I had a completely normal upbringing, I promise!

[particolor]

Me: Hold on I have to move these sleeping bags
Friend: What? Why are there sleeping bags in your living room?
Me: Well it was super hot last night but we didn't want to run the ac because that's bad for the earth and our energy bill and stuff so my family took sleeping bags and slept in the living room downstairs
Friend: You had a sleepover party with your family?
Me: Um...I guess?
Friend: You're kind of nauseating
Me: What? What did I do?
Friend: Your family rescues pets together and goes on historical day trips and has sleepovers? Do you also have family unicorn rides on Sundays?
Me: Shut up!
Friend: *laughing*
Me: Yeah, but you have to admit it's all a pretty good cover, no one would ever suspect that we're all serial killers would they?
Friend: ...

and

Mom: *as she watches me smack myself in the face with the fridge door* I'm really glad you have below average motor skills
Me: ...?
Mom: It makes you so much easier to control
Me: What?
Mom: Most toddlers eventually learn to unhook their car seat and climb out but when you had a tantrum we would just strap you down and you just flailed around helplessly
Me: I hate you
Mom: I wonder if they make adult car seats?