Fic : Drastic Measures

[parttime_job]

Title: Drastic Measures
Pairing: Naruto/Minato
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Falling in love with your father? Not exactly the best thing that could happen with you. It'll be a journey full of stress and heartbreak. That's the norm anyway. But then, Naruto's never been normal at all, nor has his father been normal, too.
Note/s: Er, humorous and AU approach to NaruMina. Positively no drama at all. I think. Or, wait. Come to think of it... Never mind then~ Written for kaikouken/Kai-puu/Mommy.


It was dark outside. It also seemed as if the most terrible of breezes were blowing outside, as seen by the almost terrifying act of trees somewhat bending. Namikaze Minato clutched his pocket where his phone was in. He closed his eyes and opened them once again when he felt a small tug on his right pant. He looked down and saw his four-year-old child.

Only his now.

Naruto beamed at him and held out a board game.

"While we're waiting for mommy, let's play!" the little boy cheerfully said.

Minato cracked a smile and patted Naruto's head.

"Okay," he said. He hoped that he didn't sound odd. Then again, Naruto was also just as oblivious as his wife.

Naruto took his father's hand and led the way to the place he deemed suitable for their game. It was the living room, of course. He'd always been fond of the place. Though Minato wasn't quite sure if it was because that was where Naruto was usually fed ramen.

And the boy really liked ramen. Almost to the point where his parents could think that he loved it. Then again, that wasn't quite odd as his mother was also rather crazy about ramen.

Minato could only think what was so special about it as even before they were dating, he'd already noticed that Kushina treated it like some sort of gift from the gods. Then again, traits like those were exactly what endeared her to him. She was special that way.

He was reminiscing, wasn't he? He inwardly groaned. That was not a good sign. Soon, his thoughts would come to play on his face and then even Naruto would notice that something was wrong.

"Mommy's really late today," Naruto said as he set their game.

"She is," Minato said.

Naruto chose the wrong time to become a smart boy.

"I want her to come home," he continued.

But Kushina can't come home anymore! That was what was screaming and being repeated over and over again in Minato's mind. He answered with "I do, too," and hoped that he honestly didn't sound weird. "You're up pretty late, too, Naruto," he continued. It had been said that he was pretty good with changing the subject. If it could work with older people, it would certainly also work with his own son.

Naruto just wasn't ready for the truth yet. At least not tonight. Perhaps tomorrow. When the day was brighter as Naruto's moods almost always went with the weather.

"Shit. I'm in love with my father," Naruto said.

With Naruto, revelations often, if not always, came suddenly. It also often came at the oddest of times. A perfect example of that would be while he was eating ice cream, he finally realized that Sakura-chan would never come to love him the way he loved her. And the ice cream wasn't even in any color that he associated with her.

And right now, the revelation that he was probably in love with his father had come to him while he was murdering pancakes. It was well known that he hadn't the slightest bit of cooking skills and that he usually burned their kitchen (either figuratively or otherwise).

Minato often woke up extremely early - not that he'd always woken up early as that was also the case with Kushina - just to be able to save their kitchen from the wrath of his son. He didn't like waking up to the smell of anything burning at all, much less cleaning up the kitchen after the whole mess. He loved his son, he really did, but there were just these times that he had to be strict, too.

Unfortunately, he'd spent the whole night working on some project assigned to his department. In fact, he'd just arrived from work three hours ago.

But then, it wasn't as if his survival instincts could merely not heed what he was smelling.

He woke up in a panic. His bloodshot eyes roamed around the room, trying to find out the source of the putrid smell. Something was burning. He jumped out of his bed and was nearly tripped by the blanket he'd managed to wound around himself throughout the short time that he'd been asleep. He was thinking, Please, please let Naruto be safe!, nonstop.

"Naruto!" he shouted.

He went down the stairs and that was where he received "In the kitchen!" as a form of reply.

Minato panicked even more.

"Drop the pan, turn off the stove, and back away from the food!"

Naruto snorted, temporarily forgetting the truth that had dawned upon him a mere few minutes ago. He did as his father told him and sat on one of the kitchen chairs. There was no need for his father to get a heart attack simply because he'd tried to actually cook something.

"Old man, you need more sleep," he said.

Minato arrived inside the kitchen and looked rather relieved to see his son away from the stove. He also looked as if he was going to collapse any time.

He sat across Naruto and grinned at his son. It turned out rather crooked as his face still seemed somewhat sleepy.

"I can't sleep knowing that you plan on cooking," he said.

Naruto scrunched his nose and Minato laughed.

"You're getting meaner and meaner," Naruto said.

"It comes with the age," Minato replied.

"You finally accept the truth, don't you?!"

"I never did deny it." Then came the ever-so-irritating smile, at least it was to Naruto, of his. The smile with the gentle curves. It wasn't too big and it wasn't too small. It was just right. None of the teeth showed, too. It was a rather simple smile, but it stuck out in Naruto's opinion. It was different from everyone else's. Theirs seemed far too exaggerated or far too passionless.

"And I can't let you cook either. You're practically dead."

Minato patted Naruto's head. "Who said anything about cooking? We can live with cereal for the morning."

"I don't like your old man cereal!"

"Oats aren't old man cereal."

"They taste... nothing at all! That's old man food!"

"I didn't raise you to be a picky eater, Naruto." He stood up from the table and started walking to where the cereal was stored.

"I'm eating out!"

"I'm giving you less allowance."

Namikaze Minato. A very devious man. Obvious? Not really when one merely looked at him.

Naruto had the idea that he really should start living out of their house soon. If not that, then he should get his own job. For more independence and stuff.

It was during nighttime when Naruto got back on his fixation on his father. He was lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling as if his life depended on it. His arms were crossed behind his head. One of his feet was propped on a bed post.

"Fuck. I'm done for," he said after a while.

It was now time to get on tons of consultations and opinions.

... Off to the web browser he was.

He'd call his friends tomorrow as he was sure that they were all rather busy.

"Hey, Shika, are you even listening?" Naruto asked.

Shikamaru yawned before he blinked and looked around his surroundings. Right. He was with Naruto in some shop and the latter was talking about falling in love with his father. Right. He should be in bed.

"It's not that big of a matter," Shikamaru said, drawling a bit.

"What?!" Naruto exclaimed.

Of course it was a big matter! He was in love with his fucking father. How was incest not a big deal? Shikamaru was a genius, sure, but he sure lacked a lot of common sense. Perhaps going to the guy hadn't been the greatest thing to do. He needed to go to someone who could understand the gravity of the situation he was in. He needed to go to someone caring!

"If you want moral or some of that serious advice thing, you should've gone to Chouji," Shikamaru said.

"You never told me you could read minds," Naruto said, surprised.

Shikamaru sighed. "It's written all over your face."

"... Where's Chouji?"

"In their house, eating pre-lunch."

"Pre-lunch?"

"You know Chouji," Shikamaru started, "he likes food."

"So then, wait, just how many times does Chouji eat in a day."

Shikamaru yawned and said, "Do the math." He then assumed a comfortable napping position and tried to doze off. All of this really was quite troublesome. Why, just half an hour ago, Ino had come around asking for his opinion on something. And on fashion, too!

He was smart, but it didn't mean that he knew everything. He wasn't some omniscient or omnipresent being that could throw at them the right answers.

... Complaining was also rather troublesome.

Naruto looked at Shikamaru before deeming the guy hopeless. To Chouji, then.

Around ten friends later and two ramen breaks, Naruto had come to the point where he came to ask for his good friend Kiba's own opinion. He knew that dog-boy could be trusted in giving him a good grip of where he was in life and how he should act.

"You're fucked up, man," Kiba said. Though he also thought that this was great news as it meant that he could most likely have a greater chance with Hinata with Naruto out of the way. Kiba internally nodded. Being devious suited him very much. Perhaps he should try being like that more.

Maybe, Naruto thought, he shouldn't have gone to Kiba either as Kiba had the same sentiments as he did.

"Way fucked up," Kiba continued.

Then he smiled, baring his fangs in the process.

"But I'm with you and all. We're friends, right?" he said.

Kiba was also just as fucked up as him, it seemed. But he was a great friend. Naruto grinned at him and they did the manly routine. Or whatever the two of them called the series of complicated handshakes they did.

"Knew I could trust on you," Naruto said.

"Anytime," Kiba said. "But you could've just asked Uchiha, you know. He's supposed to be good at this emotional shit since he's taking up Psychology or something like that."

"Itachi? We're not even close!"

"Sasuke's not taking Psych?"

"Dude, he's taking Physics." If not that, then some other mind-boggling subject.

"Why did you call me out here again?" Sasuke asked.

"Be happy, bastard," Naruto grumbled, "since I even treated you." Though he knew that Sasuke most likely thought that what he was giving away wasn't exactly a treat. Rich bastard.

"Just answer the question before I decide to leave you for my thesis."

Naruto rose an eyebrow. Then he laughed and said, "Heh. Finally falling behind? I've already finished mine!"

Sasuke sighed. He always had to be surrounded by either idiots or loonies, hadn't he? But loonies had always been better companions than idiots. At least they were actually intelligent. They were simply misunderstood.

"Don't you even remember that we're in different courses?"

Naruto huffed and scowled. Sasuke was just... graah! Yes, graah. There was no known word to humankind that could ever describe the bastard. Even bastard wasn't enough of a word!

"Start talking, moron," Sasuke said, sounding very much tired of his friend's antics.

"This is the last time I'm telling you anything," Naruto grumbled.

"That would be a relief."

"Can't you stop being a bastard for just a day or something?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"If you can stop being yourself for a day," he said.

Naruto thought that Sasuke should also stop asking for the impossible.

"Just hear me out," Naruto said.

Sasuke sighed before he nodded.

"I'm in love with my father and we're compatible!" Naruto excitedly whispered. He vaguely looked like an overgrown lovesick schoolgirl. "He's Aquarius and I'm Libra and it says that we're compatible. He's also a Sheep and I'm a Hare and I think we'd go great together!" Then he went on and on. There was also something about blood types and such. It was amazing the way he made so many links.

Sasuke was silent the whole time. Very silent. Though Naruto could tell that he was listening. Somewhat.

Sasuke was always that sort of person who'd come off as a friend in the oddest of times. But he was a full-time rival. Both he and Naruto agreed on that.

"You're compatible," Sasuke bluntly stated.

The moron was even more of an idiot - the redundancy of the statement proved that fact even more.

"And why are you telling me this again?" he asked. "You have Sakura for these things."

"But she's busy with her thesis!" Naruto whined. Not to mention when he did go to her, she'd nearly broken his nose. The memory was still fresh in his mind as it had just happened this morning. He could even remember what she looked like. Her pink hair stuck out at almost every possible direction, her eyes looked dim and had dark rings heavily circling them, her clothes were rumpled. And there he was, all Mister Sunshine. Perhaps he should've dressed for the occasion. Or acted as if he was also in immense pain. Or maybe he should get these rich ideas whenever he was actually in the situation.

"I'm busy with it, too."

"You don't seem busy, bastard. You just don't want to help a friend in need!"

Sasuke sighed yet again before he recalled what his mother often told her lovesick patients. It was rather useful having a psychotherapist for a parent sometimes.

"You should just tell him how you feel," he said.

"But he's my father!" Naruto shouted.

More than a couple of eyes wandered his way. Sasuke sighed.

"Be more quiet, would you? We're in a public place," Sasuke said.

"But he's my father!" Naruto hissed.

"Right and, so?"

"You sicko. You don't have any morals, do you?"

Sasuke snorted before saying, "If there was a sicko here, it'd be you. You're the one in love with your parent. Shrinks would have a field day with you, freak of nature."

"I'm not a freak of nature!"

Eventually, Naruto had come to go by Sasuke's advice. It was probably the most reasonable thing he'd heard the whole day. Straight to the point would be the best way of approaching his feelings. Yes, definitely. Not to mention he was better with that sort of method. He sucked at subtlety.

So after much deliberation, he looked at his father with the fiercest of eyes the morning after as they took their breakfast. Minato quirked an eyebrow and asked him if there was anything wrong.

"I like you," Naruto said.

Minato smiled and said, "Why, I like you, too."

"No. Wait. Scratch that. I love you."

"I'd be surprised if you didn't. We're a family."

"I love you the way lovers love each other."

A long period of silence stretched across the room. Naruto wondered if he was done for.

"You look far too much like me," Minato said after a while.

"So what? I mean... this is love! Looks have nothing to do with it!" Naruto exclaimed. He was actually rather surprised, seeing that his father reacted so naturally to the situation. Almost as if Minato had expected him to have those sort of feelings.

Minato's eyes widened. It was almost as if he'd just realized the weight of his son's words.

"I'm in love with my son and he loves me," he said, "and that makes me feel like a narcissist."

For being a genius, his father was quite an idiot, too. Much like him.

Though Naruto was still rather happy. His father... loved him, too. He then back-tracked at that. His father WHAT? His feelings had been requited all this time? His father did not look remorseful at all?

"Old man," Naruto started.

"What?" Minato asked. He was obviously still in a state of shock. And he had thought that he knew about himself. He never knew that he could also be quite the vain person. Then again, he was worth looking at! Kushina had told him so before and she had been also quite the, more or less, vain person.

"You're in love with me." He needed a drastic subject change. One that would ensure that they would talk about this whole love thing between the two of them.

Minato blinked before he looked at Naruto and nodded.

Yes, he was in love with his son. It had been a most odd battle with himself, struggling against what had become the truth. He really didn't intend this to become the case. He'd avoided falling in love as much as possible. That was where he most likely went wrong as avoiding falling in love had caused him to center his life around his son as much as possible.

It was a fixation that he couldn't do away. Kushina had been... But then Naruto wasn't like Kushina at all.

"I'm just a replacement, aren't I?" Naruto asked.

Of course, he needed to be sure that their love would be true!

"You can't be a replacement," Minato said, "since you look nothing like your mother."

True, true.

"People say that I act like her!" Naruto said.

Minato stared at the ceiling in though. He found himself slowly nodding his head. He looked at Naruto, then, after a while, he shook his head.

"You do act like her, but there's a difference," Minato said.

Kushina was Kushina and Naruto was Naruto. That was all there was to it to him.

"... You haven't been laid in a while, haven't you, old man?" Naruto accused.

Minato became shocked, then he nervously laughed. Honestly though? He'd never cared about the more passionate side of love. He voiced this out. Naruto incredulously looked at him.

Naruto then thought about how his mother must've dealt with such a man. "You're insane," he stated a while later.

"So are you," Minato said, "since you love me. And I'm your father."

"Sasuke said the same thing, you know."

"I always knew that he was a smart boy."

"Can we kiss now?"

"Are you jealous?"

"Shut up, old man."

Minato grinned and then tweaked Naruto's nose.

"Naruto's so cute," he cooed.

Naruto growled before he kissed his father. If the man wouldn't do anything but tease him, nothing would happen. And he was, coincidentally, one of those seemingly horny teenagers, too. All talk and no action didn't do wonders for him.

Minato grinned.