But it’ll only work if I don’t tell you,” said Jon. He paused. “Okay, what if I write it down now? And then when it works, I’ll show you guys.”
Spencer looked at Ryan skeptically. Ryan gave his I’m-fine-with-it-if-you-are shrug. Spencer responded with an I’m-dubious-but-willing-to-go-along shrug in return. It was nice, having known Ryan so long that they didn’t need to talk out loud anymore.
“What do I get when I win?” said Spencer, crossing his arms.
“Well, no more temper tantrums on the bus, if you do it right,” said Jon.
Ryan rolled his eyes. “I’ll let you pick what we wear,” he said. “For a month. But if I win, I get to pick.”
“You pick anyway,” Spencer grumbled, but he nodded.
“And if I win,” said Jon. Spencer almost stopped listening, because Jon wasn’t going to win. “If I’m right, we all have to go to a baseball game and be hetero-normative for a day.”
“You’re missing the entire point of this bet,” said Spencer.
Jon shook his head. “I’m really, really not,” he said.
\\\\\
Brendon was surprisingly easy to talk in to visiting a gay bar, because Spencer just didn’t mention where they were going. Brendon always sort of dressed like he was going out trolling for boys, what with the skin-tight jeans and the tiny t-shirts and the adorable hoodies, so Spencer wasn’t too worried about that. He just put on a t-shirt and a sports jacket and told Zack to wait for them in the car.
“Yeah,” said Zack, “Right. That’s gonna happen,” and followed them onto the sidewalk.
Brendon was wearing sneakers that were such a brilliant, unearthly shade of hot pink they could probably have been seen from space. “I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, Spence,” he said. “I’m okay, though. Eventually the band will break up and I’ll end up busking on the street for spare change and then I’ll totally meet a weird hippie chick and we’ll get married and live in a cardboard box and have a hundred kids.”
A couple of days earlier Spencer would have assumed that was a joke, of the ha-ha-isn’t-it-funny-to-pretend-I’m-straight variety. Now he narrowed his eyes. “You don’t even like hippies,” he said.
Brendon shrugged. He was smiling, but he looked a little bit bleak underneath it for all that. Learning Brendon’s different smiles had taken Spencer a while. “I don’t like the girls I do like, apparently,” he said. “Maybe if I try someone who’s the opposite of what I like, I’ll end up happy. Y’think?”
Spencer did, but not quite in the way Brendon was talking about. “C’mon,” said Spencer. “I’ll buy you a drink.” The nice thing about being on tour in Europe was Spencer could buy Brendon a drink and no one would look at them twice.
Well, except Spencer sort of hoped lots of people inside were going to look at Brendon at least twice. Zack crossed his arms. “Spencer,” he said. “This is-”
“Yeah,” said Spencer quickly, “I know.” He put a hand on Brendon’s back and gave him a little shove inside.
Spencer had gotten a recommendation for this place, and he knew it was a nice, low-key deal, where he wouldn’t have to worry about mostly-naked guys in leather pants trying to molest Brendon or anything. And actually it looked just like any other bar, with lots of big comfy couches and a soccer - football - match on in the background. The only giveaway, really, was the two guys making out in a back corner.
“Nice,” said Brendon. He and Spencer sat down at a table and Zack went over to the bar, where he could keep an eye on everything. Sometimes Zack got to be a little less like a bodyguard and a little more like a chaperone. Spencer felt oddly like Zack was their dad, there to make sure nothing untoward happened while they were out on a date. And it wasn’t like Spencer was planning to get under Brendon’s shirt tonight - or really, let anyone else get there, either - it was just weird having Zack watching out of the corner of his eye.
They each got a beer, and Spencer looked around the room for a likely candidate. Someone sort of cuddly, with a long attention span and infinite patience, sort of Jon Walker-esque would be best. Spencer felt a little pang that Jon had Cassie at home, and wasn’t actually sitting around pining for Brendon. That would have been ideal. In a pinch, someone Ryan-ish would also work; endless enthusiasm for how talented Brendon was, and the ability to make him laugh. And if all that failed, Spencer could always look for someone like him. Brendon seemed pretty fond of Spencer.
At any rate there was a guy sitting by the TV who had definitely checked Brendon out when they walked in. He looked young and not-awful. Spencer wasn’t looking for a soulmate here, just someone Brendon could talk to and maybe be interested in. Spencer was trying to facilitate a sexual identity crisis, not an exchange of STDs.
“Dude,” said Brendon suddenly. “Is this a gay bar?” Spencer winced and waited for Brendon to get upset, but he laughed, instead. “That’s kind of awesome. It is, right? I’m gonna take a picture and send it to Pete.” He took out his phone.
Spencer smacked it out of his hand. “Don’t do that,” he said.
Brendon couldn’t stop giggling, which meant he’d finished his first beer. “Pete will think this is hilarious! You and me in a gay bar.”
“Pete will put that picture on the internet,” said Spencer grimly. “And then the whole world will think it’s hilarious that you and I are in a gay bar.”
Brendon considered that for a second. Spencer ordered him another beer. He had a feeling alcohol helped a lot with this kind of thing. “Okay,” said Brendon. “Why are we in a gay bar?”
Spencer’s face got a little hot, but he was saved from answering because the guy he’d been eyeing earlier walking over. “Hey,” he said, and up close he was cute in that British too-pale-and-crooked-teeth way. “I’m Steven. Haven’t seen you around here before.”
“Brendon,” Brendon beamed at him. “Is that Chelsea?”
“What?” said Spencer. They didn’t know anyone on the tour named Chelsea.
“On the TV,” said Brendon, rolling his eyes. “Chelsea. Remember, I watched that whole season of Footballer’s Wives with Ryan? All I remember is Chelsea and Arsenal, though. And Tanya. She was awesome.”
Steven laughed. “It’s Chelsea,” he agreed. “And you’re American, eh? Brilliant. Can I get you another beer?”
How had Brendon finished his second so quickly? Spencer frowned. Brendon wasn’t very big, and despite his practice drinking with TAI, he usually ended up under the table singing sea chanteys. Spencer looked at Steven looking at Brendon. He decided he needed another drink, too.
“Sorry,” said Steven to Spencer. “Am I… Am I interrupting anything here?” He handed Brendon a beer and smiled.
Spencer had the weirdest urge to grab Brendon by the arm and hustle him out and back to the hotel, but that would have negated the entire point of the field trip. Spencer’s betting pride was resting on this. “Nope,” he said. “We’re just friends.”
Brendon found that unbearably hilarious and fell over on the seat. “No matter what Ryan says,” he agreed, giggling. “Spencer likes me, but he doesn’t like me.”
“I barely even like you at all,” Spencer said, rolling his eyes. Brendon accidentally kicked him.
“Excellent,” said Steven. “Maybe I could show you some more about football?”
Brendon couldn’t stop laughing. “Oh, that would be great,” he said, and grinned at Spencer, who didn’t feel like grinning at all at the moment. Which was odd - this was exactly what was supposed to be happening. Steven tugged Brendon to his feet and handed him another beer and steered him toward the television.
Spencer had two more beers watching them watch the match. Brendon got very excited about things like yellow cards and nearly toppled over, doing a victory dance when someone scored. That meant he’d probably had too many drinks already, but he hadn’t actually groped Steven or even gotten groped, so Spencer wasn’t ready to cut him off yet. Brendon was sitting halfway on Steven’s lap, though, explaining something incredibly earnestly, and Spencer decided to have another beer. Or two.
Spencer was just beginning to consider sending Zack over to pry Brendon off Steven - or Steven off Brendon, bet be damned, that guy’s hands were getting awfully friendly with their lead singer - when Brendon was abruptly and breathily right in Spencer’s ear. “Spencer!” he said. Spencer didn’t remember seeing him walk over, which was odd, and maybe a side effect of all the beer. “Spencer, do you know what I love? Football. Not American football, real football. That’s what Steven says. Real football.”
He lurched a little, because he’d had too much to drink, and Spencer tried to reach out and catch him, but his arms weren’t working quite right - possibly Spencer should have cut himself off three beers earlier - and instead he and Brendon both fell on to the booth seat, nose-to-nose.
“You’re drunk,” Spencer accused.
“I know,” Brendon giggled, and hid his face in Spencer’s neck. It tickled. “Steven says so. He says I’m a lightweight. I’m not a lightweight, though, am I? Tell him I’m not.”
“Well, get off me, then,” said Spencer, who wasn’t quite coordinated enough to move Brendon and sit up at the moment.
Brendon tried, sort of. He put a hand on Spencer’s chest and pushed himself up for a second, but when he shifted his weight he ended up kneeing Spencer way too close to the crotch. Spencer flinched, and that made Brendon fall again, knocking the breath right out of Spencer.
“You’re drunk, too,” Brendon laughed into Spencer’s chest. “I told Steven how nice you are. Why did you take me to a gay bar and get me drunk, Spencer Smith? Were you trying to tell me something?”
Spencer was totally relived that Brendon had figured it out. “Yes,” he said. “Exactly.”
Brendon pushed himself up again and looked at Spencer seriously. “It’s okay,” he said. “I love you anyway.” That was a little puzzling, but it wasn’t puzzling at all when Brendon leaned down and kissed Spencer. He was probably aiming for the cheek, but he missed and got Spencer half on the mouth instead. Spencer was just relieved Brendon wasn’t mad about the whole thing.
“Good,” said Spencer. “We love you anyway, too.”
“We?” said Brendon curiously. His face was still awfully close to Spencer’s, and Spencer was a little worried that Brendon was going to express his newfound sexual freedom by trying to kiss Spencer for real. That would have been awful.
Well. Not awful. Definitely weird, though. Because Spencer had a girlfriend and he didn’t like kissing boys. Except the one time he’d kissed a boy - Ryan, obviously - it had actually been pretty okay, but Spencer didn’t like to mention that, since it sounded kind of gay. And this wasn’t about Spencer, this was about Brendon.
Definitely too many beers.
Brendon abruptly squeaked and lifted off Spencer. Zack appeared, looming behind him. Had Zack always been so tall? “You two are done,” said Zack. He looked mad, but Spencer wasn’t sure why; the plan was working beautifully.
“Ryan owes me,” said Spencer to Zack.
Zack was holding Brendon up with one arm. “Uh huh,” he said. “Whatever you say. We’re going home.”
“But he hasn’t hooked up with anyone yet,” said Spencer. He only sort of registered Zack grabbing his arm and pulling him to his feet.
“Ryan’s not even here,” said Zack, rolling his eyes.
“No, I mean Brendon,” Spencer insisted. What if it didn’t take and they had to do this all again?
Zack snorted. “Hasn’t he?” he said, and dragged them outside to the sidewalk.
\\\
Spencer was watching Jon like a hawk, but so far Jon hadn’t done anything. Seriously, he was acting like no bet was going on at all, just sitting around playing bass absently and calling Cassie and occasionally smirking. But that was what Jon did anyway. It was infuriating, and it made Spencer more and more suspicious.
Also, Spencer had a headache, and a hazy recollection of Brendon nearly kissing him while they’d been out. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with either. The headache made him grumpier than usual, while the kiss told him that Brendon was figuring things out, but maybe not exactly the way Spencer had intended.
Brendon came back to the lounge and threw himself on the couch. It wasn’t the same kind of dramatic throwing he did when he was heartbroken over a girl, but it was definitely exasperated. “Ryan won’t stop talking,” Brendon announced.
That was different. Brendon was almost infinitely patient with Ryan babbling about whatever Ryan babbled about; Spencer was much more likely to tune him out and pretend he didn’t exist. “What’s he talking about?” Spencer asked.
“Birds, I think. I don’t know, he’s being really weird.” Brendon rolled over on his stomach and kicked his feet in the air for a minute. “You know how sometimes he talking and it’s a metaphor? But sometimes he’s talking and it’s not a metaphor? I have no idea which one that just was.”
Spencer frowned. “What about birds?” he said.
“Something about some of them living in the ocean and some of them living in ponds. And then how sometimes ducks get confused about their purpose in life.” Brendon buried his face in the couch. “Mmmmfh,” he added.
“What?”
Brendon looked up. “I said, ‘What’s that about?’ Is he going to make us all dress up again? I like wearing jeans. I really, really like wearing jeans.”
Not unless he won the bet, Spencer reflected darkly, which he wouldn’t if his strategy was to talk about birds. “I think it’s about Ryan,” said Spencer carefully. “Maybe he’s making a metaphor about himself.”
Brendon considered that for a second. “Ohhhhh,” he said. “Well that explains… Okay, cool. Man, what’s up with this band, lately?”
“Has Jon said anything to you?” Spencer asked. Jon was being sneaky, for sure, he just couldn’t figure out how.
Brendon frowned. “No. He’s been pretty normal. I mean, he told me I should smoke up with you and Ryan, but that’s just Jon being Jon.”
It was, and that made Spencer doubly suspicious. “Let me know if he starts acting weird,” he said.
“The whole band is acting weird,” Brendon said, sitting up.
Spencer decided to ignore that. “Did you call Steven?”
Brendon frowned. “Why would I call Steven?” he said. “And for that matter, why did you spend the whole time sitting in the booth frowning? You are the weirdest.”
“I wasn’t frowning,” Spencer said, wondering if he had been. He had the best of intentions, he just got a little protective of Brendon sometimes. “And I think you should call him because y’know. You guys seemed to hit it off.”
“But…” Brendon started, baffled. He threw his hands up in the air. “Why don’t you call him?”
Spencer was pretty baffled, too. “I barely talked to him,” he said.
“Which I thought was pretty strange, actually,” Brendon agreed.
They stared at each other for a minute. “What?” Spencer said finally. Clearly Brendon hadn’t actually figured out whatever Spencer had been hoping he’d figured out, and Spencer was going to need to come up with a plan B. He wasn’t that worried, because Ryan was a disaster at explaining things through metaphor, and Jon apparently wasn’t really participating. Still, though.
“I’m gonna go see if Ryan’s done talking about ducks,” said Brendon. “Let me know if you work this out.”
“Work what out?” Spencer said, but Brendon had already wandered away. Somewhere else on the bus Ryan began an enthusiastic speech about waterfowl.
\\\
They did an interview thing, and Jon acted a little suspicious. Or at least, when they went to sit down on the couch Jon sprawled a lot more than normal, so there was a lot less room than normal. “Where am I supposed to sit?” Brendon demanded, crossing his arms.
Jon shrugged. “Sit on Ryan.”
“Ryan’s pointy,” Brendon complained.
“Hey,” Ryan said. “You sit on me all the time.”
“Then sit on Spencer,” said Jon. “He’s not pointy.”
“Hey!” Spencer objected. “The dude with the beer belly doesn’t get to make fun.”
“I don’t wear skin-tight little-girl’s t-shirts,” Jon pointed out.
“Just because half our band looks like orphaned refugees-” Spencer started.
“I am not that pointy,” Ryan interrupted. “Plus, I’m wearing like, seven layers.”
“A scarf is not a cushion,” Jon said.
“Oh my god, shut up,” Brendon almost-yelled. “I can sit on both of you, seriously, watch me.” He flopped on Spencer and almost caught Ryan in the face with an elbow, but they both had a few years of practice at being targets of Brendon’s flopping, so they were prepared. “See? Everyone happy?” Brendon asked.
Jon looked amazingly smug, and Spencer wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t like it. “What?” he asked.
“Nothing,” said Jon. “Hey, I’m a Cubs fan. How do you guys feel about the Cubs?”
“You didn’t win yet,” Ryan said, glowering, and shoved Brendon’s elbow out of his face again.
“What? Seriously, is there something in the water?” Brendon asked. “What is wrong with you all?”
“Nothing,” Spencer grumped, and then they all had to stop because the interviewer walked in.
\\\\
Spencer rented Queer As Folk and made Brendon watch it with him. Made was a strong word, actually - Spencer bought a box of donuts and put it on the table in the lounge, and Brendon showed up thirty seconds later. “Watch with me?” Spencer said, and Brendon said, “Mmm, donut,” in his best Homer Simpson voice. He settled down on the couch next to Spencer, though.
“What are we watching?” Brendon asked.
“Um. Ryan says this is really good,” Spencer answered, avoiding the question, and hit play.
They watched for maybe thirty seconds before the title card came up and Brendon started giggling. “Did he?” he said. “You two are hilarious.”
“What? Why?” Spencer asked, but Brendon shushed him. He snuggled up against Spencer, which he had a tendency to do when he sat on the couch. Unless he was snuggled against Ryan or Jon, of course. Brendon wasn’t a big fan of sitting on his own.
Spencer didn’t really get the show, at first; it was just guys talking and acting all gay. And then they went to a club, and holy shit was that guy actually going down on that other guy? Spencer shifted uncomfortably. He hadn’t realized you could show that much of a person’s naked ass on television. It was a really nice ass, not that Spencer had much of an opinion on other guys’ asses. Still, the point wasn’t for Spencer to notice, it was for Brendon to, so Spencer cleared his throat. “Nice,” he said.
Brendon laughed. “What, the naked guys?”
“The… ass,” said Spencer.
“And what, exactly, do you have to compare it to?” Brendon asked. “Ryan has no ass at all.”
“You have an ass,” Spencer said.
Brendon sat up for a second. “Were you checking me out?” he asked, sounding… Well, Spencer wasn’t sure how Brendon sounded.
“No,” Spencer said. “I mean, you talk about it. I didn’t… Shut up.”
Brendon threw his arms around Spencer. “I told you at the bar, I love you anyway, Spencer Smith. You don’t have to worry.”
Spencer frowned at the tv for a second before Brendon’s words sank in and finally started making sense. “Whoa,” he said abruptly, sitting up. “Hang on. I’m not gay.” He maybe shoved Brendon over a little on the couch, because… No.
Brendon crossed his arms. “Then why did you take me to a gay bar?” he demanded. “And why are we watching Queer as Folk? And why does Ryan keep trying to come out to me? I figured you two were finally making your big gay love public.”
“What? No!” Spencer almost yelled. “I have a girlfriend, Brendon, Jesus Christ!”
“So does Ryan,” Brendon said. He sounded a little mad and a lot confused. “I thought you like… Maybe you told her or something.”
“No, you’re the one who-” Spencer started, and then stopped, because he hadn’t really planned on yelling that.
Brendon’s mouth dropped open. “Are you kidding?” he said.
“You have had a total crush on Ryan since you met him,” Spencer argued.
Brendon’s face got a little red. “What are you talking about? I like girls!”
“And Ryan.”
“You should talk.”
“Shut up!”
Brendon was looking madder and madder. “You two practically dated all through high school! You told me so! He was your first kiss, Spencer, you big fucking liar!”
“You,” said Spencer, “kissed me at the gay bar.”
Brendon’s face got redder. “I was supporting your lifestyle,” he yelled. “Way to misconstrue my good intentions!”
“No, you were misconstruing my good intentions!” Spencer yelled right back.
They stared at each other for a long second. They were both breathing hard, and Spencer was a little worried that his face was as red as Brendon’s. He was going to go to his bunk and call Haley and they were going to have a really long laugh about this. Seriously. She knew he’d kissed Ryan - one fucking time, Brendon - and she was totally cool about it.
“Hang on,” said Brendon. He turned so he was sitting - well, not quite on Spencer’s lap, and not quite straddling Spencer, and it was confusing - and looked seriously at Spencer. “You took me out and planned a movie night and stuff because you think I’m gay? That’s… Okay, that’s sort of sweet. I forgive you.”
“You forgive me?” Spencer said, mildly outraged.
“For being a jackass and not just like, asking me.” Brendon smiled. “I think you’re kind of deluded, but it’s still sweet.”
“I am not deluded,” Spencer argued. “Seriously.”
Brendon’s face was… It was really close to Spencer’s face, actually, and he was smiling his big stupid smile, and his mouth was kind of girly, which Spencer had never noticed before and never meant to notice anyway. “You are totally gay for Ryan Ross,” Brendon said confidently. “And you’re going to have to deal with that. You might also be totally gay for me, I haven’t decided yet.”
“You’re totally gay for me,” Spencer said. “And Ryan. And Jon, too, I think. You have made this band one-hundred percent gayer than it was.”
“Fuck you,” Brendon said cheerfully. He leaned in closer - any closer and he would actually be touching Spencer’s face with his face, and Spencer’s heart was racing and his stomach lurched a little bit - and said, “I think you’re wrong.”
“I…” said Spencer. His voice was weirdly breathy, maybe because Brendon’s was, too? “I’m not.”
That was when Jon walked in. If he hadn’t, Spencer thought, something else might have happened just then, and he was mildly terrified to think what. Jon looked at them, and then the TV, and then them again, and that was definitely a smirk on his face. “Hey,” said Jon. “What’s goin’ on in here?”
“Nothing,” said Spencer, and he would have shoved Brendon off his lap, but Brendon sat back and he could be weirdly unmovable for someone roughly the size of a sixth-grader.
“Spencer was telling me how he’s not at all gay for Ryan,” said Brendon.
Jon nodded like that made sense. “Okay,” he said.
“If you were gay for Ryan, you’d admit it, wouldn’t you, Jon?” Brendon went on. Spencer growled and shoved him a little.
“I,” said Jon solemnly, “am totally gay for Ryan. Always have been.”
Brendon beamed at him. “Right?” he said. “Ryan’s awesome.”
“I’m pretty gay for you and Spencer, too,” said Jon.
Spencer hated being made fun of. “Shut up,” he ordered.
“See how Jon’s totally comfortable with himself?” Brendon asked him, patting Spencer’s shoulder sympathetically.
“It’s called the Kinsey scale,” Jon agreed.
“Shut up,” Spencer repeated. “I am not-I hate all of you.” Jon in particular, who knew perfectly well what the bet was about, and was fucking around just to mess with Spencer.
“Yo, Bden, you down for ice cream?” said Jon.
Brendon scrambled off Spencer’s lap. “Always,” he said. “You’re the best, Jon.”
“I know,” said Jon, and ushered him out.
Spencer crossed his arms. He was honestly so, so pissed. Jon stuck his head back in the room. “By the way,” he said, “When I win this bet? You all have to sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game’ and sign up to put stupid messages on the score board that say ‘JWalk Rulz.’ Just so you know.”
Spencer threw a pillow at his head and missed by a mile.
\\\\
Spencer curled up in his bunk and called Haley. “Brendon’s being mean,” he said, before she’d even said hello.
“Is he?” Haley said. “That’s weird.”
“He won’t stop talking about how I’m gay for Ryan.”
There was a long pause. Spencer figured Haley was either in class or she’d just gotten out of class. Maybe she was busy. “Oh, honey,” she said finally.
“I know, right? It’s so stupid, but he keeps going on about it.”
“What do you mean?”
Spencer frowned. “I mean it’s stupid to say I’m gay for Ryan, when I have a girlfriend. You.”
“But…” Haley hesitated. “That’s never actually stopped you from being kind of gay for Ryan.”
He almost dropped the phone. “What?” Spencer squawked. Haley was supposed to be on his side. “What are you talking about?”
“I didn’t know it was supposed to be a big secret,” Haley said. “You and Ryan have always had a crush on each other. I’m surprised it took Brendon so long to notice.”
Spencer grumbled, “It’s not that he noticed, it’s that he thought we were coming out to him.”
“Why did he think that?”
Spencer didn’t want to talk about that. “What do you mean, we’ve always had crushes on each other?”
“And on Brendon.”
“What?”
“On Jon, too. Are you upset about this?”
Spencer stared at his phone in total, total betrayal. “I do not,” he protested. “I have never… We’ve been dating forever. Remember?”
“I’ve always thought it was cute. Wait, Spencer, are you just figuring this out? Because when we started dating I pretty much resigned myself to being the other woman.”
“The whole world has gone insane,” Spencer moaned. “I hate everyone.”
“Keltie calls it the Big Gay Band Bus.”
“What?” Spencer was tired of saying that.
“And Cassie’s always saying that the seven of us should just call ourselves a cult and get married in a big ceremony and go live in the cabin in the woods and wear flowers in our hair and shit.”
His girlfriend had talked to Ryan’s girlfriend about how gay they all were. Spencer didn’t know how to process that information. “So what, you wouldn’t even care if Brendon like, kissed me?” He was uncomfortable with how close that had come to happening, which sort of made it sound like Haley was right.
Haley burst in to laughter. “Are you actually telling me he hasn’t yet? Oh my god, that’s hilarious. I have to call Keltie. I am totally going to win this bet.”
“Of course he hasn’t! I’m not - Wait. What bet?”
“He’s kissed Ryan, though, right? I mean, besides on stage.”
“No! We are all straight.” Maybe he did owe Brendon an apology.
“Honey,” said Haley. She sounded a little sad. “You’re… Listen, the sex is great, okay? And I love you a lot. But if you were all any gayer I just don’t know what you’d do. You are totally in love with Ryan and Brendon and Jon, and you have been forever. I thought you knew.”
“And you date me anyway?” Spencer said. The idea that Haley knew about this, and she didn’t really seem upset was almost like… It was almost like permission to think things. Things about Ryan. Things about Brendon. Things about Jon. Things that maybe Spencer had been working really hard not to think about, and he hadn’t even realized.
“Spence, I love you and you love them. I am honestly sort of shocked that the four of you haven’t… You really haven’t ever all gotten naked and had sexytimes together? Seriously? Keltie seems pretty sure you have.”
“But wouldn’t you… Wouldn’t you care?”
Haley sighed. “The thing about you, Spencer, is that dating you means dating your band. Brendon eats all my food and Ryan uses my shower and Jon expects me to cat-sit. Plus, if you guys get your shit together about this, Cassie and I want to - Well. Um. Let’s just say that we have plans, too.”
“You… Holy shit.” Spencer had a brief, blinding flash of Haley making out with Cassie, and barely stopped himself from moaning right there. “You guys talked about that?”
“Among other things. Keltie’s pretty enthusiastic, too. If you guys work this out there’s… There’s some stuff we’d like to watch.”
Spencer was in serious danger of embarrassing himself because he hadn’t even drawn the curtain shut on his bunk, and if Haley didn’t stop that he was going to come in his jeans. “I… I have to go,” he said, in a strangled voice.
“Good luck,” said Haley cheerfully. “Keep me up to date. I have a spa weekend riding on this bet.”
“I love you,” said Spencer fervently.
“I know,” said Haley, and hung up.
\\\
They were watching a movie on the couch in the lounge, but things were… Different. Spencer had the end of the couch all to himself. When Ryan had tried to sit down next to him Spencer’s heart leapt in to his throat. Brendon gave him an arch look, so Spencer kicked at Ryan and said, “Get your own cushion.”
Ryan made an elaborately startled face and said, “Fine, I’ll sit with Jon.”
“Do you want me to sit with Jon, too?” Brendon asked, in a voice that clearly said he was laughing at Spencer.
“Maybe,” Spencer grumped. It was an honest answer; he wasn’t sure if he wanted them all to sit on him or not. Normally it was fine, but tonight… He couldn’t stop thinking about what Haley had said. Was it possible that Brendon wasn’t the most oblivious person in the band? Were they all totally gay about each other?
“Riiiiight,” Brendon drawled, rolling his eyes, and flopped on Jon Walker. Ryan snuggled up on Jon’s other side, as much as someone made entirely of elbows could snuggle.
“You’re missing out,” said Jon, in his smuggest voice.
“Shut up,” said Spencer, pulling his knees up. He didn’t feel left out. That would have been stupid. But… They did normally sit all over each other. Ryan was already leaning on Jon, and Jon had a hand in Brendon’s hair, and Brendon was sprawled across both of their laps. And that was just… It was just normal. What the hell.
“What are we watching, Jon Walker?” Brendon asked.
“Angels in the Outfield,” said Jon. Spencer wanted to punch him.
Spencer didn’t mind sitting alone, seriously, except the other three looked totally comfortable, and Spencer had gotten sort of used to being the person Ryan liked to snuggle with, and Brendon wanted to sit on, and he liked leaning on Jon.
“Truth or dare,” said Jon suddenly.
“What?” Brendon perked up immediately. “Are we playing? Truth!”
Jon grinned. “Okay,” he said. “If you had to kiss any guy in the whole world, who would it be?”
There was a pause, during which Spencer almost grumped that Jon was a fucking cheater. And also wished he’d thought of that particular tactic a week ago. “Spencer,” said Brendon finally, biting his lip. And then, “No offense.”
“Why would we be offended by that?” Ryan asked.
Spencer’s heart pounded in his ears. “What?” he said, but it didn’t have any of the angry force it should have. “You’re the one who was yelling at me about how you’re straight.”
“Whoa,” said Ryan. “When did this happen?” He looked suspiciously at Jon and then at Spencer.
Brendon fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt. “I like girls,” he said. “I like dating girls. But I was thinking about you, and Ryan, and coming out, and it was like… I just…”
“You’re gay for the band,” said Jon. “It’s cool. Me, too.”
Brendon looked so incredibly relieved that Spencer couldn’t even make fun. “Oh my god, really?” Brendon said in a rush. “Because you’d be my second choice, Jon. I’m seriously mostly straight, except… I mean, it’s stupid, but-”
“We’re different,” said Spencer. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it was true. It was what he’d been thinking when he’d hung up on Haley, but in words, just hanging in the air between them now. “We don’t count or something, ‘cause… It’s us.”
“Exactly,” said Jon.
“Did I miss a band memo?” Ryan demanded plaintively. “What are you talking about? And why Jon and Spencer and not me?”
“You’re in my top three,” Brendon said in a small voice, and that shut Ryan up for a second. Spencer was busy staring at Brendon, and Brendon was staring back at him. “Truth or dare,” said Brendon. His voice was way lower than usual.
Spencer almost couldn’t make his voice work, because his mouth had gone totally dry. Why was he way over on this side of the couch, when Brendon and Ryan and Jon were all over there? “Dare,” he said.
Brendon opened his mouth but he didn’t say anything, he just fidgeted. After a second, Jon reached out and grabbed Spencer’s wrist. “C’mere,” he said, and tugged. Spencer let himself be pulled until he was kneeling on the couch next to Jon, and Brendon was… Brendon was right there.
“Dare,” Brendon whispered. And then he didn’t move. Spencer leaned forward tentatively, because, Christ, what if Haley was wrong? What if Brendon was wrong? What if this fucked up the band forever, and they couldn’t be friends anymore, and Ryan didn’t get it, and Jon was totally straight, and -
His lips brushed Brendon’s, and Brendon made this funny noise, almost a moan and almost a hiccup, and his eyes fluttered shut. Jon was still holding Spencer’s arm. Spencer put his other hand on Brendon’s thigh for balance, and suddenly he was leaning into Brendon and Brendon’s mouth was open, and holy shit.
It should have been weird.
It totally wasn’t.
“Oh my god,” Ryan said. He sounded awed. “That’s… Jon. Oh my god.”
It was wrong, Spencer thought distantly, that Ryan and Jon weren’t actively involved in this. Ryan was pressed up against Brendon’s back, watching them with an open mouth and eyes the size of saucers. Jon had his free arm around Ryan’s shoulders, and Ryan was clinging to Brendon’s arm, and Brendon had one arm clutching Spencer’s shirt and the other around Jon’s neck, and it was a giant, amazing tangle.
Spencer’s mouth tasted like Brendon - coffee and sugar and music. His lips tingled a little bit when he pulled back. He was burning hot, and everywhere he was touching the rest of the band he felt like he was on fire. “Ummm,” said Spencer uncertainly. “Are we… Are we doing this?”
“Right here?” said Brendon breathlessly, wide-eyed.
“This isn’t… Someone changed the plan,” said Ryan. “When did this-”
“Always,” said Jon confidently. “This was always the plan.”
“But we-”
Someone clearly needed to reassure Ryan. “According to Haley,” said Spencer, “the girls all thought we already were anyway.”
Ryan shouldn’t have been able to look more shocked, but he managed it. “Oh my god,” he said again.
“They have a bet about us,” said Spencer wryly, and Jon burst out laughing.
“Awesome,” said Brendon. “Because I am totally not really gay, but I’ve wanted to do this for… Well, a while.” He leaned over to kiss Jon. He was less hesitant this time, and Jon’s hand open and closed convulsively around Spencer’s arm. Brendon, it turned out, kissed just as enthusiastically as he did everything else.
Spencer looked at Ryan. This was one of those times it was nice that they didn’t have to talk - Really? Ryan asked with his eyebrows, and Apparently so, Spencer shrugged, and Because we did that one time, and it was pretty great, so maybe we could again? Ryan scrunched up his nose, and Spencer laughed and leaned around Brendon to kiss Ryan, too.
It was better than it ever had been when they were fumbling teenagers, because Spencer didn’t feel at all weird about what they were doing. He had Brendon basically in his lap, trying to get as far into Jon’s mouth as he could, and Ryan’s long fingers in his hair, and Jon’s hand creeping up under his shirt, and it was just about the most perfect fucking thing the universe had ever created. Or it would be, just as soon as he got some more skin to touch.
Jon pulled back from Brendon, who made a sad little noise that made Spencer want to kiss him again. It made him want to do other things, too. “I win,” said Jon.
“You win what?” Brendon demanded.
“We had a bet,” Jon explained, and Spencer turned his head, but Ryan didn’t really stop, he kept mouthing Spencer’s jaw. It was ridiculously amazing. “About some stupid stuff. And I won.”
“You didn’t make Brendon gay,” Spencer argued. He didn’t really want to be arguing right now, he wanted to see how fast he could get everyone naked, but Jon didn’t just get to win.
“You had a bet to see who could make me gay?” Brendon demanded incredulously. Ryan switched his attention to Brendon, breathing heavily in Brendon’s ear long enough to make Brendon’s eyes go wide, and he turned his head to catch Ryan’s mouth with his. Spencer gleefully filed that away under ‘new ways to make Brendon shut up.’
Jon shifted awkwardly. It was hard to move much, because he had Ryan and Brendon making across his lap. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper “Read it and weep,” he said. “We’re gonna see the Cubs.”
“I want a foam finger,” said Brendon immediately, turning away from Ryan. And then, thoughtfully, “It’s really more like you’re all tied for first.”
Spencer unfolded the paper with his free hand. I don’t have to do shit, the paper said. You guys are all totally gay for each other anyway. Spencer read it out loud. Brendon burst out laughing. Ryan rolled his eyes.
Jon looked unbearably smug. “You suck,” said Spencer.
“Not yet,” Jon replied affably, “But I could be persuaded.” He waggled his eyebrows. Brendon giggled and hid his face in Jon’s shoulder.
“I,” said Ryan hesitantly, like he couldn’t quite believe what was happening. “I think maybe I wrote a whole album about how much I love you guys. By accident.” He reached out unconsciously, one hand hovering in the air somewhere between them.
Jon grinned and wrapped an arm around Ryan. “We figured it out,” he said. Spencer was only working it out now, but Brendon was nodding, and suddenly all the songs did make a hell of a lot more sense. Jon dragged Ryan down in to a kiss that was so epic it almost dislodged Brendon from his lap. “Win,” Jon growled, and Ryan laughed.
“Hey!” Brendon objected, leaning on Spencer. His mouth was all shiny and he had a little bit of beard-burn, and Spencer could not wait to get his mouth back on Brendon’s. “You don’t win. We all win.”
“Yeah,” Spencer echoed. “We all win.” And they did.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, and this clearly never happened. Also: NOT kid!fic.
Warnings: Oh, gosh. Boys being dumb, boys making out, jokes about ducks. Absolutely no MCR. GSF.
Note: This is a present for emilyray, who is writing something really really brilliantly funny at the moment. This doesn't live up to that at all, but I hope she enjoys it anyway. <3
Thanks to liketheroad and imntsaying for insisting I not throw the whole thing out 1,000 words into it, and for coming up with most of the laws.
9,000 words. PG-13 or so.
Summary: Er, a while back we were goofing around with the Laws of Panic at the Disco, and we came up with ten:
- The First Law of Panic is More Boypiles Always
- The Second Law is Everything Ends in Group Sex
- The Third Law of Panic is Jon Walker Makes Everything More Awesome
- The Fourth law is More Cuddles For Brendon
- The Fifth Law is Thou Shalt Not Ask About Ryan's Dad In An Interview Lest Spencer Shall Smite Thee
- The Sixth Law is Probably Because They Were High
- The Seventh Law is that the exclamation point left for PERSONAL REASONS; please respect its privacy
- The Eighth Law is Spencer is Fucking Awesome
- The Ninth Law is They Can Always Be More Ridiculous
- The Tenth Law is Thou Shalt Respect the Hoodie of Inner Pain, the Flip Flops of Frolicking, the Beard of Badassness, and the Fluttering Scarves of Deepest Artistry -- No giggling!
So I think the title should pretty much let you know where this story is going. *facepalm*
No one was surprised when Brendon came back to the bus, teary-eyed. He stomped into the back and slammed the door.
Jon and Ryan and Spencer were playing go fish because Ryan had threatened to make them all wear flowers again if he had to listen to Guitar Hero one more time. Spencer drew another card from the pile and sighed a little. He thought about getting up and going after Brendon, but it was totally going to be the same problem it always was. Brendon had absolutely the worst taste in dates. What was anyone supposed to do about that?
Jon said, “Do you have any fours?”
“Go fish,” said Ryan.
Spencer tried not to, but he could actually hear Brendon being depressed through the door. It was practically his superpower. He shuffled his cards and sighed. “This is the fourth time. We should do something.”
“Do you have any queens?” Ryan asked him.
Spencer scowled and handed him two cards. “You are suspiciously good at go fish. And don’t ignore me.”
“Maybe it’s that we’ve been playing this same stupid game since first grade,” said Ryan. “Jon, do you have any fives?”
“Go fish,” said Jon. “What are we supposed to do? He keeps dating… Well. I’m not going to say whores, because that sounds kind of bad. But uh. He’s making some bad dating decisions.”
Spencer was tired of trying to coax Brendon back in to a good mood. “It’s getting to be a problem. He needs someone steady and nice. Someone who thinks he’s funny, and wants to cuddle all the time.”
“And with a dick,” said Ryan.
Spencer and Jon stared at him for a second.
Ryan drew another card. “What?” he asked. “You were both thinking it. I just said it.”
Spencer had, in fact, been thinking along those lines, but was kind of crass to just say so like that. “I’ve never understood why he thinks he has to date women. It’s not like we’d lose our giant straight male fanbase,” he said instead. If Brendon was trying to protect the band it was sweet, but also ridiculous. Brendon was never going to be able to date anyone seriously when he spent the whole time checking out other guys. Plus, if he settled down with a nice boy maybe he’d stop trying to feel up his bandmates when he was drinking. Spencer didn’t actually object, but it was sort of odd.
Jon had that look on his face he got when he was high, and he’d just realized that ducks were like, awesome, man. “Guys,” he said.
“Do you have any aces?” Spencer asked. Jon’s thinky-face almost never boded well for them.
“Go fish,” said Ryan. “Maybe it’s because of his family? That’s still pretty touch-and-go.” Ryan was sensitive about Brendon and his family, which was sweet, since Ryan wasn’t normally a person who noticed the emotions of people around him unless they were on fire.
“Seriously, guys,” said Jon.
“Well it’s not like they’d be thrilled if they knew he was hooking up with groupies and then crying himself to sleep when they don’t turn out to be his dream girl,” Spencer pointed out.
Jon put his cards down and his hands on the table. “You guys,” he said. “Has… When did Brendon come out to you?”
Spencer looked at Ryan, and then they both looked at Jon, puzzled. “What do you mean?” said Spencer.
“Well, I joined the band late, and I just assumed you were cool with it, and he never really mentioned it to me. But… He did, right? He told you guys he was gay? Or at least, leaning that way sometimes? Right?”
Ryan rolled his eyes. “He spent half of our first rehearsal sitting in my lap,” he said. “And the other half singing showtunes. He didn’t need to.”
“The first time he got drunk he stuck his hands down my jeans,” said Spencer. “What’s your point, Jon?”
Jon bit his lip. “If he never… I mean, it’s clear that… What if Brendon doesn’t know he’s gay?”
Spencer burst out laughing. “Jon, everyone on the internet knows Brendon’s gay.”
Jon just looked at him, with his serious face on. “I’m not kidding, Spence.”
“But-”
“He never said so, right? We’re just all assuming.”
Ryan pressed his lips together, obviously annoyed. “He sits in my lap,” he repeated. “Like, all the time.” He paused. “Not that I mind,” he added, which was obvious, since he had never once dumped Brendon out of his lap in all the years they’d known him.
Spencer added, “And he gets drunk and tries to make out with me. Jon, c’mon.”
“But he always says he was just kidding,” Jon pointed out.
Spencer spluttered for a second. “I have been groped, okay, and not in a kidding way. He’s always talking about guys’ asses!”
“But he says he’s comparison shopping for jeans.”
“He loved dancing with Dusty and Katy Kay,” said Ryan.
“Right, but… He likes dancing. That’s not the same as saying he’s gay.” Jon looked really worried, and Spencer didn’t know whether to laugh or roll his eyes with Ryan. “I really think he doesn’t know.” How Jon managed to say something so ridiculous in such a reasonable tone of voice, Spencer couldn’t figure out.
Ryan held up his hands. “Your thesis is that Brendon is a total disaster at dating because he has no idea that he’s gay?” He raised an eyebrow. “Are you high? Seriously, did you get high and not share with the group?”
“I think… I mean, he knows a lot of gay people,” said Jon, still working it out. “But he’s got his whole family to deal with, and he’s pretty young, and like… What if he thinks gay is what happens to other people?”
They all stared at each other for a minute. “This is completely stupid,” Spencer announced, standing up. “You are a crazy man, Jon Walker.” He threw down his cards. “I’m gonna prove it.”
“You both forfeit, and I win,” Ryan said. “Where are you going?”
“To talk to Brendon,” said Spencer. Jon couldn’t just go around saying completely absurd things. Spencer refused to allow it.
He could feel Ryan and Jon looking at him as he banged on the door a couple of times. Ryan wasn’t the kind of person who solved band problems, because he usually didn’t notice they’d happened at all. Jon was awesome, but he was also laid back. When shit needed doing, it always fell to Spencer to do it.
He could hear Brendon sniffling even before he got a watery, “Come in.”
Spencer pushed the door open and sat down on the couch where Brendon was curled up, watching The O.C.. Spencer wasn’t as good at Brendon as he was Ryan, but he’d gotten a lot better at Brendon in the last few years. He patted Brendon’s knee a little. Brendon liked touching, particularly his bandmates. Which was kind of a sign, in Spencer’s opinion.
“You okay?” Spencer asked. Now that he was back here he couldn’t think of a good way to add, “And are you gay?”
“Everything sucks,” said Brendon.
Spencer sighed sympathetically. “What was she doing?”
“Sleeping with half the road crew,” said Brendon. “Which I guess I kind of knew. I just always pick the worst possible person. Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
Spencer winced. “No,” he said. “You’re just... Maybe you’re limiting yourself?” That was a delicate way to put it, right?
“We only meet a certain kind of girl on the road, I guess,” Brendon sighed. “If I had someone from before, like you and Jon, it’d be different.”
Brendon was being deliberately obtuse. He had to be. Or else he and Jon were playing a really elaborate practical joke. “Have you ever thought about… Um. Branching out?” Spencer asked awkwardly.
Brendon frowned. “To what, like, internet dating? I don’t think that’d be a very good idea. We get enough shit on MySpace.”
Spencer looked carefully for any sign that he was being fucked with, but Brendon just stared back, all wide-eyed and accidentally adorable. “What about,” said Spencer, floundering a little. “I mean, sometimes we go out and party and you end up uh. On me.”
Brendon grinned. It was about half the wattage of his usual smile, but a pretty decent effort. “Yeah, you’re always there to keep an eye on me, Spencer Smith. You’re awesome.”
“But. Um. I’m a guy,” said Spencer. He wished he’d never started this conversation.
“Right,” Brendon agreed. “I’m really lucky to have friends who aren’t totally uptight. You’re like the Patrick to my way-fucked-up Pete.”
They looked at each other for a minute. Spencer couldn’t think of a single other thing to say that wasn’t a blurting demand for Brendon’s orientation, and Brendon was just looking at him, waiting for him to say something. Damn Jon Walker and his ideas anyway. “Pete and Patrick,” Spencer started. “They um. They’re special friends.”
“Yeah,” said Brendon morosely. “I don’t know what Pete would have done if Ashlee wasn’t so cool about it. A guy needs a best friend.”
Spencer stared. If Brendon was serious, then - But he couldn’t be. Spencer would have noticed if, in four years, Brendon had never once… But had he? What if he genuinely thought Pete and Patrick were just joking around, and being huggy was just what bands did, and that he just hadn’t found the right girl yet? Holy shit. Had they had this conversation before and Spencer had just never listened for the girl part of it?
“It’s me, right?” Brendon sighed finally. “I totally suck and you’re too nice to say so.”
“Awww, you don’t suck,” said Spencer, and then hid a wince at his unintentional double-entendre. Or was that irony? Fuck, Ryan would have known. “C’mere.” Brendon curled up on his lap and sighed forlornly. “You just haven’t met the right person yet,” Spencer said, petting Brendon a little.
“What if I never do?” Brendon asked.
Spencer set his jaw. “We’re not going to let that happen,” he said, and started planning.
***
“You want to go where?” Ryan asked, in his most devastating monotone.
Spencer refused to be dissuaded. “I think it’s a good idea,” he said. “It like, normalizes the idea of dudes hooking up with dudes.”
“I don’t think he thinks there’s anything wrong with it,” Jon pointed out. “I think he just hasn’t thought about what he personally wants. Which, no offense, Spencer, you can’t really force him to do.”
“That’s my point!” said Spencer, annoyed. “I’m not forcing him to do anything, I’m just trying to make him think about stuff. I’m not, telling the whole world he’s gay, I’m just…”
The look Ryan was giving him was almost indescribable. A little skeptical, a little horrified, a lot do-you-even-hear-yourself-right-now? “Dude. You’re flipping out.”
“No, I’m not, and you are the least supportive person I have ever been best friends with, Jesus, Ryan.”
Jon sighed. “Let’s pretend for a minute that Spencer isn’t losing his mind.”
“Hey!”
“Your big plan is to take him to a gay bar? What would you even be doing at a gay bar? And what do you think Brendon’s going to do at a gay bar, besides, you know, giggle?”
Spencer crossed his arms sulkily. “Meet dudes. Dance with them. Get drunk and go home with someone. I don’t know.”
“The problem, though, isn’t so much that Brendon’s never heard of been gay before. It’s that he hasn’t thought of himself being gay,” Jon said.
“Duh,” said Spencer. They were both staring at him, so he threw his hands in the air. “If you two geniuses have better ideas, bring them on!”
“We can totally come up with something better than that, at least,” said Ryan.
Spencer narrowed his eyes. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Guys,” said Jon. “We don’t need to-”
“You don’t have any ideas at all, do you,” said Spencer. “Ha.”
“Shut up, I do,” Ryan said.
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Wanna bet?”
Jon sighed. “This is probably not a good idea,” he said.
Ryan turned and looked at him. “Spoken like a man who’s too lame to get in on the bet.”
There was a minute of silence. Jon was wavering, clearly; he didn’t have the kind of history of stupid betting Ryan and Spencer did. Spencer, for example, was still in the midst of kicking Ryan’s ass in a bet over who could wear the same shirt more days in a row.
“Fine,” said Jon finally. “I have way better ideas than both of you put together.”
“Ha,” said Spencer again.
“I totally already have a plan, in fact,” said Jon. “It’s a secret, though.”
“I call bullshit,” said Ryan immediately. “You can’t have a secret plan. Then if one of us wins you’ll be like ‘That was my plan all along.'”
“But it’ll only work if I don’t tell you,” said Jon. He paused. “Okay, what if I write it down now? And then when it works, I’ll show you guys.”
Spencer looked at Ryan skeptically. Ryan gave his I’m-fine-with-it-if-you-are shrug. Spencer responded with an I’m-dubious-but-willing-to-go-along shrug in return. It was nice, having known Ryan so long that they didn’t need to talk out loud anymore.
“What do I get when I win?” said Spencer, crossing his arms.
“Well, no more temper tantrums on the bus, if you do it right,” said Jon.
Ryan rolled his eyes. “I’ll let you pick what we wear,” he said. “For a month. But if I win, I get to pick.”
“You pick anyway,” Spencer grumbled, but he nodded.
“And if I win,” said Jon. Spencer almost stopped listening, because Jon wasn’t going to win. “If I’m right, we all have to go to a baseball game and be hetero-normative for a day.”
“You’re missing the entire point of this bet,” said Spencer.
Jon shook his head. “I’m really, really not,” he said.
\\\\\
Brendon was surprisingly easy to talk in to visiting a gay bar, because Spencer just didn’t mention where they were going. Brendon always sort of dressed like he was going out trolling for boys, what with the skin-tight jeans and the tiny t-shirts and the adorable hoodies, so Spencer wasn’t too worried about that. He just put on a t-shirt and a sports jacket and told Zack to wait for them in the car.
“Yeah,” said Zack, “Right. That’s gonna happen,” and followed them onto the sidewalk.
Brendon was wearing sneakers that were such a brilliant, unearthly shade of hot pink they could probably have been seen from space. “I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, Spence,” he said. “I’m okay, though. Eventually the band will break up and I’ll end up busking on the street for spare change and then I’ll totally meet a weird hippie chick and we’ll get married and live in a cardboard box and have a hundred kids.”
A couple of days earlier Spencer would have assumed that was a joke, of the ha-ha-isn’t-it-funny-to-pretend-I’m-straight variety. Now he narrowed his eyes. “You don’t even like hippies,” he said.
Brendon shrugged. He was smiling, but he looked a little bit bleak underneath it for all that. Learning Brendon’s different smiles had taken Spencer a while. “I don’t like the girls I do like, apparently,” he said. “Maybe if I try someone who’s the opposite of what I like, I’ll end up happy. Y’think?”
Spencer did, but not quite in the way Brendon was talking about. “C’mon,” said Spencer. “I’ll buy you a drink.” The nice thing about being on tour in Europe was Spencer could buy Brendon a drink and no one would look at them twice.
Well, except Spencer sort of hoped lots of people inside were going to look at Brendon at least twice. Zack crossed his arms. “Spencer,” he said. “This is-”
“Yeah,” said Spencer quickly, “I know.” He put a hand on Brendon’s back and gave him a little shove inside.
Spencer had gotten a recommendation for this place, and he knew it was a nice, low-key deal, where he wouldn’t have to worry about mostly-naked guys in leather pants trying to molest Brendon or anything. And actually it looked just like any other bar, with lots of big comfy couches and a soccer - football - match on in the background. The only giveaway, really, was the two guys making out in a back corner.
“Nice,” said Brendon. He and Spencer sat down at a table and Zack went over to the bar, where he could keep an eye on everything. Sometimes Zack got to be a little less like a bodyguard and a little more like a chaperone. Spencer felt oddly like Zack was their dad, there to make sure nothing untoward happened while they were out on a date. And it wasn’t like Spencer was planning to get under Brendon’s shirt tonight - or really, let anyone else get there, either - it was just weird having Zack watching out of the corner of his eye.
They each got a beer, and Spencer looked around the room for a likely candidate. Someone sort of cuddly, with a long attention span and infinite patience, sort of Jon Walker-esque would be best. Spencer felt a little pang that Jon had Cassie at home, and wasn’t actually sitting around pining for Brendon. That would have been ideal. In a pinch, someone Ryan-ish would also work; endless enthusiasm for how talented Brendon was, and the ability to make him laugh. And if all that failed, Spencer could always look for someone like him. Brendon seemed pretty fond of Spencer.
At any rate there was a guy sitting by the TV who had definitely checked Brendon out when they walked in. He looked young and not-awful. Spencer wasn’t looking for a soulmate here, just someone Brendon could talk to and maybe be interested in. Spencer was trying to facilitate a sexual identity crisis, not an exchange of STDs.
“Dude,” said Brendon suddenly. “Is this a gay bar?” Spencer winced and waited for Brendon to get upset, but he laughed, instead. “That’s kind of awesome. It is, right? I’m gonna take a picture and send it to Pete.” He took out his phone.
Spencer smacked it out of his hand. “Don’t do that,” he said.
Brendon couldn’t stop giggling, which meant he’d finished his first beer. “Pete will think this is hilarious! You and me in a gay bar.”
“Pete will put that picture on the internet,” said Spencer grimly. “And then the whole world will think it’s hilarious that you and I are in a gay bar.”
Brendon considered that for a second. Spencer ordered him another beer. He had a feeling alcohol helped a lot with this kind of thing. “Okay,” said Brendon. “Why are we in a gay bar?”
Spencer’s face got a little hot, but he was saved from answering because the guy he’d been eyeing earlier walking over. “Hey,” he said, and up close he was cute in that British too-pale-and-crooked-teeth way. “I’m Steven. Haven’t seen you around here before.”
“Brendon,” Brendon beamed at him. “Is that Chelsea?”
“What?” said Spencer. They didn’t know anyone on the tour named Chelsea.
“On the TV,” said Brendon, rolling his eyes. “Chelsea. Remember, I watched that whole season of Footballer’s Wives with Ryan? All I remember is Chelsea and Arsenal, though. And Tanya. She was awesome.”
Steven laughed. “It’s Chelsea,” he agreed. “And you’re American, eh? Brilliant. Can I get you another beer?”
How had Brendon finished his second so quickly? Spencer frowned. Brendon wasn’t very big, and despite his practice drinking with TAI, he usually ended up under the table singing sea chanteys. Spencer looked at Steven looking at Brendon. He decided he needed another drink, too.
“Sorry,” said Steven to Spencer. “Am I… Am I interrupting anything here?” He handed Brendon a beer and smiled.
Spencer had the weirdest urge to grab Brendon by the arm and hustle him out and back to the hotel, but that would have negated the entire point of the field trip. Spencer’s betting pride was resting on this. “Nope,” he said. “We’re just friends.”
Brendon found that unbearably hilarious and fell over on the seat. “No matter what Ryan says,” he agreed, giggling. “Spencer likes me, but he doesn’t like me.”
“I barely even like you at all,” Spencer said, rolling his eyes. Brendon accidentally kicked him.
“Excellent,” said Steven. “Maybe I could show you some more about football?”
Brendon couldn’t stop laughing. “Oh, that would be great,” he said, and grinned at Spencer, who didn’t feel like grinning at all at the moment. Which was odd - this was exactly what was supposed to be happening. Steven tugged Brendon to his feet and handed him another beer and steered him toward the television.
Spencer had two more beers watching them watch the match. Brendon got very excited about things like yellow cards and nearly toppled over, doing a victory dance when someone scored. That meant he’d probably had too many drinks already, but he hadn’t actually groped Steven or even gotten groped, so Spencer wasn’t ready to cut him off yet. Brendon was sitting halfway on Steven’s lap, though, explaining something incredibly earnestly, and Spencer decided to have another beer. Or two.
Spencer was just beginning to consider sending Zack over to pry Brendon off Steven - or Steven off Brendon, bet be damned, that guy’s hands were getting awfully friendly with their lead singer - when Brendon was abruptly and breathily right in Spencer’s ear. “Spencer!” he said. Spencer didn’t remember seeing him walk over, which was odd, and maybe a side effect of all the beer. “Spencer, do you know what I love? Football. Not American football, real football. That’s what Steven says. Real football.”
He lurched a little, because he’d had too much to drink, and Spencer tried to reach out and catch him, but his arms weren’t working quite right - possibly Spencer should have cut himself off three beers earlier - and instead he and Brendon both fell on to the booth seat, nose-to-nose.
“You’re drunk,” Spencer accused.
“I know,” Brendon giggled, and hid his face in Spencer’s neck. It tickled. “Steven says so. He says I’m a lightweight. I’m not a lightweight, though, am I? Tell him I’m not.”
“Well, get off me, then,” said Spencer, who wasn’t quite coordinated enough to move Brendon and sit up at the moment.
Brendon tried, sort of. He put a hand on Spencer’s chest and pushed himself up for a second, but when he shifted his weight he ended up kneeing Spencer way too close to the crotch. Spencer flinched, and that made Brendon fall again, knocking the breath right out of Spencer.
“You’re drunk, too,” Brendon laughed into Spencer’s chest. “I told Steven how nice you are. Why did you take me to a gay bar and get me drunk, Spencer Smith? Were you trying to tell me something?”
Spencer was totally relived that Brendon had figured it out. “Yes,” he said. “Exactly.”
Brendon pushed himself up again and looked at Spencer seriously. “It’s okay,” he said. “I love you anyway.” That was a little puzzling, but it wasn’t puzzling at all when Brendon leaned down and kissed Spencer. He was probably aiming for the cheek, but he missed and got Spencer half on the mouth instead. Spencer was just relieved Brendon wasn’t mad about the whole thing.
“Good,” said Spencer. “We love you anyway, too.”
“We?” said Brendon curiously. His face was still awfully close to Spencer’s, and Spencer was a little worried that Brendon was going to express his newfound sexual freedom by trying to kiss Spencer for real. That would have been awful.
Well. Not awful. Definitely weird, though. Because Spencer had a girlfriend and he didn’t like kissing boys. Except the one time he’d kissed a boy - Ryan, obviously - it had actually been pretty okay, but Spencer didn’t like to mention that, since it sounded kind of gay. And this wasn’t about Spencer, this was about Brendon.
Definitely too many beers.
Brendon abruptly squeaked and lifted off Spencer. Zack appeared, looming behind him. Had Zack always been so tall? “You two are done,” said Zack. He looked mad, but Spencer wasn’t sure why; the plan was working beautifully.
“Ryan owes me,” said Spencer to Zack.
Zack was holding Brendon up with one arm. “Uh huh,” he said. “Whatever you say. We’re going home.”
“But he hasn’t hooked up with anyone yet,” said Spencer. He only sort of registered Zack grabbing his arm and pulling him to his feet.
“Ryan’s not even here,” said Zack, rolling his eyes.
“No, I mean Brendon,” Spencer insisted. What if it didn’t take and they had to do this all again?
Zack snorted. “Hasn’t he?” he said, and dragged them outside to the sidewalk.
\\\
Spencer was watching Jon like a hawk, but so far Jon hadn’t done anything. Seriously, he was acting like no bet was going on at all, just sitting around playing bass absently and calling Cassie and occasionally smirking. But that was what Jon did anyway. It was infuriating, and it made Spencer more and more suspicious.
Also, Spencer had a headache, and a hazy recollection of Brendon nearly kissing him while they’d been out. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with either. The headache made him grumpier than usual, while the kiss told him that Brendon was figuring things out, but maybe not exactly the way Spencer had intended.
Brendon came back to the lounge and threw himself on the couch. It wasn’t the same kind of dramatic throwing he did when he was heartbroken over a girl, but it was definitely exasperated. “Ryan won’t stop talking,” Brendon announced.
That was different. Brendon was almost infinitely patient with Ryan babbling about whatever Ryan babbled about; Spencer was much more likely to tune him out and pretend he didn’t exist. “What’s he talking about?” Spencer asked.
“Birds, I think. I don’t know, he’s being really weird.” Brendon rolled over on his stomach and kicked his feet in the air for a minute. “You know how sometimes he talking and it’s a metaphor? But sometimes he’s talking and it’s not a metaphor? I have no idea which one that just was.”
Spencer frowned. “What about birds?” he said.
“Something about some of them living in the ocean and some of them living in ponds. And then how sometimes ducks get confused about their purpose in life.” Brendon buried his face in the couch. “Mmmmfh,” he added.
“What?”
Brendon looked up. “I said, ‘What’s that about?’ Is he going to make us all dress up again? I like wearing jeans. I really, really like wearing jeans.”
Not unless he won the bet, Spencer reflected darkly, which he wouldn’t if his strategy was to talk about birds. “I think it’s about Ryan,” said Spencer carefully. “Maybe he’s making a metaphor about himself.”
Brendon considered that for a second. “Ohhhhh,” he said. “Well that explains… Okay, cool. Man, what’s up with this band, lately?”
“Has Jon said anything to you?” Spencer asked. Jon was being sneaky, for sure, he just couldn’t figure out how.
Brendon frowned. “No. He’s been pretty normal. I mean, he told me I should smoke up with you and Ryan, but that’s just Jon being Jon.”
It was, and that made Spencer doubly suspicious. “Let me know if he starts acting weird,” he said.
“The whole band is acting weird,” Brendon said, sitting up.
Spencer decided to ignore that. “Did you call Steven?”
Brendon frowned. “Why would I call Steven?” he said. “And for that matter, why did you spend the whole time sitting in the booth frowning? You are the weirdest.”
“I wasn’t frowning,” Spencer said, wondering if he had been. He had the best of intentions, he just got a little protective of Brendon sometimes. “And I think you should call him because y’know. You guys seemed to hit it off.”
“But…” Brendon started, baffled. He threw his hands up in the air. “Why don’t you call him?”
Spencer was pretty baffled, too. “I barely talked to him,” he said.
“Which I thought was pretty strange, actually,” Brendon agreed.
They stared at each other for a minute. “What?” Spencer said finally. Clearly Brendon hadn’t actually figured out whatever Spencer had been hoping he’d figured out, and Spencer was going to need to come up with a plan B. He wasn’t that worried, because Ryan was a disaster at explaining things through metaphor, and Jon apparently wasn’t really participating. Still, though.
“I’m gonna go see if Ryan’s done talking about ducks,” said Brendon. “Let me know if you work this out.”
“Work what out?” Spencer said, but Brendon had already wandered away. Somewhere else on the bus Ryan began an enthusiastic speech about waterfowl.
\\\
They did an interview thing, and Jon acted a little suspicious. Or at least, when they went to sit down on the couch Jon sprawled a lot more than normal, so there was a lot less room than normal. “Where am I supposed to sit?” Brendon demanded, crossing his arms.
Jon shrugged. “Sit on Ryan.”
“Ryan’s pointy,” Brendon complained.
“Hey,” Ryan said. “You sit on me all the time.”
“Then sit on Spencer,” said Jon. “He’s not pointy.”
“Hey!” Spencer objected. “The dude with the beer belly doesn’t get to make fun.”
“I don’t wear skin-tight little-girl’s t-shirts,” Jon pointed out.
“Just because half our band looks like orphaned refugees-” Spencer started.
“I am not that pointy,” Ryan interrupted. “Plus, I’m wearing like, seven layers.”
“A scarf is not a cushion,” Jon said.
“Oh my god, shut up,” Brendon almost-yelled. “I can sit on both of you, seriously, watch me.” He flopped on Spencer and almost caught Ryan in the face with an elbow, but they both had a few years of practice at being targets of Brendon’s flopping, so they were prepared. “See? Everyone happy?” Brendon asked.
Jon looked amazingly smug, and Spencer wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t like it. “What?” he asked.
“Nothing,” said Jon. “Hey, I’m a Cubs fan. How do you guys feel about the Cubs?”
“You didn’t win yet,” Ryan said, glowering, and shoved Brendon’s elbow out of his face again.
“What? Seriously, is there something in the water?” Brendon asked. “What is wrong with you all?”
“Nothing,” Spencer grumped, and then they all had to stop because the interviewer walked in.
\\\\
Spencer rented Queer As Folk and made Brendon watch it with him. Made was a strong word, actually - Spencer bought a box of donuts and put it on the table in the lounge, and Brendon showed up thirty seconds later. “Watch with me?” Spencer said, and Brendon said, “Mmm, donut,” in his best Homer Simpson voice. He settled down on the couch next to Spencer, though.
“What are we watching?” Brendon asked.
“Um. Ryan says this is really good,” Spencer answered, avoiding the question, and hit play.
They watched for maybe thirty seconds before the title card came up and Brendon started giggling. “Did he?” he said. “You two are hilarious.”
“What? Why?” Spencer asked, but Brendon shushed him. He snuggled up against Spencer, which he had a tendency to do when he sat on the couch. Unless he was snuggled against Ryan or Jon, of course. Brendon wasn’t a big fan of sitting on his own.
Spencer didn’t really get the show, at first; it was just guys talking and acting all gay. And then they went to a club, and holy shit was that guy actually going down on that other guy? Spencer shifted uncomfortably. He hadn’t realized you could show that much of a person’s naked ass on television. It was a really nice ass, not that Spencer had much of an opinion on other guys’ asses. Still, the point wasn’t for Spencer to notice, it was for Brendon to, so Spencer cleared his throat. “Nice,” he said.
Brendon laughed. “What, the naked guys?”
“The… ass,” said Spencer.
“And what, exactly, do you have to compare it to?” Brendon asked. “Ryan has no ass at all.”
“You have an ass,” Spencer said.
Brendon sat up for a second. “Were you checking me out?” he asked, sounding… Well, Spencer wasn’t sure how Brendon sounded.
“No,” Spencer said. “I mean, you talk about it. I didn’t… Shut up.”
Brendon threw his arms around Spencer. “I told you at the bar, I love you anyway, Spencer Smith. You don’t have to worry.”
Spencer frowned at the tv for a second before Brendon’s words sank in and finally started making sense. “Whoa,” he said abruptly, sitting up. “Hang on. I’m not gay.” He maybe shoved Brendon over a little on the couch, because… No.
Brendon crossed his arms. “Then why did you take me to a gay bar?” he demanded. “And why are we watching Queer as Folk? And why does Ryan keep trying to come out to me? I figured you two were finally making your big gay love public.”
“What? No!” Spencer almost yelled. “I have a girlfriend, Brendon, Jesus Christ!”
“So does Ryan,” Brendon said. He sounded a little mad and a lot confused. “I thought you like… Maybe you told her or something.”
“No, you’re the one who-” Spencer started, and then stopped, because he hadn’t really planned on yelling that.
Brendon’s mouth dropped open. “Are you kidding?” he said.
“You have had a total crush on Ryan since you met him,” Spencer argued.
Brendon’s face got a little red. “What are you talking about? I like girls!”
“And Ryan.”
“You should talk.”
“Shut up!”
Brendon was looking madder and madder. “You two practically dated all through high school! You told me so! He was your first kiss, Spencer, you big fucking liar!”
“You,” said Spencer, “kissed me at the gay bar.”
Brendon’s face got redder. “I was supporting your lifestyle,” he yelled. “Way to misconstrue my good intentions!”
“No, you were misconstruing my good intentions!” Spencer yelled right back.
They stared at each other for a long second. They were both breathing hard, and Spencer was a little worried that his face was as red as Brendon’s. He was going to go to his bunk and call Haley and they were going to have a really long laugh about this. Seriously. She knew he’d kissed Ryan - one fucking time, Brendon - and she was totally cool about it.
“Hang on,” said Brendon. He turned so he was sitting - well, not quite on Spencer’s lap, and not quite straddling Spencer, and it was confusing - and looked seriously at Spencer. “You took me out and planned a movie night and stuff because you think I’m gay? That’s… Okay, that’s sort of sweet. I forgive you.”
“You forgive me?” Spencer said, mildly outraged.
“For being a jackass and not just like, asking me.” Brendon smiled. “I think you’re kind of deluded, but it’s still sweet.”
“I am not deluded,” Spencer argued. “Seriously.”
Brendon’s face was… It was really close to Spencer’s face, actually, and he was smiling his big stupid smile, and his mouth was kind of girly, which Spencer had never noticed before and never meant to notice anyway. “You are totally gay for Ryan Ross,” Brendon said confidently. “And you’re going to have to deal with that. You might also be totally gay for me, I haven’t decided yet.”
“You’re totally gay for me,” Spencer said. “And Ryan. And Jon, too, I think. You have made this band one-hundred percent gayer than it was.”
“Fuck you,” Brendon said cheerfully. He leaned in closer - any closer and he would actually be touching Spencer’s face with his face, and Spencer’s heart was racing and his stomach lurched a little bit - and said, “I think you’re wrong.”
“I…” said Spencer. His voice was weirdly breathy, maybe because Brendon’s was, too? “I’m not.”
That was when Jon walked in. If he hadn’t, Spencer thought, something else might have happened just then, and he was mildly terrified to think what. Jon looked at them, and then the TV, and then them again, and that was definitely a smirk on his face. “Hey,” said Jon. “What’s goin’ on in here?”
“Nothing,” said Spencer, and he would have shoved Brendon off his lap, but Brendon sat back and he could be weirdly unmovable for someone roughly the size of a sixth-grader.
“Spencer was telling me how he’s not at all gay for Ryan,” said Brendon.
Jon nodded like that made sense. “Okay,” he said.
“If you were gay for Ryan, you’d admit it, wouldn’t you, Jon?” Brendon went on. Spencer growled and shoved him a little.
“I,” said Jon solemnly, “am totally gay for Ryan. Always have been.”
Brendon beamed at him. “Right?” he said. “Ryan’s awesome.”
“I’m pretty gay for you and Spencer, too,” said Jon.
Spencer hated being made fun of. “Shut up,” he ordered.
“See how Jon’s totally comfortable with himself?” Brendon asked him, patting Spencer’s shoulder sympathetically.
“It’s called the Kinsey scale,” Jon agreed.
“Shut up,” Spencer repeated. “I am not-I hate all of you.” Jon in particular, who knew perfectly well what the bet was about, and was fucking around just to mess with Spencer.
“Yo, Bden, you down for ice cream?” said Jon.
Brendon scrambled off Spencer’s lap. “Always,” he said. “You’re the best, Jon.”
“I know,” said Jon, and ushered him out.
Spencer crossed his arms. He was honestly so, so pissed. Jon stuck his head back in the room. “By the way,” he said, “When I win this bet? You all have to sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game’ and sign up to put stupid messages on the score board that say ‘JWalk Rulz.’ Just so you know.”
Spencer threw a pillow at his head and missed by a mile.
\\\\
Spencer curled up in his bunk and called Haley. “Brendon’s being mean,” he said, before she’d even said hello.
“Is he?” Haley said. “That’s weird.”
“He won’t stop talking about how I’m gay for Ryan.”
There was a long pause. Spencer figured Haley was either in class or she’d just gotten out of class. Maybe she was busy. “Oh, honey,” she said finally.
“I know, right? It’s so stupid, but he keeps going on about it.”
“What do you mean?”
Spencer frowned. “I mean it’s stupid to say I’m gay for Ryan, when I have a girlfriend. You.”
“But…” Haley hesitated. “That’s never actually stopped you from being kind of gay for Ryan.”
He almost dropped the phone. “What?” Spencer squawked. Haley was supposed to be on his side. “What are you talking about?”
“I didn’t know it was supposed to be a big secret,” Haley said. “You and Ryan have always had a crush on each other. I’m surprised it took Brendon so long to notice.”
Spencer grumbled, “It’s not that he noticed, it’s that he thought we were coming out to him.”
“Why did he think that?”
Spencer didn’t want to talk about that. “What do you mean, we’ve always had crushes on each other?”
“And on Brendon.”
“What?”
“On Jon, too. Are you upset about this?”
Spencer stared at his phone in total, total betrayal. “I do not,” he protested. “I have never… We’ve been dating forever. Remember?”
“I’ve always thought it was cute. Wait, Spencer, are you just figuring this out? Because when we started dating I pretty much resigned myself to being the other woman.”
“The whole world has gone insane,” Spencer moaned. “I hate everyone.”
“Keltie calls it the Big Gay Band Bus.”
“What?” Spencer was tired of saying that.
“And Cassie’s always saying that the seven of us should just call ourselves a cult and get married in a big ceremony and go live in the cabin in the woods and wear flowers in our hair and shit.”
His girlfriend had talked to Ryan’s girlfriend about how gay they all were. Spencer didn’t know how to process that information. “So what, you wouldn’t even care if Brendon like, kissed me?” He was uncomfortable with how close that had come to happening, which sort of made it sound like Haley was right.
Haley burst in to laughter. “Are you actually telling me he hasn’t yet? Oh my god, that’s hilarious. I have to call Keltie. I am totally going to win this bet.”
“Of course he hasn’t! I’m not - Wait. What bet?”
“He’s kissed Ryan, though, right? I mean, besides on stage.”
“No! We are all straight.” Maybe he did owe Brendon an apology.
“Honey,” said Haley. She sounded a little sad. “You’re… Listen, the sex is great, okay? And I love you a lot. But if you were all any gayer I just don’t know what you’d do. You are totally in love with Ryan and Brendon and Jon, and you have been forever. I thought you knew.”
“And you date me anyway?” Spencer said. The idea that Haley knew about this, and she didn’t really seem upset was almost like… It was almost like permission to think things. Things about Ryan. Things about Brendon. Things about Jon. Things that maybe Spencer had been working really hard not to think about, and he hadn’t even realized.
“Spence, I love you and you love them. I am honestly sort of shocked that the four of you haven’t… You really haven’t ever all gotten naked and had sexytimes together? Seriously? Keltie seems pretty sure you have.”
“But wouldn’t you… Wouldn’t you care?”
Haley sighed. “The thing about you, Spencer, is that dating you means dating your band. Brendon eats all my food and Ryan uses my shower and Jon expects me to cat-sit. Plus, if you guys get your shit together about this, Cassie and I want to - Well. Um. Let’s just say that we have plans, too.”
“You… Holy shit.” Spencer had a brief, blinding flash of Haley making out with Cassie, and barely stopped himself from moaning right there. “You guys talked about that?”
“Among other things. Keltie’s pretty enthusiastic, too. If you guys work this out there’s… There’s some stuff we’d like to watch.”
Spencer was in serious danger of embarrassing himself because he hadn’t even drawn the curtain shut on his bunk, and if Haley didn’t stop that he was going to come in his jeans. “I… I have to go,” he said, in a strangled voice.
“Good luck,” said Haley cheerfully. “Keep me up to date. I have a spa weekend riding on this bet.”
“I love you,” said Spencer fervently.
“I know,” said Haley, and hung up.
\\\
They were watching a movie on the couch in the lounge, but things were… Different. Spencer had the end of the couch all to himself. When Ryan had tried to sit down next to him Spencer’s heart leapt in to his throat. Brendon gave him an arch look, so Spencer kicked at Ryan and said, “Get your own cushion.”
Ryan made an elaborately startled face and said, “Fine, I’ll sit with Jon.”
“Do you want me to sit with Jon, too?” Brendon asked, in a voice that clearly said he was laughing at Spencer.
“Maybe,” Spencer grumped. It was an honest answer; he wasn’t sure if he wanted them all to sit on him or not. Normally it was fine, but tonight… He couldn’t stop thinking about what Haley had said. Was it possible that Brendon wasn’t the most oblivious person in the band? Were they all totally gay about each other?
“Riiiiight,” Brendon drawled, rolling his eyes, and flopped on Jon Walker. Ryan snuggled up on Jon’s other side, as much as someone made entirely of elbows could snuggle.
“You’re missing out,” said Jon, in his smuggest voice.
“Shut up,” said Spencer, pulling his knees up. He didn’t feel left out. That would have been stupid. But… They did normally sit all over each other. Ryan was already leaning on Jon, and Jon had a hand in Brendon’s hair, and Brendon was sprawled across both of their laps. And that was just… It was just normal. What the hell.
“What are we watching, Jon Walker?” Brendon asked.
“Angels in the Outfield,” said Jon. Spencer wanted to punch him.
Spencer didn’t mind sitting alone, seriously, except the other three looked totally comfortable, and Spencer had gotten sort of used to being the person Ryan liked to snuggle with, and Brendon wanted to sit on, and he liked leaning on Jon.
“Truth or dare,” said Jon suddenly.
“What?” Brendon perked up immediately. “Are we playing? Truth!”
Jon grinned. “Okay,” he said. “If you had to kiss any guy in the whole world, who would it be?”
There was a pause, during which Spencer almost grumped that Jon was a fucking cheater. And also wished he’d thought of that particular tactic a week ago. “Spencer,” said Brendon finally, biting his lip. And then, “No offense.”
“Why would we be offended by that?” Ryan asked.
Spencer’s heart pounded in his ears. “What?” he said, but it didn’t have any of the angry force it should have. “You’re the one who was yelling at me about how you’re straight.”
“Whoa,” said Ryan. “When did this happen?” He looked suspiciously at Jon and then at Spencer.
Brendon fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt. “I like girls,” he said. “I like dating girls. But I was thinking about you, and Ryan, and coming out, and it was like… I just…”
“You’re gay for the band,” said Jon. “It’s cool. Me, too.”
Brendon looked so incredibly relieved that Spencer couldn’t even make fun. “Oh my god, really?” Brendon said in a rush. “Because you’d be my second choice, Jon. I’m seriously mostly straight, except… I mean, it’s stupid, but-”
“We’re different,” said Spencer. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it was true. It was what he’d been thinking when he’d hung up on Haley, but in words, just hanging in the air between them now. “We don’t count or something, ‘cause… It’s us.”
“Exactly,” said Jon.
“Did I miss a band memo?” Ryan demanded plaintively. “What are you talking about? And why Jon and Spencer and not me?”
“You’re in my top three,” Brendon said in a small voice, and that shut Ryan up for a second. Spencer was busy staring at Brendon, and Brendon was staring back at him. “Truth or dare,” said Brendon. His voice was way lower than usual.
Spencer almost couldn’t make his voice work, because his mouth had gone totally dry. Why was he way over on this side of the couch, when Brendon and Ryan and Jon were all over there? “Dare,” he said.
Brendon opened his mouth but he didn’t say anything, he just fidgeted. After a second, Jon reached out and grabbed Spencer’s wrist. “C’mere,” he said, and tugged. Spencer let himself be pulled until he was kneeling on the couch next to Jon, and Brendon was… Brendon was right there.
“Dare,” Brendon whispered. And then he didn’t move. Spencer leaned forward tentatively, because, Christ, what if Haley was wrong? What if Brendon was wrong? What if this fucked up the band forever, and they couldn’t be friends anymore, and Ryan didn’t get it, and Jon was totally straight, and -
His lips brushed Brendon’s, and Brendon made this funny noise, almost a moan and almost a hiccup, and his eyes fluttered shut. Jon was still holding Spencer’s arm. Spencer put his other hand on Brendon’s thigh for balance, and suddenly he was leaning into Brendon and Brendon’s mouth was open, and holy shit.
It should have been weird.
It totally wasn’t.
“Oh my god,” Ryan said. He sounded awed. “That’s… Jon. Oh my god.”
It was wrong, Spencer thought distantly, that Ryan and Jon weren’t actively involved in this. Ryan was pressed up against Brendon’s back, watching them with an open mouth and eyes the size of saucers. Jon had his free arm around Ryan’s shoulders, and Ryan was clinging to Brendon’s arm, and Brendon had one arm clutching Spencer’s shirt and the other around Jon’s neck, and it was a giant, amazing tangle.
Spencer’s mouth tasted like Brendon - coffee and sugar and music. His lips tingled a little bit when he pulled back. He was burning hot, and everywhere he was touching the rest of the band he felt like he was on fire. “Ummm,” said Spencer uncertainly. “Are we… Are we doing this?”
“Right here?” said Brendon breathlessly, wide-eyed.
“This isn’t… Someone changed the plan,” said Ryan. “When did this-”
“Always,” said Jon confidently. “This was always the plan.”
“But we-”
Someone clearly needed to reassure Ryan. “According to Haley,” said Spencer, “the girls all thought we already were anyway.”
Ryan shouldn’t have been able to look more shocked, but he managed it. “Oh my god,” he said again.
“They have a bet about us,” said Spencer wryly, and Jon burst out laughing.
“Awesome,” said Brendon. “Because I am totally not really gay, but I’ve wanted to do this for… Well, a while.” He leaned over to kiss Jon. He was less hesitant this time, and Jon’s hand open and closed convulsively around Spencer’s arm. Brendon, it turned out, kissed just as enthusiastically as he did everything else.
Spencer looked at Ryan. This was one of those times it was nice that they didn’t have to talk - Really? Ryan asked with his eyebrows, and Apparently so, Spencer shrugged, and Because we did that one time, and it was pretty great, so maybe we could again? Ryan scrunched up his nose, and Spencer laughed and leaned around Brendon to kiss Ryan, too.
It was better than it ever had been when they were fumbling teenagers, because Spencer didn’t feel at all weird about what they were doing. He had Brendon basically in his lap, trying to get as far into Jon’s mouth as he could, and Ryan’s long fingers in his hair, and Jon’s hand creeping up under his shirt, and it was just about the most perfect fucking thing the universe had ever created. Or it would be, just as soon as he got some more skin to touch.
Jon pulled back from Brendon, who made a sad little noise that made Spencer want to kiss him again. It made him want to do other things, too. “I win,” said Jon.
“You win what?” Brendon demanded.
“We had a bet,” Jon explained, and Spencer turned his head, but Ryan didn’t really stop, he kept mouthing Spencer’s jaw. It was ridiculously amazing. “About some stupid stuff. And I won.”
“You didn’t make Brendon gay,” Spencer argued. He didn’t really want to be arguing right now, he wanted to see how fast he could get everyone naked, but Jon didn’t just get to win.
“You had a bet to see who could make me gay?” Brendon demanded incredulously. Ryan switched his attention to Brendon, breathing heavily in Brendon’s ear long enough to make Brendon’s eyes go wide, and he turned his head to catch Ryan’s mouth with his. Spencer gleefully filed that away under ‘new ways to make Brendon shut up.’
Jon shifted awkwardly. It was hard to move much, because he had Ryan and Brendon making across his lap. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper “Read it and weep,” he said. “We’re gonna see the Cubs.”
“I want a foam finger,” said Brendon immediately, turning away from Ryan. And then, thoughtfully, “It’s really more like you’re all tied for first.”
Spencer unfolded the paper with his free hand. I don’t have to do shit, the paper said. You guys are all totally gay for each other anyway. Spencer read it out loud. Brendon burst out laughing. Ryan rolled his eyes.
Jon looked unbearably smug. “You suck,” said Spencer.
“Not yet,” Jon replied affably, “But I could be persuaded.” He waggled his eyebrows. Brendon giggled and hid his face in Jon’s shoulder.
“I,” said Ryan hesitantly, like he couldn’t quite believe what was happening. “I think maybe I wrote a whole album about how much I love you guys. By accident.” He reached out unconsciously, one hand hovering in the air somewhere between them.
Jon grinned and wrapped an arm around Ryan. “We figured it out,” he said. Spencer was only working it out now, but Brendon was nodding, and suddenly all the songs did make a hell of a lot more sense. Jon dragged Ryan down in to a kiss that was so epic it almost dislodged Brendon from his lap. “Win,” Jon growled, and Ryan laughed.
“Hey!” Brendon objected, leaning on Spencer. His mouth was all shiny and he had a little bit of beard-burn, and Spencer could not wait to get his mouth back on Brendon’s. “You don’t win. We all win.”
“Yeah,” Spencer echoed. “We all win.” And they did.