cranky cranky cranky... (x posted to partners of FTM)
Hey everyone...
so lately my boi's been missing some of his shots... in some ways I think its intentional, in some ways I know him and he just forgets or is too overwhelmed/tired/busy to do it at the appointed weekly time. This has been going on for almost 6 weeks... that instead of him doing his shot every week, he's ended up doing it at a week and a half.. or even two weeks. For the first two times i caught myself enjoying it.. he was more cuddly, one night he even opened up to me about some things that were going on at work with him that i would have otherwise never known (because he's such an internal person). The negative was the fallout the first day or so after he did finally do the shot.. He was argumentative, suspicious, generally not a fun person to be around.
But now we're on round three here.. and he's already four days late for his shot.. and if he's true to form, he'll say today that its so close to the next shot date that he'll wait till then, but then tomorrow or the day after he'll get impatient and do it early anyways. I dont even know if theres a question in this.. or any kind of advice needed.. The last few days have been fairly difficult.. We've been arguing all the time and at this point we're on completely opposite schedules.. we're never horny at the same time.. when he wants to do nothing and relax quietly, i want to do something and if nothing else talk. He passes out as soon as his head hits the pillow and i'm awake for hours, bored and wanting to wake him up for a hug or sex or anything. And then he sleeps badly because i get up and do something in the living room and is in a bad mood for work in the morning..
We're both under a lot of stress right now.. we're both facing issues at our work.. where we BOTH work.. not that we're in trouble or anything.. just that we're both kind of getting the shit end of the stick and of course we're the responsible ones in our departments so until we force change we'll continue to get the shit end of the stick. *btw my partner has not been able to do his name change, however passes COMPLETELY and all of our coworkers recognize Him as a HE and he goes by his chosen name, even though all of the paperwork, publicly posted schedules etc still say his birth/female name.* This includes a coworker in His department calling him a Fag when he's not working, this employee has been reported several times by many different employees over only a two month period. He's still working! and to top it off, he calls out at LEAST once a week. usually on my partners day off.. so guess who picks up the extra shift? or should i say Shit.
We are supposed to be out of our apartment by the 28th because it sold, but we're not making enough money at our job to afford anything even reasonable let alone safe for him and our situation. We recently posted an ad for an LGBT/ally housemate.. but even that has been difficult trying to work out.
I know that this is just one of many bumps in the long road we have to travel on.. and that our issues lately with his shots are just one of many situations that come up in his transition and our relationship.
He can be amazing sometimes.. and i'm so lucky to have him and to have found him. but there are times when we just Can't seem to get along. Where it feels like he doesnt even like me and we don't even like each other. The truth of the matter is we're VERY similar.. in the kind of way that we have the same flaws. and they're flaws that we dont like about ourselves.. so we pick them out in each other when we argue because it's easier that way. it's so frustrating because for the first time i look at every fight and i say to myself this is silly.. so instead of fighting back i just say something silly.. like yeah well i'm a jerk? you're a chocolate covered banana. and walk away.. it makes him laugh and quickly ends the fight.. not in a two year old i'm a petulant child and i dont want to talk to you kind of way.. in a way that says this is silly.. and that after two minutes i come out with a smile and ask if he wants to watch his debbie does dallas dvd. I just wish that everything didnt have to be so difficult.
Sometimes it would be nice if there was a guidebook on how to do this stuff and how to survive and come out on top and happy and all that.. but i guess over all.. i'd rather be writing it that reading it. so i guess thats kind of what i'm doing.
Sorry that its ridiculously long.. its a journal of sorts that pertains information i couldnt easily put on my myspace blog.. but at least here anonymity and understanding are a fairly common ideal. if you read it you rock.. if you dont i totally understand :-)
have a great day everyone!