Intro and Small Vent

[turtul]

 
I originally posted this in the ftm group, but was redirected here instead. I'm relieved that a group like this exists for partners of FTMs, since I didn't think my posting in the other community was appropriate.

I wanted to do two things with this post. One, introduce myself, and two, ask a question.

I'm Turtul, female, 22, straight. My boyfriend

Comments

[ichbinkelsey]

Hi again!

OK, so, like rinkori and possibly like you, my boyfriend's had a pretty solid sexual orientation shift since beginning transition, from bisexual-strongly leaning towards women to bisexual-strongly strongly stronglyleaning towards men; in our case, this was coupled with him experiencing a pretty big drop in his sex drive post-hysto. The combination of these two things has left me feeling pretty sexually inadequate/sexually frustrated, and sex has kind of become An Issue for us. It's been getting better, though, via a great deal of communication and a great deal of effort by my partner to be more proactive about actually having sex (as opposed to just talking about it), and by the fact that he is the most reassuring man alive. I just wanted to commiserate on this end, though

Second issue: the sexual orientation thing. I rarely see much discussion of this, largely because I've rarely gotten to talk to other straight female partners of ftm guys, but I think there are some real psychological differences that accompany going from having sex with more conventionally equipped guys to having sex with pre-bottom surgery trans guys that can feed into feelings of inadequacy (just to situate myself: my partner is has been medically transitioning for years, has had top surgery and a hysto and is seriously pursuing bottom surgery but hasn't gotten it yet.) I think if you're used to having sex with someone who you can see get aroused and with whom you have physical evidence of orgasm, it can be super disconcerting to have that absent from a body that you recognize as male. Add to that the fact that if you're having penetrative sex, you can safely assume that your male partner is enjoying himself in a tangible, physical way; you can't make that assumption quite so readily if you're dealing with a non-factory standard dick.

Finally, there's the whole issue of your partner's past and his own comfort with his body and sex in general. My boyfriend came from a quasi-stone background and pre-transition was massively uncomfortable with physical contact at all. While, by his own admission, transition has made it a ton easier, he is still not Mr. Tactile, and that makes him somewhat different than any of the other men I've been involved with. It's been an interesting set of things to navigate, for sure.

Anyway, I think there are a bunch of real challenges that straight partners deal with around the psychology of sex. I've been with my boyfriend for going on three years, and I'm definitely still figuring some of this out and unpacking some of my own stuff around feeling inadequate, where that comes from and what that means. I'm not sure that any of this was helpful, but at very least, I get what you're going through. I'm glad you're here; it's lovely to have another straight woman to talk to, since I think we've got our own complications that are slightly different from anyone else's.