(no subject)
i don't like having a class with you because it's like everyday, everything between me and you (or no longer between me and you?) that i've been pushing to the back of my mind for the past 4 months or so is set in front of me to think about for 90 minutes every day. and it's not because i don't want to think about it because i don't care about you or our friendship, it's because it hurts a lot. i have never for one second felt like i lived up to you. unless it was the you that was in the massive collection of letters tat i still keep in my binder. that was the person that i was best friends with. and then when we were in person, it was like being in the presence of a stranger. i don't know why. there is nothing i would like more than for you to run up to me and tell me everything that runs through your head. that's what i always wanted. instead of the "heyyyy!" and the hug that everyone got. i know it sounds like i'm blaming this on you. i'm not. i'm such a mess sometimes and you know that. and i hate how you know soooooo much about me but in your presence, i feel like just some person you've spoken to before. and i'm sorry if you're mad at me after you read this. you can say everything you hate about me if you want, i don't mind and i probably desere it. but i just wanted you to know that i didn't just quit wanting to tell you every single thing that pops into my head. it's just that i don't really know how anymore. and i don't know how to deal with it, so i just stopped looking at you and talking to you. i don't know how anymore. and i'm not afraid of posting this because i feel like you'll understand. i hope you do. i love you. and i always will.