The More Things Change: Chapter Eleven
Title: The More Things Change
Rating: T
Summary: “Hours later Callie felt her best friend slip away silently into the cold and inexorable night while they were all still trapped amidst the wilderness. She held onto him, tighter now; somewhere a slight distance away Kepner was being mauled by the sinister gifts of the wild.” In a world where Arizona wasn't in Seattle when the plane crashed. Three years & PTSD, can she get Callie back?
Author: Pasha
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to SR and ABC. I make not profit. No copyright infringement intended.
Canon Till: 7 x 07
Pairing: C/A
Eleven
Love in the Time of Rebecca Black
A/N: Thoughts, sarcastic comments, Calliesque word jumbles are in 'single quotes.'
Dreams and Flashbacks (& sometimes tonal emphasis in narrative and dialogue) are in Italics.
Some spellings may differ on account of me being Indian and growing up with the Queen's English.
All mistakes on this one are mine.
I personally hate this chapter… I think my writing here is weak…
Read, Review and Enjoy! - No reviews = Boredom, which makes me blah about writing, so reviews please!?
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"So?" - She said panting as she let go of her entire body. Every bone, muscle, nerve and sinewy part of her body felt hot and flushed, buzzing with the rush of being alive. They were both sweating as the brunette smiled above her.
Callie inhaled deeply, a smile plastered on her face. Of late she'd be rewarded for whatever reason with these moments of peace that forced her into a happy sort of blankness. It was this place where everyone stood right before they had to think to form a thought or an opinion; a moment without a motive. Something that just was, till it wasn't; really, it was like everything else if she thought about it. But, the beauty of it was that she didn't have to.
"Yeah?" - She huffed as she bent down with her hands at her sides.
"You do this…" - Arizona panted again as she lay sprawled on the grass - "almost every day?!"
"Mhm" - the brunette replied as she sat on her knees. It seemed like the thing to do - "You are soooo out of shape, Arizona" - she poked the blonde in the side as she keeled over, falling on her back with the sky above her, putting her arm under her head.
They had been meeting one another, sometimes for just a measly fifteen minutes in a day, just to say hello. On other days it was longer; dinner outside or a small lunch on their breaks overlooking the park. Arizona didn't know it yet, but this was the first time Callie had invited her, really invited her into something that was almost a ritual to the brunette. The morning run helped her cope; it actually kept the possibility of sinking into a depression at bay.
But, most of all, it gave her these days where everything at least just looked perfect. The sunlight swam around in the breeze and stuck to her skin, and her hair fell out of her ponytail in long wisps and tickled her ears. But, this was also something she'd done with Mark, granted with him there was a lot of pushing and shoving, and laughing and they'd rate the wares the park offered up every morning. So it was both really; the fact that all this could just stop one day, just fall away without a warning, and the fact that till it didn't, it was there for the taking. Life and death were banging and echoing together under the smiling sun.
They both lay there a while, silently as heavy panting turned into smooth and relaxed breathing. Callie turned on her side and looked at the dishevelled blonde who lay on her back. Arizona's bright red face had cooled down to just that light pink that made her look like the most happy, sleepy, beautiful person ever.
Callie sighed as she drank her in. It was a moment of in between-ness for her. They'd been doing this for almost two months now, and Arizona had been respectful and platonic. She's never pushed Callie, and mostly the blonde did a lot of the talking. Sometimes Callie would surprise them both by daring to dig beneath the available and tacit surface to that deeper self that was ephemeral and shifting and hard to describe.
Today, after months and months of therapy, and talking and trying to just barely manage things of her own, the brunette suddenly felt ready. She felt at home; she had a nagging feeling that it wouldn't last, that she couldn't trust it to last. But, while it was there she decided to put it to good use.
Her hand as if possessed made its way past Arizona's cheek and she gently shifted a short and billowy lock stuck to the sweat on her face. The touch stirred the blonde as her eyes shot open, she hadn't even looked at the brunette, and Callie could read the faint and fast questions, and surprise making their way into them.
As the brunette tucked the hair behind her ear, Arizona turned just her face towards the other woman with a dazzling smile plastered on it. She may not know what exactly was going on with Callie, but she could tell that things were changing… Callie was changing and things between them were changing into something stronger, something better than before she left…
This love she felt for Callie, now, right at this instance, was a different kind of love. When she'd landed in Seattle after wrapping Malawi up, all she wanted was to get Callie back. She thought that was the key to both their happiness. But, now it was different. This was different. She could be happy for Callie, even if the brunette finally chose not to be with her; it would kill her, but she'd still be happy.
"What?" - Arizona laughed quietly.
"I think" - Callie sighed as she spoke again - "I think I'm ready to talk now…"
"Callie" - the blonde's smile broadened - "we have been talking" - now she too had turned on her side as she supported her weight on an elbow. They were face to face.
"I know" - the brunette nodded - "but… I want to tell you… more."
"Yeah?" - Arizona asked, suddenly feeling like a charged grenade had gone off in the pit of her stomach.
"Yes" - Came the brunette's serious reply - "I want to… I'm… I'm ready" - she nodded.
"That's" - Arizona swallowed, trying to contain herself - "that's a good thing right?"
Callie, for the first time in a long time gave her a complete, free and unadulterated Calliope Torres patented house of crazy happy joy smile - "yeah!" - She laughed; her eyes glistened but the rest of her felt freer and lighter. She knew; they both knew that they still had a long way to go, but this was something good, something to look forward to.
"Yeah" - she repeated - "it's great! It's brilliant!"
They both kept smiling at one another and Arizona moved her hand from the grass to place it over Callie's.
The brunette's smile faltered a little as she looked at their hands, but Arizona wasn't deterred, and Callie didn't move away either. But, it somewhat broke the spell.
Callie looked up - "but I don't know how much I'll be able to" -
- "You could sing the lyrics to Friday and I'll sit there and listen to you!"
"Okay!" - Callie jumped up sprightly - "enough of that!" - She gave the blonde her hand - "come on? Let's go!"
"Whaaaaat?!" - The blonde whined all the while taking Callie's proffered hand and pulling herself up - "look!" - She pointed over to a drier patch - "that guy's selling waffles! Com'on!" - She jocularly punched the brunette in the arm - "let's go stuff ourselves?!" - She asked with a pleading smile.
"One? Owww! What wet noodle hits like that?" - Callie asked, surprised with the amount of force the blonde's punch packed - "And two? No. I just ran so much so that I could drink! Not stuff my face with whip cream and processed sugar!"
"Fine" - Arizona pouted for good measure.
"So?" - Callie asked as the two of them fooled themselves by 'stretching', knowing full well they were going to be eating waffles in the next ten minutes.
"Hm?"
"What did you mean by lyrics to Friday?" - Callie asked without a hint of humour in her voice.
"Oh. My. Good!" - The blonde looked at her gob-smacked.
"What?" - Callie stopped, Arizona's impression of a goldfish drawing her attention.
The blonde took out her earphones and gave Callie one, putting the other in her ear, she dexterously put the song in question on her ipod.
Callie put the ear piece in, her face burning with attentive curiosity, as the two of them began walking again - side by side at a leisurely pace.
Arizona kept looking at Callie's face for that moment in the song that would have Callie want to slaughter a village or whatever other madness that would come of it. The blonde was leading them, but Callie gave her a slight tug, turning them in the direction of the waffle guy.
"Arizona!" - 'And there it was!' Callie yanked the earphone out of her ear as if it'd burned her - "Why in the world would you have this song on your ipod!?"
"A kid gave it to me!" - The blonde defended, knowing it wasn't much of defence at all.
"Okay?! But, why have me listen to it!?" - Callie asked, equally amused and infuriated.
"Just proving a point!"
"What point could a song like that possibly prove?!"
"That you could sing Friday to me and I'd still stick around…"
The brunette gave Arizona a smile that made her uneasy. Callie leaped forward and turned face to face with the other woman, jogging backwards - "Is that a challenge, Robbins?" - She asked with a quirked eyebrow.
'Fuck! Callie looked like sex incarnate right now!'
"It is what it is…" - Arizona said feigning confidence with a nonchalant shrug.
"Friday… Friday…" - Callie began, but then some old lady's tiny dog began yacking at her - "oh damn!" - Callie stopped abruptly.
"Dog's got good taste!" - Arizona laughed.
"Whatever!" - Callie looked at her, feeling more than just a little embarrassed - "I don't even know the lyrics!"
"Trust me Callie…"- The blonde doubled over with laughter - "that is a good thing."
"Yeah… yeah…" - the brunette gave her a mock glare - "let's just get you stuffed, okay?"
"Sure…" - said Arizona as the brunette turned, joining her on her side yet again - "lead the way!"
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They sat on a bench together, side by side, enjoying their breakfast in silence. This bench was situated over a picaresque rolling hill, a little higher and farther ways away from the walk way.
Callie looked at the blonde; she was biting into her food with single minded focus and determination. The brunette felt a deep and abiding affection for Arizona that she didn't quite know where to place or what to do with anymore. It made her feel odd and awkward sometimes, but other times, like right now? It would all become devastatingly simple… she was in love, and that was the beginning and end of all her problems. Because, even though it was getting easier… it wasn't entirely so… and she wasn't ready, by any stretch of her imagination to do that! But now? Now she could at least entertain the idea of not being so… so alone.
She smiled to herself, a small private smile, as she leant her head on her fisted hand, resting her elbow atop the backrest. She had silently decided that it was, in fact, time to let someone in; someone who she paid in waffles and her company, instead of her friendly neighbourhood mental health specialist.
"Ahem" - Callie cleared her throat. 'A well respected and classic prelude to any serious conversation.'
Arizona turned towards her with an unassuming smile on her face - 'success!' thought the brunette.
"What's up?" - She stopped to wipe her corner of her mouth, 'whip cream just gets everywhere.'
"I'm…uh…I'm going to talk now."
"Okay" - Arizona looked at her with rapt attention.
"Annnnd…" - Callie scrunched down breaking eye contact between them as she rubbed her thighs; nervous energy coiled in her stomach - "I'm going to do that right now" - she nodded to herself.
"Mhm…" - Arizona nodded and mimicked the brunette's position. She bumped her shoulder and without pretence or any agenda wrapped their arms together as she took Callie's hand in hers. This she had earned. They'd been more open with their affection, and even though they had talked about Arizona's time in Africa with interest and no animosity, the blonde had realised that mostly she'd be the one carrying the weight of the conversation. It wasn't tedious; it was just a little new… But the brunette did surprise her on some days when they'd have their old rhythm down; it was near flirting, and just very comfortable. This seemed to be one of those days and holding Callie's hand just seemed like the thing to do.
The brunette gave a nervous chuckle - "any minute now… 'M going to be talking… words are going to just… just pour out and make sense! So much sense that you'll be confused!" - She scrunched up her face realising just what it was she had been saying.
"I'm sorry" - she huffed - "Arizona, this is…it's hard…talking about the crash is tough…" -
- "Then talk about something else that's tough" - the blonde suggested as she genially tugged Callie playfully - "but, you know? Not as tough, and you can…" - she nodded like she'd had a brilliant idea - "you can build up to feeling comfortable with the crash thing… Does that…I don't know? Does that make sense?" - She asked, her voice tapering off, heavy with scepticism and doubt. Was she pushing Callie too, much too soon?
Callie looked up at her sideways, a thin smile on her face - "yeah" - she gave a tiny whimper - "I think I want to get some of the stuff out of the way?" - A sudden nervousness crept into her voice and on to her features.
"Okay?" - Arizona gave her an encouraging but nervous smile as well, nodding in encouragement - "so? Do!"
"Right!" - The brunette gave a sardonic chuckle - "too much foreplay?"
"Callie" - the blonde sighed, desperately trying to hide her exasperation - "if you don't want to" -
- "No… no…I do. Just that…I feel all this nervous energy all of a sudden…" - their eyes went to her restlessly bouncing leg - "huh…" -the brunette scoffed at herself as she began standing up - "you mind if we do this walking around?"
"Not at all" - Arizona sprang up, and as they began walking side by side, she twisted the corner of Callie's running jacket between her fingers. The blonde held on, almost as if she were stealing herself away and maintaining a connection to Callie, all at once.
"Mark had a really small funereal…we were all still raw" - she scoffed - "really raw from it, and I was about to start on working on how to get Shepherd his hand back… so… he had a small funereal."
The almost dead silence that grew between them after just that; not really a confession of any kind, just something - a tabulation and conclusion of a middle aged man whose only religion was mirth, youthful indiscretions without youth as an excuse and his own brand of devotion to his friends. But, it was so much more than Callie had given her in the last two months. Mark was a touchy subject. As the silence continued, it seemed more and more out of place in the middle of a cheerful and sunny Seattle morning.
"That's the night that you got blind drunk, right?"
"Ummm… yes" - Callie nodded, throwing a thin lipped smile her way. The blonde's attempt at making light did not go unnoticed by her, but fail, it did.
"But, we had like a memorial for him" - the brunette continued - "a few months later; for Kepner too."
Arizona wanted to say something… anything, but the only things that came to mind sounded trite and condescending in her head. Whatever would she say - 'that sounds nice? You were a good friend to him?' The truth of it was that she was never too close to Mark, and you couldn't pay her a million dollars to make her say it out loud, but 'on most days she saw how Callie laughed around him, and she'd caught him looking at her a certain way. It wasn't cheap, or crass, although he did that too… but sometimes it was something you could call longing; but then she thought that everyone from the bag boy at Big Buy to the his mother was looking at her ex. She…she resented him; not hate, not dislike… it was quite simply resentment. She didn't bear him any ill will, and certainly not this, and to see Callie all broken up over it, over him… seeing her like that was a different kind of torture. She felt the hurt…Callie's hurt, but it was like she was a trespasser of sorts, she couldn't claim it for herself. She would only take what Callie would let her, and keep the rest locked away… that was her job now.'
"Anyway" - the brunette's sigh pulled Arizona out of her thoughts - "that's the day it started…with…with Karev…" - Callie stopped walking once she realised the blonde was no longer next to her.
A quiet and confused - "what?!" - prompted the brunette to turn back and face the other woman.
"Callie?" - She scoffed in disbelief - "what started?! Are you saying what I think you're saying?!" - The blonde's heart was pounding in her ears, and she felt her stomach lurch a little. She'd known that 'Callie and Alex had had a thing eons ago, but that was before! Before he was her protégé and kind of like a nearly senile wounded dog she had nursed to health, except for the crankiness which was just permanent…'
She could see the colour rise on the brunette's face - "you said… you promised me! You said you wouldn't judge!"
Callie was tense and her muscles - taut, she looked like she was just about ready to take off like a shot.
"Woah!" - Arizona put up her hands. She was wearing an expression of incredulity - "hey! I am not judging… I'm… I'm processing!"
"Yeah, right!" - The brunette scoffed as she began to walk off. The blonde immediately took a hold of her shoulders and put herself in Callie's way.
"Hey! No! Okay? No way!" - She shook her with urgency - "You do not get to do that! Look at me!" - The tension between them slowly ebbed as the brunette gave into Arizona's request and looked into her eyes.
"Calliope, you just told me… just now… that…that you slept with my student…so be fair, okay? - Her voice had a gentleness it that gave Callie pause - "You want to talk about this" -
- "I'm not sure I do, Arizo" -
- "Yeah you do!" - The blonde insisted as she joined Callie on her side and urged her to start their meandering again - "you wouldn't have mentioned it if you didn't" - silence, then a sigh - "you know you wouldn't have, Callie…"
"Okay" - the brunette answered with a nod, and continued -"it was a couple of times…" -
Arizona kept from whimpering and groaning her displeasure at this whole ordeal… 'Callie and Alex, or Callie with anyone else and the involvement of… of… intercourse', she though begrudgingly, 'was just every bit as harrowing as she had imagined. It was the stuff of nightmares.'
"…and it was… the first time was just… it wasn't all the way, but then I guess…I guess he felt comfortable with me" - the brunette shrugged her shoulders, waiting for the blonde to say something… anything.
"What?! He couldn't find anyone else, any other person on the planet to get comfortable with?!" - It was much more acerbic than she'd wanted to let on, but it was how she felt.
"Alright! Let's get one thing straight?!" - It wasn't as harsh as it was matter of fact, which was what was so devastating about it - "I'm not… I don't answer to you. I haven't in a very, very long time. So don't get prissy with me! I thought this is what you wanted, you were begging me to" -
- "It is what I want!" - Arizona countered - "but I'm still in… I still have… I care about you, okay?" - She finished lamely - "I care about you, deeply, and in a way that makes me want to…to…" -
- "Never let me have sex with anyone else?!" - Callie smirked, but it was plain she was baiting Arizona…challenging her.
The blonde sighed - "something like that."
Callie broke the short silence that followed - "Arizona? What do you know about Alex? I mean, how much do you know about what's happened with him after the crash?"
"Ummm…just that he left about four months ago and I took his slot… We haven't kept in touch, so…"
"Oh…" - Callie sounded surprised - "he was dating someone… a blonde, I forget her name… I think it was Lucy something… They'd been living together, it was serious."
"Alex? Karev? Alex Karev was…" -
- "Yup" - The brunette replied - "but after the crash, she had to… it was really ugly" - she waved around, hoping to find a sensitive way to say the rest - "I was catatonic" - she whispered it like it was some secret shame - "and Alex… his leg… later when I saw his case, I knew they couldn't have done a thing for him… nothing."
"Callie…" - she whispered, dread creeping into her voice - "what are you trying to say to me?"
"It was… thank God it was a below the knee amputation. Lucy… she had to take the call…" -
- "That's just… what about his family?" - The blonde asked disbelievingly.
"There wasn't any time, and you remember him having any reliable family really?" - A little girl running by crashed into the brunette; her mother a few steps behind was immediately ordering her to apologise.
Callie let out an "uff" but made a quick recovery. She watched the little girl lisp out a "sorry lady", and the smile on Callie's face as she watched the kid was unlike any other. Arizona felt an immediate and intense pang from just watching the scene unfold. She couldn't really tell what it was she was feeling, except that she was afraid of what she'd come up with if she even tried to understand it.
"Right!" - Said the brunette as she smiled, watching the little girl trot away - "anyway. He cut her out of his life like you wouldn't believe! She was… chick was weak, or…" - she sighed - "I don't know! Who am I to judge, right?!" - She shrugged.
"Mhm" - the blonde agreed, nodding.
"So she left, and I helped him out, and down the line… one thing led to another and we… and then he just left…" -
- "What do you mean 'he just left'?!"
"I mean… he just left… called me over for a nightcap… told me about leaving, gave me a cheque for the hospital, thanked me, hugged me, and left."
"Okay…" - Arizona nodded - "that isn't so bad…" -
- "Ahem!" - The brunette cleared her throat; the silent conversationalist's threat was immediately heeded.
- Right! Yeah, I mean… that's not anything… You leaned on each-other" - Callie quirked an eyebrow - "right! Bad choice of voice, considering…" -
- "You're freaking out… You said you wouldn't freak out…" - the brunette said with an annoying sing song lilt.
"No… absolutely… I'll stop now… I can't believe this happened with Alex and… and no one thought to call me" - she said, thinking aloud - "I mean, he wasn't just my student you know?! He was… he was the next me and my friend…" -
- "Yeah well" - Callie cut her off with a short, bitter laugh - "I used to be a lot more than that, and you didn't" -
- "Callie…" - Arizona sighed, her tone pleading. They had talked about this; endlessly talked about it. The brunette kept saying she was over it, but they both knew better. Though dissipating, some days Callie's anger and bitterness would get the best of her. The blonde couldn't be sorrier, but somewhere Arizona knew that a part of her stood by her decision. She couldn't have done anything for Callie at that point. This was their pattern, the vicious cycle of misunderstandings and miss-communiqué that they would have to fight to break together, if they had even a shadow of a chance.
"Yeah" - the brunette sighed - "I know… I'm sorry" - she gave Arizona a tiny smile - "I'm working on it."
"Okay" - suddenly something struck Arizona - "so, wait a sec though! You don't… I mean you don't, and you shouldn't" - the blonde looked queasy for a second, almost like she'd swallowed her own tongue - "feel guilty about sleeping…" - she flailed her arms about her - "the Alex thing." - She said flatly - "So then why are you…" - it was then that the realisation hit her like a two tonne truck - "you blame yourself for not being able to fix his leg?!" - She asked completely outraged, 'someone had to be!'
The brunette looked away - "not entirely, but if I hadn't" -
- "If you hadn't what Callie?!" - Arizona cut her off - "been in the fucking plane crash!? That's…that's just" -
- "Crazy! I know! Believe me, I know… but it's" - she sighed, running her hands through her hair, tugging at the base of it - "…it's how I feel… not all the time… but sometimes."
The blonde nodded - "I guess…" - she was oscillating between confusion an understanding till - "no… 'M sorry I don't think I could get it… I mean… 'm learning really fast that, probably the only way I'd know how you feel is if I was on that plane with" -
- "There are a lot of things I wanted you around for, Arizona…" - Callie sounded almost infuriated as she cut the blonde off- "but, that day? On the plane? I remember thinking, 'I'm glad Arizona walked away…'" -
- "Callie, I…" -
- "Don't" - She heaved a sigh - "let's just… let that be, leave it there, okay?"
Arizona nodded her consent.
Callie lightly placed a hand on the other woman's arm effectively stopping Arizona in her tracks - "I think" - sighed the brunette - "I'm all talked out."
"Oh" - Arizona looked at her, feeling a little disappointed - "okay. Yes." - She nodded tentatively - "so? What do you want to do next?"
"I think I want to run some more" - the brunette replied.
"Callie, I don't think I can run anymore, we could" -
- "Alone, Arizona" - Callie supplied - "I want to run alone" - she said with a definitive edge.
"Oh" - Arizona wrestled with herself as she kept her mouth from spewing a million questions, all a mile a minute - "okay…" - and before she could finish her next thought Callie took off.
Arizona stood there in her dust, bewildered, ecstatic and more than that, she was completely out of her depth.
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A/N: Brace yourself people, another chapter and then Boswell enters the fray. Emotional thunderdome, but muted… Anyway, let me know how you liked this, or if you didn't. But, keep the faith...
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My Song of the Day - Mirror Mirror by Dr. Dog
Rating: T
Summary: “Hours later Callie felt her best friend slip away silently into the cold and inexorable night while they were all still trapped amidst the wilderness. She held onto him, tighter now; somewhere a slight distance away Kepner was being mauled by the sinister gifts of the wild.” In a world where Arizona wasn't in Seattle when the plane crashed. Three years & PTSD, can she get Callie back?
Author: Pasha
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to SR and ABC. I make not profit. No copyright infringement intended.
Canon Till: 7 x 07
Pairing: C/A
Eleven
Love in the Time of Rebecca Black
A/N: Thoughts, sarcastic comments, Calliesque word jumbles are in 'single quotes.'
Dreams and Flashbacks (& sometimes tonal emphasis in narrative and dialogue) are in Italics.
Some spellings may differ on account of me being Indian and growing up with the Queen's English.
All mistakes on this one are mine.
I personally hate this chapter… I think my writing here is weak…
Read, Review and Enjoy! - No reviews = Boredom, which makes me blah about writing, so reviews please!?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"So?" - She said panting as she let go of her entire body. Every bone, muscle, nerve and sinewy part of her body felt hot and flushed, buzzing with the rush of being alive. They were both sweating as the brunette smiled above her.
Callie inhaled deeply, a smile plastered on her face. Of late she'd be rewarded for whatever reason with these moments of peace that forced her into a happy sort of blankness. It was this place where everyone stood right before they had to think to form a thought or an opinion; a moment without a motive. Something that just was, till it wasn't; really, it was like everything else if she thought about it. But, the beauty of it was that she didn't have to.
"Yeah?" - She huffed as she bent down with her hands at her sides.
"You do this…" - Arizona panted again as she lay sprawled on the grass - "almost every day?!"
"Mhm" - the brunette replied as she sat on her knees. It seemed like the thing to do - "You are soooo out of shape, Arizona" - she poked the blonde in the side as she keeled over, falling on her back with the sky above her, putting her arm under her head.
They had been meeting one another, sometimes for just a measly fifteen minutes in a day, just to say hello. On other days it was longer; dinner outside or a small lunch on their breaks overlooking the park. Arizona didn't know it yet, but this was the first time Callie had invited her, really invited her into something that was almost a ritual to the brunette. The morning run helped her cope; it actually kept the possibility of sinking into a depression at bay.
But, most of all, it gave her these days where everything at least just looked perfect. The sunlight swam around in the breeze and stuck to her skin, and her hair fell out of her ponytail in long wisps and tickled her ears. But, this was also something she'd done with Mark, granted with him there was a lot of pushing and shoving, and laughing and they'd rate the wares the park offered up every morning. So it was both really; the fact that all this could just stop one day, just fall away without a warning, and the fact that till it didn't, it was there for the taking. Life and death were banging and echoing together under the smiling sun.
They both lay there a while, silently as heavy panting turned into smooth and relaxed breathing. Callie turned on her side and looked at the dishevelled blonde who lay on her back. Arizona's bright red face had cooled down to just that light pink that made her look like the most happy, sleepy, beautiful person ever.
Callie sighed as she drank her in. It was a moment of in between-ness for her. They'd been doing this for almost two months now, and Arizona had been respectful and platonic. She's never pushed Callie, and mostly the blonde did a lot of the talking. Sometimes Callie would surprise them both by daring to dig beneath the available and tacit surface to that deeper self that was ephemeral and shifting and hard to describe.
Today, after months and months of therapy, and talking and trying to just barely manage things of her own, the brunette suddenly felt ready. She felt at home; she had a nagging feeling that it wouldn't last, that she couldn't trust it to last. But, while it was there she decided to put it to good use.
Her hand as if possessed made its way past Arizona's cheek and she gently shifted a short and billowy lock stuck to the sweat on her face. The touch stirred the blonde as her eyes shot open, she hadn't even looked at the brunette, and Callie could read the faint and fast questions, and surprise making their way into them.
As the brunette tucked the hair behind her ear, Arizona turned just her face towards the other woman with a dazzling smile plastered on it. She may not know what exactly was going on with Callie, but she could tell that things were changing… Callie was changing and things between them were changing into something stronger, something better than before she left…
This love she felt for Callie, now, right at this instance, was a different kind of love. When she'd landed in Seattle after wrapping Malawi up, all she wanted was to get Callie back. She thought that was the key to both their happiness. But, now it was different. This was different. She could be happy for Callie, even if the brunette finally chose not to be with her; it would kill her, but she'd still be happy.
"What?" - Arizona laughed quietly.
"I think" - Callie sighed as she spoke again - "I think I'm ready to talk now…"
"Callie" - the blonde's smile broadened - "we have been talking" - now she too had turned on her side as she supported her weight on an elbow. They were face to face.
"I know" - the brunette nodded - "but… I want to tell you… more."
"Yeah?" - Arizona asked, suddenly feeling like a charged grenade had gone off in the pit of her stomach.
"Yes" - Came the brunette's serious reply - "I want to… I'm… I'm ready" - she nodded.
"That's" - Arizona swallowed, trying to contain herself - "that's a good thing right?"
Callie, for the first time in a long time gave her a complete, free and unadulterated Calliope Torres patented house of crazy happy joy smile - "yeah!" - She laughed; her eyes glistened but the rest of her felt freer and lighter. She knew; they both knew that they still had a long way to go, but this was something good, something to look forward to.
"Yeah" - she repeated - "it's great! It's brilliant!"
They both kept smiling at one another and Arizona moved her hand from the grass to place it over Callie's.
The brunette's smile faltered a little as she looked at their hands, but Arizona wasn't deterred, and Callie didn't move away either. But, it somewhat broke the spell.
Callie looked up - "but I don't know how much I'll be able to" -
- "You could sing the lyrics to Friday and I'll sit there and listen to you!"
"Okay!" - Callie jumped up sprightly - "enough of that!" - She gave the blonde her hand - "come on? Let's go!"
"Whaaaaat?!" - The blonde whined all the while taking Callie's proffered hand and pulling herself up - "look!" - She pointed over to a drier patch - "that guy's selling waffles! Com'on!" - She jocularly punched the brunette in the arm - "let's go stuff ourselves?!" - She asked with a pleading smile.
"One? Owww! What wet noodle hits like that?" - Callie asked, surprised with the amount of force the blonde's punch packed - "And two? No. I just ran so much so that I could drink! Not stuff my face with whip cream and processed sugar!"
"Fine" - Arizona pouted for good measure.
"So?" - Callie asked as the two of them fooled themselves by 'stretching', knowing full well they were going to be eating waffles in the next ten minutes.
"Hm?"
"What did you mean by lyrics to Friday?" - Callie asked without a hint of humour in her voice.
"Oh. My. Good!" - The blonde looked at her gob-smacked.
"What?" - Callie stopped, Arizona's impression of a goldfish drawing her attention.
The blonde took out her earphones and gave Callie one, putting the other in her ear, she dexterously put the song in question on her ipod.
Callie put the ear piece in, her face burning with attentive curiosity, as the two of them began walking again - side by side at a leisurely pace.
Arizona kept looking at Callie's face for that moment in the song that would have Callie want to slaughter a village or whatever other madness that would come of it. The blonde was leading them, but Callie gave her a slight tug, turning them in the direction of the waffle guy.
"Arizona!" - 'And there it was!' Callie yanked the earphone out of her ear as if it'd burned her - "Why in the world would you have this song on your ipod!?"
"A kid gave it to me!" - The blonde defended, knowing it wasn't much of defence at all.
"Okay?! But, why have me listen to it!?" - Callie asked, equally amused and infuriated.
"Just proving a point!"
"What point could a song like that possibly prove?!"
"That you could sing Friday to me and I'd still stick around…"
The brunette gave Arizona a smile that made her uneasy. Callie leaped forward and turned face to face with the other woman, jogging backwards - "Is that a challenge, Robbins?" - She asked with a quirked eyebrow.
'Fuck! Callie looked like sex incarnate right now!'
"It is what it is…" - Arizona said feigning confidence with a nonchalant shrug.
"Friday… Friday…" - Callie began, but then some old lady's tiny dog began yacking at her - "oh damn!" - Callie stopped abruptly.
"Dog's got good taste!" - Arizona laughed.
"Whatever!" - Callie looked at her, feeling more than just a little embarrassed - "I don't even know the lyrics!"
"Trust me Callie…"- The blonde doubled over with laughter - "that is a good thing."
"Yeah… yeah…" - the brunette gave her a mock glare - "let's just get you stuffed, okay?"
"Sure…" - said Arizona as the brunette turned, joining her on her side yet again - "lead the way!"
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They sat on a bench together, side by side, enjoying their breakfast in silence. This bench was situated over a picaresque rolling hill, a little higher and farther ways away from the walk way.
Callie looked at the blonde; she was biting into her food with single minded focus and determination. The brunette felt a deep and abiding affection for Arizona that she didn't quite know where to place or what to do with anymore. It made her feel odd and awkward sometimes, but other times, like right now? It would all become devastatingly simple… she was in love, and that was the beginning and end of all her problems. Because, even though it was getting easier… it wasn't entirely so… and she wasn't ready, by any stretch of her imagination to do that! But now? Now she could at least entertain the idea of not being so… so alone.
She smiled to herself, a small private smile, as she leant her head on her fisted hand, resting her elbow atop the backrest. She had silently decided that it was, in fact, time to let someone in; someone who she paid in waffles and her company, instead of her friendly neighbourhood mental health specialist.
"Ahem" - Callie cleared her throat. 'A well respected and classic prelude to any serious conversation.'
Arizona turned towards her with an unassuming smile on her face - 'success!' thought the brunette.
"What's up?" - She stopped to wipe her corner of her mouth, 'whip cream just gets everywhere.'
"I'm…uh…I'm going to talk now."
"Okay" - Arizona looked at her with rapt attention.
"Annnnd…" - Callie scrunched down breaking eye contact between them as she rubbed her thighs; nervous energy coiled in her stomach - "I'm going to do that right now" - she nodded to herself.
"Mhm…" - Arizona nodded and mimicked the brunette's position. She bumped her shoulder and without pretence or any agenda wrapped their arms together as she took Callie's hand in hers. This she had earned. They'd been more open with their affection, and even though they had talked about Arizona's time in Africa with interest and no animosity, the blonde had realised that mostly she'd be the one carrying the weight of the conversation. It wasn't tedious; it was just a little new… But the brunette did surprise her on some days when they'd have their old rhythm down; it was near flirting, and just very comfortable. This seemed to be one of those days and holding Callie's hand just seemed like the thing to do.
The brunette gave a nervous chuckle - "any minute now… 'M going to be talking… words are going to just… just pour out and make sense! So much sense that you'll be confused!" - She scrunched up her face realising just what it was she had been saying.
"I'm sorry" - she huffed - "Arizona, this is…it's hard…talking about the crash is tough…" -
- "Then talk about something else that's tough" - the blonde suggested as she genially tugged Callie playfully - "but, you know? Not as tough, and you can…" - she nodded like she'd had a brilliant idea - "you can build up to feeling comfortable with the crash thing… Does that…I don't know? Does that make sense?" - She asked, her voice tapering off, heavy with scepticism and doubt. Was she pushing Callie too, much too soon?
Callie looked up at her sideways, a thin smile on her face - "yeah" - she gave a tiny whimper - "I think I want to get some of the stuff out of the way?" - A sudden nervousness crept into her voice and on to her features.
"Okay?" - Arizona gave her an encouraging but nervous smile as well, nodding in encouragement - "so? Do!"
"Right!" - The brunette gave a sardonic chuckle - "too much foreplay?"
"Callie" - the blonde sighed, desperately trying to hide her exasperation - "if you don't want to" -
- "No… no…I do. Just that…I feel all this nervous energy all of a sudden…" - their eyes went to her restlessly bouncing leg - "huh…" -the brunette scoffed at herself as she began standing up - "you mind if we do this walking around?"
"Not at all" - Arizona sprang up, and as they began walking side by side, she twisted the corner of Callie's running jacket between her fingers. The blonde held on, almost as if she were stealing herself away and maintaining a connection to Callie, all at once.
"Mark had a really small funereal…we were all still raw" - she scoffed - "really raw from it, and I was about to start on working on how to get Shepherd his hand back… so… he had a small funereal."
The almost dead silence that grew between them after just that; not really a confession of any kind, just something - a tabulation and conclusion of a middle aged man whose only religion was mirth, youthful indiscretions without youth as an excuse and his own brand of devotion to his friends. But, it was so much more than Callie had given her in the last two months. Mark was a touchy subject. As the silence continued, it seemed more and more out of place in the middle of a cheerful and sunny Seattle morning.
"That's the night that you got blind drunk, right?"
"Ummm… yes" - Callie nodded, throwing a thin lipped smile her way. The blonde's attempt at making light did not go unnoticed by her, but fail, it did.
"But, we had like a memorial for him" - the brunette continued - "a few months later; for Kepner too."
Arizona wanted to say something… anything, but the only things that came to mind sounded trite and condescending in her head. Whatever would she say - 'that sounds nice? You were a good friend to him?' The truth of it was that she was never too close to Mark, and you couldn't pay her a million dollars to make her say it out loud, but 'on most days she saw how Callie laughed around him, and she'd caught him looking at her a certain way. It wasn't cheap, or crass, although he did that too… but sometimes it was something you could call longing; but then she thought that everyone from the bag boy at Big Buy to the his mother was looking at her ex. She…she resented him; not hate, not dislike… it was quite simply resentment. She didn't bear him any ill will, and certainly not this, and to see Callie all broken up over it, over him… seeing her like that was a different kind of torture. She felt the hurt…Callie's hurt, but it was like she was a trespasser of sorts, she couldn't claim it for herself. She would only take what Callie would let her, and keep the rest locked away… that was her job now.'
"Anyway" - the brunette's sigh pulled Arizona out of her thoughts - "that's the day it started…with…with Karev…" - Callie stopped walking once she realised the blonde was no longer next to her.
A quiet and confused - "what?!" - prompted the brunette to turn back and face the other woman.
"Callie?" - She scoffed in disbelief - "what started?! Are you saying what I think you're saying?!" - The blonde's heart was pounding in her ears, and she felt her stomach lurch a little. She'd known that 'Callie and Alex had had a thing eons ago, but that was before! Before he was her protégé and kind of like a nearly senile wounded dog she had nursed to health, except for the crankiness which was just permanent…'
She could see the colour rise on the brunette's face - "you said… you promised me! You said you wouldn't judge!"
Callie was tense and her muscles - taut, she looked like she was just about ready to take off like a shot.
"Woah!" - Arizona put up her hands. She was wearing an expression of incredulity - "hey! I am not judging… I'm… I'm processing!"
"Yeah, right!" - The brunette scoffed as she began to walk off. The blonde immediately took a hold of her shoulders and put herself in Callie's way.
"Hey! No! Okay? No way!" - She shook her with urgency - "You do not get to do that! Look at me!" - The tension between them slowly ebbed as the brunette gave into Arizona's request and looked into her eyes.
"Calliope, you just told me… just now… that…that you slept with my student…so be fair, okay? - Her voice had a gentleness it that gave Callie pause - "You want to talk about this" -
- "I'm not sure I do, Arizo" -
- "Yeah you do!" - The blonde insisted as she joined Callie on her side and urged her to start their meandering again - "you wouldn't have mentioned it if you didn't" - silence, then a sigh - "you know you wouldn't have, Callie…"
"Okay" - the brunette answered with a nod, and continued -"it was a couple of times…" -
Arizona kept from whimpering and groaning her displeasure at this whole ordeal… 'Callie and Alex, or Callie with anyone else and the involvement of… of… intercourse', she though begrudgingly, 'was just every bit as harrowing as she had imagined. It was the stuff of nightmares.'
"…and it was… the first time was just… it wasn't all the way, but then I guess…I guess he felt comfortable with me" - the brunette shrugged her shoulders, waiting for the blonde to say something… anything.
"What?! He couldn't find anyone else, any other person on the planet to get comfortable with?!" - It was much more acerbic than she'd wanted to let on, but it was how she felt.
"Alright! Let's get one thing straight?!" - It wasn't as harsh as it was matter of fact, which was what was so devastating about it - "I'm not… I don't answer to you. I haven't in a very, very long time. So don't get prissy with me! I thought this is what you wanted, you were begging me to" -
- "It is what I want!" - Arizona countered - "but I'm still in… I still have… I care about you, okay?" - She finished lamely - "I care about you, deeply, and in a way that makes me want to…to…" -
- "Never let me have sex with anyone else?!" - Callie smirked, but it was plain she was baiting Arizona…challenging her.
The blonde sighed - "something like that."
Callie broke the short silence that followed - "Arizona? What do you know about Alex? I mean, how much do you know about what's happened with him after the crash?"
"Ummm…just that he left about four months ago and I took his slot… We haven't kept in touch, so…"
"Oh…" - Callie sounded surprised - "he was dating someone… a blonde, I forget her name… I think it was Lucy something… They'd been living together, it was serious."
"Alex? Karev? Alex Karev was…" -
- "Yup" - The brunette replied - "but after the crash, she had to… it was really ugly" - she waved around, hoping to find a sensitive way to say the rest - "I was catatonic" - she whispered it like it was some secret shame - "and Alex… his leg… later when I saw his case, I knew they couldn't have done a thing for him… nothing."
"Callie…" - she whispered, dread creeping into her voice - "what are you trying to say to me?"
"It was… thank God it was a below the knee amputation. Lucy… she had to take the call…" -
- "That's just… what about his family?" - The blonde asked disbelievingly.
"There wasn't any time, and you remember him having any reliable family really?" - A little girl running by crashed into the brunette; her mother a few steps behind was immediately ordering her to apologise.
Callie let out an "uff" but made a quick recovery. She watched the little girl lisp out a "sorry lady", and the smile on Callie's face as she watched the kid was unlike any other. Arizona felt an immediate and intense pang from just watching the scene unfold. She couldn't really tell what it was she was feeling, except that she was afraid of what she'd come up with if she even tried to understand it.
"Right!" - Said the brunette as she smiled, watching the little girl trot away - "anyway. He cut her out of his life like you wouldn't believe! She was… chick was weak, or…" - she sighed - "I don't know! Who am I to judge, right?!" - She shrugged.
"Mhm" - the blonde agreed, nodding.
"So she left, and I helped him out, and down the line… one thing led to another and we… and then he just left…" -
- "What do you mean 'he just left'?!"
"I mean… he just left… called me over for a nightcap… told me about leaving, gave me a cheque for the hospital, thanked me, hugged me, and left."
"Okay…" - Arizona nodded - "that isn't so bad…" -
- "Ahem!" - The brunette cleared her throat; the silent conversationalist's threat was immediately heeded.
- Right! Yeah, I mean… that's not anything… You leaned on each-other" - Callie quirked an eyebrow - "right! Bad choice of voice, considering…" -
- "You're freaking out… You said you wouldn't freak out…" - the brunette said with an annoying sing song lilt.
"No… absolutely… I'll stop now… I can't believe this happened with Alex and… and no one thought to call me" - she said, thinking aloud - "I mean, he wasn't just my student you know?! He was… he was the next me and my friend…" -
- "Yeah well" - Callie cut her off with a short, bitter laugh - "I used to be a lot more than that, and you didn't" -
- "Callie…" - Arizona sighed, her tone pleading. They had talked about this; endlessly talked about it. The brunette kept saying she was over it, but they both knew better. Though dissipating, some days Callie's anger and bitterness would get the best of her. The blonde couldn't be sorrier, but somewhere Arizona knew that a part of her stood by her decision. She couldn't have done anything for Callie at that point. This was their pattern, the vicious cycle of misunderstandings and miss-communiqué that they would have to fight to break together, if they had even a shadow of a chance.
"Yeah" - the brunette sighed - "I know… I'm sorry" - she gave Arizona a tiny smile - "I'm working on it."
"Okay" - suddenly something struck Arizona - "so, wait a sec though! You don't… I mean you don't, and you shouldn't" - the blonde looked queasy for a second, almost like she'd swallowed her own tongue - "feel guilty about sleeping…" - she flailed her arms about her - "the Alex thing." - She said flatly - "So then why are you…" - it was then that the realisation hit her like a two tonne truck - "you blame yourself for not being able to fix his leg?!" - She asked completely outraged, 'someone had to be!'
The brunette looked away - "not entirely, but if I hadn't" -
- "If you hadn't what Callie?!" - Arizona cut her off - "been in the fucking plane crash!? That's…that's just" -
- "Crazy! I know! Believe me, I know… but it's" - she sighed, running her hands through her hair, tugging at the base of it - "…it's how I feel… not all the time… but sometimes."
The blonde nodded - "I guess…" - she was oscillating between confusion an understanding till - "no… 'M sorry I don't think I could get it… I mean… 'm learning really fast that, probably the only way I'd know how you feel is if I was on that plane with" -
- "There are a lot of things I wanted you around for, Arizona…" - Callie sounded almost infuriated as she cut the blonde off- "but, that day? On the plane? I remember thinking, 'I'm glad Arizona walked away…'" -
- "Callie, I…" -
- "Don't" - She heaved a sigh - "let's just… let that be, leave it there, okay?"
Arizona nodded her consent.
Callie lightly placed a hand on the other woman's arm effectively stopping Arizona in her tracks - "I think" - sighed the brunette - "I'm all talked out."
"Oh" - Arizona looked at her, feeling a little disappointed - "okay. Yes." - She nodded tentatively - "so? What do you want to do next?"
"I think I want to run some more" - the brunette replied.
"Callie, I don't think I can run anymore, we could" -
- "Alone, Arizona" - Callie supplied - "I want to run alone" - she said with a definitive edge.
"Oh" - Arizona wrestled with herself as she kept her mouth from spewing a million questions, all a mile a minute - "okay…" - and before she could finish her next thought Callie took off.
Arizona stood there in her dust, bewildered, ecstatic and more than that, she was completely out of her depth.
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A/N: Brace yourself people, another chapter and then Boswell enters the fray. Emotional thunderdome, but muted… Anyway, let me know how you liked this, or if you didn't. But, keep the faith...
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My Song of the Day - Mirror Mirror by Dr. Dog
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