hard times for hard ons
(the doorman recovers from catching a beating)
INT. ARNIE’S APARTMENT
Later that night Arnie’s staring at his badly swollen face in the mirror. There are scratches on his nose and cheek, and one eye is swollen shut. He goes to the bathroom, pisses blood. He bends down and peers into the bowl. The phone rings. It’s his signal, two rings, and then the person hangs up. The phone rings again, he answers it, it’s Gene.
GENE
I can’t believe you answered my call, you’re breaking some kind of record, you never pick up the phone.
ARNIE
(sounding weak, sick)
I pick it up when I’m here or when I hear it it’s just that a lot of the times I’m not here or I’m in a part of the house where I can’t really hear it.
GENE
Well I’m in shock. I’m gonna get a pen and write it down on the wall. Maybe it’s the rain. Is that why you’re inside? I know you’re usually Mr. Party Pants, that’s why I can never get you on the phone.
ARNIE
Listen Gene, I had a bit of a rough night, you know, I’m not really looking to make small talk right now.
GENE
This isn’t small talk. It’s big talk.
ARNIE
Small talk, big talk, it’s all the same. You know, I don’t want you to think I’m being rude, because I’m not, I like when people call because I like to be an outgoing person, to chatter and you know see how things are and how things are going, so don’t think that it’s that, it’s just that it’s late, and I’m tired and you know, I have a little headache.
GENE
Oh yeah, headaches are big this time of year.
ARNIE
So I got one of those big time season headaches, you know, so I think it’s really better if I go over there and rest, because I wanna listen to you, I wanna give you a hundred percent of my attention, it’s just that right now, in the state that I am in, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able do it. You deserve that, you know, and I don’t wanna give you any less than you deserve, because if I was talking to somebody and I knew they were really sick and not able to pay attention, well, you know, I would feel bad because I’d really want them to be focusing on what I’m saying, because if I’m taking the time to talk then it must be important for me to be heard.
GENE
Alright, then, I won’t tell ya, if you need to rest, I won’t bother ya with it.
ARNIE
Bother me with what?
GENE
No no. Get your rest. I’ll take care of it, you know, I thought you’d like to know, because it’s appropriate for you to know, but if you’d rather rest, then rest. I’ll just tell it to you later on.
ARNIE
Awww Gene you can’t do that to me!
GENE
Who’s doing anything to you? You’re doing it to yourself, you sit here and make a big show of telling me how much you need to rest how you don’t feel well. . . .
ARNIE
(interrupting)
I don’t feel well.
GENE
Right, you don’t feel well, so I don’t think I should say what I have to say because it’s gonna take some time for me to tell it. So goodnight, go rest.
ARNIE
GENE, you can’t put me on the spot like that, you know, alright, let me take it back. If I was calling someone and they didn’t feel good I would want them to rest, but if I had something important to tell them, well then I think it would be better to just tell them, because you don’t know, if someone needs to know something bad, you should let them know, because that time where they don’t that’s time wasted, time wasted where they could be using the information for what they’re supposed to use it for.
GENE
I think the timing is not quite right right now.
ARNIE
Aww Gene. Cut it out. Ya know it’s not fair to do that to someone.
GENE
Who’s doing anything?
ARNIE
You’re sitting there acting like you got some important piece of information and then you tell me to go rest and relax without telling it to me, who the hell would be able to relax not knowing what they got hanging over their own head?
GENE
It’s nothing. You don’t have anything hanging over your head. You know, rest. Go, you’re sick. I’ll talk to you when I talk to you.
Arnie, fuming, takes the phone and slams it against the table a few times. He slowly brings it back to his ear, winces from the pain of it touching his face.
ARNIE
Sorry, I dropped the phone.
GENE
You see you must be really exhausted then, if you’re dropping phones, it’s not like you. You usually don’t drop anything.
INT. ARNIE’S APARTMENT
Later that night Arnie’s staring at his badly swollen face in the mirror. There are scratches on his nose and cheek, and one eye is swollen shut. He goes to the bathroom, pisses blood. He bends down and peers into the bowl. The phone rings. It’s his signal, two rings, and then the person hangs up. The phone rings again, he answers it, it’s Gene.
GENE
I can’t believe you answered my call, you’re breaking some kind of record, you never pick up the phone.
ARNIE
(sounding weak, sick)
I pick it up when I’m here or when I hear it it’s just that a lot of the times I’m not here or I’m in a part of the house where I can’t really hear it.
GENE
Well I’m in shock. I’m gonna get a pen and write it down on the wall. Maybe it’s the rain. Is that why you’re inside? I know you’re usually Mr. Party Pants, that’s why I can never get you on the phone.
ARNIE
Listen Gene, I had a bit of a rough night, you know, I’m not really looking to make small talk right now.
GENE
This isn’t small talk. It’s big talk.
ARNIE
Small talk, big talk, it’s all the same. You know, I don’t want you to think I’m being rude, because I’m not, I like when people call because I like to be an outgoing person, to chatter and you know see how things are and how things are going, so don’t think that it’s that, it’s just that it’s late, and I’m tired and you know, I have a little headache.
GENE
Oh yeah, headaches are big this time of year.
ARNIE
So I got one of those big time season headaches, you know, so I think it’s really better if I go over there and rest, because I wanna listen to you, I wanna give you a hundred percent of my attention, it’s just that right now, in the state that I am in, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able do it. You deserve that, you know, and I don’t wanna give you any less than you deserve, because if I was talking to somebody and I knew they were really sick and not able to pay attention, well, you know, I would feel bad because I’d really want them to be focusing on what I’m saying, because if I’m taking the time to talk then it must be important for me to be heard.
GENE
Alright, then, I won’t tell ya, if you need to rest, I won’t bother ya with it.
ARNIE
Bother me with what?
GENE
No no. Get your rest. I’ll take care of it, you know, I thought you’d like to know, because it’s appropriate for you to know, but if you’d rather rest, then rest. I’ll just tell it to you later on.
ARNIE
Awww Gene you can’t do that to me!
GENE
Who’s doing anything to you? You’re doing it to yourself, you sit here and make a big show of telling me how much you need to rest how you don’t feel well. . . .
ARNIE
(interrupting)
I don’t feel well.
GENE
Right, you don’t feel well, so I don’t think I should say what I have to say because it’s gonna take some time for me to tell it. So goodnight, go rest.
ARNIE
GENE, you can’t put me on the spot like that, you know, alright, let me take it back. If I was calling someone and they didn’t feel good I would want them to rest, but if I had something important to tell them, well then I think it would be better to just tell them, because you don’t know, if someone needs to know something bad, you should let them know, because that time where they don’t that’s time wasted, time wasted where they could be using the information for what they’re supposed to use it for.
GENE
I think the timing is not quite right right now.
ARNIE
Aww Gene. Cut it out. Ya know it’s not fair to do that to someone.
GENE
Who’s doing anything?
ARNIE
You’re sitting there acting like you got some important piece of information and then you tell me to go rest and relax without telling it to me, who the hell would be able to relax not knowing what they got hanging over their own head?
GENE
It’s nothing. You don’t have anything hanging over your head. You know, rest. Go, you’re sick. I’ll talk to you when I talk to you.
Arnie, fuming, takes the phone and slams it against the table a few times. He slowly brings it back to his ear, winces from the pain of it touching his face.
ARNIE
Sorry, I dropped the phone.
GENE
You see you must be really exhausted then, if you’re dropping phones, it’s not like you. You usually don’t drop anything.