Well...
While I'm waiting for Mikeface to get back from work, I sit here wandering why it's been so long since I posted in my journal. There's no reason, really, I just havn't had the urge. I open up all my journal peoples links every day, read them, and I stare at my own journal, and don't post. It's stupid, really, but oh well.
An update on the Chrissy-one. She got into a car wreck about a week or so ago, but is doing fine. The van was totalled, so we're driving a rental right now that the other guy (stupid guy) insurance people are paying for. Oh, and I'm quitting my job soon. I'm looking for another one, but right this very second I don't muchly care. I have -3- more 9 (1 hour lunch) hour work days left before I get to leave early Tuesday morning for California. I work Fri-Sunday, am off Monday...in which time I'll spend packing, buying stuff for my trip, and changing my current ticket to the correct date of leaving.
So, I'll get in Cali Wednesday night! I can't wait to hang out with Mikeface. He's so adorable and fun, and he's amazingly romantic. He's shy, though, like me, so I imagine we'll be mutually blushing quite a bit at first. I'll have to wear my new sexy outfit out to dinner that night, but hopefully I can buy my spiffy skirt before I go down there. I'd like to look really nice when we go out, so that when people look at me, they're impressed with him...I want to look good for him.
I know he'll think I'm pretty no matter what I wear, but I want him to look at me and think I'm beautiful, or something...I dunno. I get flutters in my tummy at times, because something about him just makes me smile and blush. I love thinking about him and talking about him...I don't know what it is about him that just makes me so happy even though I've never met him or spent time with him.
Last night, we talked on the phone for about 45 minutes, skirting a 'special' subject that makes us both blush. I fell asleep seconds after we got off the phone. I wasn't even tired...just content and happy. Athyr says it's because he's the type of guy I'm suppoused to date, and I believe her, yet I still worry. I'm just trying so hard not to rush into it, for his sake and my own. I know I'm not 100% ready -right- now to be commited to him or anyone else. I want to spend time with him, to snuggle him, to get to know him before I can make that decision.
I'm also really worried about hurting him. I mean, I don't have the best reputation when it comes to being a great girlfriend, and I'm so, so scared I'm going to do something to fuck it up. Wow, I think I'm going to start crying. I think the worst part is that I can't explain any of this to him. I don't want him to think I'm stupid, or think I'm expecting him to be with me or something. I just..want to be close to him, as close as I can, for as long as he wants me. I can't stop wishing that he'd never, ever want to get rid of me, but I can't help but think that someday, he will...or I'll do something, and he'll hate me forever.
Okay, well...before I start crying, let me change the subject. Today was very long and tiring at work, and my feet hurt like hell. I can't do anything with them to make them stop hurting right now. Just wish I had one of those neat bubbley foot massager thingees. I want to get a paumice stone to scrub the bottom of them before I go to Cali to see him. I'm sure he'll end up rubbing my feet, and they're so gross...I want them to be smooth and pretty and...ya know, girly instead of rough when it comes to him touching them. I'd like to be able to lay down and have him rub or touch every part of my body, even my feet, without me freaking out about me not being good enough for him.
*rocks lightly* He's going to read this, ya know...as soon as I post it. He'll either refresh until I'm done, or he'll just know when I'm done, or he'll read it as soon as I tell him. Oh well, maybe he needs to...maybe it's better for him to know how I think and feel, to know how broken parts of me are before he gets too close to me.
I don't want him to get hurt...think that's what I worry about the most, is him getting hurt. He deserves a girl that's going to love him unconditionally, with no mental, emotional, or physical restraints...and I'm just not sure I can yet. Maybe he can help me get over it all, what's left of it that is...the remnants inside of me that make me unwhole and damaged, and unable to fully enjoy the extreme pleasure of being utterly, undoubtedly, fully in love. Or, maybe, I've just never truly felt that way before, and it was all just simulated extreme love that I felt, a certan amount of pleasure on the emotional and physical level, but not a deep connection.
I'm going to say goodbye now, though, my friends...because I'm starting to upset myself again. I'll try to update more often, as my trip comes closer and my life changes...probably update alot in Cali, or after Cali...either way.
An update on the Chrissy-one. She got into a car wreck about a week or so ago, but is doing fine. The van was totalled, so we're driving a rental right now that the other guy (stupid guy) insurance people are paying for. Oh, and I'm quitting my job soon. I'm looking for another one, but right this very second I don't muchly care. I have -3- more 9 (1 hour lunch) hour work days left before I get to leave early Tuesday morning for California. I work Fri-Sunday, am off Monday...in which time I'll spend packing, buying stuff for my trip, and changing my current ticket to the correct date of leaving.
So, I'll get in Cali Wednesday night! I can't wait to hang out with Mikeface. He's so adorable and fun, and he's amazingly romantic. He's shy, though, like me, so I imagine we'll be mutually blushing quite a bit at first. I'll have to wear my new sexy outfit out to dinner that night, but hopefully I can buy my spiffy skirt before I go down there. I'd like to look really nice when we go out, so that when people look at me, they're impressed with him...I want to look good for him.
I know he'll think I'm pretty no matter what I wear, but I want him to look at me and think I'm beautiful, or something...I dunno. I get flutters in my tummy at times, because something about him just makes me smile and blush. I love thinking about him and talking about him...I don't know what it is about him that just makes me so happy even though I've never met him or spent time with him.
Last night, we talked on the phone for about 45 minutes, skirting a 'special' subject that makes us both blush. I fell asleep seconds after we got off the phone. I wasn't even tired...just content and happy. Athyr says it's because he's the type of guy I'm suppoused to date, and I believe her, yet I still worry. I'm just trying so hard not to rush into it, for his sake and my own. I know I'm not 100% ready -right- now to be commited to him or anyone else. I want to spend time with him, to snuggle him, to get to know him before I can make that decision.
I'm also really worried about hurting him. I mean, I don't have the best reputation when it comes to being a great girlfriend, and I'm so, so scared I'm going to do something to fuck it up. Wow, I think I'm going to start crying. I think the worst part is that I can't explain any of this to him. I don't want him to think I'm stupid, or think I'm expecting him to be with me or something. I just..want to be close to him, as close as I can, for as long as he wants me. I can't stop wishing that he'd never, ever want to get rid of me, but I can't help but think that someday, he will...or I'll do something, and he'll hate me forever.
Okay, well...before I start crying, let me change the subject. Today was very long and tiring at work, and my feet hurt like hell. I can't do anything with them to make them stop hurting right now. Just wish I had one of those neat bubbley foot massager thingees. I want to get a paumice stone to scrub the bottom of them before I go to Cali to see him. I'm sure he'll end up rubbing my feet, and they're so gross...I want them to be smooth and pretty and...ya know, girly instead of rough when it comes to him touching them. I'd like to be able to lay down and have him rub or touch every part of my body, even my feet, without me freaking out about me not being good enough for him.
*rocks lightly* He's going to read this, ya know...as soon as I post it. He'll either refresh until I'm done, or he'll just know when I'm done, or he'll read it as soon as I tell him. Oh well, maybe he needs to...maybe it's better for him to know how I think and feel, to know how broken parts of me are before he gets too close to me.
I don't want him to get hurt...think that's what I worry about the most, is him getting hurt. He deserves a girl that's going to love him unconditionally, with no mental, emotional, or physical restraints...and I'm just not sure I can yet. Maybe he can help me get over it all, what's left of it that is...the remnants inside of me that make me unwhole and damaged, and unable to fully enjoy the extreme pleasure of being utterly, undoubtedly, fully in love. Or, maybe, I've just never truly felt that way before, and it was all just simulated extreme love that I felt, a certan amount of pleasure on the emotional and physical level, but not a deep connection.
I'm going to say goodbye now, though, my friends...because I'm starting to upset myself again. I'll try to update more often, as my trip comes closer and my life changes...probably update alot in Cali, or after Cali...either way.