falling apart
Lately I have been so depressed. Over what? Pretty much everything. I feel like my life is falling apart and being built and just beginning all at the same time. does that even make sense? Who knows? Everything just seems like such a blur. This weekend went by so fast, but each day crept by so slowly. Spending the days at my dad's as he gets drunk and then drives me home. It scares me that he's started drinking heavily again. I have never told anyone that my dad is an alcoholic for fear of being judged. I've grown since then, and decided that fuck what other people think. I am who I am and the things I have been through have shaped me into that person, so therfore they are a part of me also. I guess the fear to let people in is what cost me friends, and now I'm left here with nothing. I can't wait for the day that i get out of this town comes. My dreams are so much bigger, my goals are so much bigger. I feel so alone. like I have no one to talk to, probably b/c I don't. I just
need to get everything off my chest. I may explode if I don't. I can't find anyone to realte to. I'm just rambling. Don't listen. I've finally figured out that dwelling on the past does me no good. I've moved on. the problem with having lost my friends is making new ones. I'm not sad anymore for having lost my other ones b/c we no longer had anyhting to relate to. they were more interested in being popular and I became much more mature than them. when your friend wants a boyfriend so she looks cool and can say that she has one, but doesn't want him near her, you figure that she's just not like me at all anymore! I know its all part of growing up, which I did a lot of in the past year. I find myself realting to older people, much better than people my age. guys my age are another story, even my mom (who is very protective over me) doesn't see me ever being with someone my age. I guess I've always been afraid to let people in, but i've changed and realized that if you don't like me it doesn't matter b/c you are just one person out of the millions in the world. the last year has been a disaster, but hopefully 2006 will hold bigger and better things for me. I need to move on to other things. i know that this may make no sense, but it felt good to get some things off my chest.
something that made an impact on me and relates to how i'm feeling: "I don't want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call, I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and dreams with...I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again. I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming...More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anyhting, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn't alone." --A Million Little Pieces by James Frey
Wow I could have just written that and save myself a lot of time. I love quotes and this one in particular really related to me and affected me.
need to get everything off my chest. I may explode if I don't. I can't find anyone to realte to. I'm just rambling. Don't listen. I've finally figured out that dwelling on the past does me no good. I've moved on. the problem with having lost my friends is making new ones. I'm not sad anymore for having lost my other ones b/c we no longer had anyhting to relate to. they were more interested in being popular and I became much more mature than them. when your friend wants a boyfriend so she looks cool and can say that she has one, but doesn't want him near her, you figure that she's just not like me at all anymore! I know its all part of growing up, which I did a lot of in the past year. I find myself realting to older people, much better than people my age. guys my age are another story, even my mom (who is very protective over me) doesn't see me ever being with someone my age. I guess I've always been afraid to let people in, but i've changed and realized that if you don't like me it doesn't matter b/c you are just one person out of the millions in the world. the last year has been a disaster, but hopefully 2006 will hold bigger and better things for me. I need to move on to other things. i know that this may make no sense, but it felt good to get some things off my chest.
something that made an impact on me and relates to how i'm feeling: "I don't want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call, I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and dreams with...I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again. I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming...More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anyhting, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn't alone." --A Million Little Pieces by James Frey
Wow I could have just written that and save myself a lot of time. I love quotes and this one in particular really related to me and affected me.