(no subject)

[partitions]

keeping myself up, hyperventilating about
the current exchange rate,
chinese-owned debt,
and my very own long-distance relationship.

i oscillate too much to have a clear reading on who i am and how i'm doing.
the fluctuation is better than the long, silent lows
but what i would give to be calm,
resigned,
hopeless
just to have something constant again.

oh my god -
oh you think i'm in control.
oh my god -
oh, you think it's all for fun.
is this fun for you?!

barely breathing, under wool blankets in chicago, il
and even though i'm home, i still want to go home.
i always want to be some place else.
i can't breathe.

our relationship is going to end, probably within the year, and i am going to burn alive.
i know it, i know it, i know it.
i love him, but from here, from far, from six-weeks-until-i-see-you far, from you-can't-manage-your-time-so-i-don't-see-you far, from i'm-not-even-sure-you-miss-me far, well.
well.

i am so fucking, fucking fucking f u c k i n g lovesick, though.
it is puppy love; i am consumed.
so.
you know.
what the fuck am i going to even do.

(a: drink until i make better mistakes)