it's been a while since we smiled
EXT. SONNY’S BACK PORCH
Sonny is smoking a cigarette outside, Arnie, as usual, is the attentive supportive friend.
SONNY
I think it went pretty well, all things considered, wouldn’t ya say?
ARNIE
No yeah, Sonny, it was fantastic, you know, I’m really proud of ya, it couldn’t have gone better even in your dreams.
SONNY
I mean, ok, my brother, douchebag that he is, he got all offended about me making that crack about my grandmother mistaking the hemmrhoid cream for the toothpaste, but you know, if she was still alive you think she’d give a fuck about me telling that story? The woman has an even worse trailer mouth than me, I mean who the fuck do you think taught me to artfully use the word Fuck, the way I do.
ARNIE
You’re right, you’re right, your grandmother, boy, she could curse with the best of them, let me tell you.
SONNY
But you know I know exactly, what it is with him, it’s the same thing it’s always been.
ARNIE
What’s that?
SONNY
He’s jealous, as usual. And you know, now that things seem to be taking off for me with this whole improv thing, you know, it’s fuckin killing him. I can see, in his eyes, it’s like he can barely stand to look at me, the envious cocksucking prick.
ARNIE
It’s not right, you know, he should be supportive, you know the two of yas, you come from the same mother. . . .
SONNY
Supportive, are you kidding me? That cocksucker’s been undermining me my entire fuckin life. I tell ya what, when the checks start rolling in, if he thinks he sees anything, even if him and that slob of a wife he’s got put together enough cum to throw out a kid, he can fuckin forget it. Really. Who the fuck needs him.
ARNIE
Hey you know, you shouldn’t let him get to ya, you know, you got great material, you know, you really do, I mean, even if he doesn’t like part of it, it doesn’t matter you know, when we start rehearsing on Tuesday, forget it, they’re gonna love ya. They really are.
SONNY
No, I know, I’m on fire, since we got that call back, every time I don’t got someone in the cab, you know, I’m going over lines, taking notes, you know. I got my tits back. I really do, and you know. I think things are gonna be changing for me really soon.
ARNIE
It’s just great, I’m so happy for you really, you’re writing again, you know, you’re so talented. I’m proud, of ya.
SONNY
No I’m gonna go in there Tuesday with guns blazing you know, I know I’ve been, you know, reluctant, to say the least, about putting this material out there over the years, but you know I’ve been polishing, boy, I’ve been polishing like crazy, because I was waiting for the right time. But you know what, now, I figure what the fuck. She said they got agents crawling through the place every fuckin week, you know, I’m gonna let it all out there, forget it. What do I have to lose?
ARNIE
You got nothing to lose, and you wanna know why, you’re gonna knock em dead, that’s why.
SONNY
Like a house on fire!
ARNIE
I’ll be scooping them up off the floor they’ll be laughing so hard, you just watch.
SONNY
Oh you know, and I mean, you know, the thing is once I get going with this skies the limit, we’ll be peeling bitches off the ceiling. BECAUSE YOU KNOW, better than everybody, NOTHING MAKES A PUSSY SWEAT like success.
ARNIE
Yeah, no, I know?
SONNY
I mean, why the fuck do you think you’re still a fuckin virgin? Losers get no tail. Plain and simple. I mean, yes, you dress like a slob and you got a face that would bring a rat to tears, but all things considered, there are plenty of cocksuckers out there way worse off than you who still manage to get a taste of tit when they want it. So it’s gotta be your shit station in life that’s kept ya humping the doggy pillow all these years.
ARNIE
You know Sonny, you’re not quite right with what you’re saying, I mean, I know ya think you know everything there is to know about me, but sometimes, you know, you’re wrong, you don’t know everything about me. I may have never done sex but you know there are a lot of things besides that and I done plenty, believe me, I have.
SONNY
Well, oh yeah, you’re right. I forgot, you got to third with your mother the night of my wedding. You know, I give you credit for that one, the way you were pouring the champagne down her throat all night, it was the right move. You know, you loosened her up. If I wanted to fuck my mother I would have done the same thing.
ARNIE
Listen, you know, I’m gonna ignore that last comment, you know, because I’m happy for you, that you’re writing and you’re doing your routines again, you know. But drop it. OK.
SONNY
No but seriously, you know, once we get going with this, I’ll finally be able to get into orgies, and you know, better than anyone, I mean, how long have I been telling you, that’s what I’ve been waiting for. I mean, forget it, if I’m peeling bitches of the ceiling the way it’s looking like it’s gonna be I may even punt some trim in your direction. It’ll be good to see you finally turn into a man.
ARNIE
Yeah, gee thanks. Listen, do me a favor, just treat me to a slice of pizza everyone once in a while, I’ll get the trim on my own.
The phone inside is ringing and ringing.
SONNY
What the fuck is going on in there? Everybody’s ignoring the phone. MA! MA! What the fuck is wrong with you, can’t anyone answer the fucking phone.
Sonny storms in the house. Arnie watches through the window.
INT. SONNY’S KITCHEN
Sonny’s mother picks up the phone and hands it off to Sonny.
SONNY
(on the phone)
Yeah. . . uh-huh. . .I told you the old bag was acting like a douche, what the fuck do you want me to do about it. . . .really, well let me tell ya a few things ya fat prick. . . no I’m serious, I’ve about fucking had it with you and your piece of shit attitude, and you know what, I’m not gonna fuckin take it anymore. You call me at home to break my balls about some shit bag fare bitching about me smoking in the cab. Hey you know what BABE. FUCK YOU. I’m your best fuckin driver, and you know what it’s time you start treating me that way. . . .uh-huh. . . really, is that so. Well you know what then. You MARGEE, LOUIE THE BEAST, all of ya, the whole lot of degenerate douche bag slobs can take my cab and shove it up your ass. I don’t need any of ya’s anymore. Tell you and all the rest of them, go fuck yourselves. I hope you spend eternity itching your fat pimply ass in hell you miserable fuck.
He slams down the phone. Everyone is staring at him. They’re stunned. His mother starts to yell at him, his wife is crying, Arnie rushes in.
Sonny is smoking a cigarette outside, Arnie, as usual, is the attentive supportive friend.
SONNY
I think it went pretty well, all things considered, wouldn’t ya say?
ARNIE
No yeah, Sonny, it was fantastic, you know, I’m really proud of ya, it couldn’t have gone better even in your dreams.
SONNY
I mean, ok, my brother, douchebag that he is, he got all offended about me making that crack about my grandmother mistaking the hemmrhoid cream for the toothpaste, but you know, if she was still alive you think she’d give a fuck about me telling that story? The woman has an even worse trailer mouth than me, I mean who the fuck do you think taught me to artfully use the word Fuck, the way I do.
ARNIE
You’re right, you’re right, your grandmother, boy, she could curse with the best of them, let me tell you.
SONNY
But you know I know exactly, what it is with him, it’s the same thing it’s always been.
ARNIE
What’s that?
SONNY
He’s jealous, as usual. And you know, now that things seem to be taking off for me with this whole improv thing, you know, it’s fuckin killing him. I can see, in his eyes, it’s like he can barely stand to look at me, the envious cocksucking prick.
ARNIE
It’s not right, you know, he should be supportive, you know the two of yas, you come from the same mother. . . .
SONNY
Supportive, are you kidding me? That cocksucker’s been undermining me my entire fuckin life. I tell ya what, when the checks start rolling in, if he thinks he sees anything, even if him and that slob of a wife he’s got put together enough cum to throw out a kid, he can fuckin forget it. Really. Who the fuck needs him.
ARNIE
Hey you know, you shouldn’t let him get to ya, you know, you got great material, you know, you really do, I mean, even if he doesn’t like part of it, it doesn’t matter you know, when we start rehearsing on Tuesday, forget it, they’re gonna love ya. They really are.
SONNY
No, I know, I’m on fire, since we got that call back, every time I don’t got someone in the cab, you know, I’m going over lines, taking notes, you know. I got my tits back. I really do, and you know. I think things are gonna be changing for me really soon.
ARNIE
It’s just great, I’m so happy for you really, you’re writing again, you know, you’re so talented. I’m proud, of ya.
SONNY
No I’m gonna go in there Tuesday with guns blazing you know, I know I’ve been, you know, reluctant, to say the least, about putting this material out there over the years, but you know I’ve been polishing, boy, I’ve been polishing like crazy, because I was waiting for the right time. But you know what, now, I figure what the fuck. She said they got agents crawling through the place every fuckin week, you know, I’m gonna let it all out there, forget it. What do I have to lose?
ARNIE
You got nothing to lose, and you wanna know why, you’re gonna knock em dead, that’s why.
SONNY
Like a house on fire!
ARNIE
I’ll be scooping them up off the floor they’ll be laughing so hard, you just watch.
SONNY
Oh you know, and I mean, you know, the thing is once I get going with this skies the limit, we’ll be peeling bitches off the ceiling. BECAUSE YOU KNOW, better than everybody, NOTHING MAKES A PUSSY SWEAT like success.
ARNIE
Yeah, no, I know?
SONNY
I mean, why the fuck do you think you’re still a fuckin virgin? Losers get no tail. Plain and simple. I mean, yes, you dress like a slob and you got a face that would bring a rat to tears, but all things considered, there are plenty of cocksuckers out there way worse off than you who still manage to get a taste of tit when they want it. So it’s gotta be your shit station in life that’s kept ya humping the doggy pillow all these years.
ARNIE
You know Sonny, you’re not quite right with what you’re saying, I mean, I know ya think you know everything there is to know about me, but sometimes, you know, you’re wrong, you don’t know everything about me. I may have never done sex but you know there are a lot of things besides that and I done plenty, believe me, I have.
SONNY
Well, oh yeah, you’re right. I forgot, you got to third with your mother the night of my wedding. You know, I give you credit for that one, the way you were pouring the champagne down her throat all night, it was the right move. You know, you loosened her up. If I wanted to fuck my mother I would have done the same thing.
ARNIE
Listen, you know, I’m gonna ignore that last comment, you know, because I’m happy for you, that you’re writing and you’re doing your routines again, you know. But drop it. OK.
SONNY
No but seriously, you know, once we get going with this, I’ll finally be able to get into orgies, and you know, better than anyone, I mean, how long have I been telling you, that’s what I’ve been waiting for. I mean, forget it, if I’m peeling bitches of the ceiling the way it’s looking like it’s gonna be I may even punt some trim in your direction. It’ll be good to see you finally turn into a man.
ARNIE
Yeah, gee thanks. Listen, do me a favor, just treat me to a slice of pizza everyone once in a while, I’ll get the trim on my own.
The phone inside is ringing and ringing.
SONNY
What the fuck is going on in there? Everybody’s ignoring the phone. MA! MA! What the fuck is wrong with you, can’t anyone answer the fucking phone.
Sonny storms in the house. Arnie watches through the window.
INT. SONNY’S KITCHEN
Sonny’s mother picks up the phone and hands it off to Sonny.
SONNY
(on the phone)
Yeah. . . uh-huh. . .I told you the old bag was acting like a douche, what the fuck do you want me to do about it. . . .really, well let me tell ya a few things ya fat prick. . . no I’m serious, I’ve about fucking had it with you and your piece of shit attitude, and you know what, I’m not gonna fuckin take it anymore. You call me at home to break my balls about some shit bag fare bitching about me smoking in the cab. Hey you know what BABE. FUCK YOU. I’m your best fuckin driver, and you know what it’s time you start treating me that way. . . .uh-huh. . . really, is that so. Well you know what then. You MARGEE, LOUIE THE BEAST, all of ya, the whole lot of degenerate douche bag slobs can take my cab and shove it up your ass. I don’t need any of ya’s anymore. Tell you and all the rest of them, go fuck yourselves. I hope you spend eternity itching your fat pimply ass in hell you miserable fuck.
He slams down the phone. Everyone is staring at him. They’re stunned. His mother starts to yell at him, his wife is crying, Arnie rushes in.