Confessions, Concessions and Cures Chapters 7 & 8
Title: Confession, Concessions and Cures
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to SR and ABC. I make no profit from these stories and also? No copy right infringement intended.
Rating:T
Summary:Every scary little thing that rattled inside her mind and heart, that came in the way of her loving Callie with everything she ever was - it was all becoming apparent. It became violent and almost tangible in every electrifying touch she'd shared with Lauren.
There was this all consuming burn Arizona felt in Lauren's presence; she was suddenly younger, everything was momentarily brighter and so she gave into it. It felt like jumping off a high rise; the fall creating a hollow in her stomach, the wind tickling her exposed skin, rushing all over her. It was beautiful and exciting until it wasn't, until the ground became visible. And, then it all came rushing in, who she was; a mother, a wife, brilliant, married to someone who didn't think to question why she loved her, or how she loved her, someone who only knew that she loved Arizona and everything else was inconsequential.
Yes, she was sure. She was sure that it happened - she was sure that she'd just hit the ground, they all had.
"Yes, Callie. It happened."
Pairing: C/A
Onward
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7
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Callie walked fast, rushing to get to Arizona's at a half-way decent time and a reasonable grace period when it came to being late. 'She wasn't that late! She was a little late! Half an hour! That's it!' She hurriedly looked down at her watch - 'times two! Fudge! What?! She was thinking fake swear words too now?!'
Her internal monologue caused her to smile a small wistful smile as she now stood at Arizona's door. She was thinking about her night with Jasper when two twerp-y children ran down the corridor making a loud freaking ratchet. Arizona came busting out the front door shouting a loud "oye!" when her faced bumped into Callie's.
"Ahhh! Gosh Darnnit, Arizona!" she cried while rubbing her nose.
"I'm beginning to think you're subconsciously taking out your latent anger on me by" she comically air quoted her next words "'accidentally'" - yup she was talking slowly now, probably to insult the blonde's intelligence - "running into me, again and again. Hard."
Arizona rolled her eyes at her, but had decency to apologise.
"You gonna let me in?"
"Oh! Yeah! 'm sorry…" she stepped aside and waved her in… "come in, come in!" - she huffed the invitation out in a small nervous chuckle.
Callie looked around, "the place looks…"
There was a princess themed room she could see through a door that was slightly ajar. Outside, in the living room was a horrendous looking couch with a 'what was that?! After-birth?! It'd smelled like after-birth when she'd come to look at the apartment the first time'. The living room was huge, 'big enough, she knew, for her wife to sulk and skulk in.' There was the other bedroom, closed - Arizona's of course, and off to the side, adjoining the open breakfast bar was the balcony. Some steps led upstairs to a large studio like room with glass walls.
Arizona had wanted the upstairs space as an office. It was the only place in the apartment that had new furniture, except for Sophia's room where nothing was or ever would be left wanting. Upstairs, right where the banisters ended, she could see a row of potted plants and that was all the decoration Arizona did.
In the living room downstairs there was a tiny television set in front of the oh-so-ugly after birth couch. The television unit had pictures of Tim, one of Sophia with Barbra and the Colonel, but other than that, there were no pictures of the three of them together. 'Huh!'
"Callie? Hey? You were saying something?" enquired the somewhat nervous woman. She could hear Arizona nervously shift her weight from one foot to the other repeatedly; something she did when she felt like she was under pressure or scrutiny. Callie wasn't going to let her wife hang in the weird 'crap! does-she-not-like-my-apartment-anymore-limbo' any longer.
"It looks? Yeah, no Arizona, the couch… you need to throw that out, put a rug on it? Burn it? Donate it to Santan worshippers! Something!" The blonde laughed a small laugh of relief, talking over her wife's many, many suggestions - "Yes, yes, okay, I get it! Kill the couch and dispose the body!"
'This was nice… right? They were bantering like their old selves?' But when Arizona looked at the couch again she realised just how unlike old times it was. 'She was in her own apartment for God's sake! Living apart from her wife! Having to schedule when she'd meet her kid! This was so messed up…they were so messed up!'
"Hello my little crack baby! Hi my baby boo! Oh! Look at you! Look at you!" Callie cooing at Sophia, picking her up, taking in her baby smell with that loud obnoxious sniffing noise that drove her up the wall! It made her heart 'a gooey' pulpy warm mulch-y mess. 'Ekh! That was a gross thought; she used to be so cool once. Now? Now she was a… a… a MOM!'
"Don't call her crack baby!" she chided the woman holding the baby shaped gun that zapped everyone into fits of cuddles and snuggles.
Callie looked up, the smile on her face toning down in its intensity.
"So? You asked me here. What's up?"
"Yes…" She was beginning to breakdown in a nervous sweat. 'How attractive?!', she thought to herself. Then it occurred to her to ask, hedging the question in as polite and non-accusatory a manner as she could bring herself to - "I asked you here at eight, it's a quarter past nine, your shift ended at six, so…"
"Oh! Here we go!" Callie hissed, putting Sophia down in the play pen and turning back towards her wife. The blonde looked kind of taken aback at the animosity and quiet ferociousness with which Callie had spoken to her. She put her hands up in half placation, half supplication - all surrender - "hey…hey I was just asking. It's okay if you don't want to share. I just…"
"You just what?! Thought I was out partying it up with some floo…" she reconsidered her choice of words, remembering the tiny-tiny ears in the room with them - "not nice girl?"
"No!" - A fast, prompt protest from the other woman. "I just thought maybe you had an interesting case you'd like to talk about. I just… I asked… just to talk." - 'just to hear your voice more, share your life more.'
There it was again. One of those intermittent, palpable moments of desperation that got away from Arizona once in a while. Callie felt guilty at the thought of wanting that to happen more; hoping for these raw moments where she could see her wife in pure, unadulterated agony and want - guilt over what she did, what she cost them. She felt terrible, but she also felt reassured that Arizona was invested in them.
"No, I… there was no interesting surgery. I don't feel like chasing interesting surgeries anymore…"
"Callie…"
"Stop with the… the…"
"What?" 'just say what you want me to do and I'll do it! Anything!'
"Sighing my name like that! Breathing it out all low and moany-like!"
Arizona smiled. She was smiling. Callie chose to ignore that, because that was a minefield of crazy angry thoughts that'd derail this entire evening… whatever this entire evening was.
"To answer your question," huffed the brunette - "I was at Joes. I needed a break so I went with a… a" - she smiled when she said it - "a friend."
"Oh?"
'Was it just her or did Arizona sound all fake happy-real worried-totally interested?'
"Who?"
"Ummm…" 'Callie was looking at her weird - "the new guy, a Dr. Jasper Callahan, trauma? You know? After Kepner and the bus thing…"
"Yeah… yeah. Yes, Christina was saying they'd hire someone new… I just voted for whomever Bailey recommended." She said with a shrug of her shoulders. Both of them were clear on not really wanting to talk about Kepner and all that death business.
They didn't talk about it much after it happened. Another doctor dead - April Kepner's well-meaning heroics during the storm just went to show that they lived in a untiringly unfair world where no good deed went unpunished. Since then, Avery had requested a leave of absence and was still on leave, nearly a month…well twenty-four days after the incident.
Bailey had inherited Dr. Webber's stake in the hospital and with it a chair on the board, the voting privileges and administrative pain in the bootock that came with it all.
When the topic of the need to appoint a new trauma surgeon had surfaced, they'd all dumped the load on Bailey as a rite of passage, citing it as an incitation of sorts; they really just wanted to lump it on the new guy! Bailey had reluctantly risen to the occasion, but it soon became painfully evident that the brilliant general surgeon was also a power house administrator. Right now, with the tiniest stake in the hospital, that little dynamo was basically manning the entire ship.
"Right, so he came in today and we had a few cases together - a construction site debacle!" 'Yup, alright so her wife sounded inappropriately excited.' It reminded her of the Boner for Broken Bonest-shirt she'd printed for Callie early on, when they were still courting one another.
"So", Callie continued - "I showed him around while we dealt! He hated the interns; I hate the interns, so we went for a friendly drink!" The last bit came out like a challenge.
"Anyway, I'm confused Arizona. You should know. Christina said the board talked 'bout it." Surprisingly enough, Callie didn't sound bitter about not being on the board anymore. She'd signed over her stake to Arizona and even though she wasn't chasing surgeries and such like, she was more involved in the medicine and her research, and that went a long way in keeping her… well… sane; happy would be a bit of a stretch at this point.
"I haven't really been attending those…"
"Why the hell not?!"
"It feels weird… being there when… when you… without you, it feels wrong!"
"Arizona," it came out like a prayer. "Come on! We've talked about this! It's… I've asked for so little!"
"I know, okay? I…"
They heard a faint gurgle in the background. Sophia looked bored and done with the kiddies program; Dora was playing in Spanish and 'so she's found something in a tree on a mountain again! So what?!'
Arizona got up, "I'll put her to sleep and we'll talk. There's some red in the cabinet under the stove…"
"You keep alcohol under the fire where you burn your food!" 'Livid. Callie was livid.' Her mother's shriek jolted the toddler and scared her into crying.
"Great job! Now it'll take that much longer to get her to calm down!" Arizona matched her wife in anger and intensity, though she chose not to be quite so loud. "And I it keep it there so it's easier to reach and I'll…" 'Callie was giving her a look.' Just then she realised what she sounded like…"and I'll move it" - she finished lamely, all the fight leaving her body.
Twenty five minutes, two bed-time stories and a lot of humming and bum-patting later the two women found themselves enveloped in a calm silence. This time it wasn't awkward though. It was clear that the two of them were re-grouping in order to talk like rational adults.
Arizona, perched on the couch went to top up Callie's wine glass, but the Latina quickly covered her glass with her hand. It was getting late and she had to go home tonight so she thought it prudent to stop - before she got two far ahead of herself.
Callie had flat out refused to sit on the couch; intermittently eyeing the thing like it was her arch nemesis. She chose to sit on a rug on the floor instead.
"You know?" Arizona started - "this would go a lot easier if you'd have some more wine."
"Really?! That's your sage advice?!" She went on to speak in her best Arizona impression, bobbing her head for further approximation to the real deal, batting her eyelashes because she knew it'd get Arizona's goat - "Oh Callie!" - That was disturbingly close, but just a little too sing-song-y - "Let's do this tipsy!"
Arizona shrugged her shoulders - "I'm no sage. I thought we'd established as much!"
"Sooo… Jasper? He sounds nice…" Arizona droned, nose deep in her half empty wine glass. She heard a stirring and looked up from her glass. Callie had slung her bag onto her shoulder and was fishing her phone out of it; presumably to call a cab.
"What are you doing?!" - her voice was small and a little surprised at Callie's abrupt attempt at an exit.
"What does it look like, Arizona?" she huffed, exasperated and at the end of her rope. "Look I came here because you had something important to say! That's what you said on the phone! And, I'm sorry I was late, but we had a civil dinner and we did the family time thing with Sophia."
Arizona looked about ready to jump at that 'family time' comment, but the incensed brunette never gave her a chance.
"No matter, however short it was. And, I've waited patiently for you to open up, and now you're what? What are you… interrogating… insinuating?!"
"Woah! Calm down, I didn't say anything!" the blonde exclaimed. "I just wanted to know how your evening was!"
"Stop it! Just… just stop gas-lighting* me! Okay? I'm not an idiot!"
Arizona for her part began to look both shocked and guilty, which Callie found… a relief.
"You keep circling back to Dr. Callahan! In that… in that… tone! I don't know what it is about the way you're asking about him, but it's been a long day and it's rubbing me wrong." She'd started dialing the cab company and walking towards the door. "So you stop that now! I'm allowed to have friends, and I'm sorry if I'm not sulking over you and getting depressed enough to your satifac…"
"Hey! Wait a minute!" Arizona cut her off. "I don't want you depressed! How can you say something like that?! I'm not trying to spread misery!"
"Well, you could've fooled me!"
Silence.
They were breathing hard and very, very thankful for the fact that Sophia hadn't woken up because with all the loud bickering the entire apartment building must have; Sophia slept like her Ma, tiny snores and oblivious till daylight.
Arizona took a deep breath and hazarded breaking the silence - "I've begun therapy."
It was a simple statement or maybe it was a shy admission.
"Oh."
"I'm trying, Callie."
"I know. I know you are."
"Good. I needed you to know. You should know that… that I'm trying." 'God why was this so freaking hard?!'
"Okay", she said whilst re-positioning her bag on her shoulder, irritated with the fact that it kept slipping off every two seconds.
"I should still go. It's getting late." Every word was quieter than its antecedent. She pulled her phone out again to request the services of a cab company.
When Arizona realised Callie had been put on hold by the good people at 'Abraa-Cab-Daabraa!' she ventured to ask Callie a question.
"Callie?"
The brunette looked up. She was biting her lip, listening to the god awful hold music - "Hmmm?" she asked.
Arizona asked her next question with an anxious vulnerability - "will you wait up here till the cab comes? We could watch the after-hours infomercial together or whatever? You could pick something if… if that's lame."
Callie looked at her, thinking it over. She was about to speak, but then she put her hand up and talked into the phone. "Yeah, anhaan. Yes, thirty minutes suits me just fine. Thanks!" She stopped to cancel the call.
"Callie?" - Arizona looked at her; hopeful.
A hybrid of a sad and happy smile began to overtake her features as Callie whispered a tired and content "yes."
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* Gas-lighting:
(a) To tell a bald faced lie to someone and then brazenly deny that this was ever done.
(b).To tell a lie (consciously or unconsciously) without regard for whether or not you undermine another person's sanity/ perception of reality.
The above definitions are taken from www.urbandictionary.com
Gas-lighting is a real psycho-social issue that is rampant, especially in societies with patriarchal accents to them. In fact, it is one of the more subtle tools in the now more sophisticated arsenal of patriarchal dominance. On a simplistic level it can be overcome with truthful, respectful, open and honest communication (in this case) between partners to engender that kind of happiness that comes from true, hard fought and often hard won equality in any relationship.
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8
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Arizona was walking the corridors of GSM; slowly and tiredly making her way towards the doctor's lounge. During one of their more meaningless meetings, they'd all given up on being frugal and in a moment of collective madness decided that it was a good idea to buy new coffee machines for some of the staff lounges.
Thus began the great coffee war of 2013 that had interns, surgeons, and nurses all clandestinely flitting in and out of those lounges that housed the new machines. If you really thought about it, the fact that the new interns weren't coming out of on call rooms with guilty looks on their faces and reserved said guilt for prohibited coffee runs - may be they weren't that doomed after all.
Arizona huffed a little when in the distance she could make out two interns, 'wait, wait - Karev's interns. That girl with the boy's name, and that boy with a F.R.I.E.N.D.S' name!' She decided (whilst humming the tune to F.R.I.E.N.D.S) not to do anything about it and just tell Karev instead. He always looked happier when he was yelling at them anyway. She just needed the coffee, that coffee, to wind down and then wind up for the next couple of hours.
The smile was slowly stripped from her face as thoughts of Callie clouded her mind. Her wife had stopped using this particular lounge which was a bit of a hot spot for the Seattle Grace Seven when they'd all informally meet and chat with one another, table issues, and plan dinners. As odd as it felt to be in the board room without Callie, this somehow felt worse.
Between the two of them, the hospital seemed to have been divided and organised into hot and cold zones, and whilst Arizona was now dying to see Callie, and didn't care how pathetic she was being about it; 40 days after the storm Callie's initial reaction - undeniable, irrepressible anger, that battled with love and was finally laced with concern - had come to fruition - and suddenly a pinching sort of rage became the constant reading on her barometer.
Callie, seeing how unfair it was to subject Arizona to this new all-consuming fire that constantly beat behind her eyes, clearly, concisely, and with an oxymoronic abrasive politeness told her wife that she was going to keep her distance for a while.
In the meanwhile, in the hospital people had finally started to see how strained things were between them. But, they were not made privy to the extent of the damage that their marriage had incurred.
A fact that was about to change.
As she walked into the lounge, still absent minded-ly humming the chorus, all she hoped for was a bit of quiet. She mindlessly walked to the coffee machine, picking up a cup when -
"Hey" the straight laced voice of Christina Yang made her jump and comically drop the empty cup. She turned around, all accusations.
"Jesus! Yang! You scared the crap out of me!"
"Hey, hey… Calm down." Christina pushed off a little from the couch she'd been snugly sitting in. She hunched over and looked at Arizona with a serene and calm smile.
'What the hell!?'
"Why do you look like the cat that got the canary?" '…and then brutally murdered it, and psychotically wrote a novel about that murder and made millions…'
The creepy serene calm yoda face continued to grace the room.
"It's all okay Arizona… we're just going to…"
"Chistina!" came the gasp like call of Meredith Grey. Arizona jumped again for good measure and put her hand on her heart, whilst turning back to see the new intruders.
Meredith was soon joined by Derek, and Bailey. Arizona bent a little to her right to see if Avery was to follow them in. "Is there…ummm…" 'nervous. Why was she feeling so nervous?!' "…like a meeting or something and I missed the memo?"
"Come sit next to me" said Christina while she partook in some creepy, creepy smiley, and very weird and awkwardly slow-fake-serene sofa patting.
"Christina!" exclaimed Bailey, "you're scaring the poor woman!"
"She's not a poor woman!" Yang was looking at Arizona directly now. 'Damn! Could she ask her to go back to being creepy? This new expression, whatever it was, was even more unsettling.' "Are you, Robbins?" 'Yup, she's made the shift from 'Arizona' to 'Robbins', she was about to be in some weird intervention type group mauling.'
Arizona decided to go on the defensive, "what do you mean Yang?" She said it whilst she narrowed her eyes and she said it like she meant business.
"Just that. You aren't a poor woman! Why did Callie sign her piece of the pie over to you tuts?!"
"Chritina! Try not to enjoy this so freaking much!"
"Mer, come on! There was a noir marathon yesterday!"
Bailey was busy watching Arizona get paler and paler, and decided to put an end to the all the bush beating - "Hey! Tweedle dee? Tweedle dumb? How about we…you know? Get back to the issue at hand?! Here…" she led Arizona to the single-seater, not missing how Yang's face fell a little.
"Shepherd, get the woman some coffee."
The room went silent for a bit as they all shuffled in and got comfortable. Over the last few months and numerous meetings, this group of people had got a rhythm down. They'd all always gotten along fine in their ORs and work related strategy meetings. But, then something huge happened to them, and through that tragedy they found that they'd all lucked into owning this place together, running this place together. Whether it was good luck or bad was still something all of them were yet to agree on.
They waited till Arizona took a sip from her coffee cup and then as she looked up, she saw four faces silently and simultaneously drawing breath; the inquisition was about to commence.
She had to take control before this became the office of Dr. Doolittle. She put her hand out, palm up towards them, "One person at a time, one question at a time, and before you start?!" She glared at them threateningly - "What's between me and Callie?" her tone was getting increasingly and incredibly clipped, which caused Meredith to grimace and Yang to scoff, whilst Derek and Bailey looked on, interested. "Is between me and Callie!"
"Alright!" Derek said, making a show of truce by clapping his hands together and rubbing them. "I can see you won't answer any questions. So? Bailey? Christina? Mother of my children?!"
But he was cut short…"ugh! Derek don't be so peppy!" Christina made a show of fake projectile vomiting.
"Ladies, let's just go! Okay?! It's none of our business!"
"Yeah!" Arizona chimed in "not everyone has a three-way marriage like you guys!" 'Why was she picking a fight?! Derek would've gotten them all outside the door and back to work! She'd be fine, Callie'd be fine!'
"Hey! Not too long ago your baby had two moms and a dad; you wanna talk three-way marriages?! Just go back a year!" 'Freaking Yang!'
"I would love to go back a year!"
Bailey broke it up, "hey!" she pointed at Yang "take a seat and shut your face, or so help me…"
"Fine, whatever, I have surgery anyway!" Yang went for a prompt exit… but stopped, abruptly turned back at them - "no, you know what?!" She honest to God chuckled some. "You did something Arizona, I don't know what, but we're going to find out anyway! Eventually, everything here hangs on the wind! But, whatever it was, Callie should be here! We did this because of her! She came in all a-pleading, bright-eyed and what not and swindled us all into dreaming big! Bigger! And this may be personal, and I don't really care what happened, but she should… she should be here…" She finished lamely, looking down and scuffing her shoe when her pager went off. She started off at a ridiculous speed but they'd already heard an "oh, thank God!" whispered into the wind.
The room was silent.
"Christina Yang just professed her eternal love for Torres." Derek smirked.
Arizona looked back at him, a little shocked, but with a slight and sad smile on her face - "You know Derek, most days, I miss Mark. Not a lot, because that wasn't our thing, but then of late you seem to make me miss him less… That was totally a Mark thing to say."
The flabbergasted look on Derek face was just about to become a real source of unbridled joy for Arizona when Meredith spoke up from the couch.
"You know she's about to be awarded a grant right?"
Arizona looked on, a little confused, "who, Yang?"
"No, Callie."
"What are you talking about?!"
"You didn't know?!"
Seeing how lost and nauseated Arizona looked, Bailey decided to take over the conversation - "It's true."
"When? When did she…"
"Maybe a week ago? She's gotten in touch with a lot of people after TED. Her work's incredible! You know that!"
"Of course I know!" Arizona bit back. "What do they… what is…"
Just then Dr. Callahan burst through the door at a full sprint - "Dr. Robbins?! Trauma bay four! I need you, stat!" And with as little ceremony as his entry saw, so he exited without a second word.
Arizona looked at all of them - "this isn't over, Bai…"
The short woman cut her off "I think we've said too much already. Arizona, talk to your wife," she said those last words in a meaningful whisper, and with a nod, she walked out.
Arizona's eyes followed her out, then she looked back up at Shepherd and Grey.
"You should go." Shepherd spoke up.
"I'm sorry, Ari…"
"Save it Grey!" the blonde's bark cut her off as she briskly started out towards the trauma bays, her mind far from all things medical.
On reaching Trauma bay four, Arizona found that she was irate with the sight she was met with. When she pulled the curtain she saw her wife and Dr. Callahan sitting on the bed, smiling and chatting away to glory.
"Oh, Dr. Robbins" he greeted her with a smile. 'What was he waiting for?! A hi back?!'
Callahan read the room, becoming painfully aware of the awkward air around them. Not one to stick around in tense situations, especially when he wasn't really party to it, he thought it prudent to leave.
"Callie?" he looked at her with a sympathetic smile, he knew what was coming…well at least that it wasn't going to be good… "I'll meet you later, we have to go over the Farello case?"
"Yeah, sure." She said. Throwing a "thanks again!" at the back of his head as he left.
"You two looked cosy!" Arizona said it in that acerbically saccharine sweet manner that made Callie want to claw at her own eyes.
"Not this again!" Callie said, as she exasperatedly jumped off the bed.
"What am I doing in the trauma bay without a trauma to work on?! Is this some new form of torture or punishment?!" All the screaming was making Arizona's veins pop.
Callie looked on, slack jawed, and unsure of what was going on or what to say.
"Oh come on Callie! I cheat on you and so you find the next hunky Mark-impostor and make me watch while you chat him up and smile around him?! While you have all your happy moments with him and tell me about them later in the tense silence of my separate apartment?!
"Did you… are you… Did you sleep with him Callie?!"
Callie lost her breath - "what?"
"Answer me!" It was loud, jaded, and it was painful.
Callie's eyes were red rimmed from holding in her tears. 'Arizona did not deserve her crying over her right now.'
"You cheated…" Callie hissed - "you cheated and so now you see cheating everywhere!" She began walking towards her wife, almost threateningly.
"And there's no trauma here"- she pushed the blonde in the chest…a light push whilst taking a step forward herself as they both got nearer to the closed curtain - "because I've lived with Christina Yang, and she was asking me things, and I know when she's trying to be subtle." Another push, another collective step towards the curtain. "And, I was with Jasper because he's my friend" she made sure to loudly emphasis the word, "and he agreed to go rescue you, no questions asked by the way, from what I thought would be the camp fire where they'd roast the pig!"
She couldn't hold it in any longer, Callie quickly wiped at her face and gave Arizona a final shove as they both tumbled out of the curtained safety of the trauma bay - "because that's what you are Arizona!"
Now loud and resounding - "A lying, cheating pig!"
And, as the two broke eye contact and looked up and around them, they saw their friends, their colleagues and their students; some had their mouths open, some had their hand covering their mouths, eyes wide, everyone - looking at them.
Callie took in the scene, whilst Arizona had eyes only for Callie. She saw her lower lip tremble now, her body was rigid, and she knew what came next. She stood there rooted to her spot as Callie began sobbing, her hands covering her mouth, her eyes pinched closed, and then her brave and gorgeous and generous wife ran, ducking for cover and dignity, away from the prying and spying eyes of the people closest to them.
She wanted to follow Callie but she realised that she'd just stripped Callie bare and left her naked in front of everyone. Callie wasn't running from them anymore, she was running from her.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to SR and ABC. I make no profit from these stories and also? No copy right infringement intended.
Rating:T
Summary:Every scary little thing that rattled inside her mind and heart, that came in the way of her loving Callie with everything she ever was - it was all becoming apparent. It became violent and almost tangible in every electrifying touch she'd shared with Lauren.
There was this all consuming burn Arizona felt in Lauren's presence; she was suddenly younger, everything was momentarily brighter and so she gave into it. It felt like jumping off a high rise; the fall creating a hollow in her stomach, the wind tickling her exposed skin, rushing all over her. It was beautiful and exciting until it wasn't, until the ground became visible. And, then it all came rushing in, who she was; a mother, a wife, brilliant, married to someone who didn't think to question why she loved her, or how she loved her, someone who only knew that she loved Arizona and everything else was inconsequential.
Yes, she was sure. She was sure that it happened - she was sure that she'd just hit the ground, they all had.
"Yes, Callie. It happened."
Pairing: C/A
Onward
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7
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Callie walked fast, rushing to get to Arizona's at a half-way decent time and a reasonable grace period when it came to being late. 'She wasn't that late! She was a little late! Half an hour! That's it!' She hurriedly looked down at her watch - 'times two! Fudge! What?! She was thinking fake swear words too now?!'
Her internal monologue caused her to smile a small wistful smile as she now stood at Arizona's door. She was thinking about her night with Jasper when two twerp-y children ran down the corridor making a loud freaking ratchet. Arizona came busting out the front door shouting a loud "oye!" when her faced bumped into Callie's.
"Ahhh! Gosh Darnnit, Arizona!" she cried while rubbing her nose.
"I'm beginning to think you're subconsciously taking out your latent anger on me by" she comically air quoted her next words "'accidentally'" - yup she was talking slowly now, probably to insult the blonde's intelligence - "running into me, again and again. Hard."
Arizona rolled her eyes at her, but had decency to apologise.
"You gonna let me in?"
"Oh! Yeah! 'm sorry…" she stepped aside and waved her in… "come in, come in!" - she huffed the invitation out in a small nervous chuckle.
Callie looked around, "the place looks…"
There was a princess themed room she could see through a door that was slightly ajar. Outside, in the living room was a horrendous looking couch with a 'what was that?! After-birth?! It'd smelled like after-birth when she'd come to look at the apartment the first time'. The living room was huge, 'big enough, she knew, for her wife to sulk and skulk in.' There was the other bedroom, closed - Arizona's of course, and off to the side, adjoining the open breakfast bar was the balcony. Some steps led upstairs to a large studio like room with glass walls.
Arizona had wanted the upstairs space as an office. It was the only place in the apartment that had new furniture, except for Sophia's room where nothing was or ever would be left wanting. Upstairs, right where the banisters ended, she could see a row of potted plants and that was all the decoration Arizona did.
In the living room downstairs there was a tiny television set in front of the oh-so-ugly after birth couch. The television unit had pictures of Tim, one of Sophia with Barbra and the Colonel, but other than that, there were no pictures of the three of them together. 'Huh!'
"Callie? Hey? You were saying something?" enquired the somewhat nervous woman. She could hear Arizona nervously shift her weight from one foot to the other repeatedly; something she did when she felt like she was under pressure or scrutiny. Callie wasn't going to let her wife hang in the weird 'crap! does-she-not-like-my-apartment-anymore-limbo' any longer.
"It looks? Yeah, no Arizona, the couch… you need to throw that out, put a rug on it? Burn it? Donate it to Santan worshippers! Something!" The blonde laughed a small laugh of relief, talking over her wife's many, many suggestions - "Yes, yes, okay, I get it! Kill the couch and dispose the body!"
'This was nice… right? They were bantering like their old selves?' But when Arizona looked at the couch again she realised just how unlike old times it was. 'She was in her own apartment for God's sake! Living apart from her wife! Having to schedule when she'd meet her kid! This was so messed up…they were so messed up!'
"Hello my little crack baby! Hi my baby boo! Oh! Look at you! Look at you!" Callie cooing at Sophia, picking her up, taking in her baby smell with that loud obnoxious sniffing noise that drove her up the wall! It made her heart 'a gooey' pulpy warm mulch-y mess. 'Ekh! That was a gross thought; she used to be so cool once. Now? Now she was a… a… a MOM!'
"Don't call her crack baby!" she chided the woman holding the baby shaped gun that zapped everyone into fits of cuddles and snuggles.
Callie looked up, the smile on her face toning down in its intensity.
"So? You asked me here. What's up?"
"Yes…" She was beginning to breakdown in a nervous sweat. 'How attractive?!', she thought to herself. Then it occurred to her to ask, hedging the question in as polite and non-accusatory a manner as she could bring herself to - "I asked you here at eight, it's a quarter past nine, your shift ended at six, so…"
"Oh! Here we go!" Callie hissed, putting Sophia down in the play pen and turning back towards her wife. The blonde looked kind of taken aback at the animosity and quiet ferociousness with which Callie had spoken to her. She put her hands up in half placation, half supplication - all surrender - "hey…hey I was just asking. It's okay if you don't want to share. I just…"
"You just what?! Thought I was out partying it up with some floo…" she reconsidered her choice of words, remembering the tiny-tiny ears in the room with them - "not nice girl?"
"No!" - A fast, prompt protest from the other woman. "I just thought maybe you had an interesting case you'd like to talk about. I just… I asked… just to talk." - 'just to hear your voice more, share your life more.'
There it was again. One of those intermittent, palpable moments of desperation that got away from Arizona once in a while. Callie felt guilty at the thought of wanting that to happen more; hoping for these raw moments where she could see her wife in pure, unadulterated agony and want - guilt over what she did, what she cost them. She felt terrible, but she also felt reassured that Arizona was invested in them.
"No, I… there was no interesting surgery. I don't feel like chasing interesting surgeries anymore…"
"Callie…"
"Stop with the… the…"
"What?" 'just say what you want me to do and I'll do it! Anything!'
"Sighing my name like that! Breathing it out all low and moany-like!"
Arizona smiled. She was smiling. Callie chose to ignore that, because that was a minefield of crazy angry thoughts that'd derail this entire evening… whatever this entire evening was.
"To answer your question," huffed the brunette - "I was at Joes. I needed a break so I went with a… a" - she smiled when she said it - "a friend."
"Oh?"
'Was it just her or did Arizona sound all fake happy-real worried-totally interested?'
"Who?"
"Ummm…" 'Callie was looking at her weird - "the new guy, a Dr. Jasper Callahan, trauma? You know? After Kepner and the bus thing…"
"Yeah… yeah. Yes, Christina was saying they'd hire someone new… I just voted for whomever Bailey recommended." She said with a shrug of her shoulders. Both of them were clear on not really wanting to talk about Kepner and all that death business.
They didn't talk about it much after it happened. Another doctor dead - April Kepner's well-meaning heroics during the storm just went to show that they lived in a untiringly unfair world where no good deed went unpunished. Since then, Avery had requested a leave of absence and was still on leave, nearly a month…well twenty-four days after the incident.
Bailey had inherited Dr. Webber's stake in the hospital and with it a chair on the board, the voting privileges and administrative pain in the bootock that came with it all.
When the topic of the need to appoint a new trauma surgeon had surfaced, they'd all dumped the load on Bailey as a rite of passage, citing it as an incitation of sorts; they really just wanted to lump it on the new guy! Bailey had reluctantly risen to the occasion, but it soon became painfully evident that the brilliant general surgeon was also a power house administrator. Right now, with the tiniest stake in the hospital, that little dynamo was basically manning the entire ship.
"Right, so he came in today and we had a few cases together - a construction site debacle!" 'Yup, alright so her wife sounded inappropriately excited.' It reminded her of the Boner for Broken Bonest-shirt she'd printed for Callie early on, when they were still courting one another.
"So", Callie continued - "I showed him around while we dealt! He hated the interns; I hate the interns, so we went for a friendly drink!" The last bit came out like a challenge.
"Anyway, I'm confused Arizona. You should know. Christina said the board talked 'bout it." Surprisingly enough, Callie didn't sound bitter about not being on the board anymore. She'd signed over her stake to Arizona and even though she wasn't chasing surgeries and such like, she was more involved in the medicine and her research, and that went a long way in keeping her… well… sane; happy would be a bit of a stretch at this point.
"I haven't really been attending those…"
"Why the hell not?!"
"It feels weird… being there when… when you… without you, it feels wrong!"
"Arizona," it came out like a prayer. "Come on! We've talked about this! It's… I've asked for so little!"
"I know, okay? I…"
They heard a faint gurgle in the background. Sophia looked bored and done with the kiddies program; Dora was playing in Spanish and 'so she's found something in a tree on a mountain again! So what?!'
Arizona got up, "I'll put her to sleep and we'll talk. There's some red in the cabinet under the stove…"
"You keep alcohol under the fire where you burn your food!" 'Livid. Callie was livid.' Her mother's shriek jolted the toddler and scared her into crying.
"Great job! Now it'll take that much longer to get her to calm down!" Arizona matched her wife in anger and intensity, though she chose not to be quite so loud. "And I it keep it there so it's easier to reach and I'll…" 'Callie was giving her a look.' Just then she realised what she sounded like…"and I'll move it" - she finished lamely, all the fight leaving her body.
Twenty five minutes, two bed-time stories and a lot of humming and bum-patting later the two women found themselves enveloped in a calm silence. This time it wasn't awkward though. It was clear that the two of them were re-grouping in order to talk like rational adults.
Arizona, perched on the couch went to top up Callie's wine glass, but the Latina quickly covered her glass with her hand. It was getting late and she had to go home tonight so she thought it prudent to stop - before she got two far ahead of herself.
Callie had flat out refused to sit on the couch; intermittently eyeing the thing like it was her arch nemesis. She chose to sit on a rug on the floor instead.
"You know?" Arizona started - "this would go a lot easier if you'd have some more wine."
"Really?! That's your sage advice?!" She went on to speak in her best Arizona impression, bobbing her head for further approximation to the real deal, batting her eyelashes because she knew it'd get Arizona's goat - "Oh Callie!" - That was disturbingly close, but just a little too sing-song-y - "Let's do this tipsy!"
Arizona shrugged her shoulders - "I'm no sage. I thought we'd established as much!"
"Sooo… Jasper? He sounds nice…" Arizona droned, nose deep in her half empty wine glass. She heard a stirring and looked up from her glass. Callie had slung her bag onto her shoulder and was fishing her phone out of it; presumably to call a cab.
"What are you doing?!" - her voice was small and a little surprised at Callie's abrupt attempt at an exit.
"What does it look like, Arizona?" she huffed, exasperated and at the end of her rope. "Look I came here because you had something important to say! That's what you said on the phone! And, I'm sorry I was late, but we had a civil dinner and we did the family time thing with Sophia."
Arizona looked about ready to jump at that 'family time' comment, but the incensed brunette never gave her a chance.
"No matter, however short it was. And, I've waited patiently for you to open up, and now you're what? What are you… interrogating… insinuating?!"
"Woah! Calm down, I didn't say anything!" the blonde exclaimed. "I just wanted to know how your evening was!"
"Stop it! Just… just stop gas-lighting* me! Okay? I'm not an idiot!"
Arizona for her part began to look both shocked and guilty, which Callie found… a relief.
"You keep circling back to Dr. Callahan! In that… in that… tone! I don't know what it is about the way you're asking about him, but it's been a long day and it's rubbing me wrong." She'd started dialing the cab company and walking towards the door. "So you stop that now! I'm allowed to have friends, and I'm sorry if I'm not sulking over you and getting depressed enough to your satifac…"
"Hey! Wait a minute!" Arizona cut her off. "I don't want you depressed! How can you say something like that?! I'm not trying to spread misery!"
"Well, you could've fooled me!"
Silence.
They were breathing hard and very, very thankful for the fact that Sophia hadn't woken up because with all the loud bickering the entire apartment building must have; Sophia slept like her Ma, tiny snores and oblivious till daylight.
Arizona took a deep breath and hazarded breaking the silence - "I've begun therapy."
It was a simple statement or maybe it was a shy admission.
"Oh."
"I'm trying, Callie."
"I know. I know you are."
"Good. I needed you to know. You should know that… that I'm trying." 'God why was this so freaking hard?!'
"Okay", she said whilst re-positioning her bag on her shoulder, irritated with the fact that it kept slipping off every two seconds.
"I should still go. It's getting late." Every word was quieter than its antecedent. She pulled her phone out again to request the services of a cab company.
When Arizona realised Callie had been put on hold by the good people at 'Abraa-Cab-Daabraa!' she ventured to ask Callie a question.
"Callie?"
The brunette looked up. She was biting her lip, listening to the god awful hold music - "Hmmm?" she asked.
Arizona asked her next question with an anxious vulnerability - "will you wait up here till the cab comes? We could watch the after-hours infomercial together or whatever? You could pick something if… if that's lame."
Callie looked at her, thinking it over. She was about to speak, but then she put her hand up and talked into the phone. "Yeah, anhaan. Yes, thirty minutes suits me just fine. Thanks!" She stopped to cancel the call.
"Callie?" - Arizona looked at her; hopeful.
A hybrid of a sad and happy smile began to overtake her features as Callie whispered a tired and content "yes."
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* Gas-lighting:
(a) To tell a bald faced lie to someone and then brazenly deny that this was ever done.
(b).To tell a lie (consciously or unconsciously) without regard for whether or not you undermine another person's sanity/ perception of reality.
The above definitions are taken from www.urbandictionary.com
Gas-lighting is a real psycho-social issue that is rampant, especially in societies with patriarchal accents to them. In fact, it is one of the more subtle tools in the now more sophisticated arsenal of patriarchal dominance. On a simplistic level it can be overcome with truthful, respectful, open and honest communication (in this case) between partners to engender that kind of happiness that comes from true, hard fought and often hard won equality in any relationship.
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8
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Arizona was walking the corridors of GSM; slowly and tiredly making her way towards the doctor's lounge. During one of their more meaningless meetings, they'd all given up on being frugal and in a moment of collective madness decided that it was a good idea to buy new coffee machines for some of the staff lounges.
Thus began the great coffee war of 2013 that had interns, surgeons, and nurses all clandestinely flitting in and out of those lounges that housed the new machines. If you really thought about it, the fact that the new interns weren't coming out of on call rooms with guilty looks on their faces and reserved said guilt for prohibited coffee runs - may be they weren't that doomed after all.
Arizona huffed a little when in the distance she could make out two interns, 'wait, wait - Karev's interns. That girl with the boy's name, and that boy with a F.R.I.E.N.D.S' name!' She decided (whilst humming the tune to F.R.I.E.N.D.S) not to do anything about it and just tell Karev instead. He always looked happier when he was yelling at them anyway. She just needed the coffee, that coffee, to wind down and then wind up for the next couple of hours.
The smile was slowly stripped from her face as thoughts of Callie clouded her mind. Her wife had stopped using this particular lounge which was a bit of a hot spot for the Seattle Grace Seven when they'd all informally meet and chat with one another, table issues, and plan dinners. As odd as it felt to be in the board room without Callie, this somehow felt worse.
Between the two of them, the hospital seemed to have been divided and organised into hot and cold zones, and whilst Arizona was now dying to see Callie, and didn't care how pathetic she was being about it; 40 days after the storm Callie's initial reaction - undeniable, irrepressible anger, that battled with love and was finally laced with concern - had come to fruition - and suddenly a pinching sort of rage became the constant reading on her barometer.
Callie, seeing how unfair it was to subject Arizona to this new all-consuming fire that constantly beat behind her eyes, clearly, concisely, and with an oxymoronic abrasive politeness told her wife that she was going to keep her distance for a while.
In the meanwhile, in the hospital people had finally started to see how strained things were between them. But, they were not made privy to the extent of the damage that their marriage had incurred.
A fact that was about to change.
As she walked into the lounge, still absent minded-ly humming the chorus, all she hoped for was a bit of quiet. She mindlessly walked to the coffee machine, picking up a cup when -
"Hey" the straight laced voice of Christina Yang made her jump and comically drop the empty cup. She turned around, all accusations.
"Jesus! Yang! You scared the crap out of me!"
"Hey, hey… Calm down." Christina pushed off a little from the couch she'd been snugly sitting in. She hunched over and looked at Arizona with a serene and calm smile.
'What the hell!?'
"Why do you look like the cat that got the canary?" '…and then brutally murdered it, and psychotically wrote a novel about that murder and made millions…'
The creepy serene calm yoda face continued to grace the room.
"It's all okay Arizona… we're just going to…"
"Chistina!" came the gasp like call of Meredith Grey. Arizona jumped again for good measure and put her hand on her heart, whilst turning back to see the new intruders.
Meredith was soon joined by Derek, and Bailey. Arizona bent a little to her right to see if Avery was to follow them in. "Is there…ummm…" 'nervous. Why was she feeling so nervous?!' "…like a meeting or something and I missed the memo?"
"Come sit next to me" said Christina while she partook in some creepy, creepy smiley, and very weird and awkwardly slow-fake-serene sofa patting.
"Christina!" exclaimed Bailey, "you're scaring the poor woman!"
"She's not a poor woman!" Yang was looking at Arizona directly now. 'Damn! Could she ask her to go back to being creepy? This new expression, whatever it was, was even more unsettling.' "Are you, Robbins?" 'Yup, she's made the shift from 'Arizona' to 'Robbins', she was about to be in some weird intervention type group mauling.'
Arizona decided to go on the defensive, "what do you mean Yang?" She said it whilst she narrowed her eyes and she said it like she meant business.
"Just that. You aren't a poor woman! Why did Callie sign her piece of the pie over to you tuts?!"
"Chritina! Try not to enjoy this so freaking much!"
"Mer, come on! There was a noir marathon yesterday!"
Bailey was busy watching Arizona get paler and paler, and decided to put an end to the all the bush beating - "Hey! Tweedle dee? Tweedle dumb? How about we…you know? Get back to the issue at hand?! Here…" she led Arizona to the single-seater, not missing how Yang's face fell a little.
"Shepherd, get the woman some coffee."
The room went silent for a bit as they all shuffled in and got comfortable. Over the last few months and numerous meetings, this group of people had got a rhythm down. They'd all always gotten along fine in their ORs and work related strategy meetings. But, then something huge happened to them, and through that tragedy they found that they'd all lucked into owning this place together, running this place together. Whether it was good luck or bad was still something all of them were yet to agree on.
They waited till Arizona took a sip from her coffee cup and then as she looked up, she saw four faces silently and simultaneously drawing breath; the inquisition was about to commence.
She had to take control before this became the office of Dr. Doolittle. She put her hand out, palm up towards them, "One person at a time, one question at a time, and before you start?!" She glared at them threateningly - "What's between me and Callie?" her tone was getting increasingly and incredibly clipped, which caused Meredith to grimace and Yang to scoff, whilst Derek and Bailey looked on, interested. "Is between me and Callie!"
"Alright!" Derek said, making a show of truce by clapping his hands together and rubbing them. "I can see you won't answer any questions. So? Bailey? Christina? Mother of my children?!"
But he was cut short…"ugh! Derek don't be so peppy!" Christina made a show of fake projectile vomiting.
"Ladies, let's just go! Okay?! It's none of our business!"
"Yeah!" Arizona chimed in "not everyone has a three-way marriage like you guys!" 'Why was she picking a fight?! Derek would've gotten them all outside the door and back to work! She'd be fine, Callie'd be fine!'
"Hey! Not too long ago your baby had two moms and a dad; you wanna talk three-way marriages?! Just go back a year!" 'Freaking Yang!'
"I would love to go back a year!"
Bailey broke it up, "hey!" she pointed at Yang "take a seat and shut your face, or so help me…"
"Fine, whatever, I have surgery anyway!" Yang went for a prompt exit… but stopped, abruptly turned back at them - "no, you know what?!" She honest to God chuckled some. "You did something Arizona, I don't know what, but we're going to find out anyway! Eventually, everything here hangs on the wind! But, whatever it was, Callie should be here! We did this because of her! She came in all a-pleading, bright-eyed and what not and swindled us all into dreaming big! Bigger! And this may be personal, and I don't really care what happened, but she should… she should be here…" She finished lamely, looking down and scuffing her shoe when her pager went off. She started off at a ridiculous speed but they'd already heard an "oh, thank God!" whispered into the wind.
The room was silent.
"Christina Yang just professed her eternal love for Torres." Derek smirked.
Arizona looked back at him, a little shocked, but with a slight and sad smile on her face - "You know Derek, most days, I miss Mark. Not a lot, because that wasn't our thing, but then of late you seem to make me miss him less… That was totally a Mark thing to say."
The flabbergasted look on Derek face was just about to become a real source of unbridled joy for Arizona when Meredith spoke up from the couch.
"You know she's about to be awarded a grant right?"
Arizona looked on, a little confused, "who, Yang?"
"No, Callie."
"What are you talking about?!"
"You didn't know?!"
Seeing how lost and nauseated Arizona looked, Bailey decided to take over the conversation - "It's true."
"When? When did she…"
"Maybe a week ago? She's gotten in touch with a lot of people after TED. Her work's incredible! You know that!"
"Of course I know!" Arizona bit back. "What do they… what is…"
Just then Dr. Callahan burst through the door at a full sprint - "Dr. Robbins?! Trauma bay four! I need you, stat!" And with as little ceremony as his entry saw, so he exited without a second word.
Arizona looked at all of them - "this isn't over, Bai…"
The short woman cut her off "I think we've said too much already. Arizona, talk to your wife," she said those last words in a meaningful whisper, and with a nod, she walked out.
Arizona's eyes followed her out, then she looked back up at Shepherd and Grey.
"You should go." Shepherd spoke up.
"I'm sorry, Ari…"
"Save it Grey!" the blonde's bark cut her off as she briskly started out towards the trauma bays, her mind far from all things medical.
On reaching Trauma bay four, Arizona found that she was irate with the sight she was met with. When she pulled the curtain she saw her wife and Dr. Callahan sitting on the bed, smiling and chatting away to glory.
"Oh, Dr. Robbins" he greeted her with a smile. 'What was he waiting for?! A hi back?!'
Callahan read the room, becoming painfully aware of the awkward air around them. Not one to stick around in tense situations, especially when he wasn't really party to it, he thought it prudent to leave.
"Callie?" he looked at her with a sympathetic smile, he knew what was coming…well at least that it wasn't going to be good… "I'll meet you later, we have to go over the Farello case?"
"Yeah, sure." She said. Throwing a "thanks again!" at the back of his head as he left.
"You two looked cosy!" Arizona said it in that acerbically saccharine sweet manner that made Callie want to claw at her own eyes.
"Not this again!" Callie said, as she exasperatedly jumped off the bed.
"What am I doing in the trauma bay without a trauma to work on?! Is this some new form of torture or punishment?!" All the screaming was making Arizona's veins pop.
Callie looked on, slack jawed, and unsure of what was going on or what to say.
"Oh come on Callie! I cheat on you and so you find the next hunky Mark-impostor and make me watch while you chat him up and smile around him?! While you have all your happy moments with him and tell me about them later in the tense silence of my separate apartment?!
"Did you… are you… Did you sleep with him Callie?!"
Callie lost her breath - "what?"
"Answer me!" It was loud, jaded, and it was painful.
Callie's eyes were red rimmed from holding in her tears. 'Arizona did not deserve her crying over her right now.'
"You cheated…" Callie hissed - "you cheated and so now you see cheating everywhere!" She began walking towards her wife, almost threateningly.
"And there's no trauma here"- she pushed the blonde in the chest…a light push whilst taking a step forward herself as they both got nearer to the closed curtain - "because I've lived with Christina Yang, and she was asking me things, and I know when she's trying to be subtle." Another push, another collective step towards the curtain. "And, I was with Jasper because he's my friend" she made sure to loudly emphasis the word, "and he agreed to go rescue you, no questions asked by the way, from what I thought would be the camp fire where they'd roast the pig!"
She couldn't hold it in any longer, Callie quickly wiped at her face and gave Arizona a final shove as they both tumbled out of the curtained safety of the trauma bay - "because that's what you are Arizona!"
Now loud and resounding - "A lying, cheating pig!"
And, as the two broke eye contact and looked up and around them, they saw their friends, their colleagues and their students; some had their mouths open, some had their hand covering their mouths, eyes wide, everyone - looking at them.
Callie took in the scene, whilst Arizona had eyes only for Callie. She saw her lower lip tremble now, her body was rigid, and she knew what came next. She stood there rooted to her spot as Callie began sobbing, her hands covering her mouth, her eyes pinched closed, and then her brave and gorgeous and generous wife ran, ducking for cover and dignity, away from the prying and spying eyes of the people closest to them.
She wanted to follow Callie but she realised that she'd just stripped Callie bare and left her naked in front of everyone. Callie wasn't running from them anymore, she was running from her.